Bachelor Recap Week Seven: Colton Scares Easy

When we left last week in Vietnam, Colton was questioning everything. He was just told by 3 different women to be on the lookout for those that aren’t ready for marriage. Post rose ceremony, Colton continues to melt down over Go-Pro cam. He reiterates that he is experiencing his biggest fear and is truly having a WTF moment. With hometowns coming up, Colton is feeling the pressure to make the correct decisions moving forward.

Luckily, the group is heading to Denver, Colorado (Colton’s hometown). The women are excited to be back in the USA and Colton is reunited with his dog, Sniper. He also has a reunion with fellow Denver Bachelor bro, Ben Higgins, at a bar where they sip on...water? Ben quotes Sheryl Sandberg and advises Colton to “lean in” to the relationships he has and be intentional about them.

The women meander around the streets of Denver before meeting up with Colton and Sniper at a local park. Colton announces that there will be roses on every single date this week before inviting Tayshia to join him for the rest of the day -- WITHOUT A DATE CARD. Chris Harrison is nowhere to be seen and I’m honestly concerned that he might need to start dusting off his resume.

Tayshia and Colton walk Sniper all over Denver. They do some wine tasting and oyster slurping before making a stop for ice cream. They even grab a cone for the dog so he doesn’t miss out on the Colorado culinary tour. Colton states AGAIN that Katie’s comment upon her departure really threw him for a loop, but he confides that he doesn’t question Tayshia at all. This doesn't mean he doesn't want the dirt though. He straight up asks Tayshia for her take on Katie’s comment and the unspilled tea. Tayshia starts to pour, albeit somewhat reluctantly.

But first, the camera cuts to a discussion between Cassie and Caelynn. They wonder who Katie was referring to and reassure each other that it couldn’t possibly be them who Tayshia might rat out. Which automatically means it’s them.

Tayshia overheard some conversations in the house that are discouraging. She questions Cassie and Caelynn’s integrity and doesn’t think they will be ready to be engaged at the conclusion of this journey. There has even been talk about becoming the Bachelorette after this.

Colton is floored and says he has a lot of questions for Cassie and Caelynn, but he is determined to have a good time this evening because Tayshia deserves it. He takes Tayshia back to his place where they cook salmon and veggies before setting up supper on the coffee table. Sniper occupies half of the couch, unbothered by the new company.

Colton asks Tayshia what her family will be like. Tayshia says her dad will be apprehensive and closed off because he is protective of her. Colton should prepare for hesitations and questions. Colton is adamant that having a father’s blessing is very important to him before he proposes. He presents her with the date rose -- we are going to meet Tayshia’s fam! She dons his Underwood jersey before making out in his bedroom, the place “where the magic doesn’t happen.” Colton’s words, not mine.

Ding Dong Date Card: “Caelynn, meet in me in the Rockies.”

Caelynn is over the moon while the rest of the group is teary with envy. She unites with Colton on a mountaintop in Loveland, Colorado for a snowboarding adventure. Caelynn is a first-timer and Colton promises she is going to learn today. Apparently the snowboarding portion of the date wasn’t worth our time because we get about 60 seconds of Caelynn and Colton on the slopes before they take a coffee break.

He shares what he learned from Tayshia yesterday and asks for an explanation. Caelynn is dumbfounded and says the accusations don’t make any sense to her. She tells the camera that “Tayshia pulled this lie out of her ass” and labels Tayshia as “an insecure 28 year old.” The day portion of the date ends on a sour note and Caelynn hates that Colton has all of these questions about her now.

Dinner begins somberly. Colton feels more confused than ever and doesn’t know what to make of the distractions the past few weeks. Colton declares he won’t meet her family if they aren’t ready for this together. Caelynn repeats that Tayshia’s allegations are false (but tellingly doesn’t offer up an opinion on who the departed trio may have been referring to) and claims she wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t feeling how she was feeling. Ultimately, Colton believes her and gives her the date rose before professing that he’s falling in love with her. Can we acknowledge the extra large leap he just made from questioning her intentions all day to now falling in love?

He takes her to Red Rocks Amphitheater for a private concert with Brett Young which was probably the coolest date of the whole season tbh.

Ding Dong Date Card: “Hannah B, home is where the heart is.”

Receiving the date card takes Hannah B to a whole new emotional level. She is feeling confident and ready to bring Colton home to meet her family. We all know how much Bachelor producers love a good freefall -- buckle UP, Alabama Hannah.

But before we can decode Colton’s very cryptic (as if!) date card, Cassie and Caelynn talk about Tayshia’s conversation with Colton. As much as Caelynn hates confrontation, she takes Tayshia aside to chat. She thought they were friends and wants to know why Tayshia threw her under the bus with Colton. Tayshia admits she answered Colton’s direct question, but think he deserved to know that some women aren’t ready for what he is looking for. Caelynn doesn’t see how Tayshia can measure someone else’s readiness. Which is a fair point, but it sounds like Caelynn is being measured by the conversations she partakes in instead. The bust-up ends with Tayshia stalking out of the room in a huff, muttering that anyone who isn’t here to get married should go home already.

Meanwhile, Colton drives Hannah B to his family’s home to introduce her to his family. She is overjoyed, but instantly regrets wearing her best crop top to meet Mama Underwood. Can anyone shed light on why Hannah's nose gets so dang red whenever she’s on camera? It literally matched her shirt and it appeared she could singlehandedly lead Santa’s sleigh during a blizzard with no problems.

Colton confides in his father that he is unsure of where he stands with some of the women. His dad encourages him to trust his gut and cautions him against listening to the opinions of other girls. I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but if Mr. Underwood told me to do anything I’d listen -- he’s probably the most intimidating father I remember from this franchise.

When Hannah B and Colton drive away after their visit, Colton is noticeably quiet. Hannah B asks if he’s okay and Colton mumbles an affirmative. Take the cue, pageant queen.

At dinner, Hannah B arrives in a limo in her most bubble gum pink dress with the highest slit to eat dinner in a deserted airplane hangar. Maybe she did take the cue and wanted to go out with her best dress on, like Elyse did. Hannah compliments Colton’s family and says she was completely comfortable with them. She continues to word vomit about how head over heels she is before Colton gently cuts in to share he doesn’t think he can match where she is in their relationship and doesn’t want to shake her father’s hand if he has any doubts. He continues by saying he knows there is someone out there for her and she coldly agrees “I know.” When he walks her out, Hannah B delivers a parting shot for Colton to listen to people and their intentions.

Back in the limo and en route to the airport, Hannah B quickly turns in Hannah Beast. She’s effing pissed and doesn’t think Colton's actions and his words are matching up. However, she will not allow herself to not feel chosen every single day. PREACH! At least it’s a short hop from Colorado to Albama and she doesn’t have to sob on an international flight. #silverlinings.

Ding Dong Date Card: “Hannah G, Kirpa, Cassie, and Heather: saying goodbye is never easy.”

The group exchanges glances -- this is the harshest date card thus far! The reality is that only half of the women attending this date will be heading to hometowns. Kirpa heard the same things that Tayshia did and doesn’t think Cassie is ready to be married. She tells the camera that she will have no problem telling Colton if he asks anything of her.

The remaining women cautiously climb into the limo for an exceptionally quiet ride to the date location. They arrive at some train tracks and squeal like 5 year old boys when a train comes choo-chooing into view with Colton onboard. He invites them to ride with him and they squeeze into booths. Heather and Colton take one bench while Cassie, Hannah G, and Kirpa squeeze across the aisle from them.

The train drops the group off at a little campsite where Colton kicks off the date by announcing, once again, that he wants an engagement at the end of this more than anything. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a Pinterest board labeled with a wedding hashtag. He challenges the girls to think about if he should really meet their families.

Heather takes the hint. She’s been thinking a lot about the reality of Colton meeting the Never Been Kissed clan and she doesn’t take the prospect lightly. She admits to Colton that she doesn’t feel like she can take him to her hometown. Colton agrees that her departure is the right thing. He escorts her to the train and plants one last kiss for the road on her lips before she rounds the corner.

Now that Heather is gone, Colton says his biggest concern is Cassie. They snuggle up under a blanket before Colton shares what he has heard about her. Cassie denies the accusations and is shocked that any woman would say these things about her. She wouldn’t want to bring him home if there were any truth to these claims.

Meanwhile, Kirpa is team Tayshia when it comes to concerns about Cassie. She thinks Cassie is still trying to find herself and Hannah G agrees that she has noticed red flags as well. Kirpa lets Colton know that Cassie and Caelynn were the only 2 girls in Vietnam who started to panic and get defensive after he made his “here for the right reasons” speech. Colton doesn’t know how to uncover the truth as he just heard the exact opposite from Cassie.

Cassie is not pleased to learn that Kirpa addressed her concerns with Colton. They get into an argument and Cassie says this reeks of desperation on Kirpa’s part. Hannah G. sits awkwardly to the side while this train wreck transpires. Colton interrupts the tension to pick up the roses and state he doesn’t yet know what he wants to do with them. He invites all three women to dinner to continue their conversations, thereby prolonging their (and my!) suffering. I struggle to remember a time before this episode started.

The women meet Colton at a museum for dinner, where he immediately takes Hannah G. aside to give her one of the roses. Kirpa and Cassie are left at the table to stare intently at their plates and try to tune out the giggles of Hannah G. through the closed door. Kirpa states the obvious that one rose remains so one of them will be going home.

Hannah G. traipses back to the Denver AirBnB, clutching her rose, to deliver the drama from the afternoon. She fills in Tayshia and Caelynn on what went down at the train tracks and that Cassie and Kirpa are dueling for the final rose as they speak. Caelynn is determined that her homegirl Cassie not leave due to lies and sets out to find Colton. Producers lead her to the museum where Kirpa and Cassie sit stunned and Caelynn speeds right past them to find Colton on a balcony. She begs Colton not to believe the lies that Kirpa is spreading about Cassie. Evidently, Caelynn’s stunt works because Colton comes downstairs to present a rose to Cassie. He feels in his gut that this is the right move -- is anyone else tired of hearing about Colton’s innards?

Kirpa is disappointed to leave and knows she will think about the what ifs. She was looking forward to introducing Colton to her family.

Colton gushes about how he can picture his future together with Cassie. Again, a complete 180 from 6 hours ago when he didn’t know if he could trust her.

All I’ve gotta say is if you aren’t going to take advice from people, then don’t ask for it. Next week: hometowns with Hannah G, Cassie, Caelynn, and Tayshia! Whose family are you most excited about? Are you team Tayshia or do you believe Cassie and Caelynn?