Bachelor Recap Week Eight: Zero Hometown Heroes Here

It’s hometowns week, y’all! I’m always a little bit bored by hometowns because it’s essentially the same conversation 4x with different families, but let’s go ahead and dive in. Colton plans to ask four different fathers for their blessing on proposing to four different daughters, so obviously that’s going to go over well.

But first things first, Colton has to shower sans soap and wrap his towel extra low on his hips to stare pensively in the mirror. He packs his overnight bag, double checking that his Axe body spray is tucked into a crevice. It’s finally time to hit the road and this virgin’s first stop is Virginia!

Fredericksburg, VA

Caelynn is anxious to introduce Colton to her favorite small-town haunts. They climb aboard her transportation of choice -- a horse drawn carriage -- as Caelynn starts pointing out landmarks. Like the place where her “mom drew people’s blood for a living.” There is a word for that career -- it’s a phlebotemist and Tayshia is one also. However, I can imagine after last week’s drama that Caelynn has scrubbed all Tayshia trivia from her brain.

The couple stops at Carl’s Ice Cream for cones in the cold (I’m operating under the assumption that it’s chilly as they are both in jackets and the trees don’t have many leaves left). Caelynn shoves her cone into Colton’s nose when he falls for the “this ice cream smells amazing” prank.

Caelynn explains that Colton won’t be meeting her biological father as he has never been a part of her life. Instead, he will be meeting her step-dad, John, as he has essentially raised her. After Colton washes his face, hopefully with soap this time, Caelynn leads him into a backyard BBQ. It’s a large and intimidating group, including Mom, apprehensive Step Dad, and Sister.

Caelynn sits down with her Sister and gushes about her relationship with Colton. Sister and her heavy red/orange eyeshadow are skeptical. She doesn’t want to see Caelynn get hurt and questions Colton’s sincerity. I question Caelynn’s ability to teach appropriate makeup application.

Caelynn’s Mom listens as Colton discusses his excitement about the possibility of a future with her daughter. Mom is having a difficult time with the fact that Caelynn literally didn’t know this dude 6 weeks ago and is now head over heels. Colton argues that they’ve overcome some trials together and that’s what’s made their relationship so real. Trials = glamorous dates, free travel, and the occasional girl fight. Mom questions whether either of them is truly ready to be engaged.

StepDad and Caelynn sit down for a heart to heart. She confesses how safe and comfortable Colton makes her feel and that she is ready to get married. StepDad observes that it sounds like she could be describing a relationship with a best friend -- why does she have to get married? Caelynn pushes that she wouldn’t have brought Colton home if she didn’t love him. I’m sure it doesn’t hurt that making it to hometowns further solidifies a shot at Bachelor in Paradise and/or Bachelorette.

It’s Colton’s turn for a StepDad session. StepDad wants to know how far Colton plans to take the relationship and how Colton knows he is the right person for Caelynn. Colton sidesteps the question, admits he is falling in love with Caelynn, and asks for StepDad’s blessing propose if their relationship continues to progress. StepDad acquises and turns on the home videos for Colton and Caelynn to watch to end the evening.

Caelynn tells Colton that she is in love with him before he departs. She tells the camera she is ready to get engaged and married and that she really thinks it’s going to be her at the end. My personal opinion is that Caelynn wants to get married and Colton just happens to be her closest ticket to that life event at this time. I haven’t seen her voice anything that seems specific to Colton for the reasons she is in love.

Birmingham, Alabama

Colton is working his way back towards the West Coast and stops in the South for a visit with Hannah G. She preps him to meet her southern family by inviting him to an etiquette course. Posture is their first lesson and Colton passes with flying colors as he balances a book on his head and walks without it falling. The next challenge is the meal. Their instructor asks what their first move should be. Colton, remembering that he’s in the Bible belt, volunteers “say grace?” Solid effort, but he’s wrong. Napkins in laps is the correct answer. Colton selects a roll from the basket and begins to slice it in half in order to apply butter. He is gently corrected -- instead, he should tear off a small bite and butter it before eating the morsel and then repeat as needed until the roll is consumed. Ain’t nobody got time for THAT!

The awkward etiquette lesson is complete and the couple heads to see Hannah G’s fam. They share a kiss at the door before entering. Once again, it appears all of extended family and friends have shown up to make their national television debut meet Colton.

Hannah takes four of her girlfriends aside to discuss Colton. They can tell how comfortable she is around him. They ask how she feels about his virginity and Hannah says it’s something she has never really questioned about him. One gal asks if Colton can make a commitment to Hannah and it’s the one question Hannah cannot answer.

Hannah’s Dad wastes no time and asks Colton, “what are your intentions with my daughter, man?” Since it worked so well on Caelynn’s dad previously, Colton avoids the direct question and instead talks about how special Hannah is and how she has everything he is looking for. Colton hopes his feelings would be strong enough for an engagement as if his feelings operate independent of him as a person *eyeroll*. Colton says having Hannah’s father’s permission to propose means a lot to him and Dad falls right into this speech and says he would give his blessing if their relationship continues to work the way it is currently.

Mom, on the other hand, is freaking out. She tells Hannah that Colton is very nice, but she doesn’t want her daughter to get hurt. Hannah agrees, and doesn't want to be a coin toss at the end of this journey, but assures Mom that Colton validates her. Apparently that’s about all Mom needed to hear because suddenly the switch is flipped and she’s telling Hannah “go get it, girl!” Honestly, I’m getting whiplash trying to keep up with these parents.

Hannah and Colton exchange falling in love with yous to cap off the night before Colton continues his westward tour of Meet the Parents.

Orange County, California

Tayshia is excited to see Colton, but even more excited to be in the driver’s seat today. Literally. Since their relationship has been all about trust thus far, she wants to take it to the next level and blindfold him. She wraps a red cloth around his head to cover his eyes before helping him into the car. Colton is less than thrilled about losing control and demands to know what the hell they are doing. Tayshia refuses to relent and finally pulls into their destination. She takes off the blindfold to reveal that they are going skydiving.

Colton is astonished -- they both hate heights!! He immediately accuses Tayshia of a revenge plot for their bungee jumping date in Singapore. As they suit up and listen to safety instructions, Colton’s face appears paler by the minute. He tells the instructor that he is f****** terrified. When the tiny plane takes off, Colton is shaking and nearly comatose with nerves -- always a good sign on a date.

Colton is first to step out of the plane and Tayshia follows immediately afterward. Plenty of screaming ensues before they come in for landing and are suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude for the ground. The adrenaline fuels a falling in love with you exchange in an airplane hangar as Tayshia tries to build Colton’s confidence before he meets her family. She warns him again that her dad will be a tough one to crack.

Tayshia gives Colton one more pop quiz on family names before they enter the Adams abode. This time, Colton is meeting immediately family members only rather than the entire neighborhood. Tayshia’s Dad is in immediate protective mode as he doesn’t want to see Tayshia get hurt again like she was after her divorce.

Tayshia confides in her Mom that it’s been a whirlwind, but it’s going well. She claims Colton is very different than previous men she’s dated and Mom cautions Tayshia to be sure that it’s true love that will last forever. Meanwhile, Tayshia’s Dad invites Colton to pow-wow on the patio. Dad gets right to it by pointing out that six weeks is not a long time. Colton tries his tried and true tactic of admitting he’s falling in love with Tayshia. Dad doesn’t buy it and asks if Colton is having the same conversations with the other 3 women. Colton doesn’t quite answer, but does ask for Dad’s blessing to propose to Tayshia. Dad says thanks, but no thanks -- they just met, after all. Colton is crushed.

Tayshia is next for the hot seat with Dad. He admits Colton seems nice, but it’s not about being nice. How does Tayshia know Colton isn’t just telling her what she wants to hear? He asks what Tayshia would say if Colton proposed. She hesitates only a moment before saying she’d respond positively and is very confident. Dad is astounded and expands on his argument that relationships aren’t microwaveable. Tayshia disagrees, apparently content with Hot Pockets and Easy Mac.

Before the duo makes their exit, Dad has one more thing to say. Despite the hastiness of their relationship, he feels Colton is genuine and sincere and grants his permission for Colton to ask The Question. Tayshia beams while Colton stiffly grins. They exchange several kisses at the car and Colton is off for his final destination.

Huntington Beach, California

Cassie can hardly believe that Colton is here and she runs to hug him. They exchange I miss yous before Cassie announces that they will be surfing today. Surfing is new to Colton, but he says he’s done stand up paddle boarding before so he should be totally fine. He’s wrong.

Cassie starts off by showing him the basics on the sand. They take a break to make out on the surfboards, but eventually make it to the waves where Colton continuously wipes out. Cassie remarks through giggles that she doesn’t even know how to help him at this point.

Now that Colton’s confidence is sufficiently crumbling, it’s time to meet the Randolphs. The reunion is exuberant and filled with high-pitched squeals. Cassie’s Dad could tell that Colton was being affectionate with Cassie, but wonders if he is like that with the other women too. First impressions? Colton seems like...a guy -- direct quote from Papa Randolph. He’s instantly my favorite dad we’ve ever met in all of franchise history.

Cassie and her sister, Michelle, gush about Colton. Sister wants to know if Cassie would say yes to being engaged. Cassie isn’t sure yet. She’s been very careful so far in what she says to Colton and specifically avoided the “L” word. It’s very serious to her and she doesn’t want to feel rushing into saying anything she doesn’t feel. Sister gets emotional and instructs Cassie to continue to not settle.

Cassie’s Mom shares with Colton how much they’ve been missing Cassie. She sees chemistry and happiness between the two, but she is concerned as she knows how this show works and that there are other women competing for his affection. Colton whips out his trump card and admits he is falling in love with Cassie and that they have an undeniable connection. However, Colton still doesn’t know how Cassie feels about him.

Dad has a blunt conversation with Cassie. She’s never met anyone who just gets her in the way that Colton does. Dad says that doesn’t minimize the fact that he’s meeting three other families this week. He reiterates that Cassie is only 23 and doesn’t need to rush into anything. Cassie insists she wouldn’t accept a proposal without being sure.

Colton is up next for interrogation with Dad. Colton explains he can see a future with Cassie and admires her huge heart. Colton wants to take this opportunity to ask for Cassie’s hand in marriage. Dad isn’t having it. He thinks a lifelong commitment is big, shouldn’t be taken lightly, and that granting Colton’s request would be a premature blessing. Ultimately? Permission denied.

Colton is disappointed, both to not have Cassie’s father’s blessing and that Cassie is still tight-lipped on her feelings for him. I’m disappointed that Colton has now asked FOUR fathers for their daughter’s hand in marriage. I also miss the days in Bachelor land when we actually got a glimpse into the real lives of the women during hometowns. Remember when we used to see their actual homes and learn more about what a day in their real life might be like? You could take pretty much any one of these hometown date activities, aside from surfing perhaps, and plonk it into any one of the hometowns for a generic date + meet the family scenario. Snooze.Fest.

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison escorts each woman into the rose ceremony as they arrive. Hannah G. is first, followed by Tayshia covered in rose gold sequins, Caelynn in sparkly black, and Cassie in a white two-piece set.

Colton announces it’s been the toughest decision by far after meeting all of their families before handing roses to Hannah G. and Tayshia. Caelynn and Cassie (bffs, remember) turn to each other and curse. Harrison announces the final rose and Cassie wins the bud.

Caelynn is stunned, but as instructed, takes a moment and says her goodbyes...to Cassie only. Colton sits with her on a bench as she cries and agonizes over how stupid she feels. Evidently, Caelynn didn’t feel the need for waterproof mascara as it runs all over her cheeks. Was this girl actually on the pageant circuit or nah? Waterproof always, especially if crying on national television is essentially guaranteed.

Chris Harrison gives us a run-down on next week which will be jam-packed with Bachelor shenanigans. This will be a TWO night extravaganza, which translates into four hours of TV time I’m going to need to bargain with my husband for. Monday night will be fantasy suites and the fence jump we’ve been waiting all season to see, followed by Tuesday night’s Women Tell All They are Contractually Allowed to Disclose. Buckle up, Bachelor Nation!