Bachelor Recap Week Six: Cuckoo for CoCo Puffs

Last week we were left rose ceremony-less because Chris Harrison wasn’t present to keep Colton in line. We pick back up in Thailand with the Onyeka vs. Nicole scuffle and Colton pacing the beach because he is “over it.”

Harrison FINALLY arrives, obviously fresh off an emergency helicopter, with zero explanation for his absence. He approaches Colton to ask what’s up. Bottom line -- Colton doesn’t want women who will throw each other under the bus.

Before anyone else can receive any one on one time, Harrison announces the rose ceremony. Everyone is fearful of who will go home.

Cassie, Heather, and Lauren B. clutch their safety stems. Nicole shakes like a leaf and makes the sign of the cross to ward off homeward bound vibes.

Producers strategically placed Nicole and Onyeka next to each other to await their fate. Colton begins to bestow buds:

Caelynn

Tayshia

Kirpa -- UPDATE, her chin was busted whilst attempting a photo for the ‘gram. Full video on ABC’s Bachelor facebook page.

Demi

Hannah G.

Katie

Sydney

Kudos to the producer with the brainstorm to place Sydney on the riser behind Nicole and Onyeka so that she had to step down BETWEEN them in order to receive the final rose. It was just as awkward as it sounds.

Nicole and Onyeka both blame each other during their exits, but both express equal relief that at least the other is going home too. Needless to say, now we got bad blood and I’m sure both will appear to speak their minds at Women Tell All. Tea is BREWING, y'all.

The journey continues for the remaining women in Vietnam!

Colton squints into his trusty Go-Pro on a Vietnamese beach post-run and reiterates how pumped he is to be here. He continues to be fearful that the women he keeps around won’t be ready for marriage.

Meanwhile, the aforementioned women sprint into their luxury AirBnB to check out the showers, claim bedrooms, and collectively shout “Hello, Vietnam!” from the balcony. Hometowns are quickly closing in and girls are jonesin’ for one on ones. They jump when the intern knocks at the door and hide behind pillows in anticipation.

“Hannah G., we really need this date.”

Hannah G. meets Colton in a garden before heading into a spa to start their day of relaxation. They strip down and robe up before settling in for face masks.  

They start the date in a garden and head into a couples massage. Colton’s the kind of guy who apparently wants to talk all day in a spa and I am NOT here for it. I would have sent myself home right then tbh. Not Hannah G. She links pinkies with Colton and then gets wrapped up in seaweed with him. Colton repeatedly talks about how attractive she is and that he would “eat that sushi roll.” IMSORRYWHAT. Run, Hannah G. RUN. Hannah G does the exact opposite and climbs on top of Colton on a massage table before cuddling in a mud bath and straddling him in the shower.

At dinner, they reminisce on their favorite part of the afternoon (both voted on the shower -- gag me). Hannah G. struggles to share because opening up isn’t her jam, but ultimately talks about her parents’ divorce. Colton’s parents are divorced too and he relates well to her. Despite Caelynn and Cassie wondering what Colton sees in Hannah G. beyond her face and body, Colton gives her the date rose. They dance to an all-female Vietnamese quintet in a courtyard. Colton can picture Hannah G. as his wife.

The women wait with baited breath for the next date card, each desperate for a one-on-one fix.

“Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B, Sydney, and Demi -- are you ready to fight for love?”

Which leaves Kirpa and her chin battle scar with the one on one!

Sydney is devastated. She feels she’s done everything she can to garner attention from Colton and doesn't understand why he doesn't want to spend more time with her. Demi cries and thinks she deserved the one on one as this is her sixth group date. Katie is also bummed, but makes it clear she hasn’t given up. She’s determined to roll with the punches.

The women put on their best sports bras and meet Colton at a martial arts facility. They are learning the ancient art of Vovinam -- which looks just like kung fu fighting to my uncultured eyes. Colton is up first to defeat the two gentleman who were paid the big bucks to let him win. Heather is practically salivating as she watches Colton get sweaty.

Hannah B(east) is in her element and is ready to show off her kickboxing skills. Demi continues to struggle with being on the group date, but isn’t concerned with the other girls. Chris Harrison and the host of Bachelor Vietnam (whose name I cannot spell) announce the girls will face off two by two on the mat. Hannah B(east) and Demi turn to each other like lab partners in an 8th grade science class to partner up, but Mr. Harrison knows better. He’ll be assigning these matches thankyouverymuch.

Sydney and Heather are up first and don boxing gloves. A lot of high pitched squeaking and laughter ensues. The Vietnamese are unimpressed. Hannah B(east) and Cassie take the floor next, followed by Demi and Katie. Katie lands one on Demi’s face for all of us. Colton calls a halt to the Vovinam after this duo and suggests that it’s after-party time. Demi acknowledges that she can fight with her words all day long, but physical fighting is not her forte. Finally, I have something in common with Demi!

The after-party kicks off and no one even touches the bomb-ass charcuterie board on the coffee table. Anyone who dares to waste good cheese is no friend of mine.

Colton sits down with Tayshia first. This week has been rough for Tayshia. She loves the direction they are going, but wants Colton to want to get to know her. Colton confesses that dating this many women is tougher than it looks *plays world’s tiniest violin.* He does look forward to their time together and Tayshia thinks she is exactly where she is supposed to be (auditioning for The Bachelorette?).

Meanwhile, Katie is terrified. She tells Colton that her biggest fear is being misunderstood by him. She says it’s difficult for her to show her emotions, but she can picture Colton meeting her family. She is highly concerned that she will fall behind in other relationships. Colton offers vague reassurance…

Hannah B and Colton kick it in the sand -- literally. She shows him some of her best kung fu moves while Sydney and Tayshia look on condescendingly. Hannah B. says she’s been having fun and hopes he can see what he would get if he chose her. She acknowledges she can be cute and sexy but that’s not all the time. I still think Hannah B. has crazy eyes, but I appreciate that she’s pretty real most of the time.

Demi still wishes she were on a one on one date, but settles for a two-on-one with Colton and a phone call with her felon mother. Her mom is freshly released from prison and “being a good girl,” according to Demi. Tina, the convict, sounds relatively normal on the phone and they have a short conversation with Colton listening in.

Sydney straight up asks Colton if he has a reason for being closed off and not choosing her for a one on one date. She feels a wall between them and wants to know if he can actually get to a good place with her. Ultimately, Sydney says she needs more out of Colton. Colton looks like a deer in headlights as Sydney goes on to say some of these women aren’t ready for marriage. Before climbing into the rejection ride, Sydney tell Colton that there are some wonderful women in the group and he needs to find them and not be distracted by shiny things.

Colton is somewhat bummed that Sydney sent herself home, but he is mostly concerned about what her parting comment meant. He gives the group date rose to someone who continues to push him every time they sit down: Tayshia.

Kirpa is visibly upset that Sydney left the evening prior, but she still bounds up to Colton in her polka-dot romper. They sit on the same side of a picnic table in order to not snack on the yummy looking small plates. Kirpa tells Colton that she respects Sydney for what she chose to do and Colton agrees that Sydney gave him a lot to apply to other relationships. He really feels that he and Kirpa progress every time they are together. Their screen time has been limited up to this point, aside from the impromptu dental exam last week, so we’re all out of the loop on this alleged progression.

They recline on a boat and gaze at the scenery. I have flashbacks to Never Been Kissed Heather’s date and the riveting conversation about rocks and water. Thankfully, they grab flippers and snorkeling masks shortly thereafter in order to hunt down sea urchins. And eat them? ABC wasn’t terribly clear on that part, but Colton did not have a great poker face and did not appear to enjoy the culinary experience.

After piquing their appetites with sea urchin, it’s dinner time. Colton is anxious for Kirpa to open up. She shares that she was with someone for 8 years and even got engaged to him. She said the relationship ended because they were too comfortable with one another. I feel like I needed more clarification on this because that doesn't seem like a negative thing, but Colton bought it. As soon as Kirpa said she’d be ready to be engaged again by the end of this, Colton practically thrusts the rose into her hands.

They stroll in the rain with a bubble umbrella after dinner before kissing under an awning. Colton heads back to his Bachelor pad, where suddenly Demi comes knocking. She has primped in the mirror and selected the shirt that most highlights her assets. She is ready to profess her love for… CoCo? Yes, she calls him CoCo when he opens the door and invites her in. CoCo and Cuckoo -- I don’t know, she might be onto something.

Colton pours them glasses of wine and they sit down on the couch. Demi leads with wanting to check on him after Sydney’s departure on the group date. Colton says it was tough but that he had a great night tonight (with Kirpa..). Demi ignores the context clues and forges ahead to reveal how confident and happy she is with their relationship. Colton thanks her, before telling her he doesn't feel the same way. Demi’s face freezes. She literally came here tonight to get the D. Instead, she got dumped. For once, she’s at a loss for words so she hugs him and mouth breathes into her microphone. Her parting words echo Sydney’s: that there are women here who would seem like a good choice initially but who ultimately won’t make him happy.

Hi, stepping up onto my soapbox for a moment. I say this every season, but I hate watching all of these women think they will make Colton happy or endlessly saying how happy he makes them. No man or woman will EVER be the sole reason for someone's happiness. Find out how to be happy ON YOUR OWN and then finds someone who adds to that joy. The end.

Demi walks into her room shared with Hannah G. and Hannah B. to pack. Hannah B. was evidently not expecting cameras at this hour of the evening because she frantically tries to cover her bra-less chest in her flimsy PJ top. Demi heads home to be reunited with Tina and hear all of her prison stories.

Chris Harrison is the bearer of bad news the following day when he drops the bomb that Colton is not having a cocktail party this week. He is ready to hand out roses. Hannah G., Tayshia, and Kirpa are unbothered.

Colton chooses:

Hannah B.

Caelynn

Cassie

Heather

Much to no one’s surprise, Katie is heading home. She walks outside into a Vietnamese downpour. Colton attempts to cover her with his suit jacket and she tells him not to bother. Girl just got dumped on national TV so rain on her best dress is the least of her concerns. Katie is disappointed as she feels she had so much more to give. She also tells Colton that he has a great group, but she knows who is ready for marriage and that there are still women remaining who aren’t here for the right reasons.

As soon as she steps into the vehicle, Colton curses. That’s the third warning he’s received this week about his remaining dates and he’s petrified. So terrified that he jumps a fence next week? MAYBE! Looks like we might be getting some answers for the promo ABC has been milking all season long.