A Very Lucky Girl

Welcome to the week of the show where the men tell all they can contractually reveal. Which usually isn't much. I was thoroughly confused considering Men Tell All is typically sandwiched after fantasy suites and in between the finale. The reunion of Des and her second runner up guy is made 10x awkwarder since they've seen each other naked. Unfortunately, due to extreme drama next week, we didn't get the uncomfortable scenario this season. Harrison introduces himself like I don't know his first and last name and his relationship history like the back of my hand. Want to know a secret? It's probably one of my top five dreams to have Harrison and the Bachelor/ette of the season to crash my watch party. Except instead of houses full of 40+ people, my Monday nights consist of me, my couch, my dog, and my computer. Des might not like witnessing my snarky note-taking.  To prep for the big MTA event, Des sits down with previous bachelorettes (Emily, Ashley, and Ali) to ...

Hometown dates are back. The karma ship has come full circle since Sean Lowe's season, as this was the episode Des herself was sent home on during her stint as a lady vying for his attention. Hartsock travels around America to interact with the men and their families, starting with... Zak: The naked guy drinking beer on his balcony from Mico, Texas has come a long way from shirtless night one. He begins their date in the park and shares a dream he had with her: he and Des melting into the sand, then it starts snowing and they eat the ice crystals, and then lots of kids run out of nowhere. Des is confused, but humors his train of thought, and is rewarded with a part time job in the family snowcone business. I suppose Zak's dream was supposed to be a metaphor for this activity. After hyping up several children and watching her boyfriend dance around in a penguin suit...Des meets the family. Mom (Maryann) actually SKIPS over to hug Des, while the rest of Zak's family is sl...

This, ladies & gentlemen, is the CliffsNotes version of a Bachelorette recap. I watched on Hulu this morning because when the show aired on my 21st birthday I was just taking my first shot of the night. There were several more. Which means I couldn't focus on this trainwreck of a week in Barcelona, Spain Des is in love with Spain. It is the "perfect place to fall in love." Just like Germany before. And Atlantic City before that. The guys sit at school desks, toasting to hoodies and free plane rides, while Chris Harrison announces the week plan. There will again be no cocktail party so the men are instructed to use their time wisely with Des.  Date Card Number One: Drew His dimples kill me. I could eat icing out of them with a baby spoon. SO PRESH. He starts off the date with their first kiss. Just to get that pesky thing outta the way. Raindrops fall, but never fear, Drew whips out his plaid umbrella to shelter dear Des. They share good conversation and half of...

The guys unwind from their long flight in an abundance of muted toned hoodies on a subway in Munich, Germany. Ben shares one of his many ulterior motive for applying for this show in his confession of never crossing the ocean before. He's checking two boxes off of his bucket list at once: travel, be a  jackass, and wear a womanly tank top. Oh wait, that's three! He's a go-getter.  Chris Harrison welcomes the gang, sharing Des' excitement for her first time in Europe to be with such great guys, and announces the dates for the week. The guys feel their plane food trying to make a second showing as they hear about the dreaded two-on-one date in store this week.  Chris heartlessly plants seeds of false hope by proclaiming, "see you all at the next rose ceremony!" Such a rose tease. At least one man will not be there to witness Des' sparkly dress choice of the week. Date One: "Chris, *insert words in German*..." The couple wanders the streets and...