A Very Lucky Girl

Those of you who have been keeping up with Emily Maynard's season of "The Bachelorette" know who Ryan Bowers is. He made an impression on me in the worst way during his television debut, coming across as an arrogant a**hole. I don't know the man in real life so I cannot judge his character based entirely on the ABC edit, but I can judge him based on what he tweets. And I do.  He is known for his open desire to obtain a "trophy wife" and he frequently crowds my twitter feed with comments defending that statement. He needs a better defense.  Let's break down this phrase. "Trophy" connotes images of a shiny statue, something to display proudly in your home for an accomplishment. A trophy is a source of pride in your own abilities and a constant ego boost. You don't take a trophy out to dinner. You don't pledge to spend the rest of your life with a pedestal of wood and gold-plated figurine. "Wife" is someone to love. Someone t...

The Emily/Ricki duo and her suitors are still in Curacao soaking up the sun rays but sticking to their spray tans. Jef monologues on his way to meet the Maynard family, adamant that he loves Emily more than any other girl in his life. But not any other guy? One F, your red flag is showing. He hands bouquets of expensive flowers to Emily's female family members, which I originally thought was courtesy of ABC's checkbook, but Arie's empty hands proved otherwise. Jef converses with the Maynard men about what it would mean to be a husband to Emily and dad to "little Ricki." seriously, her name is always a phrase. I can't help but think hip hop/rap artist. Brother Ernie (too eerily close to Arie) stares down One F, but Jef doesn't waver in his declarations.  Arie arrives to meet the family Maynard in a shirt that resembles part of a long johns set and bearing no gifts, upon first look. BUT WAIT, he has a wooden box. Filled with old roses he's won from the...

Sorry it took me so long to post this! I didn't get a chance to watch it until Saturday while i was dog sitting devil puppies. I have broken up about 3 fights and one of the dogs has ripped up faux decorative apples. Fun Fact: there's a dead mouse in one of these walls. Can absolutely smell it. It's absolutely disgusting. Mmm decomp. I loooove Men Tell All! Especially on a season that lacked spice because of Emily's blandness. Chris Harrison introduces the show by asking if we are all on the edge of our seats to see Emily find the love of her life. Ehh, I'm honestly iffy. I am, however, thrilled to see all the women in America throw themselves at Emily's sloppy seconds. Chris also pronounces finale (FIN-AL-EE) like FIN-ALL-EE. Stop that. Has he done this every season? I need to pay more attention. As we relive the season for the bazillionth time we get to see a clumsy Emily spill wine all over her favorite prom dress and curse about it. Top 3 favorite moment o...

Bow Chicka Wow Wow! This is the night I've been waiting for all season. This is when the door gets slammed in our faces while they get it on. However, Oakes trying to imitate Emily's preview crying was already a highlight at the very beginning. The night could only get better. They traveled to Curacao. I don't know much about the country, but I know I like the drink and it's pretty blue hue.  She sits on some really uncomfortable coral with her slowly fading spray tan to monologue about how much in disbelief she is that guys are traveling the world for free to date her! OMG! IN SHOCK! "Jef marches to his own drum completely and I love that" No, Emily, he IS the drummer in his own boy band. Have you SEEN his hair? 6 minutes in and we are still hearing about Jef. But after we trade that in for close-ups of Arie's acne I'm wishing for Jef, Sean, even Ryan back in the mix. Arie gets about 2 minutes of description. Sucks to suck. I tend to forget about S...

The introduction to the episode of Hometown dates makes everything look seventeen times more dramatic. Emily starts off spending time with Ricki while rocking a skull shirt. So motherly! I thought Ricki was about 8 or 9. She acts 4 or 5. Cameras don't bring out the best in her. Chris: Chicago, Illinois The guys finally get to wear the pants in the relationship and plan the dates. Chris mentions them having a fantastic life in Chicago with Emily, but if I'm not mistaken Emily has said several times that she doesn't want to leave Charlotte. Chris makes it clear that he's Polish. Apparently the rule of thumb when meeting the parents is to raise your voice several octaves to indicate extreme enthusiasm. I think Emily thinks of Chris as a son. She is afraid for him to get his heart broken, even though she is the one in control of that. Chris' sister lets Em know what's up and tells her to let him go if he isn't the one. Sound advic...

At first glance I thought Ames was back with us from Ashley Hebert’s season during the introduction and I almost rejoiced. But then I realized it was just a really weird camera angle of Chris. Devastating. The gang has arrived in Prague. Before we get to actually see anybody we are treated to several camera angles of the same sun peeking around statues and ancient buildings. And finally, there is Emily dragging that trusty turquoise suitcase to her hotel. We still don't buy this you-have-muscles ploy, Em. And, OHMYGAWD, stop everything! I just realized Emily is not a natural blonde. Her roots are out to play. You are on national television, Maynard, get that fixed while you get your horrible spray tan.  First date card arrives and Sean reads it under the piercing glare of Chris willing Sean to say his name. No such luck. Arie gets to "Czech out Prague" with Emily. Am I jealous? With a pun like that? No. Emily arrives to pick up Arie and hugs ever...

I'm relying on my memory of this episode because I just do not have time to rewatch and take notes. Especially if I want this recap debuting before next Monday night.  Ricki is going to be one of the most well-traveled six year olds in Charlotte, NC by the time this show is over. From Bermuda, she and mom jet off to London (probably in a helicopter). Sean receives date card number one and wanders around London with Emily. They are obnoxious tourists, probably even more so with the camera crew following every move, and likely ended up alienating any pro-American sentiment with Sean's impromptu speech on Speaker's Corner. He rambles on for several agonizing minutes about love, which translated to a giant ticking biological clock in Emily's mind for she immediately brings up her love of brats at the dinner table. C'mon Emily, let's be a lady and save that talk for never? You've made your point. Your uterus is apparently starving.  The group date mercifully ...

Emily kicks off Week Four with a description of Bermuda. Her adjective of choice? "Cute." Tropical islands are just SO adorable. Doug is given the one-on-one date (or real-life date, if you prefer). He makes a great impression by telling her cleavage that it "looks very pretty." Emily takes a lull in the conversation to express her surprise at how she really likes it here! I mean, I was worried she was going to hate it...weren't y'all? Emily makes a giant deal of this wishing arch and confides her wish in all of America (which means it's definitely not coming true), telling us that she wished she wouldn't be single forever. Dream big, Em. Emily sees Doug as "too perfect" but his inner Hannah Montana kicks in and he promises that "nobody's perfect!" She continues to press him for faults and he valiantly tries to think of something to satisfy her. But comes up blank. Because, obviously, he's just too good to be true. ...

How else would a southern belle start strenuous week 3 of dating multiple men but with breakfast in bed served by her mother? Maybe Shari should take notes? Chris the chameleon received date number one. I dubbed him this because of his eyes. They are very beady and lizard-like. We met the first cliche metaphor as they climbed a building to get to their rooftop dinner; obviously exactly what falling in love is like. Chris expresses his excitement for the adventure and mentions that he hopes to "maybe share a moment or a kiss." That's realistic because when I'm scaling tall buildings all I really want to do is throw a makeout sesh or two into the mix. A crowd gathers beneath the two spidermen, anxious to watch the first live death of a bachelorette. Emily notes that she is "comfortable with Chris" (probably because she remembers his name, seeing as it's so similar to her BFF's: Chris Harrison). Chris lost some points from me when he exclaimed that he...

Any guesses as to where I was Monday night at 8:30 when Emily made her dating debut? Not in front of the TV. I got the chance to hang out with Tyler so obviously I took it! Instead I hung out with 2,000 other Thunder fans in Thunder alley, urging on the storm that devastated those Lakers. Sucks to suck. But of course I made sure that Bachelorette was set to record before I left the house. Unfortunately, that plan was not foolproof for I received this heart-attack inducing text as soon as we arrived at Thunder alley. All hell almost broke loose. Thankfully, I was able to convince Paul to record it for me, but sadly there was a glitch and neither television housed my show when I settled down to watch it on Tuesday night. Thank God for Hulu! #problemsolver Savannah and Susan treated me to some spoiler texts. What sweethearts. But I truly hoped that half were false, because as much as I dislike Emily, no one deserves the kinds of guys they were insisting starred in the show. First ...