A Very Lucky Girl

Paul Hebert/ABC If you're wondering if I struggle with numbers, the answer is yes, but I intentionally skipped recapping Week 10 because the Men Tell All is notoriously an unorganized train wreck and ain't nobody got time for that. Instead, we are diving right into the Maldives (which are pronounced Mahldeeves, rather than Mahldyves #themoreyouknow). This finale is refreshingly different for me personally, because I don't think Becca can go wrong with either man. Usually I'm screaming at the screen in agony for the Bachelor/ette to make the right choice, so it was nice to know she really couldn't make the wrong decision. In LA at the live finale, Chris Harrison is rocking a fresh spray tan from the salon up the street and invites us to soak up this tear-jerker of an episode. Becca arrives in the Maldives and checks out her paradise before partaking in yoga on the beach and catching up with her fam. She is anxious to get their opinion on her remaining suitors...

source Becca is en route to Richmond, Virginia with a carry on duffel filled with bridal magazines. She explores her new city in a hot pink jacket. Spring has spring according to the tulips, but her layers are telling a different story. Once her guys arrive, they wrestle on the master bedroom in their suite before sitting down to discuss the impending several days. Chris realizes that this is a redemption week and he's going to need to do some serious catching up after his tantrum in Vegas. Before he can make any lofty goals, he sits on a love seat with Lincoln and exchanges childish barbs. The mature adults in the room exchange eye rolls and Jason excuses himself to get ready for his date! Ding Dong Date Card: "Jason, life is full of surprises" Jason and Becca board their private street car and toast to the full day ahead. Becca has always enjoyed Jason's lips so she needed to dedicate an entire day to testing them out. I think Jason drew the short straw on t...

source We find ourselves in the Bachelor mansion just before the Rose Ceremony that ABC so rudely cut short last week. Blake takes some time with Becca to cheer her up after Clay's departure. They plan for a future family. Becca is on board for 3 kids but Blake thinks he may want 5. He's also not the one giving birth so maybe Becca should have veto power on this one. They both love boy names for girls and toss around Stevie and Charlie. Jordan sips his champagne while waiting for his turn with Becca. He thinks his outfit choice of no tie and top two buttons undone shows Becca that he is wild and up for anything. Becca, clued into his wild and up-for-anything vibe, gifts him her extra pair of sheeny gold shortie shorts (she wore the silver ones on the dodgeball date, remember?). David grabs an Uber back from the hospital to show off his newly rearranged face. Determined to snag a pity rose, he shoos away the intern who offers him a pair of scissors for his hospital brace...

source This post is a couple days behind due to a mid-week work trip to Chicago, but what this post lacks in timeliness it makes up for in terms of quotability.   Becca's boys hang out in sweatsuits and whip up breakfast. Despite the casual attire, Chris Harrison is just happy to see that Jordan is wearing clothes this morning after his stripper move the night before. Harrison announces that there will be two group dates and a single one on one date. He drops off the first date card and is on his merry way.  "Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, and Colton-it's time to relax." After Tia-gate, Colton is happy, relieved, and excited to be on this group date. He shouldn't be. The group jumps into a luxury bus, while Becca sets up a brunch spread fit for a queen. 5 in particular-Baby Bekah, Sienne, Kendall, Tia, and Caroline. Becca asks Tia a bit about Colton right off the bat and Tia can't help but assume that Colton thought Tia was going to be the ...

via instagram It feels like yesterday that I was screaming obscenities at the TV as Arie broke Becca's heart on national television, but here we are. The ABC psychiatrist has deemed her ready to do the damn thing. I remembered to set my DVR 17 minutes into the episode so I missed the Arie recap (PTL) and the former bachelorettes exorcising the bad blood from house. Sounds like I didn't miss all that much.  I struggle to decide how to recap the first episode as there really isn't a plot line to follow. We always get introductions, we always get limo exits, and then we watch the men steal time from each other. Becca strolls onto the freshly watered driveway in time for dapper as ever Chris Harrison to welcome her to the mansion of her nightmares. Time to meet her men! Clay He is a professional football player and is in his 9th year in the NFL. He's told he's a big sweetheart and loves his family. He's here for Becca and metro-sexual coats with popped co...

I thought about writing a separate recap for Women Tell All, but truthfully it wasn't all that informative. What you need to know: Arie can't stand Krystal just as much as the rest of us, Krystal swears she was hoarse for 6 weeks (thus the baby stripper voice), and Bekah is standing up for ageism.  Let's get to the overnight dates, that's what Arie was here for anyway.  Arie arrives in Ica, Peru freshly waxed and ready to get to know these women on "a whole other level" (his word, not mine). First conquest: Kendall.  Kendall is excited for their date, but is working through some anxiety on being ready to be a fiancé. She overcomes her misgivings long enough to run, jump, and straddle Arie at the start of their date. He takes her on a dune buggy ride across the desert. Kendall approves, as she likes adrenaline things. Like sweating for a rose every week.  Arie comments like that dune buggy-ing is like a relationship. There are ups and down and it's ...

We've made it to hometowns, people. Breathe a massive sigh of relief that you only have to see Arie on your screen for approximately 2-3 more weeks. Arie rocks a bland button down and drives a sports car on his way to his hometown date with Kendall (what's new?). They kick off the date in a taxidermy room, which I later learned due to some social media room is not actually her collection. Second sigh of relief, she's not nearly as crazy as ABC makes her out to be. However, we still know she's not your average girl as she suggests stuffing a rat carcass for their romantic activity. They each take a skin and start to stuff. Arie frantically looks around for an escape, but resigns himself to their rat play.  In the culmination of creepy, they place their rats in an art and craft project resembling Paris and make the dead stuffed animals kiss. I knew at that moment there was no way Arie would keep this chick around.  After scrubbing the formaldehyde stink off their hand...

Welcome to Tuscany! The land of pizza, pasta, prosecco and off-the-shoulder shirts. The women take in the leaning tower of Pisa before encountering Chris Harrison to learn that this week will not culminate in a rose ceremony. Instead, there will be 3 one on one dates and a group date where roses will be handed out. It's the week before hometowns and Arie needs to decide which parents he'd rather face.  They check into the Renaissance Italy and find the first date card:  Becca K, let's fall in love under the Tuscan sun.  Apparently not one to learn a lesson from the car debacle in Paris, Arie pulls up in a vintage red car. Fortunately for him, this one runs, and they head to Barga in search of their missing passion. After wrecking cars back in American and footing Jenna's open bar bill, ABC is strapped for cash so there is nothing fancy planned for Becca's date. Instead, they plan to walk around and maybe have a picnic.  After strolling through alleys and purcha...