A Very Lucky Girl

We’ve made to the final five hours of this dumpster fire and there is no extinguisher in sight. Arie has narrowed his wifey material to Becca and Emily Maynard Lauren. Chris Harrison introduces the live studio audience and announces that Arie is about to become the most scandalous bachelor in history. Every mother dreams of their son growing up to be the most scandalous man on The Bachelor. Speaking of mothers, Arie’s family is in Cusco, Peru to meet his girlfriends. He preps them for what's to come by admitting that he is in love with 2 women and it’s going to be a tough choice. Lauren is up first to meet the fam. She strolls in flaunting an off the shoulder sweater in her usual nervous state. Arie continues to worry that Lauren gets too in her head. He wants his family to see what he sees in Lauren, which is Emily Maynard. The biggest takeaway from this family introduction is that Luyendyk is pronounced Lion-dyke, which is almost like lyin’ dick. This will be an imp...

I thought about writing a separate recap for Women Tell All, but truthfully it wasn't all that informative. What you need to know: Arie can't stand Krystal just as much as the rest of us, Krystal swears she was hoarse for 6 weeks (thus the baby stripper voice), and Bekah is standing up for ageism.  Let's get to the overnight dates, that's what Arie was here for anyway.  Arie arrives in Ica, Peru freshly waxed and ready to get to know these women on "a whole other level" (his word, not mine). First conquest: Kendall.  Kendall is excited for their date, but is working through some anxiety on being ready to be a fiancé. She overcomes her misgivings long enough to run, jump, and straddle Arie at the start of their date. He takes her on a dune buggy ride across the desert. Kendall approves, as she likes adrenaline things. Like sweating for a rose every week.  Arie comments like that dune buggy-ing is like a relationship. There are ups and down and it's ...

We've made it to hometowns, people. Breathe a massive sigh of relief that you only have to see Arie on your screen for approximately 2-3 more weeks. Arie rocks a bland button down and drives a sports car on his way to his hometown date with Kendall (what's new?). They kick off the date in a taxidermy room, which I later learned due to some social media room is not actually her collection. Second sigh of relief, she's not nearly as crazy as ABC makes her out to be. However, we still know she's not your average girl as she suggests stuffing a rat carcass for their romantic activity. They each take a skin and start to stuff. Arie frantically looks around for an escape, but resigns himself to their rat play.  In the culmination of creepy, they place their rats in an art and craft project resembling Paris and make the dead stuffed animals kiss. I knew at that moment there was no way Arie would keep this chick around.  After scrubbing the formaldehyde stink off their hand...

Welcome to Tuscany! The land of pizza, pasta, prosecco and off-the-shoulder shirts. The women take in the leaning tower of Pisa before encountering Chris Harrison to learn that this week will not culminate in a rose ceremony. Instead, there will be 3 one on one dates and a group date where roses will be handed out. It's the week before hometowns and Arie needs to decide which parents he'd rather face.  They check into the Renaissance Italy and find the first date card:  Becca K, let's fall in love under the Tuscan sun.  Apparently not one to learn a lesson from the car debacle in Paris, Arie pulls up in a vintage red car. Fortunately for him, this one runs, and they head to Barga in search of their missing passion. After wrecking cars back in American and footing Jenna's open bar bill, ABC is strapped for cash so there is nothing fancy planned for Becca's date. Instead, they plan to walk around and maybe have a picnic.  After strolling through alleys and purcha...

The world-wide race to find love finally takes off in Paris this week. The girls try out their French accents and dub "Pair-ee" the most romantic city around!! Their home for the week is a house boat/apartment building on the Seine. They declare it soooo Parisian (How?) and take turns claiming beds before shouting "Bonjour Arie!" like the embarrassing American tourists that they are.  The aforementioned Arie is benched up with Coach Harrison reflecting on the weeks past and wondering at what lies ahead. Being with 10 women is difficult and Arie is shocked that he is falling in love with more than one. What does he expect with free plane tickets, champagne, and ABC-orchestrated dates?  After his huddle with his player, Chris boards the apartment boat to welcome the ladies and lay out the plan for the week. In Paris there will be four dates: 2 one on ones, a group date, and a two on one date. Krystal smirks and wonders who will be paired with her on that two on on...

The Bachelor continues their national tour to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Arie drives a sporty car along the beach with his douchey tattoo peeking out from under his sleeve. The 12 girls bike along the shore and are like so excited to see their relationships continue to form with Arie. The women pile into their penthouse suite at the W and two girls are so pumped about the bathtub that they plant themselves in it instantly--sans water.  Chris Harrison must have taken a personal day, because Arie pops into the penthouse without preamble and without Chris announcing how many dates or what kind of dates they will be. How will the women stay organized?! It could be anarchy--which is why I blame Chris for the how the rest of the week went down.  Maquel is back on board, which makes 13 women. The women fill her in on the bullet she dodged last week by missing the group wilderness date.  Arie personally asks Chelsea on the first one on one of the week. She can't wait to show ...