A Very Lucky Girl

Let me set the scene for a moment. Picture a gritty theater in downtown Los Angeles. Now imagine a low-lit dressing room and add a whimpering girl in a glittering dress and a baffled ex-boyfriend. Welcome back to the Bachelor!  We pick up mid group date with Peter and Hannah’s dressing room pow-wow. Hannah’s running mascara has been touched up by a trusty makeup wipe from a producer’s emergency kit and Peter hits her with “you are the one who said no to me, I’ve never said no to you.” Hannah doesn’t deny this, but she continues to agonize over if she made the right decision as she let go of someone who didn’t hurt her heart. Peter wants someone who wants him and Hannah whispers “let’s go catch a flight” as they snuggle on the couch, Peter’s head resting somewhere in the vicinity of Hannah’s abdomen. Hannah asks for a hug, but ends up climbing into Peter’s lap instead and kissing his forehead. The star-crossed couple gaze into each other’s eyes until Peter breaks the spell w...

ABC is evidently tired of hearing me whine about the Night 1 routine so they threw us a welcome curve-ball this season! Instead of hosting dumb live watch parties across the country or dragging out 17 promos of each contestant, we actually get a rose ceremony and the first 2.5 dates of this journey. My personal journey with the Bachelor franchise began during Jake Pavelka’s “On the Wings of Love” catastrophe, so please excuse any lingering bitterness from that traumatic experience. But Pilot Pete is not Jake the Snake, so please prepare for take-off!  Peter appears recovered from his Hannah B heartbreak and is the only available male from Hannah’s season that isn’t already dating Gigi Hadid (Hi, Tyler C.) or detoxing from Bachelor in Paradise. Promo footage begins with strategic, shirtless shots and cheesy flying innuendo as our premiering pilot fondles planes. ABC hired an intern specifically to watch Top Gun on repeat and then hit nearest Goodwill for Peter’s wardrobe (do...

We’ve been trapped on Alabama Hannah’s roller coaster of a season for weeks on end, but the denouement is in sight. Just a couple more stomach-dropping plunges and loops stand in the way of us and Bachelor in Paradise! Dapper Chris Harrison welcomes his audience back to the studio. Despite working overtime this week, Harrison is impeccably dressed as usual. He wastes no time alluding to the lies, betrayal, and even a cringe worthy proposal we are about to view.  Footage of Engagement Day in Greece graces the big-screens. Hannah lounges in bed with her coffee and her Bible. She has no doubt that both Jed and Tyler have seen the good and bad parts of her. She ponders her growth and the validation she no longer requires. She doesn’t need a man, but she wants one to experience all of life with.  Hannah primps in the mirror and pretends to curl her own hair -- though we all know her styling team was waiting just outside the camera angle. Tyler gazes at the ocean and...