A Very Lucky Girl

I wrote and rewrote this post. But in the end, everything I wanted to say was far too vulnerable for even me to reveal.  "Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth." In other words, I will not pretend to be in favor of poor decisions that could have been avoided. I do not have a desire to continue a close relationship with someone who unapologetically hurts me.  A Very Broken Girl rejoices in the distraction of work and friends. 

"Love keeps no record of wrongs." How appropriate.  If I seem bitter and callous, I am.  If I seem angered and hurt, I am.  If I seem frustrated and betrayed, I am.  Because people are keeping records of wrongs. Because instead of a spirit of future and forgiveness, my "family" is disintegrating based on justification and judgement.  "Let me see redemption win, Let me know the struggle ends,  That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn." A Very Lucky Girl is worn. And feeling more broken than lucky. 

I don't know that I'm necessarily easily angered, but I am easily irritated. I struggle most with holding grudges. You know how I can tell when I haven't forgiven someone completely in a Godly manner? I remain distant and standoffish. God doesn't do that when He forgives me wholly always. Clearly, I'm not God-like. I'm angry with several people at this time. I'm angry with my family for changing. I'm angry with God for allowing so much bad to happen. I'm angry at myself for not praying as much as I ought. But what difference does prayer make, honestly? God supposedly knows what I want before I even know or ask for it myself, but He hasn't come through even when I have asked. Where was He when I moved high schools 3 times? Where was He during lonely senior year? Where was He when I left TCU? Where was He when I was diagnosed with Addison's Disease? Where was He when I missed old friends? Where was He when the tornado hit Moore? Where is He no...

Real quick, I have SUCH a bone to pick with some members of the male population. One of my dearest friends in the world got screwed over recently. Stereotypical story. Girl meets boy. Boy gets girl's number. Boy and girl spend the majority of the next few weekends together. Girl starts falling for him because, who wouldn't? When is he attentive, he is perfect. When he kisses her, she sees them together, at least for a while. But then, boy fools around on the side. Girl confronts him, just wanting answers, only wanting the games to stop. And boy doesn't have a response of any kind. Real classy. Real cute. What a gentleman.  And now girl is understandably hurt. But her anger is so misplaced. She called me, ranting at herself, wishing she'd have been smarter with her time and investment. I told her over and over again, "this is NOT your fault", but she only countered with "I should have known better, I mean, they all do that." No. Just because t...