A Very Lucky Girl

One minute into the mere teasers of tonight's episode and I already saw 7 more tongues than I ever wanted to witness in my life. The twins start off the show with a bang, crying over name-calling. The fight is appropriate considering their matching dresses. They should have stopped dressing like each other in second grade. Your mom is no longer picking out your clothes; show your own mind.  Chris Harrison announces that both a guy and a girl will win a rose in the following challenge. They watch a rhythmic gymnastics demonstration and Tony remarks that he would rather do a hammer toss. Shoulda stuck around for the Highland Games on Emily's season. Erica is shaking in her glitteratti tiara, "I'm not good at...performing." Well DON'T ADMIT THAT TO AMERICA, ERICA! Gosh. Ever heard of a little mystery? #mindinthegutter The group is split into guys versus girls and are given two hours to become star ballerinas, taught by rhythmic gymnasts that are barking order...

Those of you who have been keeping up with Emily Maynard's season of "The Bachelorette" know who Ryan Bowers is. He made an impression on me in the worst way during his television debut, coming across as an arrogant a**hole. I don't know the man in real life so I cannot judge his character based entirely on the ABC edit, but I can judge him based on what he tweets. And I do.  He is known for his open desire to obtain a "trophy wife" and he frequently crowds my twitter feed with comments defending that statement. He needs a better defense.  Let's break down this phrase. "Trophy" connotes images of a shiny statue, something to display proudly in your home for an accomplishment. A trophy is a source of pride in your own abilities and a constant ego boost. You don't take a trophy out to dinner. You don't pledge to spend the rest of your life with a pedestal of wood and gold-plated figurine. "Wife" is someone to love. Someone t...

Sorry it took me so long to post this! I didn't get a chance to watch it until Saturday while i was dog sitting devil puppies. I have broken up about 3 fights and one of the dogs has ripped up faux decorative apples. Fun Fact: there's a dead mouse in one of these walls. Can absolutely smell it. It's absolutely disgusting. Mmm decomp. I loooove Men Tell All! Especially on a season that lacked spice because of Emily's blandness. Chris Harrison introduces the show by asking if we are all on the edge of our seats to see Emily find the love of her life. Ehh, I'm honestly iffy. I am, however, thrilled to see all the women in America throw themselves at Emily's sloppy seconds. Chris also pronounces finale (FIN-AL-EE) like FIN-ALL-EE. Stop that. Has he done this every season? I need to pay more attention. As we relive the season for the bazillionth time we get to see a clumsy Emily spill wine all over her favorite prom dress and curse about it. Top 3 favorite moment o...

Are we running out of dreamy destination vacations, Chris Harrison? Because Emily's choice of Croatia has me flabbergasted. Next stop...Afghanistan? Emily prances into Croatia with a turquoise suitcase. I already see ABC production at work, there's no way southern princess Emily Maynard carries her own suitcase. Its gotta be empty. Good old home town Travis takes the first date. Emily and Travis are united in their hick town backgrounds and show off their square dancing/jigging skills in a Croatian alley. I burst out laughing when Emily mentioned her disappointment in Travis remaining shirtless throughout the Croatian balancing tradition. Her pouty lip is really just too much. Talk about a first world problem. Tyler predicted Travis' eventual demise, but Emily was a tease, picking up the rose to make her break up speech, but then refusing to part with it. Travis' tears almost broke my heart, but his dramatic umbrella toss on the street saved the day, and my mascara. ...

Emily kicks off Week Four with a description of Bermuda. Her adjective of choice? "Cute." Tropical islands are just SO adorable. Doug is given the one-on-one date (or real-life date, if you prefer). He makes a great impression by telling her cleavage that it "looks very pretty." Emily takes a lull in the conversation to express her surprise at how she really likes it here! I mean, I was worried she was going to hate it...weren't y'all? Emily makes a giant deal of this wishing arch and confides her wish in all of America (which means it's definitely not coming true), telling us that she wished she wouldn't be single forever. Dream big, Em. Emily sees Doug as "too perfect" but his inner Hannah Montana kicks in and he promises that "nobody's perfect!" She continues to press him for faults and he valiantly tries to think of something to satisfy her. But comes up blank. Because, obviously, he's just too good to be true. ...

Any guesses as to where I was Monday night at 8:30 when Emily made her dating debut? Not in front of the TV. I got the chance to hang out with Tyler so obviously I took it! Instead I hung out with 2,000 other Thunder fans in Thunder alley, urging on the storm that devastated those Lakers. Sucks to suck. But of course I made sure that Bachelorette was set to record before I left the house. Unfortunately, that plan was not foolproof for I received this heart-attack inducing text as soon as we arrived at Thunder alley. All hell almost broke loose. Thankfully, I was able to convince Paul to record it for me, but sadly there was a glitch and neither television housed my show when I settled down to watch it on Tuesday night. Thank God for Hulu! #problemsolver Savannah and Susan treated me to some spoiler texts. What sweethearts. But I truly hoped that half were false, because as much as I dislike Emily, no one deserves the kinds of guys they were insisting starred in the show. First ...