A Very Lucky Girl

All is quiet in Bachelor mansion land the morning following Alayah’s departure. Four women snuggle on the pool-side patio and hope to leave all of the drama behind this week. Chris Harrison steps outside to invite the ladies in for a biscuit brunch. He recognizes that the past few days have been interesting, but assures the remaining women that Peter is serious about this journey and seriously believes his wife is here. However, it’s time to pack up and meet Peter in beautiful, amazing, and exotic:  Cleveland, Ohio! Crickets.  The ladies struggle to get excited for this mid-western treasure, but dutifully repack their luggage. Hannah Ann fights to fit her Revolve wardrobe winnings into her two allocated suitcases.  Peter rejoices in the scenery change, especially since he’s in the birthplace of Superman! The fictional character of Clark Kent was born in Cleveland! Ohio’s tourism industry must be struggling, because this episode is clearly sponsored....

Let me set the scene for a moment. Picture a gritty theater in downtown Los Angeles. Now imagine a low-lit dressing room and add a whimpering girl in a glittering dress and a baffled ex-boyfriend. Welcome back to the Bachelor!  We pick up mid group date with Peter and Hannah’s dressing room pow-wow. Hannah’s running mascara has been touched up by a trusty makeup wipe from a producer’s emergency kit and Peter hits her with “you are the one who said no to me, I’ve never said no to you.” Hannah doesn’t deny this, but she continues to agonize over if she made the right decision as she let go of someone who didn’t hurt her heart. Peter wants someone who wants him and Hannah whispers “let’s go catch a flight” as they snuggle on the couch, Peter’s head resting somewhere in the vicinity of Hannah’s abdomen. Hannah asks for a hug, but ends up climbing into Peter’s lap instead and kissing his forehead. The star-crossed couple gaze into each other’s eyes until Peter breaks the spell w...

Welcome to Part I of the two night finale Bachelorette event. Grab a bottle of wine (you’ll need the entire thing, promise!) and your nearest couch cushion for second hand embarrassment hiding purposes.  Chris Harrison welcomes his live studio audience to LA and reminds us that three men have been waiting for a rose ceremony for three weeks. Now that Luke finally boarded his flight home, it’s safe to resume where we left off in Crete, Greece.  Unfortunately for us, Jed is still wearing his excrement-colored suit and Hannah sports her 80s bun planted firmly on the top of her head with two chunks of hair hanging down by her highlighted cheeks. The dress isn’t doing anyone any favors either, even with Hannah’s rocking bod. Wardrobe concerns aside, let’s get down to business.  Before she even picks up a bud, Hannah chokes up. She has three amazing men standing in front of her and she feels so lucky to be so loved by them all. This is a difficult decision for ...

How suite it is that we’ve made it this far, team. To borrow an overused term from ABC, it’s truly been a journey. Hannah and her four boyfriends arrive in Crete, Greece. They’ve had their STD tests, refreshed Hannah’s birth control supply, and packed their Trojans. It’s time to take these relationships to the next level.  Pilot Pete is lucky number 1. Before we dive into his date, let’s discuss the bomb that Enews dropped on us yesterday. Precious and innocent Pete had a girlfriend until he dumped her to go on the Bachelorette. In his (slight) defense, Pete dumped her without an explanation once he found out he was cast, however they continued to keep in touch until he left for filming. He also neglected to share why he was breaking up with her, so this poor gal found out about his role on the show with the rest of the nation. Our golden boy’s reputation is tarnished today, but let’s travel back to simpler times in Greece before we knew this terrible truth.  Hann...