A Very Lucky Girl

Welcome to Part I of the two night finale Bachelorette event. Grab a bottle of wine (you’ll need the entire thing, promise!) and your nearest couch cushion for second hand embarrassment hiding purposes.  Chris Harrison welcomes his live studio audience to LA and reminds us that three men have been waiting for a rose ceremony for three weeks. Now that Luke finally boarded his flight home, it’s safe to resume where we left off in Crete, Greece.  Unfortunately for us, Jed is still wearing his excrement-colored suit and Hannah sports her 80s bun planted firmly on the top of her head with two chunks of hair hanging down by her highlighted cheeks. The dress isn’t doing anyone any favors either, even with Hannah’s rocking bod. Wardrobe concerns aside, let’s get down to business.  Before she even picks up a bud, Hannah chokes up. She has three amazing men standing in front of her and she feels so lucky to be so loved by them all. This is a difficult decision for ...

We pick up where we left off in Rhode Island with the Luke showdown. Hannah is confused and fed up with hearing the Lukes discuss each other and asks them to sit down and talk to each other. She wants to hear what’s going on. Luke S accuses Luke P of sabotage and that he is not trustworthy. Luke P continues to accept zero responsibility for his lies. Hannah’s boredom with the entire conversation increases by the second, until she gets up and walks away. Luke S rests his head in his hands, defeated by the classic narcissist. Chris Harrison announces the conclusion of the cocktail party and the imminent rose ceremony. Hannah’s suitors are frustrated and blame Luke P for their lack of time with Hannah this evening. They all cut him off when he tries to speak in his defense. A gentleman I’ve literally never seen on camera until this instant narrates the options: Luke P could go home. Luke S could go home. Both Lukes could go home or both Lukes could stay. Thank you, stra...

It’s hometowns week, y’all! I’m always a little bit bored by hometowns because it’s essentially the same conversation 4x with different families, but let’s go ahead and dive in. Colton plans to ask four different fathers for their blessing on proposing to four different daughters, so obviously that’s going to go over well. But first things first, Colton has to shower sans soap and wrap his towel extra low on his hips to stare pensively in the mirror. He packs his overnight bag, double checking that his Axe body spray is tucked into a crevice. It’s finally time to hit the road and this virgin’s first stop is Virginia! Fredericksburg, VA Caelynn is anxious to introduce Colton to her favorite small-town haunts. They climb aboard her transportation of choice -- a horse drawn carriage -- as Caelynn starts pointing out landmarks. Like the place where her “mom drew people’s blood for a living.” There is a word for that career -- it’s a phlebotemist and Tayshia is one also. Howev...