A Very Lucky Girl

Time to get the third week of this party started! If you missed week two, catch up here ! Mornings at Bachelor mansion consist of sunbathing, journaling, coffee, and sending snide side-eye across the pool. The girls discuss how difficult this journey already is as they are all dating the same guy. Chris Harrison strolls in with a shirt that wardrobe has matched perfectly to his sky-blue eyes. Swoon. He announces the schedule of two group dates and a single one-on-one date before dropping the first date card on the coffee table like a mic. “Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn: I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure.” Caelynn and Hannah B. have some bad blood from their pageant history and aren’t looking forward to being on the same date. The chosen girls run onto the bus in their best Lululemon and Athleta gear before arriving at the Pirate’s Dinner Adventure in LA. Captain Colton is dressed in pirate gear and welcomes his wenches ...

I should start by stating the obvious: I’m not here to make friends. My level of excitement for Colton Underwood's season is approximately a negative 700. My guess is that producers are hoping he’ll be Sean Lowe 2.0, what with the whole All-American blonde, blue eyed, V-card holding vibe he has. I was Team Banker Jason from Buffalo, NY for Bachelor, but nobody asked me. Despite my repeated grumblings about how annoying Colton would be as the Bachelor, I was still in front of the TV at our season kickoff viewing party at Lori’s house. We dined on taco salads (because NEW YEAR NEW ME) and settled in to poke fun at Colton’s litany of ladies and pop Skittles every time someone mentioned Colton's virginity. As with seasons past, night one is often somewhat of a cluster so I will recap based on each individual lady. ABC threw another wrench into my recap plans by making the premiere THREE HOURS LONG!? and featuring live looks at viewing parties in California, Utah, Michigan,...

source Becca is en route to Richmond, Virginia with a carry on duffel filled with bridal magazines. She explores her new city in a hot pink jacket. Spring has spring according to the tulips, but her layers are telling a different story. Once her guys arrive, they wrestle on the master bedroom in their suite before sitting down to discuss the impending several days. Chris realizes that this is a redemption week and he's going to need to do some serious catching up after his tantrum in Vegas. Before he can make any lofty goals, he sits on a love seat with Lincoln and exchanges childish barbs. The mature adults in the room exchange eye rolls and Jason excuses himself to get ready for his date! Ding Dong Date Card: "Jason, life is full of surprises" Jason and Becca board their private street car and toast to the full day ahead. Becca has always enjoyed Jason's lips so she needed to dedicate an entire day to testing them out. I think Jason drew the short straw on t...

I have a lot of questions. First, how is it week 2 already? Second, how is it June? Before we know it we are going to be watching Bachelor in Paradise and I'd bet my dog that Chad will be there unless anyone takes out a restraining order on him first. But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Episode two opens with JoJo gazing out at the scenery on her balcony comparing this to a fairytale, except that she has 20 Prince Charmings to choose from.  The dudes hang out in the living room after brunch and toast mimosas. Chad chants: "to a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, f*** you guys, I'm going to make her my wife." Update: Chad is still an ass.  The first date card arrives! Evan scoops it up and reads, "Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, Robby: let's heat things up." A flaming limo arrives in the driveway and starts exploding from the heat. I am genuinely concerned that somebody is going to have to be a hero if JoJo is in that lim...