A Very Lucky Girl

Last week, our fair bachelor Colton had just sent Caelynn packing in a flood of tears (hers, not his) and requested a pow-wow with Chris Harrison. His remaining trio of ladies stand awkwardly in the foyer clutching their champagne glasses and twirling their hair extensions in nervous anticipation for the upcoming fantasy suites. Colton and Harrison take up residence on the front porch. Colton doesn’t have a plan mapped out for losing his V-card, but if he is in love with someone then he can see it happening. After all, he’s been waiting for the opportunity to “make love” with someone all these years. Heaven help us, we are 3 minutes in and my ears are bleeding already.   Feeling comfortably buoyed by Harrison’s listening ear and not at all bothered by my injured pair, Colton joins the ladies in the foyer. He has so much hope for where these three relationships can go and announces Algarve, Portugal as their next destination. Cassie gazes at the ocean, hopeful it hold...

Orange is the New Black. Let's all thank Netflix for this beautiful show they offer.  *moment of silence* Seriously, I started watching this show one Friday evening this semester and finished it the immediate following Saturday evening. I watched 13 one hour episodes in a 24 hour period. Part of the beauty of this series is the real-ness of the women. I don't think anyone was asked to "slim down" for this role. I think the actresses came into filming, just as they are, and were chosen because of who they are. Because that's how you get to prison. Because of how you're behaving. Or because of how the justice system has failed. Prison is an imperfect place filled with imperfect people. And the world itself is an imperfect place with imperfect people who commit crimes against humanity daily. They just aren't illegal. Pride, envy, gluttony--those are some of mine. But my talent doesn't come from me, though I'd like to think so. I have wonderful ble...

I have three favorite drinking games that I want to share with you. Obviously, when I say "drinking" I'm referring to water or sparkling grape juice since I'm not yet 21 (48 days--not counting or anything). First, the Bachelor/Bachelorette drinking game. Savannah helped come up with the rules for this one and they are as follows: Sip every time someone says "journey" or "amazing" Finish your drink if a contestant insists they aren't here to make friends Sip for every tear you see Gulp for every cheesy metaphor (i.e. "hiking up a mountain is like falling in love") Sip every time the main character references their previous season or relationships Sip for every rose handed out You get the picture and probably can add your own rules. Making them specific to a season is even more fun (i.e. for Emily Maynard's season we added drinking every time she referenced her deceased fiance or her daughter). My all-time favorite televi...

I make a motion to rename Sean Lowe's season: Abs on Abs on Abs. Any seconds? I watched the premiere of season 17 with some friends in Norman and amidst the reunion with Natasha and congratulating Savannah on her TEACH FOR AMERICA position (snaps for Sav!) I may have missed a few minor details of the show and gotten the 26? 27? girls woefully mixed up. But I took copious notes to kick start my blogging agenda for the season. I hereby promise to do everything short of death to have a recap posted on the Tuesday following the Monday night viewing. It may not be Tuesday morning; but it WILL be Tuesday.  So. Let the games begin, and may the odds be ever in Sean's abs favor.  The Boy The show begins with a preview as the faces of girls we don't yet know flash across the screen in various positions of drama. We walk through the Emily Maynard sadz (remember the mermaid skirt?! UGH) and then get an up close and truly personal glimpse of Sean's workout routine. And his bo...

Ashlee Amanda   These ladies will make their ABC debut on Sean Lowe's season of "The Bachelor" TOMORROW. Rumor has it that Kacie B. is going to join them in a "who IS she?" moment that will join the ranks of Jersey Shore Elyse's comment from Bachelor                  Ben's season in  franchise history. Brooke Ashley P Right now they are only a blur of boobs, spray tans, and blindingly white teeth. But I have picked out some favorites and some ladies that are sure to see the rejection limo first. Brooke, Leslie (not to be confused with Lesley), and Robyn will likely be among the first ones eliminated. Sad as it is, there has never been any diversity in the final relationships in Bachelor history. I expect Daniella, Kelly, and Lacey to make the ditziest comments (I discriminate against blonde hair). Lindsay and Lauren are my top two picks. Lauren reminds me of Sean's mom (we totes email--just kidding, we all saw ...

J P Rosenbaum and Ashley Hebert publicly married on December 1st in California, but shared their story with the rest of the world on ABC on December 16th. I was unfortunately (fortunately?) occupied with an incredible Christmas party involving all of my coworkers at Fuzzy's so I relied on TiVo to capture the moment. It captured most of the moment--right up until "coming up, the couple exchanges their emotional vows" thanks to a Wipeout episode that exceeded its alloted time.  Chris Harrison presided over the ceremony and the broadcast, highlighting the astonishing fact that this is the THIRD bachelor franchise wedding. Out of at least 20 seasons, I think...The odds are never in their favor. The camera cuts to "the life that JP and Ashley have already started building together" (aka: national television speak for living in sin) and flashbacks to their journey on Ashley's season of the bachelorette. Their first kiss appeared to be entirely left up to chance ...

The first few minutes of the show are recovery time from the previous rose ceremony. Sarah's vote nearly sent Ed home and his close call has him reaching for the alcohol, "I need more champagne." Get me a glass while you're at it, Ed? I have a feeling I'm gonna need it for the rest of this episode. Fortified with liquid courage, Ed brainstorms about leaving but his partner, Jacelyn, convinces him to stay despite the lies and betrayal that have taken up residence in the Bachelor Pad.  Chris Harrison's friendly face takes attention away from the tension and announces the next competition. Everyone rejoices that it will be held away from the house. It must be so hard to be held hostage in a million dollar mansion swathed in pools.  At first glance, the challenge is an obstacle course. And everyone starts talking big game. Chris clarifies that the course is modeled after a hot fudge sundae. First, the girls will wade through an ice cream swamp, hurtle down a h...

How else would a southern belle start strenuous week 3 of dating multiple men but with breakfast in bed served by her mother? Maybe Shari should take notes? Chris the chameleon received date number one. I dubbed him this because of his eyes. They are very beady and lizard-like. We met the first cliche metaphor as they climbed a building to get to their rooftop dinner; obviously exactly what falling in love is like. Chris expresses his excitement for the adventure and mentions that he hopes to "maybe share a moment or a kiss." That's realistic because when I'm scaling tall buildings all I really want to do is throw a makeout sesh or two into the mix. A crowd gathers beneath the two spidermen, anxious to watch the first live death of a bachelorette. Emily notes that she is "comfortable with Chris" (probably because she remembers his name, seeing as it's so similar to her BFF's: Chris Harrison). Chris lost some points from me when he exclaimed that he...

Any guesses as to where I was Monday night at 8:30 when Emily made her dating debut? Not in front of the TV. I got the chance to hang out with Tyler so obviously I took it! Instead I hung out with 2,000 other Thunder fans in Thunder alley, urging on the storm that devastated those Lakers. Sucks to suck. But of course I made sure that Bachelorette was set to record before I left the house. Unfortunately, that plan was not foolproof for I received this heart-attack inducing text as soon as we arrived at Thunder alley. All hell almost broke loose. Thankfully, I was able to convince Paul to record it for me, but sadly there was a glitch and neither television housed my show when I settled down to watch it on Tuesday night. Thank God for Hulu! #problemsolver Savannah and Susan treated me to some spoiler texts. What sweethearts. But I truly hoped that half were false, because as much as I dislike Emily, no one deserves the kinds of guys they were insisting starred in the show. First ...