A Very Lucky Girl

source This post is a couple days behind due to a mid-week work trip to Chicago, but what this post lacks in timeliness it makes up for in terms of quotability.   Becca's boys hang out in sweatsuits and whip up breakfast. Despite the casual attire, Chris Harrison is just happy to see that Jordan is wearing clothes this morning after his stripper move the night before. Harrison announces that there will be two group dates and a single one on one date. He drops off the first date card and is on his merry way.  "Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, and Colton-it's time to relax." After Tia-gate, Colton is happy, relieved, and excited to be on this group date. He shouldn't be. The group jumps into a luxury bus, while Becca sets up a brunch spread fit for a queen. 5 in particular-Baby Bekah, Sienne, Kendall, Tia, and Caroline. Becca asks Tia a bit about Colton right off the bat and Tia can't help but assume that Colton thought Tia was going to be the ...

source I promise you that the title isn't click bait. We will discuss the naked male model in just a few too short paragraphs. Night one is over and Becca is officially back on the bicycle of dating. To further illustrate this point, she takes a bike on a spin around the Bachelor mansion neighborhood, ringing her little bell for joy. While this spectacle occurs, the men are waking up, enjoying the view, and feeling hashtag blessed.  Harrison strides into the living room and reminds the men that Becca isn't here to play games and they should take advantage of the time they receive with her. He drops off date card number one before making his exit.  "Clay, Nick, Chris R, David, Jean-Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln--I'm ready for my big day." A limo takes the group to Saddlerock Ranch in Malibu where Lincoln claws his way to be the first out of the limo to hug Becca. Take note, this is classic ABC foreshadowing. Becca is wearing bridal white and invites ...

Hometown dates are back. The karma ship has come full circle since Sean Lowe's season, as this was the episode Des herself was sent home on during her stint as a lady vying for his attention. Hartsock travels around America to interact with the men and their families, starting with... Zak: The naked guy drinking beer on his balcony from Mico, Texas has come a long way from shirtless night one. He begins their date in the park and shares a dream he had with her: he and Des melting into the sand, then it starts snowing and they eat the ice crystals, and then lots of kids run out of nowhere. Des is confused, but humors his train of thought, and is rewarded with a part time job in the family snowcone business. I suppose Zak's dream was supposed to be a metaphor for this activity. After hyping up several children and watching her boyfriend dance around in a penguin suit...Des meets the family. Mom (Maryann) actually SKIPS over to hug Des, while the rest of Zak's family is sl...

The guys unwind from their long flight in an abundance of muted toned hoodies on a subway in Munich, Germany. Ben shares one of his many ulterior motive for applying for this show in his confession of never crossing the ocean before. He's checking two boxes off of his bucket list at once: travel, be a  jackass, and wear a womanly tank top. Oh wait, that's three! He's a go-getter.  Chris Harrison welcomes the gang, sharing Des' excitement for her first time in Europe to be with such great guys, and announces the dates for the week. The guys feel their plane food trying to make a second showing as they hear about the dreaded two-on-one date in store this week.  Chris heartlessly plants seeds of false hope by proclaiming, "see you all at the next rose ceremony!" Such a rose tease. At least one man will not be there to witness Des' sparkly dress choice of the week. Date One: "Chris, *insert words in German*..." The couple wanders the streets and...

Sean apparently works out EVERY WEEK. Whaaaat? Chris Harrison rounds up the girls, who are finally getting comfortable in the house, judging by some make-up less faces. First Date Card: "Lesley M., How long will this love last?" Sean brings Lesley to the Guinness Book of World Records and she pretends to have a good time. We find out that Sean's dad holds a Guinness Record (seriously, this guy's pedigree just keeps getting better). Sean suggests that they try to break the world's longest on-screen kiss. Previously, it was 3 minutes and 15 seconds (which honestly doesn't seem that long....me and Tyler could EASILY break that). And really, it seems more like the longest on screen peck because their lips cannot ever separate for it to be legit. Lesley keeps laughing and fist pumps at the one minute mark, clearly not engrossed in her kiss. They beat it, obviously. Sean artfully leads her on by declaring that she is "the only girl I want to set records wi...

The remaining players congratulate themselves on surviving yet another rose ceremony. Jacelyn dubs the late Reid, Dummy McDummerson for not seeing his lies crumbling around him. David and Jamie together mourn the loss of Donna's boobs and Reid's glasses. Jamie realizes that she doesn't have a partner BECAUSE SHE VOTED HERS OFF 2 WEEKS AGO LIKE A DUMMY MCDUMMERSON.  Harrison waltzes into the Bachelor Pad parlor in what looks to be a leather tux. He comes bearing gifts, clipboards with questionnaire packets; homework for the now sufficiently drunk contestants. ABC production takes in vito veritas seriously. The surveys will be used at the next challenge, Gameshow Mashup.  Gameshow Mashup is a bachelor pad game show designed to stir up drama. Instead of playing as partnerships, these roses will be given to the one man and one woman who score the highest. It's every skank for themselves.  The first round is based on love and romance trivia and contestants answer sever...