A Very Lucky Girl

Last week, our fair bachelor Colton had just sent Caelynn packing in a flood of tears (hers, not his) and requested a pow-wow with Chris Harrison. His remaining trio of ladies stand awkwardly in the foyer clutching their champagne glasses and twirling their hair extensions in nervous anticipation for the upcoming fantasy suites. Colton and Harrison take up residence on the front porch. Colton doesn’t have a plan mapped out for losing his V-card, but if he is in love with someone then he can see it happening. After all, he’s been waiting for the opportunity to “make love” with someone all these years. Heaven help us, we are 3 minutes in and my ears are bleeding already.   Feeling comfortably buoyed by Harrison’s listening ear and not at all bothered by my injured pair, Colton joins the ladies in the foyer. He has so much hope for where these three relationships can go and announces Algarve, Portugal as their next destination. Cassie gazes at the ocean, hopeful it hold...

In case you missed the premiere, you can catch up here . In brief, Colton sent home 6 women -- most notably a sloth. The season already tried (and failed) to be experimental with week one where they bounced between various watch parties hosted by franchise alum. In the same vein, they’ve provided Colton with his own personal GoPro so he can take shirtless videos from the comfort of his bed. It’s just as weird as it sounds. This week, we join the remaining smitten women in the infamous sunken living room where Chris Harrison drops off the first date card and then heads back to his trailer to catch up on his Tinder matches. FUN FACT: the Bachelor mansion is inhabited by a real family 10 months out of the year. When filming starts, it is emptied of all of the personal belongings and key rooms are re-painted in ONE SINGLE DAY. The displaced family then lives in a nearby hotel for the duration of filming -- on the network’s dime, of course (information courtesy of Amy Kaufman in...

I should start by stating the obvious: I’m not here to make friends. My level of excitement for Colton Underwood's season is approximately a negative 700. My guess is that producers are hoping he’ll be Sean Lowe 2.0, what with the whole All-American blonde, blue eyed, V-card holding vibe he has. I was Team Banker Jason from Buffalo, NY for Bachelor, but nobody asked me. Despite my repeated grumblings about how annoying Colton would be as the Bachelor, I was still in front of the TV at our season kickoff viewing party at Lori’s house. We dined on taco salads (because NEW YEAR NEW ME) and settled in to poke fun at Colton’s litany of ladies and pop Skittles every time someone mentioned Colton's virginity. As with seasons past, night one is often somewhat of a cluster so I will recap based on each individual lady. ABC threw another wrench into my recap plans by making the premiere THREE HOURS LONG!? and featuring live looks at viewing parties in California, Utah, Michigan,...