A Very Lucky Girl

Hometown dates are back. The karma ship has come full circle since Sean Lowe's season, as this was the episode Des herself was sent home on during her stint as a lady vying for his attention. Hartsock travels around America to interact with the men and their families, starting with... Zak: The naked guy drinking beer on his balcony from Mico, Texas has come a long way from shirtless night one. He begins their date in the park and shares a dream he had with her: he and Des melting into the sand, then it starts snowing and they eat the ice crystals, and then lots of kids run out of nowhere. Des is confused, but humors his train of thought, and is rewarded with a part time job in the family snowcone business. I suppose Zak's dream was supposed to be a metaphor for this activity. After hyping up several children and watching her boyfriend dance around in a penguin suit...Des meets the family. Mom (Maryann) actually SKIPS over to hug Des, while the rest of Zak's family is sl...

As promised, Tyler took one for the team last night. Boyfriend of the year award. Boyfriend of the CENTURY award. He emailed me his Bachelorette recap last night and so, with some minor revisions, I present his uncensored opinions on Des and her men: At 6:30 I made a quick and necessary trip to Starbucks down Main street to get some espresso in my system for the task I had at hand. I arrived at my house, sat on the floor, opened my Mac, tuned the television to channel 705 (roses HAVE to be in HD), sipped on the mocha, and cranked up the surround sound.  I knew it was going to be a good night. This week’s episode is set in Madeira, a small island off of the Northwestern coast of Portugal. Des’s first comment about the island is “I feel like I’m on the edge of the world.” Apparently she’s a little behind... The earth is round, sweetheart. She and the remaining guys dock in the port and head their separate ways. Des meets up with three former castmates...

This, ladies & gentlemen, is the CliffsNotes version of a Bachelorette recap. I watched on Hulu this morning because when the show aired on my 21st birthday I was just taking my first shot of the night. There were several more. Which means I couldn't focus on this trainwreck of a week in Barcelona, Spain Des is in love with Spain. It is the "perfect place to fall in love." Just like Germany before. And Atlantic City before that. The guys sit at school desks, toasting to hoodies and free plane rides, while Chris Harrison announces the week plan. There will again be no cocktail party so the men are instructed to use their time wisely with Des.  Date Card Number One: Drew His dimples kill me. I could eat icing out of them with a baby spoon. SO PRESH. He starts off the date with their first kiss. Just to get that pesky thing outta the way. Raindrops fall, but never fear, Drew whips out his plaid umbrella to shelter dear Des. They share good conversation and half of...

Chris Harrison announces to the room of guys that there are 13 men remaining, for those of them who can't count themselves. Decked out in yellow and blue plaid, Harrison proclaims the first stop in the Bachelorette World Tour to be Atlantic City. Although I think Atlantic City was brought to Cali based on the amount of GTL evident this season (Gel, Tan, Long stories). Des arrives in Jersey before her dates and gets hit on by some random PoPo on the boardwalk interspersed with some travel shots of the gentlemen on parade. It's like following a fraternity house on constant camera. After settling into their sweet new pad on floor 43, the guys receive Date Card #1: "Brad, let our love shine through..." *spoiler alert* The light didn't make it. Don't you hate it when your dates don't measure up to your metaphors? As you recall from last week, Brad is the one who may or may not have been convicted of domestic abuse in the past. The couple heads to the Atlanti...

Now that I've started working this summer, I look forward to Monday Bachelorette nights even more. This one did not disappoint. Date Card One: "Chris, Ryan, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zak, Ben...love is a battlefield." Des met her men in a clashing neon outfit of orange tank top and hot pink sweatshirt and invited them into a garage. A team of professional dodgeball players greeted them and taught them the tricks of the trade. I played dodgeball in P.E. in sixth grade. I could probably teach them a few things. But these pros were intense and were here for the right reasons. One of Des' men monologued, "it's all fun and games until the ambulance arrives and someone has a broken face." And here, class, we have a prime example of foreshadowing by the ABC production team. Chris Harrison interrupted the dodgeball practice to introduce a "winner-takes-all" match and randomly split the guys into a red team and a blue team. The ...

Chris Harrison rallied the troops, asked about the 10 star accommodations, and announced Des would be by later in the morning to pick up her first one-on-one date. He then took unnecessary time to explain how the process works before leaving the first date card: "Brooks, I'm waiting for a sign..." He was "so pumped" to hang out with this "ball of mystery." Des=ball of mystery, I'm guessing. Back at the bachelorette mansion Des spent her morning casually drawing and applying lipgloss. She drove up to the bachelor mansion in her signature BlueBentley and doled out hugs to everyone before waving goodbye as she left with Brooks...and I half expected her to hit a potted plant on the way out the drive They romantically yelled at each other as they speed down the highway because stuff like wind doesn't really exist on the bachelorette. Des took Brooks to a wedding dress store because that's a totally casual and not a psycho-crazy first...

The Girl: Desiree Hartsock's season of the Bachelorette began last night and I had the privilege of watching her meet the 25 guys with Susan and Megan and gummy worms. What more can a girl ask for to kick off a journey of roses? A bottle of wine? Next week. Des took a tour of the Malibu bachelorette pad, a strong contrast to the tent she grew up in. 60 seconds into the show and she already had tears running down her face in a monologue. She cries about the Sean break up, but yet she's ready to love again? That's totally the healthy emotional response of a girl who's over her ex. Chris Harrison handed over the keys to a baby blue convertible that she slowly drove to the beach to avoid mussing her brunette locks. Once sandside, Des rollerbladed on the boardwalk and chased seagulls in between casual outfit changes while Andy Grammer's "Crazy Beautiful" played in the background. Go buy his song; I haven't regretted it yet. Worn out from holding her ...

Let me preface by saying that I had a truly fantastic Monday. I partook in a 2.4 mile run (at 8:14 pace!), finished my British Literature midterm, received an email and subsequent CHECK from the bursar (they owed ME money for once!), and consumed two cocktails at dinner. Needless to say, Women Tell All was just the icing on my Monday cookie cake.  I settled in on Natasha's couch in between her and Tyler with her boyfriend on her other side. Those men are very patient with our addiction to the Bachelor.  The long-awaited show opened with glimpses of Chris Harrison and Sean Lowe crashing Bachelor watch parties throughout the season. Unfortunately, their caravan never made it to lowly Oklahoma. Natasha and I would have welcomed Sean's abs and Chris' mischievous grin with open arms. Chris invites us to meet the rejected ladies--Chris, we've met them. Although I could use a re-introduction to some. Were they even ON the show? This happens every season. Tierra isn't off...

Fair warning: It's looking like a short recap week. I wrote five mini papers this weekend in order to make time for the two mega papers I have due in the next three weeks. So I'm nearly out of words. Plus, Tierra, her wonky eyebrow, and her sparkle are long departed. And Sarah, like her left forearm, is nowhere to be found. So what else is there to write for? NOTHING, I TELL YOU. Not to mention, hometown week is way too emotional to really make snarky comments about. But believe me, I tried. Houston, Texas is Sean's first stop to meet AshLee's parents. She brings her ugly, yappy dog named Bailey on a picnic and Sean is chauffeured to the site by a gas-guzzling SUV. AshLee and Sean bond over their pastor-kid status and then make out with extra tongue to really seal the irony. And then AshLee says the words that will likely send her home in the next few weeks: "Sean is gonna be the man to protect my heart." Wrong, please try Kasey from Ali’s seas...

I didn't get to watch Bachelor last night so I made up for it on Hulu this morning. Sean greets us with a not nearly long enough glimpse of his workout and subsequent shower. Chris Harrison meanders into the lions' den--AKA Bachelor Mansion--and delivers Date Card #1. "Sarah, are you ready to fall in love today?" Sean picks up his one-armed princess in a helicopter and the remaining girls watch wistfully as the couple flies to the top of a 35-story building. Sean invites Sarah to free-fall with him to the champagne toast at the bottom of the skyscraper. I think I would've forgone the bubbly at that point and suggested we steal a water bottle from the crew and split that instead. Less dangerous. But Sarah gamefully fell the 35 stories and was rewarded with a rose and a kiss after a conversationally-rich dinner with Sean. Meanwhile, Date Card #2 arrived at the mansion. "Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Taryn,...