A Very Lucky Girl

Paul Hebert/ABC If you're wondering if I struggle with numbers, the answer is yes, but I intentionally skipped recapping Week 10 because the Men Tell All is notoriously an unorganized train wreck and ain't nobody got time for that. Instead, we are diving right into the Maldives (which are pronounced Mahldeeves, rather than Mahldyves #themoreyouknow). This finale is refreshingly different for me personally, because I don't think Becca can go wrong with either man. Usually I'm screaming at the screen in agony for the Bachelor/ette to make the right choice, so it was nice to know she really couldn't make the wrong decision. In LA at the live finale, Chris Harrison is rocking a fresh spray tan from the salon up the street and invites us to soak up this tear-jerker of an episode. Becca arrives in the Maldives and checks out her paradise before partaking in yoga on the beach and catching up with her fam. She is anxious to get their opinion on her remaining suitors...

source This post is a couple days behind due to a mid-week work trip to Chicago, but what this post lacks in timeliness it makes up for in terms of quotability.   Becca's boys hang out in sweatsuits and whip up breakfast. Despite the casual attire, Chris Harrison is just happy to see that Jordan is wearing clothes this morning after his stripper move the night before. Harrison announces that there will be two group dates and a single one on one date. He drops off the first date card and is on his merry way.  "Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, and Colton-it's time to relax." After Tia-gate, Colton is happy, relieved, and excited to be on this group date. He shouldn't be. The group jumps into a luxury bus, while Becca sets up a brunch spread fit for a queen. 5 in particular-Baby Bekah, Sienne, Kendall, Tia, and Caroline. Becca asks Tia a bit about Colton right off the bat and Tia can't help but assume that Colton thought Tia was going to be the ...

We’ve made to the final five hours of this dumpster fire and there is no extinguisher in sight. Arie has narrowed his wifey material to Becca and Emily Maynard Lauren. Chris Harrison introduces the live studio audience and announces that Arie is about to become the most scandalous bachelor in history. Every mother dreams of their son growing up to be the most scandalous man on The Bachelor. Speaking of mothers, Arie’s family is in Cusco, Peru to meet his girlfriends. He preps them for what's to come by admitting that he is in love with 2 women and it’s going to be a tough choice. Lauren is up first to meet the fam. She strolls in flaunting an off the shoulder sweater in her usual nervous state. Arie continues to worry that Lauren gets too in her head. He wants his family to see what he sees in Lauren, which is Emily Maynard. The biggest takeaway from this family introduction is that Luyendyk is pronounced Lion-dyke, which is almost like lyin’ dick. This will be an imp...

We made it to the final episode! JoJo, Robby, and Jordan are all in Thailand and JoJo is faced with the decision: which former athlete does she want to spend the rest of her life with? She calls in family reinforcements to ignore their advice  help make her decision.  I'm looking forward to what the brothers have to say, since they were oh so welcoming during Ben's hometown last season. Mama's face had some work done. Sister's face needs some of Mama's work.  Jordan is up first to meet the fam and you'd think he'd shave for the occasion, or at least clean up the scruff. Instead, he is rocking a strange looking V on his chin.  Mama takes Jordan aside and wants his word that he will never break her daughter's heart. He promises and I roll my eyes. When JoJo asks for mama's opinion, Mama offers that they are too much alike and trust issues would come into play. Her key argument? Of course I like Jordan, who doesn't like Jordan?  My hand flew up...

Recap Episode 7: If you remember, in episode 6, JoJo was allowed an extra rose to save her from deliberation between James T and Alex. In episode 7, James T and Alex go home. JoJo could have saved us all two hours of our life if she had made that decision in episode 6. All of America saw it coming: recap complete.  Recap Episode 8: Hometowns! Chase is up first. They sit on a mountain in Colorado and discuss his broken and imperfect family. He is a child of divorce, and thus it is difficult for him to throw the L word around like some former athletes on this show. He takes her to his cute little home and ding dong Dad arrives. Dad is adorable and tries to explain Chase's walls to JoJo. Chase tells Dad that he is ready to put his heart on the line. Next on the agenda-dinner at Mom's. Mom takes some time with JoJo to discuss how Chase is crazy about her and how it is far easier for him to express his love through actions rather than words. JoJo is still dying to hear the L ...

Last night, Sean Lowe's journey came to a close. His betrothed was a toss up between Catherine Giudici or Lindsey Yenter. And I decided at 7:36 pm CST that I thought the mystery letter was from his mom. Just a hunch. Chris Harrison welcomed us to the LIVE bachelor finale with some teasing information about late-breaking news that we would want to endure all three hours for before directing us to the giant television on the wall of the studio that we plunged into to locate Sean Lowe. Sean wandered around Chaing Rai, Thailand, musing that "although I see Catherine as my wife I equally see Lindsay as my wife, as well." And therein lies the problem with the Bachelor franchise. Sean Lowe's family caravaned to Thailand, complete with Kensington and Smith, his niece and nephew who would make an excellent law firm together. Smith helpfully piped up in the midst of the reunion, "Emily didn't pick you!" What a time to open up old wounds, little buddy. Sean...