A Very Lucky Girl

Sorry it took me so long to post this! I didn't get a chance to watch it until Saturday while i was dog sitting devil puppies. I have broken up about 3 fights and one of the dogs has ripped up faux decorative apples. Fun Fact: there's a dead mouse in one of these walls. Can absolutely smell it. It's absolutely disgusting. Mmm decomp. I loooove Men Tell All! Especially on a season that lacked spice because of Emily's blandness. Chris Harrison introduces the show by asking if we are all on the edge of our seats to see Emily find the love of her life. Ehh, I'm honestly iffy. I am, however, thrilled to see all the women in America throw themselves at Emily's sloppy seconds. Chris also pronounces finale (FIN-AL-EE) like FIN-ALL-EE. Stop that. Has he done this every season? I need to pay more attention. As we relive the season for the bazillionth time we get to see a clumsy Emily spill wine all over her favorite prom dress and curse about it. Top 3 favorite moment o...

The introduction to the episode of Hometown dates makes everything look seventeen times more dramatic. Emily starts off spending time with Ricki while rocking a skull shirt. So motherly! I thought Ricki was about 8 or 9. She acts 4 or 5. Cameras don't bring out the best in her. Chris: Chicago, Illinois The guys finally get to wear the pants in the relationship and plan the dates. Chris mentions them having a fantastic life in Chicago with Emily, but if I'm not mistaken Emily has said several times that she doesn't want to leave Charlotte. Chris makes it clear that he's Polish. Apparently the rule of thumb when meeting the parents is to raise your voice several octaves to indicate extreme enthusiasm. I think Emily thinks of Chris as a son. She is afraid for him to get his heart broken, even though she is the one in control of that. Chris' sister lets Em know what's up and tells her to let him go if he isn't the one. Sound advic...

I'm relying on my memory of this episode because I just do not have time to rewatch and take notes. Especially if I want this recap debuting before next Monday night.  Ricki is going to be one of the most well-traveled six year olds in Charlotte, NC by the time this show is over. From Bermuda, she and mom jet off to London (probably in a helicopter). Sean receives date card number one and wanders around London with Emily. They are obnoxious tourists, probably even more so with the camera crew following every move, and likely ended up alienating any pro-American sentiment with Sean's impromptu speech on Speaker's Corner. He rambles on for several agonizing minutes about love, which translated to a giant ticking biological clock in Emily's mind for she immediately brings up her love of brats at the dinner table. C'mon Emily, let's be a lady and save that talk for never? You've made your point. Your uterus is apparently starving.  The group date mercifully ...

Emily kicks off Week Four with a description of Bermuda. Her adjective of choice? "Cute." Tropical islands are just SO adorable. Doug is given the one-on-one date (or real-life date, if you prefer). He makes a great impression by telling her cleavage that it "looks very pretty." Emily takes a lull in the conversation to express her surprise at how she really likes it here! I mean, I was worried she was going to hate it...weren't y'all? Emily makes a giant deal of this wishing arch and confides her wish in all of America (which means it's definitely not coming true), telling us that she wished she wouldn't be single forever. Dream big, Em. Emily sees Doug as "too perfect" but his inner Hannah Montana kicks in and he promises that "nobody's perfect!" She continues to press him for faults and he valiantly tries to think of something to satisfy her. But comes up blank. Because, obviously, he's just too good to be true. ...

How else would a southern belle start strenuous week 3 of dating multiple men but with breakfast in bed served by her mother? Maybe Shari should take notes? Chris the chameleon received date number one. I dubbed him this because of his eyes. They are very beady and lizard-like. We met the first cliche metaphor as they climbed a building to get to their rooftop dinner; obviously exactly what falling in love is like. Chris expresses his excitement for the adventure and mentions that he hopes to "maybe share a moment or a kiss." That's realistic because when I'm scaling tall buildings all I really want to do is throw a makeout sesh or two into the mix. A crowd gathers beneath the two spidermen, anxious to watch the first live death of a bachelorette. Emily notes that she is "comfortable with Chris" (probably because she remembers his name, seeing as it's so similar to her BFF's: Chris Harrison). Chris lost some points from me when he exclaimed that he...