Bachelor Recap Week Five: Where in the World is Chris Harrison?

You may have noticed that I missed a week between Week Three and Week Five. At my house, instead of watching the adventures in Singapore, I was running back and forth to the bathroom puking my guts up with some kind of 24 hour bug. Usually I’d make time to watch later in the week… but I just didn’t. Because Colton bores me. So I’m skipping Singapore and heading straight for Thailand.

I can’t help but think that Colton picked Thailand because it was the destination right after Becca sent him home last season and he’s bitter that he missed it the first time around. Demi kicks off the week by talking in the third person and announcing that Singapore was sexy, which was basically all I needed to know about the week that I missed. Colton rinses down in an outdoor shower, as one does naturally, and Sydney describes Thailand as “honeymoon prime time.”

The girls relish in their new luxury digs before getting interruped by a knock at the door. Chris Harrison’s flight from Singapore must have gotten delayed because he is nowhere to be seen, yet a lone date card rests on the front step.

Heather, let’s experience something new.

Heather AKA Never Been Kissed is on cloud nineteen. She spends extra time brushing her teeth in hopeful preparation for a smooch. She greets Colton with a whole new octave in her voice and is giddy when he announces they are going to explore the blue water in an authentic Thai boat. They sit close and marvel at the green greenery and blue water and studiously avoid eye contact. They pull the boat over in time to wander an outdoor market and eat shrimp by the ocean. The camera ominously zooms in on Colton’s lips several times and it’s really uncomfortable. Heather is hopeful that their first kiss will be natural, but at this rate I wouldn't count on it.

She reveals she’s been close to kissing someone a few times, but just hasn’t as she’s realized they aren’t the person for her. She says Colton is different, but doesn’t quite reveal why. Because it’s national TV? Because it’s Thailand? Because he’s ~famous~?

Meanwhile, it’s dinner time on this date and there isn’t a liplock in sight. Colton asks to hear more about Heather’s dating history. She met someone in college that she thought was her guy -- he checked all the boxes as far as qualities she was looking for. However, even after 8 months of dating!, it just didn’t click. Colton confesses her history concerns him because he doesn't want her building up this moment in her head. Even still, he picks up the date rose and thanks Heather for how seriously she is taking each step of this journey and hopes they can continue to have other first experiences together #foreshadowing.

Colton suggests a walk on the beach and Heather agrees even though she’s sinking in the sand in her fancy heels. They look at the water and the boats and comment on the rocks. The filming crew cringes before deciding to put this couple out of their misery and gives the signal for the ABC intern to light the fuse on the fireworks. Colton and Heather finally kiss and both declare it magical. Heather dreamily walks in the door back at the hotel, clutching her date rose and exclaiming over their date on a floating island!! PS - Aren’t all islands technically “floating”?

Elyse is crumbling and needs validation. She confides in Kirpa that she’s had a pit in her stomach watching girls come back from their dates. Kirpa nods sagely, but I’m immensely distracted by the bandage on her chin. Is she hiding a monstrous pimple? Did Demi elbow her in her sleep? I need to know. Elyse wants someone who will put work into a relationship with her and decides to curl her hair and don her “statement” dress to have a come-to-Jesus chat with Colton.

She seeks out Colton’s room and sits on his couch before spilling her guts. She is rapidly losing control of her emotions and her consonants -- I can barely decipher her “b”s and “m”s. Colton sits in stunned silence as Elyse rambles that she’s struggling more than she expected. She wants all of his time and attention and doesn't know how to compete. She can’t accept a proposal after a few weeks of sharing time and attention with other women. Elyse, I hear you. I couldn’t either, which is why I didn’t go on the Bachelor. Also because I like frozen pizza and it's clear that these women haven't scarfed down a Digiorno maybe ever. Colton is disappointed to see her go, but walks her out. Elyse continues to sob as she leaves, certain she’s made a mistake. No, Elyse, you’ve dodged a bullet. Run like the wind!

The next morning, Colton wakes and vlogs with his producer gifted go-pro. He is a mixed bag of emotions and says Elyse leaving has reignited his biggest fear of getting to the end of this to be told he’s not enough. Colton, get over yourself. It’s not you, it’s the show. Regardless of Colton’s misgivings, he has a group date to attend.

Nicole, Caelynn, Tayshia, Hannah B, Hannah G, Demi, Onyeka, Sydney, Kirpa, and one other girl that hasn't participated enough for me to remember her name, meet Colton in the jungle. Colton is looking for an adventurous bride and leads his ladies to meet their guide, Joe (not to be confused with Grocery Store Joe). This Joe was raised in this very jungle and is determined to teach this ragtag group how to thrive. Hannah B eats a slug in the name of love and Colton squeals and runs away when a snake pees on him, clearly the very picture of manliness and adventure.

Desparate to regain control, Jungle Joe announces a challenge. He splits the group into 3 teams and each team has 1 hour to locate food and water to bring back to their leader.

Demi, Hannah G, and Hannah B decide to work smarter, not harder. They hike back to civilization and snag a couple of margs and a bag of burgers from the local market.

Meanwhile, the other two groups are scavenging. Tayshia pulls Colton aside in her group under the guise of “finding water” to catch a couple of kisses in the jungle. Nicole notices the rendez-vous and is less than pleased.

Post jungle challenge, the group washes up and convenes at the cocktail party. Colton toasts to future adventures before Tayshia pulls him aside for a walk on the beach. Colton thanks her for making him feel special in the jungle today. Onyeka is anxious to speak with Colton because she has some info to share. Before Elyse left, she told Onyeka that Nicole mentioned she was here for the opportunity to leave Miami. Onyeka feels it’s her duty to tell Colton this information. Colton isn’t pleased to hear this and confronts Nicole. In tears, Nicole immediately denies the claim and seeks out Onyeka to ask why she’s spreading this information. Tayshia takes up for Nicole, saying she was literally there for this conversation and Nicole only mentioned people should take opportunities when they have them. Tayshia questions why Onyeka is spreading rumors. Onyeka vehemently denies this and says she’s only telling Colton what she was told. Um hi, that’s literally rumor.

Hannah B steers clear of drama, takes the plunge, and tells Colton she’s falling in love with him. Colton responds with a kiss and the date rose.

Cassie, I’m looking for love deeper than the sea.

Cassie is ecstatic to finally have a one-on-one date after five full weeks of group dating. On a scale from one to hot, she labels Colton as hot before climbing on a boat to spend the day at sea. Colton is certain they will have a great time and comments on how natural and easy their time together is. They snuggle close on the boat and make out before arriving at a private island. It’s literally a speck of land in the center of the sea and it’s theirs for the day. Well, theirs and the camera crew and the producers. But that doesn't stop them from humping in the ocean literally all day. If anything besides spit-swapping happened during the day, it apparently wasn’t as camera worthy as strategic camera angles of Colton and Cassie’s shed clothes on the sand.

In the evening, they lounge by a private pool and Colton says he’s been insanely attracted to her since the beginning. Cassie shares that she’s not a virgin and it’s something that’s hard for her to share since people have such strong opinions about dating relationships. She fears being so open in a public setting as there are people in her own community that might judge her for her previous dating choices. Colton says he would never ask her to be someone that she isn’t and states she is safe with him.

They move the date to Colton’s bed and snuggle under the covers. Cassie feels like she’s known Colton for ever and Colton says he’s crazy about her. At some point he gave Cassie the rose because it rests on his nightstand, but the cameras must have missed the moment in the wake of all the making out.

All too soon, it’s cocktail party time and, judging by the sweat (or glitter?) on Oneyka’s face, the heat is most definitely on in Thailand. The women don their fanciest gowns and pray that they don’t sweat through the silks. A distinct line of tension runs between Onyeka and Nicole. Kirpa, still sporting her chin bandage for reasons that are STILL unknown, says it’s getting hella awkward.

Tayshia takes Colton out to the beach for a miniuature lantern festival by the ocean. They light a paper lantern and make a wish together. It’s “painfully cute” according to the rest of the girls. Colton is clearly digging Queen T and her surprises!

Demi is relatively tame this week and presents Colton with “trust rings” while promising to always protect him.

Kirpa gives him an impromptu dental exam which doesnt appear sexy in the slightest.

Nicole sits down with Colton with a lot to say. She professes her innocence once again in the wake of Onyeka’s claims. She reiterates that she’s looking for something real and serious, not an Instagram husband. Colton appears to be ready to move on from the topic and put it in the past, but then Nicole makes her colossal mistake.

Instead of wrapping up this chapter in their relationship, Nicole states that she hates to stoop to this level, but that Oneyka has been bullying her. She doesn’t see how Colton could have a future with someone like her and wants him to know Oneyka’s true colors.

Colton is concerned with Nicole’s admission, and as usual, he goes straight to the source. Do these women not see a pattern? If you throw a woman under the bus, Colton will go lift that bus in order to talk directly to the woman about your accusations. Onyeka is in disbelief at Nicole’s lies and tells Colton so before confronting Nicole about her attempts to sabotage their relationship. Nicole says Onyeka is putting words in her mouth and their tiff escalates into full blown yelling.

Colton overhears the fiasco and leaves his one on one time with another woman to intervene. He sits down with Nicole and Onyeka and listens as they continue to attack each other, going around and around in circles.

I urge Colton to dump them both here and now and put us all out of our misery.

The other women listen uncomfortably from a short distance away. Even Demi acknowledges how awkward this is. Colton gets up from the trainwreck and walks away, shrugging off both Onyeka and Nicole’s attempts to follow him.

He declares that he is over all of this before To Be Continued flashes across the screen. Chris Harrison is still nowhere to be seen and I'm certain that his absence had something to do with the fact that we didn't get a dang rose ceremony this week!