A Very Lucky Girl

When we last paused Colton’s journey, he had leapt a fence into the Portuguese countryside. If Women Tell All hadn’t aired the following evening, where Colton made an appearance to face his exes, I might still think he was in Europe hiding out from ABC. Because ABC is determined to spin two hours of actual content into four hours of television, Chris Harrison welcomes the viewers to his live studio hostages audience. Before we are permitted to check on Colton’s emotional well-being immediately following Cassie’s exit, we must first watch a montage of the season to recap all the ladies who have come before. Finally, Harrison directs our attention to the screens in the studio to pick back up on the Portuguese pandemonium. Dark shadows and shaky camera work fills the TV and I fumble for the remote, wondering for moment if one of the dogs switched the channel to Live PD. Dogs are barking in one direction, while production literally whistles for Colton, who has literally disappea...

When we left last week in Vietnam, Colton was questioning everything. He was just told by 3 different women to be on the lookout for those that aren’t ready for marriage. Post rose ceremony, Colton continues to melt down over Go-Pro cam. He reiterates that he is experiencing his biggest fear and is truly having a WTF moment. With hometowns coming up, Colton is feeling the pressure to make the correct decisions moving forward. Luckily, the group is heading to Denver, Colorado (Colton’s hometown). The women are excited to be back in the USA and Colton is reunited with his dog, Sniper. He also has a reunion with fellow Denver Bachelor bro, Ben Higgins, at a bar where they sip on...water? Ben quotes Sheryl Sandberg and advises Colton to “lean in” to the relationships he has and be intentional about them. The women meander around the streets of Denver before meeting up with Colton and Sniper at a local park. Colton announces that there will be roses on every single date this week bef...

Time to get the third week of this party started! If you missed week two, catch up here ! Mornings at Bachelor mansion consist of sunbathing, journaling, coffee, and sending snide side-eye across the pool. The girls discuss how difficult this journey already is as they are all dating the same guy. Chris Harrison strolls in with a shirt that wardrobe has matched perfectly to his sky-blue eyes. Swoon. He announces the schedule of two group dates and a single one-on-one date before dropping the first date card on the coffee table like a mic. “Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn: I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure.” Caelynn and Hannah B. have some bad blood from their pageant history and aren’t looking forward to being on the same date. The chosen girls run onto the bus in their best Lululemon and Athleta gear before arriving at the Pirate’s Dinner Adventure in LA. Captain Colton is dressed in pirate gear and welcomes his wenches ...