A Very Lucky Girl

Christmas used to be my very favorite time of the year. I would start playing Christmas music in October (maybe late September), and begin my Christmas shopping as early as August. But this year is different. Christmas 2012 was the last time for "Cajun Night Before Christmas." The last time Oakes and I would watch movies together on Christmas eve and actually want to go to bed kind of early. The last time we would be antagonized about waiting to open presents and stockings. The last time for Chinese food after the candlelight Christmas eve service. The last time for holiday baking. If I had known Christmas 2012 was the last time I'd feel whole, I would have never wanted a new year.  And now Christmas just makes me sad and I kind of can't wait for it to be over. Part of what makes it so horrible is that me and my future holidays and celebrations were at the mercy of other people's decisions. I didn't choose this brokenness, I was told to think fast while it ...

I moved into room 35 Jordan Hall of Cate Center in Norman today. I packed up all of my belongings and stowed them in Carson, my Matrix, much to the dismay of Beignet. She pranced around the car this morning as I loaded last minute items, searching for a place to wedge herself. She wanted to come with me and I wanted her to come terribly.  Good riddance Thorn Ridge, hello Norman and Houston. My new homes.  I've never felt so at home in a dorm. For one, it's a single. No roommates, a space all to myself. And the best part of living in Jordan is the theme of the residence hall.  YES. IT'S FRIENDS. I inwardly screamed when I saw the familiar skyline and faces on the doors, the pivot sign in the stairwell, and a "how you doin'" in the lobby. I may have a third floor room in a creepy corner with a crappy view, but my Friends DVD collection and I have never felt so at home. A Very Lucky Girl belongs here. 

"Love keeps no record of wrongs." How appropriate.  If I seem bitter and callous, I am.  If I seem angered and hurt, I am.  If I seem frustrated and betrayed, I am.  Because people are keeping records of wrongs. Because instead of a spirit of future and forgiveness, my "family" is disintegrating based on justification and judgement.  "Let me see redemption win, Let me know the struggle ends,  That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn." A Very Lucky Girl is worn. And feeling more broken than lucky. 

Anyone who has seen me since Thursday night probably surmised that I've been celebrating 4/20 a week early this year. Not true. (I don't plan on celebrating it at all). It's been a miserable few days. It's hard to admit and see in myself that I'm lacking something when it comes to relationships. I'm better and quicker at scathing remarks than words and actions that build a person up.  It's a trend that could stem from any number of things from my past, but it's a trend I want to stop.  Self-help books aren't my favorite genre. I prefer a gripping novel, but I went on Amazon today and bought myself the first book that looked like it could help fix me.  So this is me right now ^^^ I don't want to waste anymore time being this unattached person because it's ruining relationships that I treasure. I'm anxiously awaiting the delivery of Loving People: How to Love and Be Loved  by Dr. John Townsend. I'm hoping it will be the best $7...

Delay isn't denial. It's often hard to accurately express what I'm feeling. I've been working at it. It's difficult to enunciate what I need from people. Something about putting musical notes to words makes them easier to understand and connect with.  Winter has come back again Feels like the season won't end My faith is dying tonight And I won't try to pretend I've got it all figured out That I don't have any doubts I've got a busted heart, I need You now. I'll show them I'm willing to fight And give them the best of my life So we can call this our home Lead me, cause I can't do this alone I got a front row seat To the longest wait And I just can't see Past the things I pray Today. I don't know, I don't know What tomorrow may hold But I know, but I know That You're holding it all So no matter what may come I'm gonna fix my eyes on all that You are 'Til every d...

Except I don't. I call this photograph: Sunlight reflecting off of the emptiness. Deep, right? Check out that echoing mailbox. You know what I found in there yesterday? A flyer. The day before that? An advertisement. Not one single letter. I pinky promise I will write you back when Shari sends me stamps (Got that, mom? Send some stamps, please. In a stamped envelope. #stampception)! And don't be fooled by the size of the slot; packages still get to me by way of the campus post office. Feel free to send me hugs in a box. Or Swedish fish. I'm flexible, really.  Taylor Arceneaux 316 Cate Center Drive Box #4949 Norman, OK 73072  Real life: Any sort of mail would make A Very Lucky Girl's day.