A Very Lucky Girl

ABC is evidently tired of hearing me whine about the Night 1 routine so they threw us a welcome curve-ball this season! Instead of hosting dumb live watch parties across the country or dragging out 17 promos of each contestant, we actually get a rose ceremony and the first 2.5 dates of this journey. My personal journey with the Bachelor franchise began during Jake Pavelka’s “On the Wings of Love” catastrophe, so please excuse any lingering bitterness from that traumatic experience. But Pilot Pete is not Jake the Snake, so please prepare for take-off!  Peter appears recovered from his Hannah B heartbreak and is the only available male from Hannah’s season that isn’t already dating Gigi Hadid (Hi, Tyler C.) or detoxing from Bachelor in Paradise. Promo footage begins with strategic, shirtless shots and cheesy flying innuendo as our premiering pilot fondles planes. ABC hired an intern specifically to watch Top Gun on repeat and then hit nearest Goodwill for Peter’s wardrobe (do...

When we left last week in Vietnam, Colton was questioning everything. He was just told by 3 different women to be on the lookout for those that aren’t ready for marriage. Post rose ceremony, Colton continues to melt down over Go-Pro cam. He reiterates that he is experiencing his biggest fear and is truly having a WTF moment. With hometowns coming up, Colton is feeling the pressure to make the correct decisions moving forward. Luckily, the group is heading to Denver, Colorado (Colton’s hometown). The women are excited to be back in the USA and Colton is reunited with his dog, Sniper. He also has a reunion with fellow Denver Bachelor bro, Ben Higgins, at a bar where they sip on...water? Ben quotes Sheryl Sandberg and advises Colton to “lean in” to the relationships he has and be intentional about them. The women meander around the streets of Denver before meeting up with Colton and Sniper at a local park. Colton announces that there will be roses on every single date this week bef...

You may have noticed that I missed a week between Week Three and Week Five. At my house, instead of watching the adventures in Singapore, I was running back and forth to the bathroom puking my guts up with some kind of 24 hour bug. Usually I’d make time to watch later in the week… but I just didn’t. Because Colton bores me. So I’m skipping Singapore and heading straight for Thailand. I can’t help but think that Colton picked Thailand because it was the destination right after Becca sent him home last season and he’s bitter that he missed it the first time around. Demi kicks off the week by talking in the third person and announcing that Singapore was sexy, which was basically all I needed to know about the week that I missed. Colton rinses down in an outdoor shower, as one does naturally, and Sydney describes Thailand as “honeymoon prime time.” The girls relish in their new luxury digs before getting interruped by a knock at the door. Chris Harrison’s flight from Singapo...