A Very Lucky Girl

We’ve been trapped on Alabama Hannah’s roller coaster of a season for weeks on end, but the denouement is in sight. Just a couple more stomach-dropping plunges and loops stand in the way of us and Bachelor in Paradise! Dapper Chris Harrison welcomes his audience back to the studio. Despite working overtime this week, Harrison is impeccably dressed as usual. He wastes no time alluding to the lies, betrayal, and even a cringe worthy proposal we are about to view.  Footage of Engagement Day in Greece graces the big-screens. Hannah lounges in bed with her coffee and her Bible. She has no doubt that both Jed and Tyler have seen the good and bad parts of her. She ponders her growth and the validation she no longer requires. She doesn’t need a man, but she wants one to experience all of life with.  Hannah primps in the mirror and pretends to curl her own hair -- though we all know her styling team was waiting just outside the camera angle. Tyler gazes at the ocean and...

Welcome to Part I of the two night finale Bachelorette event. Grab a bottle of wine (you’ll need the entire thing, promise!) and your nearest couch cushion for second hand embarrassment hiding purposes.  Chris Harrison welcomes his live studio audience to LA and reminds us that three men have been waiting for a rose ceremony for three weeks. Now that Luke finally boarded his flight home, it’s safe to resume where we left off in Crete, Greece.  Unfortunately for us, Jed is still wearing his excrement-colored suit and Hannah sports her 80s bun planted firmly on the top of her head with two chunks of hair hanging down by her highlighted cheeks. The dress isn’t doing anyone any favors either, even with Hannah’s rocking bod. Wardrobe concerns aside, let’s get down to business.  Before she even picks up a bud, Hannah chokes up. She has three amazing men standing in front of her and she feels so lucky to be so loved by them all. This is a difficult decision for ...

When we last paused Colton’s journey, he had leapt a fence into the Portuguese countryside. If Women Tell All hadn’t aired the following evening, where Colton made an appearance to face his exes, I might still think he was in Europe hiding out from ABC. Because ABC is determined to spin two hours of actual content into four hours of television, Chris Harrison welcomes the viewers to his live studio hostages audience. Before we are permitted to check on Colton’s emotional well-being immediately following Cassie’s exit, we must first watch a montage of the season to recap all the ladies who have come before. Finally, Harrison directs our attention to the screens in the studio to pick back up on the Portuguese pandemonium. Dark shadows and shaky camera work fills the TV and I fumble for the remote, wondering for moment if one of the dogs switched the channel to Live PD. Dogs are barking in one direction, while production literally whistles for Colton, who has literally disappea...