A Very Lucky Girl

Welcome to the week of the show where the men tell all they can contractually reveal. Which usually isn't much. I was thoroughly confused considering Men Tell All is typically sandwiched after fantasy suites and in between the finale. The reunion of Des and her second runner up guy is made 10x awkwarder since they've seen each other naked. Unfortunately, due to extreme drama next week, we didn't get the uncomfortable scenario this season. Harrison introduces himself like I don't know his first and last name and his relationship history like the back of my hand. Want to know a secret? It's probably one of my top five dreams to have Harrison and the Bachelor/ette of the season to crash my watch party. Except instead of houses full of 40+ people, my Monday nights consist of me, my couch, my dog, and my computer. Des might not like witnessing my snarky note-taking.  To prep for the big MTA event, Des sits down with previous bachelorettes (Emily, Ashley, and Ali) to ...

The guys unwind from their long flight in an abundance of muted toned hoodies on a subway in Munich, Germany. Ben shares one of his many ulterior motive for applying for this show in his confession of never crossing the ocean before. He's checking two boxes off of his bucket list at once: travel, be a  jackass, and wear a womanly tank top. Oh wait, that's three! He's a go-getter.  Chris Harrison welcomes the gang, sharing Des' excitement for her first time in Europe to be with such great guys, and announces the dates for the week. The guys feel their plane food trying to make a second showing as they hear about the dreaded two-on-one date in store this week.  Chris heartlessly plants seeds of false hope by proclaiming, "see you all at the next rose ceremony!" Such a rose tease. At least one man will not be there to witness Des' sparkly dress choice of the week. Date One: "Chris, *insert words in German*..." The couple wanders the streets and...

Chris Harrison announces to the room of guys that there are 13 men remaining, for those of them who can't count themselves. Decked out in yellow and blue plaid, Harrison proclaims the first stop in the Bachelorette World Tour to be Atlantic City. Although I think Atlantic City was brought to Cali based on the amount of GTL evident this season (Gel, Tan, Long stories). Des arrives in Jersey before her dates and gets hit on by some random PoPo on the boardwalk interspersed with some travel shots of the gentlemen on parade. It's like following a fraternity house on constant camera. After settling into their sweet new pad on floor 43, the guys receive Date Card #1: "Brad, let our love shine through..." *spoiler alert* The light didn't make it. Don't you hate it when your dates don't measure up to your metaphors? As you recall from last week, Brad is the one who may or may not have been convicted of domestic abuse in the past. The couple heads to the Atlanti...

Now that I've started working this summer, I look forward to Monday Bachelorette nights even more. This one did not disappoint. Date Card One: "Chris, Ryan, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zak, Ben...love is a battlefield." Des met her men in a clashing neon outfit of orange tank top and hot pink sweatshirt and invited them into a garage. A team of professional dodgeball players greeted them and taught them the tricks of the trade. I played dodgeball in P.E. in sixth grade. I could probably teach them a few things. But these pros were intense and were here for the right reasons. One of Des' men monologued, "it's all fun and games until the ambulance arrives and someone has a broken face." And here, class, we have a prime example of foreshadowing by the ABC production team. Chris Harrison interrupted the dodgeball practice to introduce a "winner-takes-all" match and randomly split the guys into a red team and a blue team. The ...

Chris Harrison rallied the troops, asked about the 10 star accommodations, and announced Des would be by later in the morning to pick up her first one-on-one date. He then took unnecessary time to explain how the process works before leaving the first date card: "Brooks, I'm waiting for a sign..." He was "so pumped" to hang out with this "ball of mystery." Des=ball of mystery, I'm guessing. Back at the bachelorette mansion Des spent her morning casually drawing and applying lipgloss. She drove up to the bachelor mansion in her signature BlueBentley and doled out hugs to everyone before waving goodbye as she left with Brooks...and I half expected her to hit a potted plant on the way out the drive They romantically yelled at each other as they speed down the highway because stuff like wind doesn't really exist on the bachelorette. Des took Brooks to a wedding dress store because that's a totally casual and not a psycho-crazy first...

The Girl: Desiree Hartsock's season of the Bachelorette began last night and I had the privilege of watching her meet the 25 guys with Susan and Megan and gummy worms. What more can a girl ask for to kick off a journey of roses? A bottle of wine? Next week. Des took a tour of the Malibu bachelorette pad, a strong contrast to the tent she grew up in. 60 seconds into the show and she already had tears running down her face in a monologue. She cries about the Sean break up, but yet she's ready to love again? That's totally the healthy emotional response of a girl who's over her ex. Chris Harrison handed over the keys to a baby blue convertible that she slowly drove to the beach to avoid mussing her brunette locks. Once sandside, Des rollerbladed on the boardwalk and chased seagulls in between casual outfit changes while Andy Grammer's "Crazy Beautiful" played in the background. Go buy his song; I haven't regretted it yet. Worn out from holding her ...