Pilot Pete Bachelor Recap Week 1: The Dime Fifty Buttery Biscuit

ABC is evidently tired of hearing me whine about the Night 1 routine so they threw us a welcome curve-ball this season! Instead of hosting dumb live watch parties across the country or dragging out 17 promos of each contestant, we actually get a rose ceremony and the first 2.5 dates of this journey. My personal journey with the Bachelor franchise began during Jake Pavelka’s “On the Wings of Love” catastrophe, so please excuse any lingering bitterness from that traumatic experience. But Pilot Pete is not Jake the Snake, so please prepare for take-off! 

Peter appears recovered from his Hannah B heartbreak and is the only available male from Hannah’s season that isn’t already dating Gigi Hadid (Hi, Tyler C.) or detoxing from Bachelor in Paradise. Promo footage begins with strategic, shirtless shots and cheesy flying innuendo as our premiering pilot fondles planes. ABC hired an intern specifically to watch Top Gun on repeat and then hit nearest Goodwill for Peter’s wardrobe (down to the sunglasses), before he slides into the cockpit of a little two-seater plane and takes off into the sunset. 

He spends time with his family and recaps his failed relationship with Hannah. He was in love 100%. His mom was heartbroken for him when he came home, but they all chant a little Spanish ditty that loosely translated means everything happens for a reason. Peter wants the marriage that his parents have -- dancing in the kitchen and eating top-notch Cuban food every night. 

Chris Harrison makes his first dapper appearance and Peter calls shotgun as Harrison navigates the streets of Los Angeles in a nondescript SUV. Peter’s dream girl is kind, sweet, and has a genuine connection. One wardrobe and locale change later and Peter is strolling the LAX concourse in his pilot’s uniform and trusty carry-on. He pauses for photo ops before walking purposefully down a jet-bridge. He’s ready for take off - and this time, he’s in the driver’s seat. 

Production meets Peter’s first potential co-pilot in Chicago. Alexa is a 27 year old esthetician and owns her own business. She waxes EVERYTHING on anyone and makes that abundantly clear by asking a friend to pose for a Brazilian wax in her promo. That’s a ride or die kind of friend right there. 

Hannah Ann is from Knoxville, Tennessee and first started modeling at the age of 16. She is super close with her family, but calls her father “Daddio.”  Hello, red flag. Said Daddio talks about Peter like he already knows him and the entire family gives a toast to this complete stranger that they’ve never met. 

Tammy in Syracuse is a real estate agent, flips houses, and drops grown men to the floor on the wrestling mat in her spare time. She’s looking forward to meeting Peter because he probably has oodles of airline miles and she’s a jetsetter. #MatchMadeinHeaven

Victoria P, 27, is a nurse. She is a natural caregiver and attributes this quality to needing to step in for her sister when her father passed away and her mother battled addiction. Her mom is sober now and bakes cookies with them in the kitchen as they daydream about Victoria’s potential future husband. 

Kelley, 27, works as an attorney with nearly her entire family. She has a slight edge over all other Peter pursuants as she bumped into him a month ago in a hotel lobby in LA. He was leaving his 10-year high school reunion and she was at a friend’s wedding. Running into Peter cemented Kelley’s decision to actually commit to the show. 

Madison is from Auburn, Alabama and since she’s 23 she still flexes about all four of her high school state championship basketball rings. She likes to be challenged and to challenge others AKA watch for the drama from this one. 

Peter is preps and primps for his driveway debut which is sparkling with the dew from Chris Harrison’s favorite garden hose. Limos are en route to Bachelor Mansion, filled to the brim with bottles of champagne and giggling gals. One girl gasps, “is this real life?” 

No, no it is not. Let the producer games begin!

Alayah from San Antonio gets the first limo exit. She’s a 24 year-old orthodontic assistant and her family is number one in her life. Supposedly, her Grandma Rose even wrote Peter a letter. They bond over the fact that they BOTH have grandmothers named Rose (curiouser and curiouser…) and Peter slips the missive into his pocket for later. 

Sydney from Alabama wants to make sure Peter knows that not every girl from Alabama makes bad decisions. Shots have been fired. 

Lauren is taking NAMES in her black lace jumpsuit. 

Victoria P is nervous and does happy dances with her niece to work the nerves out. She tries it with Peter. I don’t know about their nerves, but mine increased during this performance. 

Mykenna from Canada is 22 and has been dreaming of meeting a guy like Peter her ENTIRE LIFE. *eye roll*

Eunice the flight attendant shows up with angel wings on her back. She figured everyone would have really creative entrances and she decided she would just “wing it.” Either Peter isn’t a pun fan, or he didn’t understand, because he didn’t appear impressed. Eunice tells the camera she is definitely here for the “flight reasons.” Honestly mad Eunice went home just because of the missed pun possibilities. 

Madison, former high school basketball star, arrives in a giant paper airplane. 

Tammy brings a TSA wand and references the “large package in front of the mansion” as she waves the device around Peter’s torso. 

Shiann hands Peter a barf bag in preparation for the nauseating introductions and conversations he is sure to have tonight. I wish she brought me one too. 

Courtney rolls in on a dinky airplane on wheels, clearly built for children. She’s here for the mile high club. 

Another intern pushes a luggage cart into place in front of Peter and someone starts calling to him from inside a suitcase. He cautiously unzips the lid to find Kiarra, a nanny from Georgia, who has clearly missed her calling as a contortionist. 

Lexi veers into the Bachelor mansion driveway in a cherry red Corvette. She likes to go fast and hears Peter does too. 

Deandra from Texas sees Eunice’s angel wings and raises her one windmill. She struts in with windmill sails on her back demanding to know if Peter is ready for round 5. In case you haven’t heard or blessedly forgot, Peter and Hannah were horizontal in the Grecian windmill 4x during their fantasy suite. 

Payton has also heard about the windmill and exclaims “four times!? FOUR times?!” as her first greeting to her possible future husband. Promising. 

Jasmine doesn’t use English, but her content is the same: “I heard you did it four times in a windmill.” 

Kylie comes bearing gifts! An entire package of condoms likely swiped from Peter’s car console. 

Katrina announces that Peter will “fall in love with my hairless pussy...cat” before whipping out a framed photo of said pet. You guys, I CANNOT with the dirty, cringy one-liners. I was stress-eating pretzels and leftover candy canes. 

Victoria F from Virginia Beach admits she has a very dry sense of humor, but that’s about the only thing that’s dry right now. I KID YOU NOT. She cannot even deliver the line without collapsing into embarrassed laughter and I clutch the remote in agony. 

Jenna brought along Ashley P, her emotional support cow, and hands the reins to Peter to calm his nerves. She tells the girls inside that it was a joke, but it definitely did not land with our pilot. 

Savannah whips out a blindfold so that Peter can focus on his sense of touch as she slides her hands up to his shoulders and takes the first kiss of the night. 

Kelley unfurls herself from the limo and Peter exclaims, “you look familiar! I was wondering if you would stop by.” The last time they saw each other they were dancing in an LA hotel lobby, so they pick up where they left off with a music-less number on the doorstep of Bachelor Mansion. 

Hannah B steps out of the final limo while the rest of the women lose their damn minds and Peter’s jaw drops to the slick driveway. He asks what she’s doing here and she admires his suit, admitting she had mixed emotions when she heard he was going to be the Bachelor. Ultimately, she is here to give him back the wings that he gave to her on Night 1. She affirms that he will do great and makes her exit. 

Peter walks into the living room, sans Hannah, and the crowd of tipsy women goes wild. 

Alayah and Peter sit in a quiet corner to read Grandma Rose’s letter to Peter. Grandma Rose describes her granddaughter as a romantic lover of books, and admonishes Peter to be on his very best behavior. Peter eats it up; I question the existence of this “Grandma Rose.” 

The camera catches the drunkest conversation between two women on a couch. As they wait for time with the popular pilot, they admire Peter. They alternate between calling him a buttery flaky biscuit they must risk it for and also a dime fifty. So like a whole 60 cents. 

Madison and Peter fly oversized paper airplanes in the driveway. She is over the moon that he is the Bachelor and had all ten of her fingers crossed for this moment. She gushes that all of her heartbreaks and losses of the past have been worth it. Keep in mind, Madison is 23 years old. 

Chris Harrison suavely delivers the first impression rose to the coffee table. The innocent bud rests on a quartz platter while the pressure intensifies in the Instant Pot that is Bachelor Mansion. 

Hannah Ann from Knoxville cozies up with Peter and they take turns bragging about their parents’ rock solid marriages. She and her father painted the Smoky Mountains for Peter and she gifts the paint-by-number canvas to him. The project earns Hannah Ann a kiss and a nickname: Lucky Charm? I must have missed the context. 

Meanwhile, Tammy places Peter under kinky handcuff arrest by the fireplace and continues her pat down routine from the porch. She whips a condom out of his pocket, scolds him, and then plants a kiss on his unsuspecting (also trapped!) mouth. 

Natasha is unimpressed by these antics. She believes being a reserved lady is mysterious and tells Peter that she’s an open book, but it takes time. I compare Natasha to a hot commodity Kindle library book that’s on hold on your Overdrive app for WEEKS before you get your hands on it. However, it comes available at the same time as several other must reads so it gets shoved to the back of the line. I was honestly surprised she made it past night one. 

Mykenna subtly butts into Natasha’s conversation with Madison’s discarded mega paper airplane, flying it directly into the couple. She’d like to steal him for a second. Natasha refuses and Peter asks her to wait just a minute. Mykenna’s turn finally comes and Natasha stands approximately six feet away, sipping tea, and loudly spouting “tick, tock!”

Hannah Ann isn’t here to sit on a couch and drink wine; she’s here to find her future husband and is determined to talk to Peter once again, cutting off Deandra in the process. Deandra is outraged - why would she double-touch what she already touched?! Apparently, this is first grade recess tag and Peter is IT. Hannah goes for the triple-touch and interrupts Shiann so that she can end her night with Peter with a kiss. Shiann is upset and asks to speak with Hannah Ann, yet fails to deliver her point and Hannah Ann is unapologetic about her choice. 

Dry sense of humor Victoria F. pops back into our lives and wants to rehash her introduction with Peter, much to my horror. Peter assures her she did just fine and then asks her to remind him what the line was, to my FURTHER horror. Thus, we are subjected once again to the miserable one-liner. This was the extent of their televised conversation and Victoria F cries in a corner because she can’t believe it’s all she said. I can’t either. A concerned fellow contestant offers her a towel. I GLADLY refrain from making the obvious joke here. 

Victoria P. is not comfortable with this “may I steal you” dance and offers a consolation “I like your dress!” to Victoria F. as she departs to sob. Victoria P is really looking forward to getting to know Peter and is excited about the prospect of receiving a rose. Somehow no one has ever given this girl flowers before! 

Peter catches up with Kelley on the front stoop; he hasn’t stopped thinking about her since they met in that LA lobby and is baffled as to how she is still on the market. She seems real, normal, and has a legitimate career -- how refreshing! 

Finally, Peter grabs the first impression rose from its perch in the living room and hunts for its recipient: Hannah Ann. For those keeping score, this is her 4th conversation with Peter this evening. He appreciates her tenacity and her mediocre painting skills. 

Harrison takes his cue and tinktinktinks everyone to attention. A collective draining of wineglasses ensues as he announces the rose ceremony. 

As the ladies get into formation, the sun is rising, roses are wilting, and hard-working sticky tape is about to give up. Roses go to: 

Victoria P

Madison

Kelley

Lexie

Savannah

Lauren

Tammy

Alayah

Sydney

Jasmine

Natasha

Mykenna

Deandra

Sarah

Alexa

Kelsey

Payton

Kiarra

Courtney

Shiann

Victoria F

The rose-less ladies take a moment to say their goodbyes to their new best friends that they met 12 hours ago before scooping up travel size bottles of Advil for their hangovers and crying in the driveway about missing out on Peter. Literally, you just met; you all need to calm down. 

With the first rose ceremony under his belt, Peter unwinds at - where else? - the local airfield. After hosing down an airplane shirtless at the insistence of the filming crew, Peter takes off into the wild blue yonder, bound for Bachelor Mansion. 

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison delivers the first date card to the waiting women. “Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P, Jasmine, Victoria F - look up!”

The sound of propellers pulls the group outside to wave at the speck in the sky that is Peter. He returns the useless gesture before zooming off to meet his group date at the airfield. They arrive in a lesser form of transportation: the field trip van. 

Peter announces that the group will be attending flight school today. First on the agenda is math class, where the women are quizzed on various word problems, before moving on to pilot terminology. The next lesson is turbulence and each lady is required to strap into a device that mimics EXTREME motion. 

Victoria P pales. She succumbs easily to motion sickness and reflects on the Tea Cup ride at Disney to really drive the point home. The production team relishes the opportunity to dramatize this as they did the bumper cars for Annaliese in Arie’s season. The girl is straight terrified, but saddles up because “pain is temporary, but Peter is potentially forever.” She survives, but jets to the restroom immediately thereafter to lose her breakfast. Peter tenderly hands her a cold water bottle through the industrial door. 

The final flight school lesson today is an obstacle course and whoever wins gets to be Peter’s co-pilot on sunset flight down the California coastline. The competition is fierce, but Kelley and Tammy are neck and neck at the end. Kelley takes a shortcut to the finish line, but Peter does not seem to mind. He scoops her up and they take off into the sunset, much to the dismay of the rest of the grounded group. 

The cocktail portion of the evening takes place in the exact hotel that Kelley and Peter met -- a fact that she’s keeping close to her chest in light of her current predicament. Victoria P trades her contacts for glasses and confesses to Peter that no one has ever been the one taking care of her before like he did after she vommed today. Peter asks her to hold that thought and takes a moment to rip out flowers from the foliage around the hotel (I imagine ABC received a large gardening bill for the loss) in order to present her with a bouquet since she’s never received flowers before. His destruction of private property earns a kiss. 

Kelley isn’t quite content with her sky-high private plane time and interrupts Peter and Shiann, further solidifying Kelley’s status as a house target. Regardless, Kelley and Peter reminisce on their chance meeting in this very lobby only a month ago before making out on the bar top. To no one’s surprise, Kelley receives the date rose and several stony stares. 

Ding Dong Date Card: “Madison, I want to show you what forever looks like.”

Peter drives Madison down the highway before arriving at his parents’ home for their vow renewal. If that was my first date with a guy I think I would have called an Uber and called it a day, but Hannah is a trooper. The Webers recommit their lives to one another after 31 year together already before diving in the ABC-sponsored after party filled with cake and toasts. Madison obviously catches the bouquet tossed by Peter’s mother. 

At dinner, Peter and Madison chit chat about their magical families and Madison is clearly catching feelings. She is already reluctant to share him and bemoans the fact that it will only get worse from here. Peter encourages her to focus on them, before offering her the date rose and a private concert with the infamous Tenille Arts. Peter’s family crashes the concert and they all dance the night away. 

Madison is growing on me; it helped that she didn’t mention her high school basketball prowess one time during the date. 

“Lauren, Sydney, Natasha, Alexa, Katie, Kelsey, Mykenna, Alyah, Savannah - I hope this isn’t awkward.”

Peter meets his dates in downtown LA and announces that today will be a surprise for them all. He (aka ABC) has asked a friend of his to plan to this date so he has no idea what’s in store. This friend turns out to be none other than Hannah Brown and that’s not even the most uncomfortable revelation of the day. Hannah begins by telling a story about a guy she once dated which ends up being about Peter and his quadruple windmill moves. She instructs the group that today they will each share a personal story about sex in front of a live audience and sends the girls off to brainstorm.

Hannah takes a breather in a dressing room, where Peter coincidentally finds her crying into a couch pillow with pools of mascara gathering under her eyes. She insists she is happy for him, but her feelings are a lot. Peter admits that a small part of him wanted Hannah to stay and join the group at the mansion when she showed up on night 1, but he also wants to know why Hannah didn’t ask HIM for a date at After the Final Rose. He doesn’t want to be anyone’s third choice, but Peter still asks what Hannah would say if he asked her to come be a part of this house now. Hannah eloquently responds “um, maybe, oh my gosh.” She questions her decision to send him home all of the time and asserts she broke everyone’s heart, including her own, during her Bachelorette experience. 

To sum up: Peter is confused, Hannah is confused and crying and desparately needs a make-up wipe, and somewhere in a dance studio Alan Berstein is wondering where his Dancing with the Stars partner is. And of course, this is where we leave off until next Monday! 

I’m rooting for Hannah to have some pride FOR THE LOVE OF GOD and sincerely hope that ABC is writing her a big fat check for producing mascara leakage of that magnitude. Kelley is an early favorite for me when it comes to Peter’s picks -- who do you have your eye on!?