An Affair of the Hartsock: Episode Six

This, ladies & gentlemen, is the CliffsNotes version of a Bachelorette recap. I watched on Hulu this morning because when the show aired on my 21st birthday I was just taking my first shot of the night. There were several more. Which means I couldn't focus on this trainwreck of a week in Barcelona, Spain

Des is in love with Spain. It is the "perfect place to fall in love." Just like Germany before. And Atlantic City before that.

The guys sit at school desks, toasting to hoodies and free plane rides, while Chris Harrison announces the week plan. There will again be no cocktail party so the men are instructed to use their time wisely with Des. 

Date Card Number One: Drew

His dimples kill me. I could eat icing out of them with a baby spoon. SO PRESH. He starts off the date with their first kiss. Just to get that pesky thing outta the way. Raindrops fall, but never fear, Drew whips out his plaid umbrella to shelter dear Des. They share good conversation and half of a private dinner in a courtyard. Midway through acting like they're eating, Drew grabs Des' hand and runs out. The camera crew struggled to keep up, but found them making out (Arie style) against a Spanish wall. The romanticism is off the charts with cameras in your face for that. Drew gets a rose for his kissing skills and proceeds to drop the bomb about James' appalling conversation last week. Des is furious. I believe her exact words were bleepity bleep. Her precise enunciation left no question as to her exact vocabulary.

 

Group Date Card:Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, and Juan Pablo...Loooooooove"

With soccer balls inside of the O's. Spain really is bringing out Des' creative side. Did she get that from Pinterest?

Michael should have been banished for his athletic get up alone. Des shows up in her classic neon, wearing what Brooks describes as work out lingerie. The group goes skipping into the soccer stadium where Juan Pablo feels at home. Des goes against the guys with a professional girls team. Kasey is an absolute pig and laughs at the girls who show up on the field behind Des. LIKE EXCUSE YOU. WOMEN CAN PLAY SOCCER DON'T MAKE ME GO ALL FEMINIST ON YOUR ASS BECAUSE I WILL. 

James is the suckiest goalie I've ever witnessed. He flinched everytime the ball came near. I can relate. The girls won by several goals. It was a victory for females everywhere. 

The guys attend Des' Spanish pad for after game drinks. She and Chris lounge on her bed, exchanging flirty comments and kisses and poetry. TeamChrisNotHarrison4Ever.

Kasey approaches James about the controversial conversation that he and Drew overheard. James denies, denies, denies. His constant yelling only perpetuated my headache so I tuned out. 

Zak's one on one date was probably the most boring Bachelorette date I've ever seen. It almost put me to sleep. For whatever reason, she enjoyed it and he gets a rose. 

Fast forward to the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo, James, and Kasey are asked to Sayonara. 

UM WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENS NEXT WEEK? I SAW LIKE ALL OF THE GUYS LEAVING IN A LIMO. And way too many Des tears. 

PS-Juan Pablo. Never stop crying. You can pull it off. 

Peace out, Bachelor fam. A Very Lucky Girl needs a nap STAT.