Bachelor Recap Week Eight: Abbreviated

Fair warning: It's looking like a short recap week. I wrote five mini papers this weekend in order to make time for the two mega papers I have due in the next three weeks. So I'm nearly out of words. Plus, Tierra, her wonky eyebrow, and her sparkle are long departed. And Sarah, like her left forearm, is nowhere to be found. So what else is there to write for? NOTHING, I TELL YOU. Not to mention, hometown week is way too emotional to really make snarky comments about. But believe me, I tried.

Houston, Texas is Sean's first stop to meet AshLee's parents. She brings her ugly, yappy dog named Bailey on a picnic and Sean is chauffeured to the site by a gas-guzzling SUV. AshLee and Sean bond over their pastor-kid status and then make out with extra tongue to really seal the irony.

And then AshLee says the words that will likely send her home in the next few weeks: "Sean is gonna be the man to protect my heart." Wrong, please try Kasey from Ali’s season. He got it tattooed so you know it's real. Also, how many times can this girl say trust in any given solo interview? Trust, trust, trust. Seriously, it’s hardly even a real word anymore.

After some artsy shots of Houston, the SUV pulls into AshLee’s 3 car garage driveway and Sean carries a bouquet of flowers in his sweaty palms for Deborah, AshLee's mother.

AshLee’s dad wanted to hear about the past few weeks and the couple works hard to edit out the abundance of other girls that were on some of these dates...

AshLee talks about the polar bear plunge, starts to cry, and then informs her pastor father “that there was a lot of romance in St. Croix. We rolled around in the sand." 

Deborah takes Sean to talk over a nice refreshing glass of water about adoption. Of course. And then AshLee's dad takes a turn with Sean. In case you haven't heard, AshLee is adopted. 

Everyone rejoins the phony picnic table in the backyard and screw this part because it’s emotional and I teared up and we’re skipping it

AshLee kisses Sean goodbye in the driveway with an “I love you” and he responds “you're the best." Oh. 

Seattle, Washington greets Catherine and Sean with a sunny forecast. ABC did their homework for this hometown date because it's never sunny in Seattle. But it is sleepless. Take your time...I'll wait for you to get that one.

The couple stop by a fish market and take turns catching a flying fish. For fun. Guess there’s not much to do in Seattle. They take photo booth pictures. They stick their germ infested gum onto a wall full of other germ infested gum wads. Can't you feel the romance through the screen? 

Dumb date ideas aside, Catherine and Sean are adorable. I can’t even handle them. Too cha-cha for words (Steel Magnolia’s reference. Broaden your movie horizons).

Seattle apparently has better flower vendors than Houston as Catherine's mother receives a noticeably fuller bouquet. Sean interacts with the family and finds it odd that all of Catherine's family members are so wary of the prospect of Sean and Catherine actually ending up together at the finale. I don't blame them; the women in Catherine's life seem to be the most rational of any I've seen on this show. 

I'm going to be honest. I've never really liked wedding dress Lindsay and I had zero desire to watch her hometown date. So I fast forwarded and will write about what I wish had happened. Lindsay shows up again in a wedding dress (not the same one because you can't repeat an outfit with that kind of a statement) and her army dad; Sean takes one glance and trots away to Des's house as fast as his TOMS can carry him. 

Des. Okay, its 12:42 AM and I just do not have the stamina. Plus, Sean hasn't taken off his shirt for the entire episode. Life's not fair. From what I gathered, Des tries to play a joke on Sean by having a friend come to her door and pretend to be an ex boyfriend. Remember when Sean pulled this "I still live with my parents prank" on Emily Maynard's season and it ended up not working? Why is there not a Bachelor/ette contestant etiquette book filled with history so it won't repeat itself?! Des's brother also doesn't hesitate to express his distaste for "playboy" Sean. I don't hesitate to express my distaste for bro's upper body tattoos. Unfortunately, as expected, Desiree is sent home to commiserate about 4th place with Chris Bukowski. 

The three women heading to the fantasy suites in Thailand are AshLee, Lindsay, and Catherine. A Very Lucky Girl is relieved to see a glimmer of the end of Bachelor Season 17 on the horizon.