The Beccachelorette Week 1: Let's Do The Damn Thing

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It feels like yesterday that I was screaming obscenities at the TV as Arie broke Becca's heart on national television, but here we are. The ABC psychiatrist has deemed her ready to do the damn thing. I remembered to set my DVR 17 minutes into the episode so I missed the Arie recap (PTL) and the former bachelorettes exorcising the bad blood from house. Sounds like I didn't miss all that much. 

I struggle to decide how to recap the first episode as there really isn't a plot line to follow. We always get introductions, we always get limo exits, and then we watch the men steal time from each other. Becca strolls onto the freshly watered driveway in time for dapper as ever Chris Harrison to welcome her to the mansion of her nightmares. Time to meet her men!

Clay
He is a professional football player and is in his 9th year in the NFL. He's told he's a big sweetheart and loves his family. He's here for Becca and metro-sexual coats with popped collars. He introduces himself to Becca by stating he's caught a lot of passes in his day, but she'd be his biggest catch yet. It sounds like he rehearsed it quite a bit in the limo, but coupled with his arts and crafts clay project, he receives a rose. 

Garrett
He's a medical sales rep from Reno, Nevada. He also thinks he's really funny. He enjoys fishing, hiking, snowshoeing, paddle-boarding, and snowboarding. He rolls up in a minivan filled with soccer balls, diapers, and a car seat to show her he's ready to be a husband and father. He teaches her how to fly fish in the Bachelor pool and snags the first impression rose AND the first liplock of the season. 

Jordan
This 26-year old professional model is branded the "pensive gentleman." He claims the power is in his brows and gym, tan, salt spray is his routine. He is here because he feels that he is missing out on sharing himself with someone else and worries that if he is sent home it just won't be fair to Becca. He spent 6 hours selecting his attire and spends most of the evening critiquing everyone's fashion selections. Lucky for Becca, Jordan thinks she looks like a tall glass of champagne in her white beaded dress. Jordan receives a rose. 

Lincoln
He is originally from Nigeria and first met Becca on After the Final Rose. His mom said it was time to get married so off to the mansion he went. He gifts Becca with a Nigerian bracelet that indicates she is part of the family. He receives a rose. 

Joe
Joe hails from Chicago and owns a grocery store. He originally started selling watermelons and branched into other produce. He forgets everything he wanted to say as soon as he meets Becca and his forgettable introduction leaves him rose-less. 

Jean Blanc
JB is from Haiti. He calls himself a cologne-eisser and loves the smell of cologne in the morning. He has over 100 bottles of fragrance and I want to know how many he brought into the mansion. He teaches Becca how to say "let's do the damn thing" in French. He evidently picked out the right cologne this evening, as he receives a rose .

Colton
He was born on Super Bowl Sunday and is a former professional football player. He now runs a nonprofit organization benefiting cystic fibrosis. He has a dog and seems too good to be true. According to the edit, he's first out of the limo. He brings confetti poppers to kick off the evening and somewhere an intern is cursing under his breath because now he has to clean up wet confetti off the spotless driveway. He receives a rose, but let's keep a close eye on this guy. 

Grant
He's an electrician that missed a huge opportunity to introduce himself with a "spark" pun so it was lights out on his 15 minutes. No rose. 

Connor
He's a fitness coach and I instantly start having Krystal PTSD after reading his occupation. I'll try not to hold it against him. He gets down on one knee and announces he is ready to do the damn thing. He swoops in for the first conversation, earning the nickname "smooth criminal" from quotable Jordan. He slices off the top of champagne bottle with a knife. His party trick earns him a rose. 

John
He is a software engineer that worked on the Venmo application. Becca requests that he accept her rose. 

Leo
He's a stuntman from California with longer locks than Becca. He credits leave-in conditioner for his mane. He astutely observes the stench of competition in the air and is certain it'll get stinkier as the night progresses. He's willing to smell the roses though and accepts one from Becca. 

Rickey
He's an IT consultant and he gets a rose. 

Alex
He's a construction manager. Rose. 

Nick
He arrives in the driveway in a race car outfit, before ripping it off to reveal his suit. He's an attorney that is usually good at opening statements, but not so much tonight. Even so, he didn't rent the race car costume in vain. Rose. 

Mike
Mike, the sports analyst, and his man bun tote a cardboard cutout of Arie so that Arie can see Becca look as happy as she does. He proceeds to set Flat Arie in the corner of the living room so he can oversee the evening. Luckily, he can avoid his Kinko's bill for a few more days--he receives a rose. 

Blake
Our resident Denver mountain boy arrived at After the Final Rose on a horse and decides to dial 1-800-RENTAOX for this evening's event so that Becca is certain that his feelings are already STRONG. Becca thinks the ox is cute and I wonder how many shots she had for liquid courage. Blake was recently in a serious relationship that ended abruptly. He and Becca bond over how they were able to love the wrong people so much, and how that means they'll love the right people even more. His Pinterest quote earns a rose. 

Chase
Chase was on After the Final Rose and may not be here for the right reasons. Chris, we'll meet him in a minute, knows Chase from Florida. They have a mutual friend, Danielle, that Chase dated for a few weeks. He claims this was 2 years ago. Anywho, Danielle texted Chris when Chase was on After the Final Rose that he was only going on the show to boost his advertising agency. Chris confronts Chase to see what he has to say about it. Chase thinks Danielle is cray, but he wants to get ahead of the situation and sits down the Becca to discuss. It's awkward AF and Becca laughs nervously throughout. In the end, Chase leaves without a rose, but with a rather large Danielle vendetta. Will someone warn a chick? 

Darius. 
No airtime, no rose. 

Ryan
You'll remember him from After the Final Rose with his banjo. You'll remember him tonight because he wore a jacket made out of his grandmother's floral curtains. Rose. 

Christon
The former Harlem globetrotter shows off on the mansion basketball court. He dunks on our lovely Bachelorette before starting a pickup game in the slick driveway. He receives a rose. 

Wills
The graphic designer receives a rose. 

Jason
Senior corporate banker cashes in on a rose. 

Kamil
He's the social media participant that put the nail in his coffin when he asked Becca for 60/40 in a relationship. No rose. 

Trent
Speaking of coffins, Trent arrived in a hearse because he "literally died" when he heard Becca was the Bachelorette. His stunt earns a rose. 

Jake
A marketing consultant from Minneapolis, Jake knows Becca from back home. In fact, they've been around each other multiple times and she's pretty confused that he's shown up. I'm having flashbacks to Liz on Nick Viall's season of The Bachelor when she originally met him at Jade and Tanner's wedding. Ultimately, Becca decides Jake's arrival is sketchy at best and sends him home even before the rose ceremony. Our Beccachelorette means business. 

David
Because night 1 would be incomplete with at least one ridiculous costume, David arrives decked out in a chicken suit. He assures Becca he isn't here to ruffle feathers, but instead wants to pursue an egg-cellent relationship with her. They perform the chicken dance and since Becca is into chicken nuggets (same, girl), she offers him a rose. 

Chris
He is a sales trainer and the guy who confronted Chase. He paid attention last season and knows that in order to get to Becca, he first has to win Uncle Gary's heart. That being said, he brought an entire gospel choir to sing a hymn about roses. 

We've met them all, y'all! Favorites? I already love to hate Jordan and can't wait to quote him for the rest of the season. How many more times will we hear "let's do the damn thing?" Can someone send me Becca's meal plan? These are my pressing questions. Catch you next week!