Bachelor Recap Week 10: 300 Minutes in Hell

We’ve made to the final five hours of this dumpster fire and there is no extinguisher in sight. Arie has narrowed his wifey material to Becca and Emily Maynard Lauren. Chris Harrison introduces the live studio audience and announces that Arie is about to become the most scandalous bachelor in history. Every mother dreams of their son growing up to be the most scandalous man on The Bachelor.

Speaking of mothers, Arie’s family is in Cusco, Peru to meet his girlfriends. He preps them for what's to come by admitting that he is in love with 2 women and it’s going to be a tough choice.

Lauren is up first to meet the fam. She strolls in flaunting an off the shoulder sweater in her usual nervous state. Arie continues to worry that Lauren gets too in her head. He wants his family to see what he sees in Lauren, which is Emily Maynard.

The biggest takeaway from this family introduction is that Luyendyk is pronounced Lion-dyke, which is almost like lyin’ dick. This will be an important note later. Papa Luyendyk takes Lauren aside She is worried that she’ll get engaged and it won’t work out again, but appreciates that Arie always takes the time to reassure her. Arie’s siblings ask the tough questions, do you have real conversations with Lauren? Arie stutters a semblance of an answer.

The family verdict at this point is that they do see the chemistry with this couple.

Now, it’s Becca’s turn for meet the parents. The Luyendyks are keeping in mind that yesterday was yesterday and today is today. Which is always a good way to look at the days of the week….Becca swoops in with a picnic basket, whose contents will always remain a mystery. She said she’s known since their first date that she and Arie had something special. The siblings note that she is very outgoing and easy to talk to AKA not Lauren.

Mieke, Mama Luyendyk, has reservations about Becca because she liked Lauren a lot. SHe relates to Lauren because neither one of them have facial expressions. Because of her concerns, Mieke breaks the cardinal rule of Bachelor by talking about the other woman and Papa Luyendyk does the same. He asks if BEcca gets along with Lauren. Becca forces a smile and says they are very different and just connected with different women in the house.

Becca admits it wasn’t fun to hear them comparing her to Lauren, because comparing them is like comparing an apple to a starfish. I”m not sure who is what in this scenario.

Cute brother Luyendyk asks Becca how comfortable she feels knowing Arie is still with Lauren? Oh, not that great. Kinda makes Becca want to puke.

In the end, Arie’s family acknowledges that he does indeed have quite a choice on his hands. In their eyes, they think their is a woman who will better fit Arie and his lifestyle. It almost sounds like they are shopping for a vehicle? Arie says that he and Becca never run out of things to say and that it just makes more sense with her. However, Lauren and he have an undeniable love.

Back in the studio, Caroline (AKA “i know what you did girl”) is in the hot seat. She says her opinion hasn't changed and what Arie did is unforgivable. She finds it really difficult to watch him toy with these girls. Chris notes that Arie is in a very bad place right now. Yeah, my shit list.

It’s time for the final dates. Arie dons his 17th blue shirt and Lauren grabs her trusty crop top. They are off to Maccu Piccu! Lauren is so excited, but her face hasn’t changed at all. They take an entire private train to the top. On their ride they reminisce on their time together. Lauren says she can still picture the first day when she walked up to him and he forgot that he had met her in Dallas. I’m sorry, rewind, wait WHAT! According to Twitter (a reliable source), Lauren first met Arie at a race in Dallas. Sounds like she was nursing a crush for a little bit.

When they arrive at their destination, Lauren is in awe of the landscape. She remembers it all from her history books 2 years ago in college. They meander through the maze of stone and make out. Arie says he loves the speckle in her left eye.

Lauren is excited for the evening portion of their date and for once isn’t scared. She toasts to a lifetime of unforgettable dates. Lauren tells Arie how much she loves him and how she loves him even more after going through things that haven’t been the easiest. I’m sorry, wait, which part of traveling around the world all expenses paid has been hard? This couple hasn’t seen difficult yet. But they surely will.

Arie twirls Lauren’s hair as she describes their future. She can see them having coffee in the morning, walking their dogs, going to work and having a glass of wine. They will hit up the dog park on Saturday. Arie hasn’t even popped the question yet and she’s got them on a schedule.

Arie says maybe he’ll learn to golf to please her dad. Lauren confesses that he can drive her golf cart anytime. Is this a new euphemism the kids are using these days?!

After their dinner, ARie says if he had to propose right this second it would be Lauren. But keep in mind he said the opposite during Becca’s fantasy suite

Harrison invites Sienne and Bekah to the chaise. Sienne is hoarse and wants to make sure America knows what it sounds like when you actually lose your voice. She also must have gotten lost on the way to a Ke$ha concert because she’s covered in body glitter. Bekah doesn’t think Arie should propose at all if he’s this conflicted.

It’s time for Becca and Arie’s final date. Is pouring rain on your last date in Bachelor land lucky like rain on your wedding day? Asking for a friend.

They spend time in a local market where Becca most assuredly picked up head lice. After the sun comes out they spend some QT with alpacas wherein Becca shares these words of wisdom: “This is how you make things fall in love with you--feed them.”

In their evening date, Becca shares that she can’t picture her future without him. She asks if he has any hesitation. He says he is conflicted and keeps going back and forth. Oversharing, perhaps? She’s ready to do the damn thing with him. She presents him with a scrapbook of their time together, with pages left blank for their wedding and future babies.

Back in Chris Harrison’s corner of the world, Jason Mesnick (!!!) and Ben Higgins are on the edge of their seats. Ben’s advice should be don’t pick the Lauren.

It’s P-day. The ladies are filmed putting on their banging dresses while Arie walks the streets of Cusco to get more clarity. Neil Lane arrives with a few ring selections and Arie chooses an oval cut. All that he has left to do is don his blue suit and get through a break up. Lauren arrives first in her fringed dress. Brown river water rushes behind Arie’s proposal set up. She feels good, has no doubts and believes she can truly be herself with Arie. After letting Lauren profess her love, Arie taps out. He says he wanted it for them, but he just couldn’t go through with it. Lauren’s face remains unchanged. She’s v confused. Arie admits he didn't fully know what he was going to do until this morning. While he walks her out, Lauren says she still loves him. Arie responds, “I love you too.” Excuse me!? He’s about to propose to someone else in less than an hour. If you can tell ANOTHER WOMAN that you love her on the SAME day that you propose to someone THEN YOU DON’T TRULY LOVE EITHER OF THEM.

Lauren cries in the SUV. I needed subtitles. Arie heads back into the ring for round 2. Becca rolls up, ready to start a new journey with Arie. Arie says is love for her is unmeasurable and that he chooses her today and everyday forward. She accepts his final rose and the Neil Lane ring. They drink champagne and frolic with alpacas. Her rose falls off the stem. Foreshadowing?

Usually at this point, we cut to After the Final Rose where we see the happy couple and hear their wedding plans. Instead, Chris Harrison appears again solo and ABC begins to roll the worst footage of all time, filmed around the mid-January timeframe. Keep in mind that he and Becca have been an engaged couple since November 17th.

Arie is struggling to let go of Lauren. He admits he thinks about her when he goes to bed and when he wakes up. He expected his feelings about the breakup to go away. He decides it’s not fair to be in a relationship with Becca when he is only half in. How noble. It wasn’t fair of him to propose in the first place!

The possibility of having something with Lauren makes Arie risk it all and subsequently become the biggest douchebag in Bachelor history. This weekend in January is supposed to be a secret happy couple weekend in LA with Becca. She is ready for a weekend with her fiance, but little does she know that Arie has decided to call off the engagement and break up with her, with the cameras rolling in the background.

Becca arrives first. She talks about how the past few months have been a whirlwind and it’s so great to relax now. She admires her big ring that she’s about to have to give back. Arie shows up, hugs her, and wants to talk. She is blindsided by his admission that he has to follow his heart and see if he has a future with Lauren. SHe says he should  have thought about whether he was ready to get engaged because clearly he wasn’t. Arie never once says he was wrong to propose. He continues to say he has put a lot of thought behind his decision. Gold star, dude. She walks away to start packing. Arie says she can stay here and he will leave EXCEPT HE DOESN’T. She repeatedly asks him to go and he continues to stay with the damn cameras. She cries in the bathroom and he timidly knocks, “hey are you okay?” She doesn’t have indigestion Arie, it’s a broken heart so boibye. Arie has more to say, it  kills him to see her like this. She says her future was ripped away. Arie says he wanted those things too, but he can’t give them to her if he is love with someone else. LET ME CLIMB UP ON MY SOAPBOX FOR A MOMENT:

Here’s what’s wrong with marriage today. Arie repeatedly comes at this like it’s something he has no control over. Love is a CHOICE. Sure, you may not choose who you are attracted to, but real love is a VERB and something that you choose every day. He is not “following his heart” he is making a dang choice!!

Soapbox moment over. Becca continues to ask Arie to leave through her tears. She uses her cute off the shoulder crop top as a kleenex because no one bothers to get her a tissue even though an entire camera crew is invading her space right now.  

I think I see why Arie’s racing career fell apart. Homeboy can’t understand the word “go.” He continues to sit on the edge of the couch awkwardly and finally FINALLY says “k, i’m gonna go” like it’s his idea.

Back in the studio, Chris introduces Becca and thanks her for being here, as if she had a choice. She hasn’t seen Arie or talked to him since that day. She feels like she was lied to. Chris announces that tomorrow night she will have a chance to see Arie and Lauren live. I cringe.

As the final two hours of this mess commences, we recap that Becca is blindsided and confused. Arie and Becca had literally just discussed their plan for after the show a week prior to his break up.

The camera trades off shots of Becca sitting in the airport and then flying home in a middle seat. ABC couldn’t even spring for a window..? Arie hates how upset she is and feels like a monster right now. It’s the truest sentiment he’s had all season. Back at home in Minnesota, ABC forces her to sort through pictures and videos of her relationship with Arie.

Seeking validation, Arie hunts down Jason Mesnick. Jason comments that America will hate Arienand that he shouldn’t do this unless he’s 100% certain. Too late.

Arie arrives at Virginia Beach to find out what Lauren is up to. He is terrified that she won’t have him back and he will have risked everything for nothing. He knocks on her door and greets her with a “what’s up” as she leaps into his arms. He’s already called to tell her that he and Becca broke up and he is here to admit he made a mistake.

Lauren reveals she was angry when Arie first reached out and she has quite a few questions for America’s newest villain. Arie leads with saying it’s been a hard 6 weeks without her and that he wants a second chance. Lauren makes it clear that she felt extremely alone when she came home and that this hasn’t been easy. Arie hates that he put her through that pain. She asks if he and Becca had as strong of a relationship as he had with her. Arie avoids giving a true answer, but says that at the time he felt he was making a safe decision for his future. He concludes his speech with wanting a second chance and loving her very much. They exchange “i love you”’s and Lauren pointedly says she hopes an engagement won’t take much longer.

As the studio audience mumbles in disappointment, Chris invites Becca’s friends from the show to join him. Sienne, Bekah, Caroline, Tia and Kendall hop on stage, ready to roast their ex. Bekah has a lot of feelings, but knows most of them would be bleeped out at this point. She decides on stating that Arie is not genuine, but rather manipulative and will say whatever the person in front of him wants to hear. Kendall is frustrated that he showed little to zero emotion when breaking up with Becca. He was engaged to her for a decent amount of time, so if he could so easily disregard that relationship then he had no business getting down on one knee in the first place.

Harrison seeks their opinion on the televised break up. I found their answers difficult to believe and can’t help but think some producer coaching went into this. Kendall thinks the relationship needed to be televised so that America could see how strong Becca is. Sienne agrees that it needed to be seen. However, she reveals that what we did not see is that Arie already had confirmation from Lauren that she would take him back before the break up. Which means his mantra of risking it all for nothing was actually false. Tia was with Lauren on NYE when Arie initially reached out and confirms Sienne’s revelation. All of the women agree that Becca deserves another shot at love and that Lauren doesn't deserve any hate.

Harrison invites Becca to the stage. Her green/gold dress with a slit up to their enunciates her revenge body. She admits that it’s been difficult to watch everything back. She first learned about Arie’s thoughts on Lauren in Peru when he confessed he’d been in love with both of them. However, she didn't know he had reached out to Lauren until a week after the fact. They had been talking about the future, making plans, and looking at houses together before she even had a sense of anything being wrong. The outpouring of love from everyone after the show last night fills her heart. Chris shows billboards up in Minnesota and LA and comments that Bachelor Nation even started a fund for her. If you want to check it out, just go to her Venmo account! It started with someone sending her some cash for a bottle of wine and has turned into $6000. The comments the senders are writing range from “sis, f*** Arie and get yourself a bottle” to “he was a stale ham sandwich of a man, hold out for an everything bagel.” I’m proud to report that I was $5 of that. She has decided to donate the funds to Stand Up To Cancer and ABC is going to match that donation.

Arie joins them on stage to face his ex. Arie says he hid his conversation with Lauren from Becca for so long because he wanted to be sure about his decision to pursue her. He also defends his choice to film the break up because he wanted everyone to know it was on him. Sounds like a cop out, but okay Arie. Becca says that she was under the impression that he would reach out to Lauren only to close the chapter. Not to open a whole new book. As his fiance, she feels disrespected.

However, she knows she’s auditioning for bachelorette and is ready to move on and find someone better...suited for her. I think she just needs to find someone better.

Chris Harrison asks Arie if he has regrets. I answer for him by yelling YAAAAAS at the screen. Arie agrees and says he shouldn't have proposed as he wasn’t ready. He said the pressure of being the bachelor got to him. Becca reminds him that he robbed her of a true engagement/proposal. She will never have a first time for that again.

Jason and Molly Mesnick make an appearance and think Arie made a poor choice by filming the break up. They suggest that Arie and Lauren leave the country and work on their relationship, noting that the most successful couples in the franchise get the hell outta dodge.

Arie pops a squat back on the stage with Harrison. He says at this point all he can is apologize, although I have yet to hear the word “sorry” cross his so-called pillow lips. He admits that he and Lauren didn't watch the break up episode Monday night. I telepathically signal Lauren not to make any rash decisions before seeing that footage.

Lauren, ignoring my telepathy, bounds on stage with a kiss for Arie. She is excited to be here and thinks this experience has made their love stronger. Arie would like to tell his haters (me) that it doesn’t matter. They have each other’s hearts now. Arie announces they are heading out on a vacation for a bit before Lauren moves to Arizona, but first….he has a question to pop. To bewildered stares and mediocre applause, Arie proposes to Lauren. She says yes and I hope to all that is holy that they aren’t making Becca watch this shipwreck.

Sensing that Bachelor Nation is quickly losing faith in this franchise and about to swear off it for good, Chris Harrison quickly announces that the Bachelorette will be on this spring, starring Becca. I guess this makes her the Beccachelorette! #illbehereallnight

Becca is looking forward to finding someone to love. Her friends surround her on the couch, piled on top of each other. But Chris has one more surprise up his sleeve as they are about to introduce a few of her men RIGHT NOW (talk about damage control). The art department spent the day creating a mansion out of cardboard. The interns set up the project and Becca meets Lincoln (the one who called Arie a wanker in his amazing accent), Chase, Ryan (Banjo player with a dimple), Darius, and Blake (the one with the horse named Bradley).

We won’t get to meet the remaining men until May 28th, but until then I need 18 glasses of wine to erase the 5 hours of Bachelor trash I watched this week. Where’s my Venmo fund?