Bachelor Recap Week 3: Is This Toddlers and Tiaras?
Mornings at Bachelor mansion consist of sunbathing, journaling, coffee, and sending snide side-eye across the pool. The girls discuss how difficult this journey already is as they are all dating the same guy. Chris Harrison strolls in with a shirt that wardrobe has matched perfectly to his sky-blue eyes. Swoon. He announces the schedule of two group dates and a single one-on-one date before dropping the first date card on the coffee table like a mic.
“Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn: I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure.”
Caelynn and Hannah B. have some bad blood from their pageant history and aren’t looking forward to being on the same date. The chosen girls run onto the bus in their best Lululemon and Athleta gear before arriving at the Pirate’s Dinner Adventure in LA. Captain Colton is dressed in pirate gear and welcomes his wenches aboard his ship. I always had a thing for Captain Jack Sparrow when Pirates of the Caribbean was popular so I’m digging this. Colton introduces the group to pirate trainers Chris and Cindy before sending them to change in their own pirate garb. Hannah B. declares herself incredibly competitive before sending Caelynn flying off the beam. Two people will end up competing to rescue Captain Colton at the dinner performance this evening while the rest of the gang watches from the poop deck. Tracy and Caelynn are the chosen competitors and zipline down to meet on the deck for their skirmish. Caelynn bests Tracy and climbs up the ladder to untie Captain Colton. They share a quick peck. It was all really cheesy and lame and if I had been chosen for this date I’d probably be pissed tbh.
The women trade their pirate paraphernalia for cocktail dresses to sip champagne at an antique store. Colton toasts to getting to see their different personalities during the day -- Hannah B. cowers with PTSD from her failed toast last week. Colton and Katie discuss how much they have in common while he trails his fingers up and down her leg. He appreciates her freshly shaven calf, how real she is, and that sushi is in her top 5 favorite things.
Demi and Tracy are at it again with the age discussion. Demi says she can’t imagine how it would feel to be the older woman in this scenario and condemns Tracy for being so passive aggressive and condescending. Demi and her lavender lacy number interrupt Colton and Katie’s sushi discussion.
Demi tells Colton that she loves being around him and his scent (GAG ME). She blindfolds him and proceeds to spank him with a wooden platter before almost sticking a fake hand down his pants. I’m super uncomfortable, yet Colton still kisses her after all this.
Katie didn’t appreciate Demi’s interruption and asks to speak to her privately. Katie suggests that Demi reevaluate her delivery in how she speaks to the other women. Demi is appalled that Katie should dare ask Demi to tone down her personality. She declares that she’s going to continue to be herself and basically Katie can suck it.
Caelynn and Colton sit down together and Colton apologizes for not kissing her right the first time during the pirate show. They make out on the couch while Colton monologues about his guard coming completely down with Caelynn.
Hannah B. whispers with Heather about how Caelynn is a nasty b word. She thinks Caelynn isn’t “real” and that Colton isn’t seeing her true self. Hannah B. is certain that it’s her job to tell Colton what’s up with Caelynn (THIS ALWAYS BACKFIRES, WHY DO CONTESTANTS KEEP DOING THIS!!) and takes her sparkly self over to Colton. She starts by telling him that she and Caelynn were friends and even roommates at Miss USA, but continues that Caelynn is fake and manipulative. Truthfully, she doesn’t really give any examples to back up her claims and Colton is honestly befuddled by these accusations (note: befuddled is a world while BEFUMBLED is not). He asks Hannah B. for space while he processes.
He goes directly to Caelynn to try to get to the bottom of this issue. Caelynn agrees that she and Hannah B. were friends once upon a time, but the competitive environment was rough on their relationship. Caelynn cryptically reveals that she struggles with some personal issues that she’s not comfortable sharing with Colton just yet and gets teary-eyed. Colton gets up and retrieves the date rose before presenting it to Caelynn. He wants her to know how much he like her and kisses her to seal the deal. I’m still completely in the dark about what on earth happened between Caelynn and Hannah B. at Miss USA.
Ding Dong Date Card: “Elyse, love is in the air.”
Cassie has emotions because she fears she might not get a date at all this week and just wants more time with Colton. Even though she has a rose, Caelynn continues to cry the next day because she feels the joy of the getting the rose was taken from her by Hannah B.’s unfounded accusations.
Meanwhile, Elyse and Colton are en route via limo to a private airport. They board a helicopter to fly to San Diego and take full advantage of the miniscule space to ‘copter cuddle. Elyse feels some trepidation stemming from their 6 year age gap. Is Colton on the same page as she? They arrive at a deserted Belmont Park where Colton announces that he’s turning this one-on-one into a group date, welcoming a group of kids to join their day. It was never entirely clear where these kids came from? Did I miss something? I couldn’t tell if these were part of his charity or another organization. Regardless of who these kiddos belong to, they climb on board a carousel to kick off the day before playing games and eating ice cream. Colton and Elyse cap off the amusement park day with a solo rollercoaster ride with some tongue-swapping thrown in at the apex of the coaster. Elyse no longer fears their age gap and says this date speaks volumes about his character and his ability to be a dad one day.
Elyse and Colton spiffy up for the evening portion of their date and glide into a bejeweled atrium to pretend to dine on fancy fare. Colton admires Elyse’s confidence and independence and asks where it stems from. Elyse shares about her late sister, a labor and delivery nurse who was pregnant with her 2nd child when she found out she had a cancerous tumor. The doctors’ only goal was to get her as close to term as possible. She delivered a healthy baby, but ultimately passed away. This experience shifted Elyse’s priorities and she has started a charity in her sister’s honor. Colton is moved by her story and characterizes her as “unreal.” He gifts her the date rose and says he is super excited about their future. Elyse deems it the best day and Colton counters with “you think we are done!?” He leads her into a Tenille Arts concert (who!?) where they dance in front of the crowd on a platform.
Ding Dong Date Card: “Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin: for every strong man there is an even stronger woman.”
Somewhere in small town, California Colton flips tires with his shirt off, whips ropes and does push ups. His ladies arrive and immediately shriek at the sight of his shirtless pecs. The ensuing pandemonium is real as Onyeka runs and jumps into his arms while other girls ask “did you run out of clothes? Is it laundry day?” Colton announces that they are here to get sweaty before introducing Terry and Rebecca Crews. The women start in on a workout and the athletic ones are quickly apparent. Catherine brags about her martial arts history, while Nicole struggles to do a single pull up (same girl, same). Sydney coyly asks Colton to stretch her legs out and he has one of her legs nearly pulled up over her head while his foot wedges under her opposite thigh. Cassie comments that Colton sure isn’t a stretching virgin anymore.
After getting sufficiently warmed up, the group jogs out to fight for gold in the Bachelor’s Strongest Woman competition wherein the last 3 women standing will fight for a cheap trophy. Chris Harrison and Fred Willup are the commenters and the audience is made up of random females off the street who thought they were going to get to go to Dancing with the Stars and watch Grocery Store Joe participate. No such luck. They wave roses and glittery signs hastily thrown together by the ABC intern.
The events are:
The Cake Push: shoving a 100 pound wedding cake down a dirt aisle. Onyeka crushes this event, while Nicole struggles to move the confection even an inch
The Ring Toss: flipping a tire down a dirt aisle. Catherine is surprisingly adept at this event.
The Limo Pull: attempting to pull a limo forward like a horse and carriage. Caitlin actually succeeds at this, but I’m really not sure how! There had to have been a producer inside stepping lightly on the gas.
The 3 finalists (Sydney, Catherine, and Onyeka) duke it out in the Heavy Heart Carry: running back and forth with a medicine ball. Onyeka gets the W and hopes her efforts will be rewarded with the date rose. Instead, she gets an oversized trophy that will almost definitely incur a baggage fee when she does eventually go home.
Colton kicks off the evening cocktail party by saying the highlight of the day for him was watching them be strong and confident women. Tayshia sits down with him first and thanks him for an amazing day. Colton appreciates her personality and says he needs someone to call him out every once in a while. Nicole also loved the theme of the date today and gets teary as she insists she is here for all of the right reasons. Colton is impressed by Nicole’s genuity and authenticity. He brings Onyeka a piece of chocolate cake to celebrate her victory and speaks highly of her contagious energy. With Cassie, Colton pulls her against a window and compliments how cute, quirky, and awkward she is. Cassie swoons at this weird compliment and sticks her tongue down his throat.
Colton sits down with Caitlin, hoping to get to know her better since they didn’t have much time last week. Caitlin says the day was great, but she doesn’t have anything she wants to share with him. Colton tries to dig deeper, asking about her family and what she is looking for in a mate. Caitlin just wants someone to go out with her and her friends for a silly evening. *insert buzzer noise here* Colton thanks Caitlin for playing, but he’s not feeling the chemistry. He walks her out and into a waiting rejection SUV. Nicole receives the date rose, while Caitlin cries in the SUV, blindsided by Colton’s decision.
The following day, Chris Harrison puts in some overtime hours at the mansion. He informs the group that Colton has nixed the cocktail party in favor of a pool party. The girls cheer in anticipation of Colton’s shirtless self. They hurry to bikini-down and sunscreen-up in preparation. Colton arrives to greet his girl gang and proceeds to hurl himself into the pool, splashing his sunbathing girl gang. He takes a moment to reassure dateless Hannah G. that he has confidence in what they have and she shouldn’t worry that her name didn’t grace a date card this week.
Colton and Caelynn revisit the Hannah B. situation. She sheds a murky light on the feud and reveals that they were very close at one point, but that Hannah B. began to be deceitful and manipulative when Caelynn found success on the pageant circuit. Caelynn goes on to label Hannah B. as toxic and not someone she wants to be around.
Colton has a hard time processing this revelation since he spent an entire day with Hannah B. and thought her biggest flaw was flunking toasts. Colton confronts Hannah B. about the “alarming” words that Caelynn said. Hannah B. has a “full tank of rage” and calls Caelynn a liar. She says Caelynn puts on a show and it makes her scared for Colton and his future with her. The drama consumes the pool party and many women don’t get a chance at a last-ditch conversation effort with Colton before the rose ceremony.
Caelynn, Nicole, and Elyse clutch their security rosebuds while the rest of the group sweats it out.
Rose Ceremony:
Hannah G.
Tayshia
Katie
Cassie
Kirpa
Sydney
Demi
Tracy
Courtney
Heather
Onyeka
Hannah B.
Catherine gets to go home to her dog mom duties, Bri is sent packing to work on her fake Australian accent, and Nina is not memorable in the least to me or to Colton, apparently.
Hannah B. is crushed that Colton made her wait until the final rose of the evening and wails that she doesn’t deserve everything Caelynn is saying about her. I have zero sympathy as she is the one that brought the feud up to Colton in the first place.
Are you Team Alabama Hannah or Team Caelynn? NEXT WEEK: stuff happens in Singapore and I’m certain we haven’t heard the last of the pageant contestant drama. BUCKLE UP, BACHELOR BETCHES!
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