Bachelorette Beast Recap Week Six: Paging "Dr." Harrison

Last week, we were left hanging in Scotland on the worst date ever. Hannah and Luke are pretending to eat dinner and Hannah picks up the date rose, only to say “I can’t give you this rose.” Somehow, Luke is confused. He’s frustrated with how their day went and says he will take full ownership of it (but doesn’t describe what “it” is that he’s taking ownership of…) and move on. Hannah repeats that it just doesn’t make sense to give him a rose tonight. Luke is stunned -- “so I go home tonight?” Yes, Luke, that’s the general idea. Hannah confirms this and asks him to please respect that as she gives him a goodbye hug.

Luke is shocked, it never crossed his mind that he would ever go home because everyone loves him! Luke needs his hearing checked as he is determined to fight for her. Instead of climbing in the rejection SUV as instructed, he tracks down Hannah in the library. She immediately asks “what are you DOING?”, but deaf Luke is undeterred. He yells that he wants to move mountains for her and agrees that today sucked because they talked in circles. No, Luke, YOU talked in circles. Hannah’s words were perfectly linear. Luke continues to say he genuinely wants to marry her and doesn’t care about anything except Hannah.

The remaining men eye Luke’s suitcase sitting by the door, emblazoned with his monogram #redflag. The door swings open, but instead of the luggage handler they were all hoping to see, Luke walks in -- roseless. A producer has clearly coached him to deliver a recap of the date and his roseless, yet not departed, status. Luke confesses that Hannah deemed it the worst one-on-one she’s had and that he’s still here, but will be going through the rose ceremony like the rest of them. No one is pleased to see Luke. In fact, they are “hella annoyed” (in the words of #MikeForBachelor). Garrett just needs to know one thing -- did Luke keep their names out of his mouth today? Luke answers to the affirmative.

Prior the cocktail party, Luke is on his knees in a fancy cathedral. He declares he is pursuing his future wife and is doing his best not to screw it up. The men don their suits and file past the full-length mirror for a once-over. Luke is ready to make the most of his evening -- he announces that it says a lot that he is still here. Heavy silence ensues until Hannah enters in a skin-tight, white dress with a slit to the hip.

Hannah describes how big this week has been for her. She feels enlightened and is looking forward to uncovering the unseen in the men and revealing more about herself. They toast to continuing in their relationships and being comfortable in sharing the uncomfortable.

Garrett wastes no time and asks to speak with her first. Hannah has enjoyed getting to know Garrett, but is yearning for more depth in all of these relationships. The first half of their conversation is pleasant enough, but Garrett then steps into Luke territory. He shares that before Luke went on his date with Hannah, Garrett asked Luke to keep other people out of his relationship -- he wants to know if Luke told the truth when he said he didn’t speak about any of the other men. Hannah admits that Luke did discuss Mike, Dylan, and Devin, but that she was the one who brought them up because she asked about the specific conflicts. Garrett thanks Hannah for her honesty and kisses her -- right as Connor walks in the room.

Commence awkward giggling and stilted “sorry’s” as Connor asks to steal Hannah for a moment. Hannah agrees and walks down the hall with Connor as Garrett rejoins the men in the living room, eager to confront Luke with his new information. Garrett asks why Luke said he didn’t talk about any of them, yet brought up Mike, Dylan, and Devin. Now that you mention it, Luke does remember saying their names, but it wasn’t in a trash-talk context like Luke S. Garrett insists that it doesn’t matter, Luke still lied to all of them and nobody believes him.

Voices escalate and Hannah can’t concentrate on her conversation with Connor. She marches into the sitting room and demands them to stop. She is frustrated and pissed off. She is aware that no one likes Luke, but she is still working through things with him. She assures the group that she was the one who deliberately asked Luke about his relationship with specific individuals, but if they have further questions they should come to Hannah directly. Garrett argues with Luke that it’s the principle of it -- he lied to the group. Hannah is tired of hearing screaming and requests that they all stay in their respective lanes. With this, she turns and stomps up the stairs for a breather with a producer and a glass of champagne.

Pilot Pete begs everyone to please cut the sh** because this sucks. Luke assures the men that he would never lie to their faces intentionally (AKA all of his lies are accidental). Garrett continues to press Luke about his inability to remain truthful and their voices rise once again. Hannah chugs her champagne and stomps back down the stairs. She came into this evening wanting to be vulnerable and share more about herself, but now she has no desire to do so. She forces herself into the group, eyes blazing. She points at LUke and admonishes: “stop making excuses. Own up to what you have flaws about.” To the rest of them she states, “stop focusing on him because I can figure that out for myself.” She says she is a grown-ass woman who can make her own decisions and that every single one of them is responsible for her feelings of irritation -- not just Luke. Hannah is part of the club that cries when they get angry -- trust me, it’s an elite group (I’m the president). It’s terribly inconvenient because you appear sad, but really you’d love to punch someone in the jugular. Through her angry tears, Hannah calls the men out for not asking anything real about her because they just focus on stupid sh**. She’s defeated and doesn’t want to do this.

She walks out once again, this time in search of a Chris Harrison hug. We are 50 minutes into this episode, still in Scotland, with zero roses in sight. Garrett turns to the men and offers an apology. He realizes he was petty and owns up to his mistake. Luke personally really appreciates Garrett’s apology because he had a lot he wanted to say to Hannah, but offers up no apologies of his own. Luke categorizes the failed evening as 100% Garrett’s fault, because remember, Luke doesn’t have flaws.

Chris Harrison offers a hug and a hanky to sniffling Hannah because he is a distinguished gentleman. She cuts the cocktail party short once again in favor of getting straight to the rose ceremony.

Hannah offers roses to:

Connor

Tyler

Dustin

Pilot Pete

Dylan

Garrett

And Luke, which he accepts with his whole, unflawed heart.

Luke is like herpes - we just can’t get rid of him, even when we think he has got to be gone for good this time. #FlareUpsonFlareUps

Hannah says goodbye to Devin, Kevin, and unemployed Grant. She tells her remaining men that she’s still mad and everyone needs to get on the same page for this to work. She bids them goodnight without a second glance and without a next destination announcement.

The men eventually end up in Riga, Latvia. They wander the cobblestones and marvel at old architecture before putting some beers on ABC’s pub tab. Meanwhile, Hannah is pondering life with Chris Harrison, who is putting in work as an amateur therapist this week. She just wants a cocktail party that doesn't go to crap -- is this too much to ask? She seems to have a short memory that group date cocktail party in Scotland went swimmingly, and didn’t include Luke. She confesses to pseudo-Dr. Harrison that she is trying to stay hopeful, but she just isn’t trusting these relationships as much as she wants to. She hoped she’d have more understanding with her emotions by now.

Suddenly, we have an abrupt location and outfit change. Instead of Riga, Latvia, Hannah and Chris are having a fireside chat in the Bachelor mansion. She’s now wearing a sparkly dress and Harrison invites her to look back at her journey thus far. I’m convinced that editing finished cutting the season and realized they needed 60 minutes of fluff to make the season work. Harrison and Chris were speed-dialed and instructed to rush to the mansion and pretend they were in between Latvia and Scotland, timing-wise.

Harrison asks Hannah to break down every dramatic moment of her season thus far, from banishing two-timing Scott on night 1 to the footage we’ve already seen tonight of her angry meltdown in Scotland. Next, we review all of the highlights -- including #MikeForBachelor ripping his pants in a particularly rowdy round of air guitar. I fast-forwarded during this entire video scrapbook because it was an epic waste of air-time.

This week had zero dates, one rose ceremony, entirely too much Luke and not nearly enough Tyler. I have high hopes for next week because we can only go up from the flaming pile of garbage that ABC tried to pass off as good television. Meet you in Latvia!