Bachelor Recap Week 2: Did You Hear it's Hannah B's Birthday?
In case you missed the premiere, you can catch up here. In brief, Colton sent home 6 women -- most notably a sloth. The season already tried (and failed) to be experimental with week one where they bounced between various watch parties hosted by franchise alum. In the same vein, they’ve provided Colton with his own personal GoPro so he can take shirtless videos from the comfort of his bed. It’s just as weird as it sounds.
“Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G, Nicole, Onyeka, and Catherine: you never forget your first date.”
The chosen eight women board a party bus and meet Colton in downtown LA at a theater where they join Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally (AKA famous people I’m only semi-aware of). Today, they will be writing stories about a “first” event in their lives and then performing in front of an audience of 200 this evening. Megan and Nick demonstrate with two of the most uncomfortable stories respectively, filled with innuendo out the wazoo and several bleeped words, before setting the women loose to brainstorm.
Colton kicks off the performance portion evening with his own story about the “first” time he confessed to being a virgin in the NFL locker room. His voice was shaking and I’m beginning to think he is contractually obligated to mention his virginity every 3 minutes. Elyse follows by sharing the “first” time she dated a younger man (hint: it’s now). Demi thinks it’s “so brave” of Elyse to admit her age (full disclosure--Elyse is only 31). Nicole confesses that this is the “first” time she’s ever dated a white guy. Hannah G. is not one for public speaking and reads straight from the page while reminding everyone about that time she got the “first” first impression rose. Onyeka decides to reminisce about interrupting Colton and Catherine’s time to announce she was saving him from “drowning in B*******!,” while Catherine follows to announce that she’s a good swimmer. The tension was palpable, even months later after editing and through my TV screen. Tracy discusses the “first” time she dated a virgin, which actually isn’t Colton for once. The final story teller is Demi and she is certain she will make the crowd fall in love with her. She describes meeting a cute guy at a party and wanting to kiss him and that she doesn’t want to wait any longer. Instead, she dramatically tosses her notes aside and runs down the stage steps to plant one on Colton in the front row. She truncates her performance by announcing that this is the story of how she got the “first” date rose. First rule of group dates, don’t talk about getting the group date rose. It’s looking like Demi didn’t read her manual.
Back at the house, it’s time for the ABC intern to ding-dong ditch a date card at the front door:
“Hannah B, true love is on the horizon.”
Hannah is elated, not only for the one-on-one date, but also because it’s her golden birthday tomorrow.
Meanwhile, the group date moves their party to City Club Los Angeles where they marvel at the beautiful view of downtown. To no one’s surprise, Demi is first to take Colton for a few minutes. She is wearing a lilac nightgown and soaks up Colton’s praise of her “bold move” during the date. Before rejoining the girls, she walks up the date rose and picks it up, trying to lay claim to the bud already. Second rule of group dates, don’t TOUCH the group date rose.
Colton sits with self-proclaimed cougar, Elyse. Ginger is growing on me and it sounds like Colton agrees, as he refers to her performance today as “sexy” multiple times. They discuss how age is relative and Colton admires her presence and confidence before playing tonsil hockey.
In the shadows, Tracy and Onyeka bitch about Demi and her audacity to touch the group date rose while Demi slouches on a booth and plays with ribbons on her nightgown. Tracy is determined that she needs to set Demi straight and let’s her know that the rose stunt bothered everyone. Demi says she understands, but later laughs about it and says haters gonna hate. Demi goes on to say that there is no advantage to being an older woman here (referring to Tracy who is all of 31 only!) and that she is confident that Colton will bestow the rose upon her youthful confidence.
Hannah G and Colton sit close and talk about their connection. She confides that as thrilled as she was to receive the first impression rose, she was disappointed to come back to earth and realize how many girls she is competing with. Colton encourages her to put the other women aside and focus only on their relationship. He says he has been thinking about her a lot and doesn’t want her paying attention to the others. They kiss against a window and Demi spies from a booth.
Colton and Nicole bond over their families. They are both very close to them and Nicole shares more about her twin brother with autism. Colton plugs his cystic fibrosis charity and appreciates Nicole’s courage in opening up about her twin. Nicole declares to the camera that she would propose right now and wouldn’t need a ring.
The group reconvenes and Colton decides to give the rose to someone that he “is excited for a future with.” Elyse is the lucky recipient and I cheered just for the sole fact that Demi didn’t get it. Demi is blindsided by the slight, especially since such an “old” contestant received the rose.
Colton and Hannah B.’s date starts in a cute little Jeep type vehicle (you can tell I really know my cars, right?) before driving out to the desert. In the car, Hannah shouts that it’s her birthday and Colton acts genuinely surprised. Their date activity is a horse ride and somehow it’s Alabama Hannah’s first time on an equine. They hold hands while they ride to their destination, the requisite hot tub, freshly pulled from storage and sprayed down with Clorox. Colton makes a toast to their day and invites Hannah to do the same. Now, everything I know about beauty pageants comes from Miss Congeniality and a few episodes of Toddlers and Tiaras so I don’t claim to be an expert, but Hannah B. had stage fright like no one I’ve ever seen. She stalls out and claims to not be able to think of anything. I mean, recite your senior quote! Pull out a Pinterest standby of “to love and laughter and hopefully happily ever after”! But nope, Hannah lands at “to this amazing day and roll tide.” Ouch.
Colton is unimpressed, but is hopeful that the trusty hot tub time machine will smooth things over. Instead, Hannah B. paws at his nose to remove an eyelash, smiles really, really big, and awkwardly looks everywhere else except for directly at Colton. The cringe from my couch was on another level, you guys.
The clock is ticking as evening approaching and Hannah’s rose is definitely in jeopardy. Colton is doubting this relationship and his intuition. They board the Queen Mary for a private dinner on the desk. I need to know if this is the same Queen Mary from The Parent Trap? Can someone please confirm or deny! I half expected their meal to be served by Martin and Chessy and Lindsay Lohan to be lurking in the kitchen. Colton toasts to taking chances and opening up and thankfully doesn’t let Hannah give a toast of her own this time around. Hannah thanks him for a good birthday (because, in case you forgot, it’s her birthday…). Colton dives right in and says he could sense something was off during their day and that Hannah B. was trying to be perfect. He thinks that’s a heavy burden to wear. I think he meant to say “bear,” but his abs give him a pass.
Hannah B. agrees with his observation and says she is not always comfortable expressing her emotions before changing the subject to ask “why are you a virgin?” (except, in her Alabama accent I heard “version”). Colton again says he “accidentally” ended up like this *eyeroll.* Listen, why can’t this guy just own his decision?! That’s one of my biggest problems with him thus far, either own that it was a moral decision or whatever it is to him, but for the love of Chris Harrison quit acting like he forgot to put sex in his daily planner! Instead, Colton says that initially the decision to wait until marriage was “engraved” in him (sounds like “ingrained” might have been less painful, but again, he’s the one with the chiseled bod and I’m just the English major), and then he just got too busy with football. Hannah buys this version of his “version-ity” and admits that she feels ashamed that she didn’t stick to her own commitment to be abstinent until marriage. Colton thanks her for vulnerability and gives her the date rose. They take in the view from the front of the ship Titanic-style before fireworks explode overhead. Hannah delights in her best birthday ever as they make out.
Ding Dong Date Card: Alex, Erica, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Kaitlyn, Courtney, Cassie, and Heather: I camp fight this feeling anymore.
Somewhere in the planning stages of this date, someone missed a zero on the budget. So they loaded up a cart at Costco with hot dogs, burgers, and Fritos before going ham on the arts and crafts section at Dollar Tree to create various outdoor games. To top it all off, they put up some shanty cabins in a park and collect quilts from Goodwill to furnish the cots. Tada -- welcome to Camp Bachelor!
Colton is grilling as the girls arrive, resulting in a “hot dad” comment from Caelynn. They kick off with some old-fashioned Red Rover and Duck Duck Goose before camp counselor Billy Eichner (comedian that I’ve never heard of) shows up to referee the real competition. Chris Harrison announces that the group will be broken into two teams in order to fight for the privilege of sleepaway camp. The losing team will head home while the winners get to stay and bunk under the stars.
There are three competitions in this Camp Bachelor Jamboree and both the red and yellow team are raring to score. Red teams gets the first W in the egg race/three-legged race before relinquishing their lead in the canoe race. The tie-breaker is the tug-o-war, with Colton in the middle. The red team huffs, puffs, and pulls their way to victory while the yellow teams slides into the mud in the middle. The red team celebrates with a shower of champagne and the bus heads back to the mansion with a dejected yellow team. The yellow team arrives at the mansion to confess their loss and tattle that this group date has turned into an overnight date for the winning red team. Demi is very concerned about the sleeping bag situation and everyone tosses the word “intimate” around until I never want to hear it again.
Back at the campfire, Heather debates owning up to her never been kissed status. Cassie encourages her to go for it, espousing that it’s something Colton should admire. During their fireside chat, Heather decides to shoot her shot. Colton is surprised (as is all of America, honestly), but assures her he would never think less of her and commends her for opening up. Caelynn and Colton discuss his charity and she confides that she was hospitalized as a child when she was 2 years old due to swelling in her brain.
Caelynn is extra bummed that her childhood hospitalization didn’t merit the group date rose, but Heather’s virgin lips really sealed the deal for Colton tonight. He walks the girls to their shack like a gentleman and they curl up on their cots. A fantasy suite, this is not.
The next time we see Colton it’s almost cocktail party time and he is lathering up in a shower with some serious water pressure. I could barely hear his monologue over the roar of the downpour. He arrives at the mansion and for once, Demi doesn’t get first dibs. Instead, Courtney takes him aside. She is the oldest in her family, at 23, and has a lot of experience taking care of her younger siblings (the youngest is 2!). She is ready to fall in love and have a family of her own. Sydney sits down with him on the backstep and ‘fesses up to cheating during the Camp Bachelor competition by sticking an oar in the red team’s canoe. Colton endearingly spouts one of my favorite phrases: if you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’! Onyeka, getting impatient for turn, interrupts their moment with a blow horn because she “likes to make an entrance and is feeling a little bit ‘horny.’” Say what you will about the interruption, O has some LINES and I am here for it.
Sydney say she’s not going to back down, so she goes in search of a wooden spoon to bang on a cookie sheet in retaliation. Onyeka says she’s not ready to give up Colton and spouts “you’re going to have to come back later.” Sydney hunts for a soup pot to trade the baking sheet for. While the kitchen runs dangerously low on cooking supplies, Caelynn muses, “are you trying to give us anxiety? Because we already have it!!” I’m liking Caelynn more and more, y’all!
Alex B. (the girl who had bronchitis on night 1 and should’ve been chugging vitamin C instead of champagne) takes an eyelash off of Colton’s face. He’s shedding them like dog hair this week! Tracy’s choice of a silky butter yellow dress makes me question her wardrobe stylist career, but let’s remember I’m the one on the couch in the OKC Thunder t-shirt and the Taylor Swift Reputation Tour sweatpants. Demi dons her bathrobe and interrupts Colton and Tracy in order to “show him something.” She leads him upstairs where she makes him lay down on her bed so she can give him a massage. The rest of the women watch them ascend the steps in horror and one notes “they probably aren’t going up there to play paper, rock, scissors!” Let’s take a moment and acknowledge that it is always ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS. Never in any other order please and thank you.
Despite her advanced age (according to Demi, not me!!), Tracy is in tears at being disrespected by the interruption and cries in her bunk-room. Demi finds her huddled on the floor and delivers a very invigorating yet very fake speech about how amazing Tracy is before bounding back downstairs with her white wine filled to the brim with cut fruit.
Chris Harrison sneaks in the side door and signals that it’s rose ceremony time!
Elyse, Hannah B., and Heather relax while Colton gifts roses to the following:
Tayshia
Cassie
Caelynn
Courtney
Demi
Nicole
Kirpa
Hannah G
Catherine
Bri
Sydney
Onyeka
Katie
Caitlyn
Nina
Tracy
Alex, Angelique, and Annie are all heading home because Colton doesn’t dig women with names that come before his in the alphabet.
Next week: shirtless Colton, smitten kittens, and Hannah B. unleashed the Kraken. ….ready for it?
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