Bachelor Recap Week 1: Has Beens Bounce Back
Hello blogger, my old friend.
If Arie can return to ABC after 5 years in Bachelor retirement then I decided I could return to the recap world after a year hiatus. Turns out you can teach old dogs the same tricks!
For those of you that don't know Arie from Emily Maynard's season...you can catch up on my Bachelorette recaps from 2012 when I first started recapping. On the right side of my profile select the 2012 drop down and the month of May. The season continued throughout the summer of 2012 and ultimately Arie lost to one f Jef. Which also didn't work out for Ms. Maynard but that's another story. According to Instagram she is now happily married with 87 kids and probably another one on the way.
ABC thoughtfully gives us a CliffsNotes version of Arie and Emily's romance which consists almost entirely of lip locks in European allies and a close up of Arie getting into the SUV of sorrow at the end.
In the 5 years since his season aired, Arie continues to be a professional race car driver. However, he must not be winning often since he's picked up a side gig as a real estate agent. He has also celebrated a few birthdays, including his most recent 36th, which is evidenced by numerous gray hairs.
We kick off the thirty, flirty, and thriving edition of the Bachelor with a visit from a few alumni. The Lowe family shows up to offer Uncle Arie some top notch advice. Samuel Lowe, the product of Catherine and Sean's union, makes his first ABC appearance and pockets the start of his college fund.
After hosing down the mansion driveway to get that first night sparkle just right, Chris Harrison delivers a pep talk along the lines of "Arie, why have you not found love? It's been 5 years since your last rodeo here. What's wrong with you?"
Arie says he's been missing what can be found here in this special scenario. After reading between the lines, I think he is referring to "helicopter rides," "free trips to the beach," and "the perpetually open bar." Basically, dating in the real world isn't working out on Arie's wallet (remember, he had to get that second job!) so he's back on ABC's dime.
Since night 1 is always a little bit of a cluster, let's meet a few of the most memorable ladies:
If Arie can return to ABC after 5 years in Bachelor retirement then I decided I could return to the recap world after a year hiatus. Turns out you can teach old dogs the same tricks!
For those of you that don't know Arie from Emily Maynard's season...you can catch up on my Bachelorette recaps from 2012 when I first started recapping. On the right side of my profile select the 2012 drop down and the month of May. The season continued throughout the summer of 2012 and ultimately Arie lost to one f Jef. Which also didn't work out for Ms. Maynard but that's another story. According to Instagram she is now happily married with 87 kids and probably another one on the way.
ABC thoughtfully gives us a CliffsNotes version of Arie and Emily's romance which consists almost entirely of lip locks in European allies and a close up of Arie getting into the SUV of sorrow at the end.
In the 5 years since his season aired, Arie continues to be a professional race car driver. However, he must not be winning often since he's picked up a side gig as a real estate agent. He has also celebrated a few birthdays, including his most recent 36th, which is evidenced by numerous gray hairs.
We kick off the thirty, flirty, and thriving edition of the Bachelor with a visit from a few alumni. The Lowe family shows up to offer Uncle Arie some top notch advice. Samuel Lowe, the product of Catherine and Sean's union, makes his first ABC appearance and pockets the start of his college fund.
After hosing down the mansion driveway to get that first night sparkle just right, Chris Harrison delivers a pep talk along the lines of "Arie, why have you not found love? It's been 5 years since your last rodeo here. What's wrong with you?"
Arie says he's been missing what can be found here in this special scenario. After reading between the lines, I think he is referring to "helicopter rides," "free trips to the beach," and "the perpetually open bar." Basically, dating in the real world isn't working out on Arie's wallet (remember, he had to get that second job!) so he's back on ABC's dime.
Since night 1 is always a little bit of a cluster, let's meet a few of the most memorable ladies:
- Chelsea. AKA the new Olivia. She is a single mom and I hope she never lets her kid watch this show because either mom is a bitch or she got a bad edit. I think it's the former...She wastes no time in grabbing Arie immediately for some one on one time. I don't fault her for that as someone has to go first, but I do fault her for then finding him again for Round 2 after several women had yet to chat with him. Conversation #2 ends with some serious frenching. We know it was serious because the mics were ALL. THE. WAY. UP. Her tongue earns her the first impression rose and the status as Bachelor Villain.
- Caroline is the first girl out of the limo, according to the edit. She debuts in a white dress, no doubt for Arie to have an easier time picturing her as his bride. She is also a realtor and makes an obvious pun about them being off the market at the end of this. As she walks into the mansion, Arie watches her
assand muses "I love that." She gets a rose. - Maquel the photographer shows up in a race car, takes a selfie with Arie, and receives the final rose of the evening.
- Nysha decided to skydive for her 30th birthday and is ready to take another leap (gag me with these puns). She's also a nurse and a sucker for a good gunshot wound (her words, not mine). No rose for Nysha.
- Tia from Weiner, Arkansas is a physical therapist and Raven Gates' bestie. You'll remember Raven from Nick's season and Bachelor in Paradise. Tia brings a little red weiner to her introduction and actually says the words "please don't tell me you already have one of these." I kid you not. She receives a rose.
- Kendall the taxidermy collector receives a rose. Probably because she hasn't told him that she collects dead stuffed animals.
- Marikh owns an Indian restaurant with her mother. She also has a mean right hook and tells Arie she is ready for more spice in her life. Salt and pepper to be precise. She gets a rose.
- Krystal works as a health and wellness coach in San Diego. She has a heart for the homeless because her little brother has been living on the streets for 2 years. She does NOT have a heart for Chelsea (see #1), because Chelsea interrupted her time with Arie. Krystal gets a rose.
- Seinne brings Arie elephant cuff links because an elephant never forgets. It works because she gets a rose.
- Bibiana says that Arie has her heart racing. Groan. Unfortunately, we'll be hearing more racing puns because she gets a rose.
- Brittane gets him a bumper sticker that says nice butt and proceeds to apply it to said area. They also have a race in two toy cars. The stakes? A kiss. He lets her win and she receives the first kiss of the evening and a rose.
- Jacqueline is a front runner in my opinion. She asks Arie why he came back and why he feels like it'll work this time. She gets a rose.
- Amber owns a spray tan company and her opening line is "I've seen a lot of d*** in my profession, I hope you aren't one." Needless to say, Amber goes home rose-less.
- Olivia saw him on Emily's season when she was 18...she's now 23. WHEN DID BACHELOR CONTESTANTS GET YOUNGER THAN ME?
- Lauren S. Lauren J. Lauren B. Lauren G. 3/4 of them are staying.
- Bekah is a nanny to a 15 month old. Bekah is also the only contestant without an age next to her name which raises a GIANT red flag. She shows up in a vintage vehicle that she may or may not have a license to operate and states she might be young, but she still appreciates the classic things in life. She asks Arie to list 3 things that make him excited to be alive. His are: excitement (excitement makes him excited to be alive?), pizza (same), and good company. Bekah's answers are: mountains, specifically how pine needles smell, that feeling when you like someone and you aren't sure if they like you back (I think this is called middle school), and sitting in the back of a vintage vehicle with Arie. Y'all, Bekah is a cutie, but I am legitimately concerned about this potential age gap. She toasts with a beverage that closely resembles sparkling cider after receiving a rose.
As the sun rises over Bachelor mansion, 8 women take a moment and say their goodbyes to their besties of 12 hours, while also making this face at Arie:
Coming up: everyone cries. Buy stock in Kleenex now because the ABC intern is about to STOCK UP!
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