Bachelor Recap Week Nine: We are SHOOK

Last week, our fair bachelor Colton had just sent Caelynn packing in a flood of tears (hers, not his) and requested a pow-wow with Chris Harrison. His remaining trio of ladies stand awkwardly in the foyer clutching their champagne glasses and twirling their hair extensions in nervous anticipation for the upcoming fantasy suites.

Colton and Harrison take up residence on the front porch. Colton doesn’t have a plan mapped out for losing his V-card, but if he is in love with someone then he can see it happening. After all, he’s been waiting for the opportunity to “make love” with someone all these years. Heaven help us, we are 3 minutes in and my ears are bleeding already.  

Feeling comfortably buoyed by Harrison’s listening ear and not at all bothered by my injured pair, Colton joins the ladies in the foyer. He has so much hope for where these three relationships can go and announces Algarve, Portugal as their next destination.

Cassie gazes at the ocean, hopeful it holds all the answers she needs. She is looking forward to taking her relationship deeper with Colton and figuring out her feelings #fingerscrossed.

Hannah G.is losing her fears and can see herself spending forever with Colton in a tight red crop top. Aaaaand that's the only air time Hannah G. gets this week.

Tayshia strolls the cobblestones in Portugal and waxes poetic about all of the trust she has been building with Colton since day one. She assumes Colton probably feels pressure for the fantasy suite, but she is ready to explore the physical side of their relationship. She’s lucky number one this week and is itching to spend the whole day with Colton. Intimacy is a big deal for her so she’s counting down to the evening.

Colton escorts her to their ride for the day -- a helicopter. Because they both love heights so much, remember? They marvel at the scenery below and Colton makes a cringey “extra virgin” joke in reference to how he drinks his cocktails. They arrive at Cabo San Vincent and the grounds of a regal lighthouse. Tayshia makes an A+ toast (take notes at home, Alabama Hannah) before not so artfully turning the conversation to “firsts.” She and Colton discuss how they’ve experienced so many firsts with each other in their relationship (bungee jumping, skydiving, etc). On that note, Tayshia wants to know “what else have you not done?” Nice segue to fantasy suites, production.

Instead of taking the bait, Colton simply states that he’s looking forward to intimate conversations with no distractions this evening. He grabs her hand and pulls her up the tiniest set of stairs to the lookout point. I needed to do some deep breathing exercises just watching them navigate the narrow hallway.

After working up an appetite in every possible way, it’s dinner time. Tayshia doesn’t want Colton to be nervous about the evening so she decides to wear her skimpiest romper to put him at ease. Evidently she also skimped on the boob tape because the girls are literally ON DISPLAY. Colton is not mad about it and thanks her for the flash for sharing her family with him last week.

In the interest of trust, Tayshia has a couple of truth bombs to share. First, she appreciates the importance of waiting to be physical in a relationship because she was a virgin as well until her first marriage. Second, truth and communication are cornerstones for her. A year and a half into her first marriage, her husband cheated on her. Through this ordeal, she learned her self-worth and what she values in a relationship.

Colton assures Tayshia that if it’s them at the end of this then she will never have to worry about that from him. But until then, he’s got two other women to make out with and/or possibly sleep with. Just saying.

Colton suavely slides the fantasy suite card out from under the table runner and hands it to Tayshia to read. The invitation is from Chris Harrison, but there is no possible way that’s his handwriting. I half-expected all of the “i”s to have hearts over them. Tayshia doesn’t quite give a clear answer, but the subsequent lip lock appears to speak for itself. They feed each other chocolate and exclaim over the candle lit bubble bath that awaits. Colton carefully pops open a champagne bottle that foams uncontrollably (foreshadowing? I’M SORRY I’M CRINGING AT MYSELF RIGHT NOW).

Colton pulls the shades across the windows, effectively shutting down the cameras for the evening. Tayshia giggles in the background.

The next morning, strategic camera shots capture birds in the sky and bees pollinating flowers. We get it, ABC. Tayshia and Colton quite possibly did the deed. They lounge in bed before diving into the room service breakfast because Tayshia is “starving.” Tayshia tells the camera the night was interesting. She picked up on Colton’s nerves and they ultimately didn’t have the physical intimacy she was hoping for. Colton tells the camera he just wasn’t ready to take that physical next step in their relationship, despite how cute her pajama pants are. So, Colton didn’t hit a homer, but I’m fairly certain he stole third.

Tayshia is understandably freaking out after Colton leaves. He’s spent this entire season talking about how he’s not ready to give up his V card until he is in love. Therefore, he’s not in love with her and all she can do is wait and see what happens.

Cassie is up next for her shot at getting into Colton’s pants. She hops into Colton’s old school rental car before cruising the Portugal freeways. Colton moves just about as quickly on the road as he does in the bedroom and a line of cars filled with frustrated locals forms behind them. Colton can’t be bothered and leans into Cassie’s snuggles from his driver's seat.

They reach a sidewalk cafe and toast to exploring Portugal and being in Europe together before actually diving in and eating the food in front of them!! Alert the media -- this is a Bachelor first. They peruse local shops and Colton suggests purchasing matching pajamas for the evening. Some local musicians catch their attention and Colton shows off his awkward dance moves. Deciding he’s made a big enough fool of himself, he leads Cassie down an alleyway for a steamy make out against the wall. It’s been done already, Colton. Thank u, next.

Colton is on cloud 9 billion. Spending time with Cassie is what he wants out of the rest of his life. He feels more himself around her than ever and she makes him feel complete. He’s always wanted to be in love the first time he has sex and thinks tonight could be what he has been looking forward to. Or he’ll scale a fence. We’ll see.

Unfortunately, Cassie is a closed book and Colton is completely in the dark on where she stands. They sit down to a rooftop picnic and recap Cassie’s Huntington Beach hometown. Cassie asks specifically about Colton’s conversation with her dad, Matt. Colton says it was challenging in the best ways and confesses that he did not receive Matt’s blessing for a proposal. Cassie is floored. She knows her dad has reservations about how quickly this show moves, but she left Huntington feeling like her dad trusted her to make the right decision. Now she’s confused. Cassie cares a lot about her family’s opinion and the fact that Matt wasn’t 100% sold on her with Colton is rocking her reality TV boat HARD.

They head back to their individual rooms to regroup before the evening portion of their date. Suddenly, Matt strolls into the hotel and knocks on Cassie’s door. She nearly loses it when she sees him standing there so Matt whips out his best dad joke and says he was just in the neighborhood. He’s here because he is concerned that an engagement is around the corner. Matt believes marriage should be a lifelong commitment and he can’t positively say that he witnessed Cassie in love last week. He asks again if she loves Colton and Cassie says “I think I do love him. Yeah.” I’m not convinced and neither is Matt. Cassie is stuck and wishes she could have more time. She isn’t ready to say goodbye to Colton, but accepting a proposal is terrifying.

Matt continues to mess with Cassie’s head by saying there shouldn’t be a hesitation in her mind. For example, he wasn’t looking for a relationship when he met Cassie’s mom, but they both knew immediately that they were right for each other. Here’s where I stopped agreeing with logical Matt. Sometimes it’s not an instant connection. I fundamentally believe that love is a choice and it isn’t something that you always immediately feel with a person. Do I think Cassie should be engaged to Colton if she’s unsure? Absolutely not. But does she need to break up with him right now because she’s not in love with him yet? Also nope.

Now that she has even less clarity than before, Cassie is ready to meet Colton this evening in her sparkliest and shortest dress and be 100% honest about her feelings. On the other hand, Colton is convinced that Cassie is the one. He can see their relationship working forever and feels his whole life has led up to this moment in Portugal. I wonder what Hannah G has been up to while Colton has been dreaming up names for his future children with Cassie…

Colton kicks the meal off with a toast and immediately wants to revisit the conversation about Cassie’s dad. He reiterates that Matt’s refusal to grant his blessing doesn’t change how Colton feels about Cassie. Cassie understands that part, but lets Colton know that Matt showed up in Portugal today. Visions of Matt’s blessing for a proposal dance in Colton’s head. Cassie crushes his dreams and announces that she has doubts and doesn’t want Colton to leave here not having what he came for. Colton panics and says leaving here engaged isn’t worth it if it’s not to the person he feels most strongly for.

Cassie twists the dagger just a lil bit deeper and says today was perfect and that she loves him so much. But she’s not in love with him. She can’t pinpoint why she is confused, but doesn’t know what she should do at this point. Colton sits in stunned silence before asking if Cassie planned on leaving tonight. She say yes and walks away, muttering “I didn’t know it was going to be this hard!” I mean the girl was just here for free booze and a free vacation, not a fiance!

Colton follows Cassie to the treeline and wraps her in a hug. He doesn’t want to lose her and says he will be patient with her. He leads her back to their couch to sit down. He is not asking her to make a decision about him tonight. He confesses that he can’t stop thinking about her all of the time and that it’s okay if their relationship isn’t ready for an engagement at the end. He doesn’t want her to put pressure on herself and begs her not to put a two week timeline on the rest of her life. Colton even goes so far as to say that he loves her and wants it to be her at the end. The man is literally SHAKING and his diamond-studded watch vibrates distractingly on his wrist.

Cassie wishes she knew if she could get to the same page that he is on. Colton is willing to give her time and space, but declares he won’t stop fighting for her. Truthfully, this is the first time all season that I’ve been attracted to Colton. Apparently brooding Colton is my type. He walks her out to the waiting vehicle where she says she wants him to be with someone who is insanely in love with him. Colton tells her that breaks his heart. He repeats that he wasn’t expecting her to know everything about how she feels right at this moment. They exchange I love yous before she climbs into the SUV so this is officially the weirdest break up of all time. Cassie immediately starts bawling in the car and continues to tug at her hair in distress. From the neck up this girl looks like she spent quality time in the fantasy suite, but Colton is definitely still a virgin.

As the SUV carting the love of his life drives toward the airport, Colton enters the fantasy suite, alone. From outside the closed door, the camera catches Colton's gentlemanly “f*** this,” before he bursts out of the front door. He trades his suit jacket for his wallet and punches a camera as he rockets down the stairs and into the night. He is a man on a mission: get the heck outta dodge. Chris Harrison puts down his mai tai and calls after him. Ignoring him, Colton jogs to the gate and climbs it in one take, disappearing on the other side. Harrison has never lost a Bachelor or Bachelorette before, but can’t climb the fence after him. He calls for someone to open the fence so he can go after Colton, but by the time the producers and cameras make it past the gate, they aren’t sure which direction their star has gone.

Our Bachelor is quite literally missing in action, but before we can track him down we need to spend this evening drowning in b!tches watching Women Tell All.