A Very Lucky Girl

All is quiet in Bachelor mansion land the morning following Alayah’s departure. Four women snuggle on the pool-side patio and hope to leave all of the drama behind this week. Chris Harrison steps outside to invite the ladies in for a biscuit brunch. He recognizes that the past few days have been interesting, but assures the remaining women that Peter is serious about this journey and seriously believes his wife is here. However, it’s time to pack up and meet Peter in beautiful, amazing, and exotic:  Cleveland, Ohio! Crickets.  The ladies struggle to get excited for this mid-western treasure, but dutifully repack their luggage. Hannah Ann fights to fit her Revolve wardrobe winnings into her two allocated suitcases.  Peter rejoices in the scenery change, especially since he’s in the birthplace of Superman! The fictional character of Clark Kent was born in Cleveland! Ohio’s tourism industry must be struggling, because this episode is clearly sponsored.  The women

Last week’s champagne-fueled fiasco paused on Kelsey boohooing in the bathroom. She’s now changed locations for her sob-fest and perches on the front porch instead. Hannah Ann is emotional in the back courtyard: “why would I steal champagne?” she squeaks out. Champagne-gate is still on.  Apparently Victoria P received the one-on-one date card sometime the night before, but all available cameras were occupied with Hannah Ann and Kelsey so we are expected to roll with this unexpected turn of events. Peter and Vicky P drive a vintage pick-up truck to an empty western apparel store in Peter’s hometown. They test the line dancing capability of a few pairs of boots, before selecting some cowboy hats to go with the fancy new footwear. They are ready to visit Peter’s local hangout: The Canyon. A live band performs and they join the dancing crowd before taking a breather to hit the bar where Victoria orders a white wine after adamantly declaring her love of reds during their truck ride

Let me set the scene for a moment. Picture a gritty theater in downtown Los Angeles. Now imagine a low-lit dressing room and add a whimpering girl in a glittering dress and a baffled ex-boyfriend. Welcome back to the Bachelor!  We pick up mid group date with Peter and Hannah’s dressing room pow-wow. Hannah’s running mascara has been touched up by a trusty makeup wipe from a producer’s emergency kit and Peter hits her with “you are the one who said no to me, I’ve never said no to you.” Hannah doesn’t deny this, but she continues to agonize over if she made the right decision as she let go of someone who didn’t hurt her heart. Peter wants someone who wants him and Hannah whispers “let’s go catch a flight” as they snuggle on the couch, Peter’s head resting somewhere in the vicinity of Hannah’s abdomen. Hannah asks for a hug, but ends up climbing into Peter’s lap instead and kissing his forehead. The star-crossed couple gaze into each other’s eyes until Peter breaks the spell with

ABC is evidently tired of hearing me whine about the Night 1 routine so they threw us a welcome curve-ball this season! Instead of hosting dumb live watch parties across the country or dragging out 17 promos of each contestant, we actually get a rose ceremony and the first 2.5 dates of this journey. My personal journey with the Bachelor franchise began during Jake Pavelka’s “On the Wings of Love” catastrophe, so please excuse any lingering bitterness from that traumatic experience. But Pilot Pete is not Jake the Snake, so please prepare for take-off!  Peter appears recovered from his Hannah B heartbreak and is the only available male from Hannah’s season that isn’t already dating Gigi Hadid (Hi, Tyler C.) or detoxing from Bachelor in Paradise. Promo footage begins with strategic, shirtless shots and cheesy flying innuendo as our premiering pilot fondles planes. ABC hired an intern specifically to watch Top Gun on repeat and then hit nearest Goodwill for Peter’s wardrobe (down t