Bachelorette Beast Recap Week 1: Words are Hard

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Hannah Beast is on the prowl to find the man who will choose her everyday and I. Am. Here. For. It. Last week, ABC invited all former Bachelorettes to Los Angeles in exchange for a small check and a guaranteed surge in Instagram followers. From Trista to Becca, the ladies chatted about the men they share (looking at you Emily & Becca #vroomvroom) and the families many of the women are creating. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison flexed his skills as a tour guide and directed a bus filled with fans around iconic LA Bachelor spots before inviting them inside Bachelor Mansion. I had serious FOMO as fans mingled in the infamous sunken living room with the likes of Ali Fedotowsky and Ashley Hebert -- how do I score an invite to the next one!?

Hannah Beast was filming her own season during this reunion so she could not take part for obvious reasons, but FINALLY Monday, May 13th was upon us and my Monday nights are void no longer.

First, we pick up where we left off in Tuscaloosa, Alabama during After the Final Rose. Hannah Beast receives a Facetime call from host extraordinaire, Chris Harrison, inviting her to be the next Bachelorette. She shouts the news to her parents and eagerly awaits Harrison’s arrival to kick off filming in her hometown. She awkwardly walks through a field of wheat, completely at a loss with what to do with her hands. Hannah Beast is all of us, really. She and Harrison stop and chat with locals on the main street who all say they are so proud of her. They talk through her history as a dancer and a pageant queen. Hannah Beast says she loves to perform, but often carries the feeling of not being good enough. Her biggest fear this season is falling in love with someone who isn’t authentic and real.

Katie and Demi, her besties from Colton’s season, visit Hannah as she’s getting ready to step onto the freshly hosed driveway. She’s picked out the dress with the most sequins and the highest slit, with just two thin straps of material in an “X” strapped across her left thigh to keep her goods from showing. She’s asking an awful lot of those straps as she sits and stands throughout the evening, letmetellya. She toasts to the men with a speech that she no doubt practiced for several hours with an ABC intern.

As usual, the first night is complete chaos so I will be discussing the multitude of suitors in order of their onscreen appearance, combined with their bios available online. It’s worth noting that these men apparently received GoPros with their Bachelorette acceptance mail as ABC mixes some amateur selfie footage into the introductory reels of various men packing their bags, talking to their dogs, and boarding their premium Southwest flights to California to start filming.

Tyler C is a general contractor from Jupiter, Florida and apparently enjoys shirtless dancing at his work sites when he isn’t shirtless boating with his dog. He shockingly keeps his shirt on throughout the evening and receives a rose for his efforts.

Chasen, 27, is a pilot from Ann Arbor, Michigan and an instant favorite of mine. He greets our Bachelorette with a paper airplane, but his failure to pull out all of the stops and dress in his full pilot regalia costs him a rose. My heart hurts as he exits with the sunrise and sincerely hopes Hannah finds a good man through tears. If Chasen isn’t invited to Paradise, I’m quitting the franchise.

Mike Johnson is former Air Force turned portfolio manager from San Antonio, Texas. His smile is HUGE so if he and Hannah were ever to procreate their kid would be ALL MOUTH. Mike rambles that he is excited to meet his bride to be, but first he needs to bring flowers to his first love -- his great grandmother. And all of Bachelor Nation collectively melted. The matriarch instructs Mike to make sure that Hannah is a happy lady before he brings her home. Mike introduces himself to Hannah with the 5 Cs that he lives by: character, charm, charisma, consistency, and compassion. Mike receives a rose.

Joe, 30, is The Box King from Chicago, Illinois and gives me strong Mattress King vibes. Remember Janice’s ex-husband from Friends? That’s the one. Joe comes from a large Italian family where evidently all of the little girls wear matching pink outfits. As his title might suggest, he owns a box company and will sell boxes of any size. He emphasizes his livelihood by jumping out of a box delivered to the damp Bachelor driveway by a forklift. As he leaps, he shouts “this package isn’t complete without you!” as packing peanuts rain down. Joe may know boxes, but he certainly doesn’t know how to dress himself -- we are most definitely NOT shipping the black shoes with a navy suit. Joe tells Hannah that she checks all of his boxes, yet she still sends him packing.

Matt Donald, 26, grew up in a deaf household and is a medical device salesman from Los Gatos, California. Both of his parents and siblings are deaf so he is proficient in sign language and signs with his parents about how excited he is to meet Hannah. He arrives at the mansion on a tractor singing a song about “Old Matt Donald” to the tune Old McDonald. Despite his memorable entrance, he does not receive a rose.

Connor J, 28, is a sales manager from Newport Beach, California and looks about six years younger than he actually is. He loves that he comes from a diverse family with grandparents that immigrated from China once upon a time. This same grandmother thinks it’s about time he has a family of his own. He greets Hannah in French, proving either that he is bilingual or has excellent memorization skills. Connor J, no doubt with strong encouragement from production, sets up a Bachelorette party for Hannah in the driveway, complete with balloons and games. One game in particular, appropriately dubbed “Junk in the Trunk,” involves strapping an empty tissue box filled with ping pong balls to one’s behind and then shaking one’s behind to dislodge the ping pong balls from the tissue box. I’ve been to a few Bachelorette parties and this is not popular activity. Nevertheless, Hannah is intrigued and Connor J receives a rose.

Luke P is an import/export manager from Gainesville, Georgia. I needed to google this job title to pinpoint the profession, but it’s literally exactly what it sounds like. Luke P is a handsome guy, but his big flaw is that he agrees that he’s a handsome guy. Instant turn off in my book. He is a self-proclaimed former womanizer, but found God in the shower one day and turned his life around. Listen, I think you can find God just about anywhere, but it sounds like the shower story was just an excuse to soap up on-screen a la Colton Underwood. Upon arriving at the mansion, Luke P climbs over the limo in “beast mode” before announcing that he is king of the jungle and wants to make Hannah his queen. This self-proclaimed jungle cat marks his territory quickly by being the first to snag time with Hannah. He shares that he recently became an uncle and now feels behind in finding a partner and starting a family. Hi, red flag!!! Anyone who looks at life events as a competition is not ready for the aforementioned life event. Luke’s sister in law actually signed him up for the Bachelorette and he never imagined he could actually catch such strong feelings for a stranger so quickly. I’m keeping an eye on this guy -- despite his chiseled features, he gives me “guard and protect your heart” Kasey vibes, especially when he is first to track down and comfort Hannah after her confrontation with another contestant (coming soon). So far, Hannah is into him though. She seeks out Luke P to offer him the first impression rose and awkwardly pins it on his lapel, losing a petal in the process. They make out by the fireplace and the suction is A LOT, especially on Lori’s projection screen. For a moment I wasn’t sure if I was watching the Bachelorette or a documentary on cannibalism #FacesAreFriendsNotFood.  

Garrett is a golf pro from Birmingham, Alabama. How pro is he, tho? Do we know? I didn’t see him in the recent Masters. His opening line out of the limo is that he wants to be her hole in one. Hannah is excited to see a friendly Alabama face and opts to keep him around for at least another week in the rose ceremony.

Jed is one of ten billion singer/songwriters from Nashville, Tennessee. His forehead is reminiscent of former contestant Ames Brown with the cranium of Jimmy Neutron. He serenades Hannah fireside and she is smitten. His singing stint secures a rose.

Dylan is a tech entrepreneur from San Diego, California and is head over heels for Hannah’s authenticity. It’s enough to get a rose.

Connor S, 24, is an investment analyst from Dallas, Texas. He first met Hannah on After the Final Rose and for their second meeting, he scales the Bachelor Mansion fence much to Hannah’s delight. His posture is impeccable and his athletic prowess earns him a rose AND the second kiss of the season.

Devin is a talent manager from Sherman Oaks, California. He makes a virgin joke that falls exceptionally flat yet still receives a rose.

John Paul Jones is from Lanham, Maryland. His name is John Paul Jones, his friends call him John Paul Jones, so he says Hannah can call him John Paul Jones. JPJ looks and acts like he is fresh off fraternity recruitment. As the night progresses, JPJ is most concerned about what he would tell his friends and family if he was sent home on the first night. He’s clearly a real treat, but still receives the final rose of the evening much to my chagrin.

Brian, 30, is a math teacher from Louisville, Kentucky. He giggles as he introduces himself, clearly completely out of his element and needing a word problem STAT. Hannah does a little arithmetic and determines that Brian + Hannah does not equal true love and sends him home to his students.

Scott, 28, is a software sales executive from Chicago, Illinois. His voice shakes as he introduces himself to Hannah, betraying his nerves. He later finds her and invites her to talk interior design and how they would decorate their future home. They appear to share the same taste, but there is more to Scott than meets the eye. Like his girlfriend back home, maybe? Demi and Katie have staked out the mansion in a kidnapper van equipped with cameras to spy on Hannah’s suitors. Demi has it on good authority that Scott was seeing this girlfriend as recent as Monday and has told this girlfriend that he will come home and take her on a trip when it’s all over. Harrison finds our Bachelorette and brings her to Demi and Katie who deliver the bad news about Scott. Hannah Beast is NOT pleased. She enters the mansion and beckons Scott with an ominous “we need to talk.” Scott asks if this is a good “let’s talk?” Hannah counters, “No, probably not.” Hannah doesn’t waste time and dives in with acknowledging his nerves earlier. You think that might be because you have girlfriend, Scott? Scott stutters that he had no idea how this was going to go so yeah, he did talk to a girl on Monday, but it doesn’t mean anything. Scott then tries to say that it’s really no different than her coming off of a relationship with Colton. Except that it is because she wasn’t sliding into Colton’s DMs 3 days ago. Hannah declares that he has no reason to be here if he isn’t serious about finding his wife so it’s time for Scott to GTFO. She steps quickly through the mansion leading him to the exit and Scott dawdles with his champagne glass so much so that Hannah has to harshly command “c’mon!” to hasten his departure. From inside the surveillance van Demi shouts, “get to steppin’ Scott!”

Matteo, a management consultant from Atlanta, Georgia, instantly forgets any speech he had prepared upon meeting Hannah. Sometimes it’s best to say nothing at all because he still receives a rose.

IT Consultant Daron’s entrance isn’t memorable whatsoever except for Hannah yelling “bye!” as he walks into the mansion. Her farewell isn’t foreshadowing, as Daron receives a rose.

Tyler G is a psychology student from Boca Raton, Florida. He greets Hannah by confessing that she’s starred in all his dreams since finding out she’s the Bachelorette. Freud might have a thing or two to say about this revelation. Hannah doesn't scare easy and gives Tyler G a rose.

Thomas is an international pro basketball player from Detroit, Michigan. He’s been traveling for the last 4 years and his journey continues as Hannah sends him to catch a flight home without a rose.

Matthew is a car bid spotter from Newport Beach, California. Is this an euphemism for car salesman? I need more information. Matthew eloquently addresses Hannah with a manly “look at you sparkling all over the place.” Hannah evidently appreciates his attention to fashion as Matthew receives a rose.

Joey is a finance manager from Bethesda, Maryland. He walks up to Hannah with a baby carrier hoisted over one forearm in an effort to give her a glimpse of their future. Hannah’s ovaries leap in her uterus before Joey whips out a champagne bottle instead of a baby with a “but first, let’s get this party started!” This additional bottle of bubbly earns Joey a rose.

Ryan, a roller boy from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania takes a cue from one-F-Jef on Emily Maynard’s season, and slides into the driveway on his roller skates. For a man who supposedly does this for a living, he’s surprisingly unsteady on his wheels. Hannah is unimpressed and Ryan rolls right out of the mansion after coming up empty-handed at the rose ceremony.

Hunter is a professional surfer from Westchester, California. He arrives at the mansion sans tie because he “wants to know if together we could tie the knot.” Hannah prefers her men to be able to dress themselves and sends Hunter home.

Grant, 30 and unemployed from San Clemente, California, stuffs a hot dog in his mouth and wields a bottle of mustard while commenting on what a sausage fest it will be inside the mansion. He’s off to a strong start. Either Hannah didn’t have a chance to learn about Grant’s occupation (or lack thereof) or she appreciates a man with a lot of free time on his hands. Either way, Grant gets a rose.

Jonathan, a server from Los Angeles, earns my immediate respect by arriving with a pizza and requesting Hannah to “have a pizza my heart.” Hannah obliges and happily selects a slice. I would like clarification on what Jonathan is serving -- the tea? looks? Meals at restaurants? Hannah serves Jonathan with a rose so here’s hoping we get more deets next week.

Kevin, a behavioral health specialist from Manteno, Illinois, carries an armful of footballs before dropping them at Hannah’s feet and spouting “well, I fumbled that introduction.” His occupation seems reason enough to keep him around to offer some insight into the craziness that is certain to ensue and Hannah’s mama didn’t raise a dummy. Kevin stays.

Luke S, Nick Viall's shorter stunt double, is a political consultant from DC. He first met Hannah on After the Final Rose and tells her she has a calming presence. They get a little bit of one on one time and it’s enough for him to secure a rose.

Dustin, 30, is a real estate broker from Chicago, Illinois. That’s it. That’s all I know.

Cam, 30, is in software sales in Austin, Texas. He was on After the Final Rose and actually received the VERY first rose that evening. He wears it on his left lapel and boasts that he has another lapel if Hannah feels like handing out a second bud. Just like his first entrance, he “spits some bars like Willy Wonka” (his words, not mine), before blowing rose petals in her face and declaring he’s here to find the love of his life, not 15 minutes of fame. He tells the camera that he lives by ABC -- Always Be Cammin’. He seeing energy and fun in a life partner and snags the first kiss of the season mid-conversation.

Peter, is also a pilot (like my boy, Chasen) from Westlake Village, California. He arrives in full pilot uniform and offers Hannah his second pair of wings. We are team Pilot Peter FOR SURE. Chasen says he lost words when he saw Peter walk in -- same, though. Peter tells Hannah he has the jet outside and is ready to leave with her. Aviation runs in his family and, like Hannah herself, Pilot Pete isn’t so good with the words. A camera catches him worrying that he could be on the cutting block tonight and a tiny piece of my English loving-heart crumbles at his mix-up of chopping and cutting.

22 men remain to vie for the title of Mr. Beast. The promo shows some epic countries and some outstandingly off-putting cry faces. It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Catch you next week!