This is the Last Time I Want to Write about Anyone Named Chad: Bachelorette Recap Episode 5

Episode 5 opens with a short synopsis of the previous episode so that we can all reminisce on JoJo telling Chad "I don't think anyone deserves someone like you." #sweetmemories.

When Chad's luggage disappears from the mansion, the rest of the guys break into cheers and start popping champagne. James T break out into song and the guys take the rest of Chad's protein powder and scatter it likes ashes. Chad, likely sensing the misuse of said protein powder, hikes through the woods and knocks on the door.

Forget your toothbrush, Chad? 

As Chad stands awkwardly in the entryway, Daniel stands off to the side and eats his EasyMac while Jordan makes one last attempt to clear the air and get an apology from Chad. No such luck. Evan asks for money for his ripped t-shirt (that probably didn't cost more than $10 from Target), but the luxury real estate market in Tulsa must not be too hot because Chad refuses. 

Ultimately, Chad leaves for good and the guys resume their celebration, complete with cupcakes and toting Alex the hero around on their shoulders. 

At the cocktail party, Robbie kisses JoJo by the fountain, much to the dismay to anyone who happened to be standing by the window. James F reads her a poem that he wrote. Luke reminisces on their date and describes the tempo of his heartbeat when she is near. Jordan shoves JoJo into a corner for a quickie. 

Rose Ceremony:

Luke, Jordan, and Alex already have roses. 

Derek.

Robbie.

Chase.

Wells.

Grant.

Vinny.

James T.

Evan.

RIP James F (should've hung on to that poem) and Daniel (whose occupation is "Canadian"). 

JoJo announces their trip to Uraguay in South American. I think ABC researched Groupon for the best travel deals. Evan packs up, suitcase far lighter without his ripped shirt that Chad still has not replaced. 

Ding Dong date card: Jordan, let's seal the date.

As they approach the dock, the former NFL player says "I've never been on a yacht" and the lies don't stop from there. They spend the day sailing and swimming with seals. At dinner Jordan admits he is falling in love with JoJo. JoJo met a girl who used to date Jordan and was told he wasn't a great boyfriend. She confronts him about the past relationship. Jordan starts chewing on his lip. JoJo mentions trust issues. Jordan picks up his beverage and gulps. He fluffs his hair and blames sports. JoJo point blank asks if there was cheating. Quick no from Jordan. He says he has nothing to hide and continues to chew his lip and look down. He decides this is a good time to mention his pastor in casual conversation. He continues to tell her what she wants to hear and gets a rose. 

Back at the hotel, the guys have spent the day in Vinny's makeshift barbershop reading gossip magazines. One in particular includes an article about JoJo's ex, in which he states that she is still in love with him and is only on the show for publicity reasons. Nobody likes reading this and they start to get a little grumbly. When JoJo returns from her date with Jordan the camera man gives her an opportunity to monologue about how happy she is before handing her the gossip mag in question. He says they need to address it since all of the guys have seen it. Cue waterworks. JoJo curses and cries and declares she hates him. Coinciendentally, ex's name is Chad. 

JoJo ends up speaking with the group about the article and vows she is here for the right reasons. Hugging ensues.

Ding dong group date card: Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex, I can't sand to be away from you.

The group gets a few good sand surfing runs in on the dunes before the storm rolls in. The evening portion of the date comes sooner than expected and the men discuss how awkward group dates are becoming as their feelings are growing stronger for JoJo. Luke steals her for some time right off the bat and follows up on the gossip magazine conversation by letting her know he believes in her intentions. James follows up with his own validation. Wells proposes a toast to the future and says he is done with Chads and recommends JoJo does the same. Alex talks to the camera about his ambition to get a group date rose. #dreambig

Unfortunately, Derek receives the group date rose with the words "I wanted to give this to someone who needs some reassurance."

Everyone shoots daggers at Derek. Alex then backtracks to the camera, "I didn't want the pity date rose" to justify not receiving the group date rose. 

Ding dong date card: Robbie, love is within our reach. 

Robbie and JoJo explore the town and try authentic Uraguayan cuisine. After having waiting the prescribed 30 minutes before entering the water again, they climb on some rocks before coming to a cliff above the ocean. Several "love is like jumping off a cliff" metaphors are exchanged, but they finally leap into the water. At dinner, Robbie shares that his best friend died last year in April and that caused him to make big changes in his life. He quit his job, moved to a new city, and ended a 3.5 year relationship. Then he announces that he's fallen in love with JoJo (this is their first official date for anyone else who is counting and panicking). JoJo thanks him. #oh.

Also, for those keeping score at home Jordan and Robbie have both made love professions thus far in the show. I am sure there will be more to come. 

A rainy rose ceremony arises. JoJo decides to forego the cocktail party and men without roses begin to sweat. 

Jordan, Robbie, Derek already hold roses. 

Luke. 

Chase.

Alex.

James.

Wells.

Vinny, Evan, and Grant leave rose-less. They all say that it really sucks. Next stop on our Bachelorette's tour of South America? Argentina!