September 2011, when I was feeling really discouraged about school and my pathetic life in general, my friend Nick introduced me to this song.
Proud by The Icarus Account. First off, this was a complete music change from my typical Katy Perry and Taylor Swift playlists. And secondly, the chorus completely hit home.
"The innocence we had could never last forever
And I look at what I learned to play today;
Do you think that I'll be famous someday?
When you see me now,
I hope I make you proud"
Because all I wanted to do was make people proud of me and I felt like I just kept disappointing them. I didn't know how to fix it.
Recently I've heard this refrain in my head, and it's bringing new thoughts that might be impossibly twisted. You tell me. I really struggle with pride. I like to be right, I like to be perfect, I like to have all the answers always. I hate to be wrong, I hate to make mistakes, I hate unknowns.
And pride has always been taught to me as a bad thing. Something to avoid. You know, "pride comes before a fall" and all that. Be humble instead.
So...when I strive to make someone proud, isn't that wishing to induce a wrongful feeling in someone? A backwards way of saying, "oh hey, fall down something steep!"?
I don't know. I'm working on figuring that out.
So for now, I remain A Very Lucky (albeit confused) Girl.