A Very Lucky Girl

Time to get the third week of this party started! If you missed week two, catch up here ! Mornings at Bachelor mansion consist of sunbathing, journaling, coffee, and sending snide side-eye across the pool. The girls discuss how difficult this journey already is as they are all dating the same guy. Chris Harrison strolls in with a shirt that wardrobe has matched perfectly to his sky-blue eyes. Swoon. He announces the schedule of two group dates and a single one-on-one date before dropping the first date card on the coffee table like a mic. “Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi, and Caelynn: I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure.” Caelynn and Hannah B. have some bad blood from their pageant history and aren’t looking forward to being on the same date. The chosen girls run onto the bus in their best Lululemon and Athleta gear before arriving at the Pirate’s Dinner Adventure in LA. Captain Colton is dressed in pirate gear and welcomes his wenches

In case you missed the premiere, you can catch up here . In brief, Colton sent home 6 women -- most notably a sloth. The season already tried (and failed) to be experimental with week one where they bounced between various watch parties hosted by franchise alum. In the same vein, they’ve provided Colton with his own personal GoPro so he can take shirtless videos from the comfort of his bed. It’s just as weird as it sounds. This week, we join the remaining smitten women in the infamous sunken living room where Chris Harrison drops off the first date card and then heads back to his trailer to catch up on his Tinder matches. FUN FACT: the Bachelor mansion is inhabited by a real family 10 months out of the year. When filming starts, it is emptied of all of the personal belongings and key rooms are re-painted in ONE SINGLE DAY. The displaced family then lives in a nearby hotel for the duration of filming -- on the network’s dime, of course (information courtesy of Amy Kaufman in

I should start by stating the obvious: I’m not here to make friends. My level of excitement for Colton Underwood's season is approximately a negative 700. My guess is that producers are hoping he’ll be Sean Lowe 2.0, what with the whole All-American blonde, blue eyed, V-card holding vibe he has. I was Team Banker Jason from Buffalo, NY for Bachelor, but nobody asked me. Despite my repeated grumblings about how annoying Colton would be as the Bachelor, I was still in front of the TV at our season kickoff viewing party at Lori’s house. We dined on taco salads (because NEW YEAR NEW ME) and settled in to poke fun at Colton’s litany of ladies and pop Skittles every time someone mentioned Colton's virginity. As with seasons past, night one is often somewhat of a cluster so I will recap based on each individual lady. ABC threw another wrench into my recap plans by making the premiere THREE HOURS LONG!? and featuring live looks at viewing parties in California, Utah, Michigan,