Wednesday, August 3, 2016

JoJo's Poor Life Decisions: Bachelorette Final Recap

We made it to the final episode! JoJo, Robby, and Jordan are all in Thailand and JoJo is faced with the decision: which former athlete does she want to spend the rest of her life with?
She calls in family reinforcements to ignore their advice help make her decision. 
I'm looking forward to what the brothers have to say, since they were oh so welcoming during Ben's hometown last season. Mama's face had some work done. Sister's face needs some of Mama's work. 
Jordan is up first to meet the fam and you'd think he'd shave for the occasion, or at least clean up the scruff. Instead, he is rocking a strange looking V on his chin. 
Mama takes Jordan aside and wants his word that he will never break her daughter's heart. He promises and I roll my eyes. When JoJo asks for mama's opinion, Mama offers that they are too much alike and trust issues would come into play. Her key argument? Of course I like Jordan, who doesn't like Jordan? 
My hand flew up. 
Jordan has QT with Mama and Dad and still doesn't manage to ask for JoJo's hand in marriage. RED FLAG. 
Robby gets the second meeting and his flowers win. So does his scruff. The brothers compare Jordan to a New year's eve date, and Robby to actual husband material. Robby promises to Jojo's parents that JoJo will be his biggest priority and he will build his life around her (it's easy because you can formerly competitively swim just about anywhere). 
He ends his conversation with them by asking for permission to marry Joelle Hannah Fletcher. Permission is granted. 
It is in this moment that I decide if I have to get on board with JoJo's terrible life decisions, then I choose to get on board with Robby. 
The family rehashes the visits and drops the bombshell that Jordan did not ask for permission to marry her. JoJo is shocked. Apparently, during their overnight, she made it clear to Jordan how important that was to her. RED FLAG.
Robby gets the first last date. They hang out on the beach, have a picnic, and straddle in the sand. He wears effeminate slippers for their cozy evening in the hotel room and they flip through pictures of their previous dates. 
JoJo sees a lifetime with Robby. 
Jordan is up next for a last date. They board a pirate ship-red flag-he's only after booty. They discuss JoJo's family and Jordan comments that her sister is a sweetheart. Who? ABC didn't even give her a name! JoJo confesses her disappointment that he didn't ask permission to marry her. Jordan makes excuses and essentially says that he needs to know that she loves him before he can tell her parents he wants to marry her. They spend nearly their entire date discussing his screw up. 
It's finally E-day! Engagment day. We open on a shower shot of Robby scrubadubbin for the big moment. He dresses up to meet the man himself, Neil Lane, before picking out a stunner of a ring. He then writes a note to JoJo celebrating this as the beginning of a new chapter. In the meantime, Jordan stretches on his balcony before asking Chris Harrison for JoJo's dad's phone number. He dials and finally asks permission to marry her. Permission is granted. I vom. He then saunters out to meet Neil Lane in his sweatpants and agonizes over which free ring to pick. He whines, "this isn't easy!" Yeah, it's even harder when you have to pay for it. He ultimately chooses a subpar ring. He also writes a note to JoJo, informing her of his chat with her parents this morning. This is his Hail Mary pass.  
JoJo reads both notes, cries, and I gulp my wine and miss Chase. 
There are shots of the gentleman getting ready for the big moment. Jordan suits up with some snazzy socks. Robby slips on his shoes sans socks. 
JoJo stands on the decorative platform that the ABC intern has spent all season creating. The first car arrives and we see a foot come out of the door. A SOCKED foot. 
WE CHEER! WOOHOO IT'S JORDAN HE'S A GONER!
ABC pans to his face. We groan in audible disappointment. It's Robby. That sucker put socks on in the car. 
Robby comes forward, certain he is about to be engaged. He talks about how much he loves her, but she eventually stops him with tears. She says it's not him. She woke up wanting it to be him, but it's not. Well, I woke up wanting it to be Chase, but we don't all get what we want, Joelle. 
Robby leaves in confusion. Jordan steps out of the second car and proposes and it's absolutely terrible. I give it until Christmas. 
On After the Final Rose, Robby and Chris Harrison chat. Harrison asks Robby, are you hurt? confused? frustrated? Disappointed? Personally, I am all of the above. Robby is only confused and disappointed. Jordan and JoJo come out and discuss the possibility of a 2017 wedding. He is moving to Dallas. Aaron Rodgers still isn't interested in attending their future wedding. 
My remaining questions: 
1. Who else is on board with Wells for Bachelor? Chase, Luke, and Robby would all be too boring. 
2. Does JoJo watch this back and wish she had the ring that Robby picked out instead? 

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Battle of Former Athletes: Bachelorette Recaps 7-9

Recap Episode 7:
If you remember, in episode 6, JoJo was allowed an extra rose to save her from deliberation between James T and Alex. In episode 7, James T and Alex go home. JoJo could have saved us all two hours of our life if she had made that decision in episode 6. All of America saw it coming: recap complete. 

Recap Episode 8: Hometowns!
Chase is up first. They sit on a mountain in Colorado and discuss his broken and imperfect family. He is a child of divorce, and thus it is difficult for him to throw the L word around like some former athletes on this show. He takes her to his cute little home and ding dong Dad arrives. Dad is adorable and tries to explain Chase's walls to JoJo. Chase tells Dad that he is ready to put his heart on the line. Next on the agenda-dinner at Mom's. Mom takes some time with JoJo to discuss how Chase is crazy about her and how it is far easier for him to express his love through actions rather than words. JoJo is still dying to hear the L bomb. They make out at the car before JoJo leaves and Chase says "I'mfallinginlovewithyouJoJo." Literally all one word. 

Next stop, California, home of the skinny jeans and Jordan's family. Jordan actually lives in Nashville, but his family is in Chico. Since Jordan peaked in high school, he takes her to his high school alma mater where they spend the day looking at yearbook photos on the wall. Jordan discusses how Aaron Rodgers has not been in touch with his family for the last year or two. I can't imagine this show is helping to mend that relationship, but that's just my two cents. Darla (Jordan's mom) thinks JoJo could be his destiny, but JoJo expresses her fear that Jordan won't love her forever. He adamantly tells her that he is ready to be engaged and to marry her. 

JoJo arrives in St. Augustine, Florida to be whisked away on a carriage ride with Robbie. They discuss his very recent relationship. Robbie desperately wants JoJo to tell him she loves him. So much so that he puts the word love in nearly every sentence. "Ever since I told you I loved you in Uruguay..." "My family is going to love you" "I just love you." Translation: love me back! As they head to his family's home, Robbie doesn't see how anything can possibly go wrong which means that something is about to go wrong. Robbie's family breaks out the multi-colored plastic wine glasses in honor of JoJo's arrival. Holly, Robbie's mom, talks with JoJo and JoJo confesses, "I haven't told anyone this yet, but I'm falling in love with him." Shhh, America will totally keep your secret. 
Holly reveals to Robbie that his ex's roommate has been spreading rumors that he applied to be on the show while he was still dating Hope (his ex) and that he broke up with said ex to be on said show. Let's chat Bach casting for a hot second. I'm not an expert so if someone has more info please enlighten me, but I'm 99% sure that you have to apply pretty early on in order to be considered for the show. Like months in advance. So I have a hunch that his ex's roommate is spreading truths. And if he was applying to be on the Bachelorette when he was dating Hope then he had no business to be dating Hope at the time. 
Either way, this rumor is something Robbie is determined to address with JoJo in order to nip it in the "butt." I swear he said butt and not bud. JoJo does not enjoy this conversation and pointly asks, "did you break up with Hope to come on the show?" Robbie counters that the relationship was over 9 months before it ended. That wasn't the question. JoJo drinks. Robbie says that they ended everything at the end of December after when they had a blow up fight and she slapped him. 
*****RED FLAG****** Why did she slap Robbie? Did she find his bachelorette application? 

Hometowns end in Burnet, Texas where Luke introduces JoJo to 50 of his closest friends and family. They cookout and play corn hole in the backyard. After mingling during the afternoon, Luke takes JoJo on a horseback ride to a cozy little hay bale set up that you know the ABC intern spent all day creating. Luke tells JoJo that his heart is hers, his heart is there, his heart is involved. But Luke does not say I love you. 

The rose ceremony takes place in an airport hangar which is very convenient for whichever gentleman leaves. If I am JoJo, the choice for fantasy suites is pretty easy. Chase because #teamchase, Luke because he's not a douche, and then she just needs to flip a coin on whether she's going to sleep with a former swimmer or a former NFL football player. 
JoJo, being JoJo, thinks she needs to say goodbye to Luke. At this point, I can't even. I am yelling at the TV. As she picks up a rose, Luke decides to call a huddle. Jordan is mad because that's his thing. Luke shares that he is in love with her. JoJo says, that's what I wanted to hear from you, and then proceeds to have a meltdown on the runway in a blue dress. 

Recap Episode 9: It's all Downhill from here
Despite JoJo telling Luke that he said what she needed to hear, she still sends him home. He is stunned. During the fantasy suite episode, she sends Chase home and now she must decide between a former swimmer and a former football player in the final episode. I can only hope that they both have present employment. 

Monday, July 4, 2016

Emergency Roses: Bachelorette Recap Episode Six

The group heads to Buenos Aires, Argentina and check into their respective hotels. JoJo sits on a park bench with Chris Harrison to discuss life, love, and other mysteries. "What if I fall in love with two people just like Ben?!" JoJo muses. Then all of America will hate you too. They talk about how this will be a turning point week. 
Chris lines out the week to the group of dudes. There will be three dates: group date, one on one date, and ANOTHER two on one date. JoJo is clearly determined to make Bachelorette history. 
Ding dong date card: Wells, besame besame muchacho. (for everyone else who took french in high school, besame means "kiss me" in spanish). JoJo is tired of waiting. 
Wells reveals to the guys that he is fairly sure he is the only guy who hasn't kissed her yet. Everyone looks around in dismay. 
JoJo walks in to take him on their date and chats with the group for a bit. Luke blurts out, "are you guys gonna kiss today?" The awkwardness in the room rises about 10 octaves. 
Wells and JoJo start their date a local market where there is no kissing, but he does buy her a bracelet.  They head to a local show, Fuerza Bruta. Wells continues to monologue about how he is looking for the right moment to kiss her. At this point, he is over thinking it and just needs to land one on the lips and move on. 
FINALLY, finally, as they swim in a suspended pool JoJo closes the gap between their faces and then celebrates the milestone. "WELLS WE DID IT!" That's a friend zone if I ever saw one. 
During their dinner date Wells shares about his past relationship. It was a long one, 4 years altogether, and it ended because they seemed only like best friends. There was no romance. You can see on JoJo's face that she isn't surprised to hear this. She picks up the rose, false hope swells for Wells, but ultimately JoJo has determined they have only built a friendship. He is an incredible human, but he is not her human. He can't have this rose, but he can have a flight back home on ABC's tab. 

Ding Dong date card: Luke, Robbie, Jordan, James, Alex: living la vida boca. 
The gang heads to the la boca district where it is clear that ABC is on a tight budget this season. In fact, I don't think I've seen a single helicopter yet. Here, the group organizes a game of soccer with the local neighborhood team. The guys have a penalty kick contest to kiss JoJo. James gets the goal and a small peck. 
The evening portion arrives and JoJo makes her rounds. She and Luke cuddle on a bench with CAR-AZY passion. Her words, not mine. Everything about you makes me want more of you-Luke. I love seeing you-JoJo. Gag-me. 
James uses his team with JoJo to discuss a side of Jordan that he feels she doesn't see. It apparently arose during a game of poker and Jordan appeared to act entitled. Now, I love James. But from years of watching this show I've learned it's best to mind your business and let the bad guy fall on his own face instead of tripping him. The tripper always ends up just as bad as the trippee, if not worse. 
In this case, JoJo thanks him for his honesty and then confronts Jordan about the altercation. Jordan says he doesn't know what entitled means. 
After their conversation, Jordan returns to the couch next to James. There is much swishing of beverages and tapping of toes. Tensions rise. 
JoJo offers the date rose to Luke, who accepts with grace. 

Ding dong date card: Derek and Chase, it takes two. 
On the way to their date, Derek is cocky, fully expecting to receive the date rose and turn this outing into a one on one. Again, being a veteran viewer, I have learned that typically the person who talks the most about getting the rose is the person who doesn't get it. I'm onto your editing techniques, ABC. #teamchase
They tango as a threesome and then head to an intimate dinner for three. Derek and JoJo takes some time together and Derek says he is absolutely falling for her. Chase and JoJo sit down together as well. he is scared. JoJo doesn't feel like Chase is reciprocating her strong feelings and reminds him she needs words of affirmation. He reminds her that she has 5 other boyfriends. Chase ends the conversation by stating he came here for her and he intends to leave with her. 
Back at the dinner table, JoJo makes a rose reach. Chase is the recipient. Derek watches the exchange before JoJo walks him down to the SUV of sorrow. There are tears. 
Afterward, JoJo and Chase sway to an Argentinian opera singer. 

The cocktail party is fairly uneventful, although each guy spends an inordinate amount of time talking about how important this week is. James and Alex are both feeling pretty nervous. 
Rose Ceremony: 
Luke and Chase already have roses. 
Robbie. 
Jordan. 
Looooooong pause. 
JoJo walks out. James and Alex exchange terrified looks, while JoJo seeks out Harrison to have a powwow. She can't hand out this final rose. 
She walks back into the ceremony and the ABC intern replaces the one rose with two. JoJo is now the Oprah of roses-everybody gets a rose!
Essentially, JoJo just procrastinated the tough decisions that she will have to make next week.  

Sunday, June 26, 2016

This is the Last Time I Want to Write about Anyone Named Chad: Bachelorette Recap Episode 5

Episode 5 opens with a short synopsis of the previous episode so that we can all reminisce on JoJo telling Chad "I don't think anyone deserves someone like you." #sweetmemories.
When Chad's luggage disappears from the mansion, the rest of the guys break into cheers and start popping champagne. James T break out into song and the guys take the rest of Chad's protein powder and scatter it likes ashes. Chad, likely sensing the misuse of said protein powder, hikes through the woods and knocks on the door.
Forget your toothbrush, Chad? 
As Chad stands awkwardly in the entryway, Daniel stands off to the side and eats his EasyMac while Jordan makes one last attempt to clear the air and get an apology from Chad. No such luck. Evan asks for money for his ripped t-shirt (that probably didn't cost more than $10 from Target), but the luxury real estate market in Tulsa must not be too hot because Chad refuses. 
Ultimately, Chad leaves for good and the guys resume their celebration, complete with cupcakes and toting Alex the hero around on their shoulders. 
At the cocktail party, Robbie kisses JoJo by the fountain, much to the dismay to anyone who happened to be standing by the window. James F reads her a poem that he wrote. Luke reminisces on their date and describes the tempo of his heartbeat when she is near. Jordan shoves JoJo into a corner for a quickie. 
Rose Ceremony:
Luke, Jordan, and Alex already have roses. 
Derek.
Robbie.
Chase.
Wells.
Grant.
Vinny.
James T.
Evan.

RIP James F (should've hung on to that poem) and Daniel (whose occupation is "Canadian"). 
JoJo announces their trip to Uraguay in South American. I think ABC researched Groupon for the best travel deals. Evan packs up, suitcase far lighter without his ripped shirt that Chad still has not replaced. 

Ding Dong date card: Jordan, let's seal the date.
As they approach the dock, the former NFL player says "I've never been on a yacht" and the lies don't stop from there. They spend the day sailing and swimming with seals. At dinner Jordan admits he is falling in love with JoJo. JoJo met a girl who used to date Jordan and was told he wasn't a great boyfriend. She confronts him about the past relationship. Jordan starts chewing on his lip. JoJo mentions trust issues. Jordan picks up his beverage and gulps. He fluffs his hair and blames sports. JoJo point blank asks if there was cheating. Quick no from Jordan. He says he has nothing to hide and continues to chew his lip and look down. He decides this is a good time to mention his pastor in casual conversation. He continues to tell her what she wants to hear and gets a rose. 

Back at the hotel, the guys have spent the day in Vinny's makeshift barbershop reading gossip magazines. One in particular includes an article about JoJo's ex, in which he states that she is still in love with him and is only on the show for publicity reasons. Nobody likes reading this and they start to get a little grumbly. When JoJo returns from her date with Jordan the camera man gives her an opportunity to monologue about how happy she is before handing her the gossip mag in question. He says they need to address it since all of the guys have seen it. Cue waterworks. JoJo curses and cries and declares she hates him. Coinciendentally, ex's name is Chad. 
JoJo ends up speaking with the group about the article and vows she is here for the right reasons. Hugging ensues.

Ding dong group date card: Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex, I can't sand to be away from you.
The group gets a few good sand surfing runs in on the dunes before the storm rolls in. The evening portion of the date comes sooner than expected and the men discuss how awkward group dates are becoming as their feelings are growing stronger for JoJo. Luke steals her for some time right off the bat and follows up on the gossip magazine conversation by letting her know he believes in her intentions. James follows up with his own validation. Wells proposes a toast to the future and says he is done with Chads and recommends JoJo does the same. Alex talks to the camera about his ambition to get a group date rose. #dreambig
Unfortunately, Derek receives the group date rose with the words "I wanted to give this to someone who needs some reassurance."
Everyone shoots daggers at Derek. Alex then backtracks to the camera, "I didn't want the pity date rose" to justify not receiving the group date rose. 

Ding dong date card: Robbie, love is within our reach. 
Robbie and JoJo explore the town and try authentic Uraguayan cuisine. After having waiting the prescribed 30 minutes before entering the water again, they climb on some rocks before coming to a cliff above the ocean. Several "love is like jumping off a cliff" metaphors are exchanged, but they finally leap into the water. At dinner, Robbie shares that his best friend died last year in April and that caused him to make big changes in his life. He quit his job, moved to a new city, and ended a 3.5 year relationship. Then he announces that he's fallen in love with JoJo (this is their first official date for anyone else who is counting and panicking). JoJo thanks him. #oh.

Also, for those keeping score at home Jordan and Robbie have both made love professions thus far in the show. I am sure there will be more to come. 

A rainy rose ceremony arises. JoJo decides to forego the cocktail party and men without roses begin to sweat. 
Jordan, Robbie, Derek already hold roses. 
Luke. 
Chase.
Alex.
James.
Wells.

Vinny, Evan, and Grant leave rose-less. They all say that it really sucks. Next stop on our Bachelorette's tour of South America? Argentina!

Saturday, June 11, 2016

The Parade of Losers: Bachelorette Recap Week Three Acts I & II

First, my apologies on the late post. It's been a week, to say the least. I've begun to wonder if this show is really about JoJo finding love or if it's a cover for Chad to get beefed up for UFC fighting. I'll bet big bucks that he's on Bachelor in Paradise unless ABC insurance ramps up after the threats of violence this season.
Week three opens with the spotlight on Chad's leftovers hanging around the house. All of the guys bemoan the fact that Chad didn't get booted. Chad and Daniel discuss getting their work out in. "Eh, back and abs today? Let's do some babs." #twerkout. As Chad measures out his protein powder he muses "so 240 plus 280..that's 550." I feel like a luxury real estate agent should have better math skills. You wouldn't want to lose track of the zeros on the end of a listing price.
Chris Harrison walks in. There will be three dates this week: two one on ones and a group date.
Date Card: Chase, let's get physical.
Bowchickawowow! Chase literally came out of nowhere. I did not notice him one bit on night one but he is certainly a strong contender and I am definitely #teamchase. Their date begins in a yoga studio where it's approximately 110 degrees and Chase hopes he wore enough deodorant. Their yoga instructor asks how long they've been intimate and proceeds to show them their warm up exercise: thrusting their hips to the sky on a yoga mat while grunting and then flailing around while screaming. The instructor calls it an anger-gasm. I called it awkward. But it got worse. They are then introduced to a move called yimyang or yingyam which is essentially JoJo straddling Chase and being nose to nose. They last about 5 second before kissing and the instructors make themselves scarce. Chase is now a big fan of yoga and straddling on the first date and JoJo thinks straddling is a solid foundation for love.
They have dinner and discuss serious topics. Chase is a child of divorce and marriage for him is a one and done situation. #teamchase. He comments that the thought of getting engaged is scary. Has anyone told him he could be popping the question in 5 short weeks?
Chase gets a rose and the private concert we knew would be coming at some point this season finally arrives. Does anybody know who Charles Kelly is? Nah?

Back at the house, Daniel and Chad work out and encourage each other. Evan (E-money) comments that if they don't find love with JoJo they can ride off into the sunset together.
Ding dong date card: Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad: love has no secrets.
Chad immediately says he doesn't want to go and everybody gapes at him. He says he doesn't want to go on a date with 12 guys (he would prefer a one on one with Daniel, obviously). Jordan counters, "do you think JoJo would want to spend a whole date with you on a one and one?" Chad calls him a 27 year old failed football player. I hide behind my pillow because the tension is THAT STRONG. E-money assures Chad that they can just cross his name off and the 4 guys who weren't on that date card remind him to be thankful of the time he gets. Heated words are exchanged. Drinks are sipped. The tension that I thought was at an all-time high breaks another barrier.
For the group date, they arrive at a theater for Sex Talks: A Storyteling Show. A lady breathes heavily on the stage. I get more uncomfortable. JoJo informs the guys that they will each have to go on stage and tell something about their sexual past. She thinks talking about sex is important (I think maybe not on the first date?!?!) and clearly wants to know what these guys are into. I guess if there's a foot fetish it would be best to get it out in the open now. Evan beams. As an eretcile dysfunction specialist/youth minister, he talks about sex daily.
Chad is mad. He rants that none of this is any of JoJo's business and he doesn't want to talk about his sexual past. Perhaps because he doesn't have one since all of his exes have restraining orders on him after date two.
Evan plots to incorporate Chad into his story to expose him for the ass that he is. Evan has a death wish.
The stories are told and there are cops involved, knifes, rope, threesomes, etc. 
Evan is up. He tells a story of the dangers of using steroids. Everyone feels Chad's anger coming off of him in waves. When Evan goes to sit down, Chad passes him and then turns around, grabs the back of Evan's shirt, and rips it toward him. 'Roid rage, man.
Chad is up next. He asks JoJo to be his volunteer for his bit and makes a speech that this is about the future and not the past and tries to plant one on her lips in front of the entire group. She turns her head and he lands on cheek.
Unhappy with how his performance turned out, Chad punches a metal door backstage and his knuckles start bleeding.
On that note, let's turn to the evening portion of this debacle of a group date. JoJo spends time with each of the men. During a conversation with Nick and JoJo, Chad walks up to steal her. JoJo counters that Nick has only been here a few minutes and that Chad should wait his turn. Chad camps out 7 feet away and looks at his watch. Nick and JoJo exchange awkward glances.
Vinny pokes the bear by making conversation with Chad about that time he tried to kiss JoJo and she rejected him: approximately 2 hours ago. Chad starts to spin a story of how Evan plowed into him and pushed him over, which resulted in the ripped shirt on Evan's body. Evan demands an apology and a new shirt. Chad compromises by labeling Evan a bully and commands him to quit working out and cooking at the same time as him.
The group date drags on. Finally, Evan issues an ultimatum to JoJo: if you keep Chad, I'm leaving. I recommend she dump both, but JoJo chooses to give the date rose to Evan (which still effectively keeps Chad around until at the least the next rose ceremony so Evan didn't really think this through).
Chad's face when he sees Evan with the date rose is priceless. JoJo picks up on his WTF expression and asks him if he has a problem. Chad nags, "is this a real scenario right now? You're actually vibing this dude?"
Are you actually using "vibing" as a verb, Chad?
Jojo is not having it. She deems him disrespectful and comments that she doesn't like this side of him.
The rest of the group sits around in awkwardness for the 11th time that day. After hearing Chad's monologue that he'd like to rip everyone on this date apart with this bare hands, ABC hires a security guard for the Bachelor mansion.

Ding dong date card: James T, Let's kick it old school! James and JoJo head out for some swing dancing. James is not a dancer, but then again neither am I unless there's been an excessive amount of vodka and/or tequila consumed. JoJo's mission on this date is to see if they can move beyond the friend zone. My mission is to find out where she purchased the adorable polka-dot dress. James T ultimately gets a rose on this date and whips out his guitar for the occasion.

Back at the mansion, Chad and Daniel discuss why there is a security guard in the house. Daniel recommends Chad cool his jets and use logic and reason, dude. Throughout the course of this conversation, I thought Chad was chewing on a corn dog. Turns out, it's a sweet potato. But he's eating it like a hot dog. He follows it up with a leafy green chunk of lettuce. Daniel continues to discuss Chad's rage and compares their relationship to Daniel hanging out with Hitler. It ultimately looks bad on Daniel. This is essentially their break up conversation.

Chris Harrison shows up with good news and bad news. The bad news: there will be no cocktail party tonight. When JoJo arrives tonight, it's straight to rose ceremony do not pass go or collect 200 dollars. The good news: she will be at the mansion in about 5 minutes for a pool party. Every guy immediately starts picturing JoJo in a bikini.

Before Harrison departs, Evan talks with him about how volatile Chad is. Harrison nods in concern and pulls Chad aside to settle things. Chad continues to play victim, but tells Papa Harrison he will make it right.
As he storms back into the house, clenching his glass of green juice, ABC informs us this episode will be continued.

Chad's apology weirdly does not contain any semblance of the words "I'm sorry" and he ends the conversation by saying he hasn't gone out of his way to attack anyone in the house. This much is true, it simply comes naturally to him with no effort required.
JoJo shows up for the pool party. They take shots, they chicken fight,  and Evan gets a nosebleed from diving in to the pool. JoJo and Chad take a few minutes to discuss his attitude from the group date evening. Chad doesn't explain himself well (blame it on the steroids) and ends up taking about ice cream and steak.
JoJo sits with Derek and asks why there's a security guy in the house. Derek is honest with her about the Chad situation, but unfortunately for him Chad is a lurker and corners him in the house later to yell and shake his fist. I am sad that Chad is representing Oklahoma.
Rose ceremony time:
Grant.
Derek.
Jordan.
Luke.
Robby.
Wells.
James F.
Vinny.
Alex.
Daniel.
....................
Chad.

Ali, Nick, and Christian depart the mansion and JoJo announces that the remaining men should all pack their bags for an unknown destination. I'm wondering if the security guard is packing his bags also.
Guys, I am so tired of writing about Chad. 
They end up in Pennsylvania, a far cry from the exotic beach locale I was expecting. There are three dates. Luke gets a one on one date rose. Jordan gets the group date rose. Alex and Chad attend the two on one date. Anyone else seeing the resemblance between Alex and Schmidt from New Girl? Chad FINALLY gets the boot. 
And we all get a break to recover from the two episodes as Harrison informs us that next week is an off week for JoJo and her tribe. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

i'm just here for the free food: Bachelorette Recap Week Two

I have a lot of questions. First, how is it week 2 already? Second, how is it June? Before we know it we are going to be watching Bachelor in Paradise and I'd bet my dog that Chad will be there unless anyone takes out a restraining order on him first. But I'm getting ahead of myself. 
Episode two opens with JoJo gazing out at the scenery on her balcony comparing this to a fairytale, except that she has 20 Prince Charmings to choose from. 
The dudes hang out in the living room after brunch and toast mimosas. Chad chants: "to a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, f*** you guys, I'm going to make her my wife." Update: Chad is still an ass. 
The first date card arrives! Evan scoops it up and reads, "Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, Robby: let's heat things up."
A flaming limo arrives in the driveway and starts exploding from the heat. I am genuinely concerned that somebody is going to have to be a hero if JoJo is in that limo. Thankfully, she comes roaring around the corner in the firetruck and sprays down the flames with muddy water. She passes around hugs before she takes off with her first group date. 
As he watches them go, Chad declares the group date her "B squad" and reminisces on his days as a car salesman. Somehow, I'm not surprised with his work history. 
Since he has so much free time on his hands, Chad commits to his workout routine and proceeds to strap on a weight belt and do pull ups with his suitcase (packed with protein powder) dangling from his waist. 
The rest of the guys judge from the window holding various beverages. 
Meanwhile, on the group date, they pull up to a fire academy and find out there will be a  competition. Winner wins extra time with JoJo. Grant, the firefighter, is like HOLLA I do this for a living! There is a lot of dripping sweat. Wells almost dies and gets told to sit down to the side. He wins extra time with JoJo for nearly passing out. In the end, Grant and Luke battle it out and Grant pulls out the win. JoJo says "you did so good!" Grant thinks back to last week when he did the exact same thing at his place of employment and got paid for it. 
The evening portion of the group date is fairly uneventful. Grant gets a kiss. Wells and JoJo laugh a lot. He whips out pictures of his dog, Carl. Evan lets us know he has kids. Luke and JoJo kiss on a balcony. Wells gets the date rose.
Back at the house, Pitch Perfect 3 is being filmed as the guys sit around and sing a song about missing JoJo. Chad does not join in. The second date card arrives: "Derek, love is full of choices."
The first choice on their date is "sky or sea." They pick sky. Which takes them to an airport where they choose "north or south" North. A private jet flies them to San Fransisco where Derek muses that he has never been on a date like this before. Neither has 99.9% of the population. Their final choice: "Lombard Street or Golden Gate Bridge." They have a picnic near Golden Gate Bridge and a first kiss. Derek says he feels fireworks whenever he looks into her eyes. I vomit a little bit in my mouth. 
Their date continues with dinner, JoJo's sparkly dress nearly blinds me, and they discuss their past relationships. They talk about being open and being closed. Derek gets a rose. 
At the mansion, Chad and Daniel sit around in bro tanks and bond about being douchenozzles. Chad declares the nice guys to be assholes. They evil laugh together and discuss protein shakes. The final date card of the week arrives: "Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex, Chad: prove your love to me and to the nation." Chad nods his head in approval and consoles the dateless dudes with "you've lasted your whole life not seeing JoJo, you'll live a few more days." 
The group date is in Hollywood at ESPN for an episode of BachelorNation (instead of SportsNation). First category: strike a rose! The guys must perform their best or most creative touchdown dance. Second category: eye on the prize! After spinning around with their heads on a baseball bat, each gentleman must propose to JoJo. Most of the men are fairly eloquent, but Chad opts for a simple almost-ass-grab and "will you marry me?" The judges are not impressed and JoJo lets him know she is a "words of affirmation" girl. Chad calls her naggy. The tension in the room rises. Third category: press conference. The guys answer a few questions. One of them, "who should JoJo not pick today and why?" is answered almost unanimously with "Chad." Chad defends himself by saying he chose not to gush today because he doesn't really know JoJo yet and cites again that he is financially ready to settle down. JoJo somehow appreciates his honesty. The power rankings are in and James T, Chad, and Alex come in top three. At the evening portion of the date, James T reads something he wrote to JoJo and she cries and kisses him. It's actually really adorable. Alex and JoJo jump up into a giant chair that only accentuates Alex's lack of height for their one on one time. Chad and JoJo talk. He tells her he's been too busy working the past 4 years to date and that his mom passed away 6 months ago. They kiss at a wishing well. Chad starts to develop feelings for JoJo. 
Let's chat about Chad. Yes, he is absolutely an ass. I think that SOMEHOW he might mean well. He obviously lacks the social skills he needs to get ahead in life, but there is SOME truth behind what he says. He truly did not know JoJo well and didn't feel it was right to gush about her when he doesn't feel he knows what she is all about yet. I can somewhat respect that. 
The group date rose goes to James T. I heart James. Chad broods over JoJo's decision in the shadows. 
At the start of the cocktail party the following evening, Chad hangs around near the door until JoJo arrives to get a few minutes of time. He greets her with a wineglass and they talk. Once they walk in together, everybody panics. Alex gathers Chad for a pow wow and multiple men interrogate him. Chad breaks away from the pow wow to fill his plate with food. I did not realize until THIS SEASON how much food is available at the cocktail party. Chad fills his plate about 6-10 times. He is chewing in nearly every camera shot and drops lunch meat on the floor multiple times. Grant comments that Chad has consumed enough food tonight to feed a kindergarden classroom. Maybe even 5th grade. Chase and JoJo have a mini date complete with falling snow from the sky thanks to the ABC intern. Wells and JoJo TP the front of the mansion. Alex and JoJo get a minute alone and Chad breaks in. 
Alex is an angry elf and gathers the troops to confront Chad. Chad chews his food and walks back inside to go another round at the buffet table. Alex calls him a meltdown. I'm not quite sure what that is. 
Chris Harrison tap tap taps his glass and it's rose ceremony time. 
Chad walks into the rose ceremony chowing down on a sandwich. JoJo walks in. Chad takes a bite out of rolled up piece of lunch meat. He chews as JoJo makes her first choice. Alex. Chad giggles. Christian is next. Chad isn't really sure who Christian is. 
Robby. 
Luke. 
Chase. 
Jordan. 
Grant.
Ali. 
Daniel. 
James F. 
Nick. 
Vinny. 
Evan. 
Final rose. Chad adjusts his tie and smirks. 
Chad. 

James the super fan goes home to watch the rest of the season from his couch. Brendan the hipster goes back to his succulents and Will goes home to his Texas ranch. 

Top contenders: James T, Derek, Luke. 

Previews for next week: IT'S A TWO NIGHT EIPSODE EVENT? This show will be the death of me. It looks like Chad continues to eat. There is a lot of name calling and a lot of blood. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Everyone is Hammered: Bachelorette Recap Week 1

***taps mic repeatedly*** Is this thing on?
I'm going to be honest. It took me about 3 tries to log into this account considering I haven't been on since March 1, 2015. And I'm here for one reason and one reason only (for now). JoJo's season of the bachelorette is going to be worth blogging. 
I was not impressed by the head shots that ABC provided prior to the season, but 20 minutes into watching the first episode on Tuesday evening on Hulu (which will be my typical viewing night because the Arceneaux-Powell household doesn't get ABC), I texted my friend Carra. She is probably the biggest fan of my previous Bachelor/ette recaps and I need to test the reading waters. Once I discovered I'd have at least two readers (her and her mom), I was in. 
First, some ground rules. 

  1. As previously mentioned, I don't get to watch the Monday episodes so I'll be catching up on Tuesday evenings and hope to be posting a recap on Wednesday. Thursday at the latest. 
  2. I haven't done this blogging thing in almost 15 months. Bear with me. 
  3. Hold me accountable for seeing this through to the end of the season! I think it will be fun. 
Ready, set, RECAP!
JoJo is a unicorn. Literally. If you remember, she introduced herself to Ben last season wearing a unicorn mask. Also, she is probably the most gorgeous female in the continental United States and I have a serious girl crush. Remember that she was the one whispering to Ben on the bathroom floor in the final episode of his season. JoJo is a 90s baby--just barely. December 1990, which makes her 25 and makes me feel about 12. JoJo is ready to find love after being dumped by Ben on national television just a few short months prior. Her recovery is truly inspirational and probably fueled by copious amounts of champagne and jet rides compliments of ABC. 
She arrives at Bachelor Mansion in a shimmery gold dress and says "bring on the men!"
Chris Harrison does as he is told. 
Night 1 is always a blur of names and faces and weird costumes and I don't bother to remember them all because half of them don't stick around for much longer anyway. I would love to know how JoJo remembers names for Night 1 after introductions. Maybe she and Harrison do flashcards right up until the first limo arrives. 
Regardless, JoJo effortlessly greets each guy and welcomes them to the land of testosterone and free fireball. There's a guy in a kilt. A guy in a Santa suit. A guy with an acapella group. A guy on a motorcycle. And a guy who actually rides up to the mansion on a horse with a stick stuck to its head like a unicorn. 
Once inside, the cocktail party begins. Emphasis on the cock. 
Evan, former youth minister turned erectile dysfunction specialist (what????), spends most of the evening scoping out his competition. Watch out for that one at the urinal, fellas. Evan receives a rose. 
Daniel, from Canada, does not make the best impression. His introduction to JoJo begins with "daaaaaamn JoJo" in an effort to mimic the YouTube sensation "daaaaamn daniel." Unfortunately, JoJo doesn't Internet much and Daniel spends an awkward 5 minutes trying to explain it as she smiles politely and tries to remember where the hell Vancouver, Canada is on a map. Daniel gets increasingly drunk as the night wears on, and we overhear him listing off his libations to another guy. "Yeah, so 3 beers, 2 shots of fireball, ..." Canada goes hard? Under the influence, Daniel begins to get to know the other guys by poking them all in their belly buttons. Not kidding. Daniel spends the evening walking around poking grown men in the bellybutton. Everyone else wonders if this is a Canadian greeting. Daniel caps off his night by stripping down to his underwear and diving into the Bachelor pool. Somehow, Daniel receives a rose. 
James sings to JoJo when he steps out of the limo and makes a connection with her based on their Texas roots. She deems him a gentleman and suddenly develops a Texan accent every time they have a conversation. James Taylor receives a rose. 
Chad is an ass. Chad begins his conversation with JoJo by informing her that since he is now financially comfortable he is ready to pursue love. Translation: I have loads of money and use it in conversation because I am really insecure in my personality. Chad's ass receives a rose.  
Jordan Rodgers (former NFL player that neither I NOR Tanner has ever heard of) receives the first impression rose for his kissing skills. Instant chemistry, top contender in my book. But, as the astute Bachelor Superfan points out to the rest of the guys "Olivia got the first impression rose last season and got left on an island." Point for Superfan. 
Vinny stares down JoJo in the rose ceremony until she decides she doesn't want to die tonight and calls his name for a rose. 
The most dramatic part of the entire episode was when a stray limo pulled up to the mansion just before the Rose Ceremony. Jake Pavelka steps out and my jaw drops. How did he get past security? Where is Harrison? HOW IS THIS HAPPENING? The guys whisper amongst themselves and Bachelor Superfan fills them in on Jake the Snake's past. Everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief when it's discovered that Jake is there as a "big brother" to JoJo to give her advice as she takes on this role of Bachelorette. She listens and nods and then promptly forgets everything he says because he's still single so how did this work for him again? 
Notable people that did not receive a rose: a gentleman from a rival staffing firm in Chicago that will not be named but who I did most certainly look up on LinkedIn. A guy in a kilt that walks himself out of the mansion just as the sun is coming up. He says this really sucks. It probably sucks more since he wore a kilt. 

Top contenders: 

  1. Jordan
  2. Luke
  3. James
Questions I have going into next week:

  1.  How bad was Daniel's hangover?
  2. Is the acapella group going to stay for the entire season?
  3. What happened to the horse/unicorn?