Wednesday, January 11, 2017

2nd Episode, 2nd Base: Bachelor Recap Week Two

Week two opens with the woman toasting with mimosas mere hours after the longest night of their lives. I wish they would've shared. I learned far too late into this episode that an entire bottle of wine would've gone a long way to making it more bearable. #allthecringing
Chris Harrison swoops into the estrogen-infested living room to inform the 22 women remaining that there will be two group dates and a one on one date this week. He grabs his paycheck on his way out the door. Spoiler alert: we won't be seeing him again until next week. 

ding dong date card! Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Haley, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor, Elizabeth W.: Always a bridesmaid...
Corinne raises the 56th red flag by announcing that she has never been a bridesmaid. Probably because she alienates any women that may have considered it. The women, with their perfectly coiffed hair, hop into 3 blue sports cars and follow google maps to the designated location (cursing Harrison for the convertibles the whole way). Upon arrival, they jog en masse into the backyard of a mansion where Nick informs the group that they will be taking wedding photos. When Tanner and I took our engagement photos I had to practically bribe him with shots of fireball to get him to relax and smile so the fact that Nick chose this as a date is a bit disturbing. The women are assigned bride personas and ushered into hair and makeup. Corinne, "beach bride," dons a sheer white cover up over her white bikini bottoms and string bikini top. She flaunts around the dressing room, scoffing at the more modest princess bride and 80s bride costume. Alexis, better known as shark girl, is "shotgun bride" in her pregnant bride costume. Corinne's confidence is shaken when Brittany is assigned "Eve" and dons a leafy swimsuit bottom. That's it. She arrives for the photoshoot with her long hair strategically covering her upper half. 

During the photoshoot, the women pose with Nick and the assigned bridesmaid and I literally lost track of how many of the women he kissed. I'm not faulting the guy for kissing the women he is dating, can't deny the guy a test ride, but kissing them in front of the other women is disrespectful. Not to mention uncomfortable for all of the women besides the current kissee. When it's Corinne's turn she wades into the pool with Nick and begins to pose. Not to be outdone by half-naked "Eve" bride, Corinne unties her bikini top and throws it to the side. She is now topless in the pool with Nick while the other women are forced to watch their photoshoot/make out session. She even forces Nick to HOLD HER BOOBS WITH HIS BARE HANDS. 

Her performance is rewarded by "winning" the photoshoot and driving to the cocktail hour destination with Nick where she promptly steals Nick first and plants one on him. Nick proceeds to say that he has been impressed with her so far, but we all know that's just him talking below the waist. The women are beginning to wonder if he is here for the right reasons, since he seems to only reward women who get naked. Raven and Nick bond over their shared relationship history of being cheated on. Fantasy suites will be tough on her if she gets there. 

Nick and Alexis share some time celebrating the first birthday of her boobs. With cupcakes. #happyboobday 
Corinne interrupts this intimate moment for a 2nd shot at Nick time, but it's not her only interruption of the evening. Later, Taylor and Nick discuss how smart she is after obtaining her bachelor's degree in 3 years and then going straight to her master's. She claims her counseling degree makes her understand vulnerability more than anyone. Corinne chooses this moment to interrupt for a 3rd time on the basis that she wants to say goodnight. This translates to a moment of making out before Taylor decides she's an independent woman who doesn't need Corinne to tell her when time is up. It's musical lips up in here, y'all. Taylor comes back to "re-interrupt" the couple, which in Corinne's world is THE WORST thing Taylor could possibly do and like sooooo rude. Pot, meet kettle. 

Nick, no doubt still fantasizing about their pool date, offers the date rose to Corinne. Which is the WORST thing he could possible do and like soooo rude. The tension rises after Nick bids the women goodnight and they wait for their Ubers to bachelor mansion. Corinne defends her rose but saying "guys, i mean i was just myself!" No, you were just naked. 

Ding dong date card! Danielle M, our relationship is about to take off...
If you remember, Danielle M is a blonde Jen-from-Bachelor-in-Paradise who talks like this. 
Their date kicks off in a helicopter, but takes it to the next level by landing on a yacht in the middle of Newport Bay. They lounge in a hot tub and kiss before heading to the evening portion of their date. Over their fake meal, they rehash Nick's bach past and her previous engagement. Danielle was engaged for 3 months about 5 years ago until her fiancĂ© overdosed on drugs. She is the one who found him. She did not even know he was an addict. She says that most of her relationships end shortly after she shares about her past which makes me think she is dating some real winners. Nick gives her the date rose, but we all know her time is ticking. Their date received 10 minutes max of screen time on a 2 hour show. 

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Liz is obsessed with talking with Nick about their history. She feels the need to clear the air and she's dying to hash the situation out with someone. Surmising that Christen can't possibly be sticking around for long, she grabs her for a poolside chat. Christen's reaction to Liz's story is gold: "playa, say whaaaat?" Liz apparently offers plenty of details to go along with the encounter. 

ding dong date card! Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina, and Liz: we need to talk...
The group is pumped. Josephine hasn't felt like this since she was a teenager!!!! Which coincidentally wasn't that long ago!!!! 

They arrive at the Museum of Broken Relationships, where Nick has donated a dead rose from Kaitlyn's season and a fake ring to the cause. He really dug deep. The group views the rest of the relics in the museum while Nick concentrates on avoiding Liz. To conclude activities for the afternoon, the group will participate in a break up exercise. Each woman must act out a break up with Nick. Astrid goes for a comedic angle, ending the relationship due to him dating all of her friends (foreshadowing?), which Kristine splits because Nick doesn't floss. I completely forget what Josephine says, but she really didn't need words with the slap she delivered to the side of Nick's face. That was for America. When Liz steps up the stage and starts to deliver her break up speech, which was pretty vulnerable and included real truth from their history, Nick literally twiddles his thumbs. Afterward, Nick says their scene made him uncomfortable. But Corinne taking her top off in the pool with your 10 other dates looking on was chill? 

Nick has come to the conclusion that Liz being here is his nightmare. His weird camo dress shirt is my current nightmare. He is terrified that she will disclose his sleazy past to the rest of the women. During his time with Christen, she shares that Liz did disclose their wedding encounter to her. After their conversation, Nick takes Liz aside. He calls their time together at Tanner and Jade's wedding two adults who had fun. He asked a valid question-why haven't I heard from you? Liz uses his appearance in Bachelor in Paradise as a reason. He was there for a month, she had 9 months to reach out. She could've grown their love child during that time period. Next, please. Nick ultimately decides that her journey ends here because the more she talks the less she makes sense. I am inclined to agree with Nick on this one thing. He walks her out. 

When he comes back to the group date, sans Liz, the women have a lot of questions. Which Nick will have to answer next week due to ABC's "To Be Continued." They are life ruiners, they ruin people's lives!!! 

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

4th Time On National Television is the Charm: Bachelor Recap Week One

Once upon a time I told anyone that would listen that I was not going to watch The Bachelor this season, much less blog about it, because Nick Viall is a terrible person. But here we are.

Peer pressure is real. 

For those of you who don't know, Nick Viall (pronounced vile rather than the city in Colorado) is making his fourth appearance on national television in what we can all hope is his final attempt to "find love." So far he has found three ex-girlfriends and 8 bottles of tequila in paradise. He was on Andi's season, Kaitlyn's season, and Bachelor in Paradise. As he prepares for this journey (which he has now packed for FOUR times, what on earth does this dude do for a living?), he hangs out with his 10 siblings and muses, "I don't have care how many times I have to go on TV try!" 

Before the big opening night, previous Bachelors Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, and Chris Soules bro out in California sunshine. Whose idea was it to put the albino father in the direct sunlight? Pass poor Sean some sunscreen! Nick appears and the men all make digs about Nick's previous failed attempts at love. 

Then, it's time to meet the girls. Nick glides across the freshly hosed Bachelor Mansion driveway, sporting a polka dot tie which pleasantly reminds me of Kate Spade. Point for Vile Vaill. We meet:

  • Danielle and both of her nipples. Well, almost. She is a business owner and one of those businesses is a nail salon. Her dress plunges to terrifying depths. Nick pronounces her beautiful so she and her cleavage receive a rose. 
  • Elizabeth. She wears a long white dress. Certainly intended for Nick's brain to register "bride." The trick works and she gets a rose.
  • Rachel the attorney. She is 31 and lives in Dallas. Although she is a Cowboys fan, Nick still chooses to give her the first impression rose later on in the evening. She could fit the entire stem in the gap between her two front teeth (I'm allowed to say this since I have a similar gap #retainerlifer)
  • Christen from Tulsa, Oklahoma. She chose to dress like a highlighter in a shockingly yellow dress. She pronounces Nick taller than she thought and proceeds to teach him ballroom dancing. Rose to Christen. 
  • Taylor from Seattle, who also happens to be a mental health counselor. She just received her Masters. Something tells me ABC thought she could pull double duty on this season. "hey, yeah fall in love with Nick while also keeping everyone on the show sane, OK?" She thinks Nick is so "brave" for doing this a 4th time. I wonder if they teach the definition of insanity in mental health courses (doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting a different result). Rose to the shrink. 
  • Kristina with a strange accent that I can't quite place. She cries a lot throughout the evening, but does end up with a rose. 
  • Angela. To quote Corinne, she was irrelevant. No rose. 
  • Lauren the law school grad AKA perpetual job seeker. Funnily enough, her last name is Hussy. Together, she and Nick make a disgusting slut. Her words, not mine! Nick doesn't find the joke nearly as funny as she thought he would. No rose. 
  • Michelle. Who? No rose (duh). 
  • Dominique. She wore a turquoise dress and her profession is "restaurant server." Rose.
  • Ida Maria invites Nick to do a trust fall upon their first introduction. He catches her and but does not give her a rose.
  • Olivia from Alaska offers up an Eskimo kiss. Nick agrees, but she does not receive a rose. This was a poor judgment call. 
  • Sarah wore her jogging shoes in order to "run up" to the previous "runner-up." You could almost HEAR the camera men groaning. Her sprint was not vain. Rose received.
  • Jasmine came with another man, but not just any man. No, she brought along Neil Lane so she could tell Nick exactly what cut and color and clarity she needed. He did not take notes, but she did get a rose. 
  • Hailey from Canada opens with the line "do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?" Nick doesn't and it turns out that neither does she. Her commando clue earns a rose. 
  • Astrid wows Nick with her German language skills. Rose-d. 
  • Liz. Ah, the plot thickens. As it turns out, Liz was the maid of honor at Jade and Tanner's wedding. Nick, after his two previous appearance on the Bachelorette, was a guest at the event. Liz and Nick hit it off and hooked up that evening. He even asked for her number. Liz turned him down, but yet shows up 9 months later in the driveway of Bachelor Mansion. Nick has a lot of questions about this turn of events, seeing how Jade has his number and Liz could have connected with him several months previously. Something tells me she's not here for the right reasons, however Nick gives her the last rose of the evening.
  • Corinne is a "multi-million dollar business owner" and I know it because she told us 4 times. It is worth noting that it is her father's business that she is taking over. She lives in Miami with her family and her nanny, Raquel. She comments that true love has been difficult. Maybe firing the nanny is good place to start. Corinne takes the first kiss and I mean that literally because Nick was not going to offer it. DING DING DING I believe we have found the one who is not here to make friends. Obviously, she gets a rose. 
  • Vanessa from Quebec speaks French and Italian and teaches special needs students. Swoon. Even I would give Vanessa a rose. Nick agrees. 
  • Danielle from Nashville is a neonatal intensive care nurse. Everytime she comes onto the screen I have to punch the volume up. Soft-spoken is an understatement. She brings maple syrup to Nick for him to lick it off her finger. I did not see that one coming. She receives a rose. 
  • Raven from Arkansas owns a clothing boutique. Her accent will be the bane of my existence, but Nick gives her a rose. 
  • Jaimi from New Orleans is a chef with an aggressive nose piercing. Nick likes the balls and she receives a rose. 
  • Briana, one of the 4-5 nurses, brings a stethoscope so she can listen to his heart. Apparently she needs to work on her bedside manner--no rose. 
  • Susannah offers Nick a beard massage. He does not reciprocate with a massage or a rose. 
  • Josephine from Santa Cruz bring Nick a raw hot dog and offers to eat it "lady and the tramp" style with him. She also has one cat. The only standing between her and a houseful of cats is Nick. The animal shelters mourn as she receives a rose. 
  • Whitney rides in on a camel because "i hear you like a good hump." You can't beat a camel-Whitney gets a rose. 
  • Alexis from Jersey Shore would love to be a dolphin trainer. She arrives in a shark costume but spends most of the evening making dolphin calls, treading through the pool, and insisting it's a dolphin costume. Sadly, I don't think her actions were entirely alcohol-induced. But in the end, her flipper clutches a rose. 
To recap the recap: Vanessa, Danielle L, Christen, Astrid, Corinne, Elizabeth W, Jasmine G, Raven, Kristina, Danielle M, Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis/Shark?, Hailey, Whitney, Dominique, Jaimi, Brittany, and Liz receive roses. 21 women remain out of the 30 who arrived. As the sun rises on Bachelor Mansion, the driveway is now slick with the tears of the departed. See you next week friends!

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

JoJo's Poor Life Decisions: Bachelorette Final Recap

We made it to the final episode! JoJo, Robby, and Jordan are all in Thailand and JoJo is faced with the decision: which former athlete does she want to spend the rest of her life with?
She calls in family reinforcements to ignore their advice help make her decision. 
I'm looking forward to what the brothers have to say, since they were oh so welcoming during Ben's hometown last season. Mama's face had some work done. Sister's face needs some of Mama's work. 
Jordan is up first to meet the fam and you'd think he'd shave for the occasion, or at least clean up the scruff. Instead, he is rocking a strange looking V on his chin. 
Mama takes Jordan aside and wants his word that he will never break her daughter's heart. He promises and I roll my eyes. When JoJo asks for mama's opinion, Mama offers that they are too much alike and trust issues would come into play. Her key argument? Of course I like Jordan, who doesn't like Jordan? 
My hand flew up. 
Jordan has QT with Mama and Dad and still doesn't manage to ask for JoJo's hand in marriage. RED FLAG. 
Robby gets the second meeting and his flowers win. So does his scruff. The brothers compare Jordan to a New year's eve date, and Robby to actual husband material. Robby promises to Jojo's parents that JoJo will be his biggest priority and he will build his life around her (it's easy because you can formerly competitively swim just about anywhere). 
He ends his conversation with them by asking for permission to marry Joelle Hannah Fletcher. Permission is granted. 
It is in this moment that I decide if I have to get on board with JoJo's terrible life decisions, then I choose to get on board with Robby. 
The family rehashes the visits and drops the bombshell that Jordan did not ask for permission to marry her. JoJo is shocked. Apparently, during their overnight, she made it clear to Jordan how important that was to her. RED FLAG.
Robby gets the first last date. They hang out on the beach, have a picnic, and straddle in the sand. He wears effeminate slippers for their cozy evening in the hotel room and they flip through pictures of their previous dates. 
JoJo sees a lifetime with Robby. 
Jordan is up next for a last date. They board a pirate ship-red flag-he's only after booty. They discuss JoJo's family and Jordan comments that her sister is a sweetheart. Who? ABC didn't even give her a name! JoJo confesses her disappointment that he didn't ask permission to marry her. Jordan makes excuses and essentially says that he needs to know that she loves him before he can tell her parents he wants to marry her. They spend nearly their entire date discussing his screw up. 
It's finally E-day! Engagment day. We open on a shower shot of Robby scrubadubbin for the big moment. He dresses up to meet the man himself, Neil Lane, before picking out a stunner of a ring. He then writes a note to JoJo celebrating this as the beginning of a new chapter. In the meantime, Jordan stretches on his balcony before asking Chris Harrison for JoJo's dad's phone number. He dials and finally asks permission to marry her. Permission is granted. I vom. He then saunters out to meet Neil Lane in his sweatpants and agonizes over which free ring to pick. He whines, "this isn't easy!" Yeah, it's even harder when you have to pay for it. He ultimately chooses a subpar ring. He also writes a note to JoJo, informing her of his chat with her parents this morning. This is his Hail Mary pass.  
JoJo reads both notes, cries, and I gulp my wine and miss Chase. 
There are shots of the gentleman getting ready for the big moment. Jordan suits up with some snazzy socks. Robby slips on his shoes sans socks. 
JoJo stands on the decorative platform that the ABC intern has spent all season creating. The first car arrives and we see a foot come out of the door. A SOCKED foot. 
ABC pans to his face. We groan in audible disappointment. It's Robby. That sucker put socks on in the car. 
Robby comes forward, certain he is about to be engaged. He talks about how much he loves her, but she eventually stops him with tears. She says it's not him. She woke up wanting it to be him, but it's not. Well, I woke up wanting it to be Chase, but we don't all get what we want, Joelle. 
Robby leaves in confusion. Jordan steps out of the second car and proposes and it's absolutely terrible. I give it until Christmas. 
On After the Final Rose, Robby and Chris Harrison chat. Harrison asks Robby, are you hurt? confused? frustrated? Disappointed? Personally, I am all of the above. Robby is only confused and disappointed. Jordan and JoJo come out and discuss the possibility of a 2017 wedding. He is moving to Dallas. Aaron Rodgers still isn't interested in attending their future wedding. 
My remaining questions: 
1. Who else is on board with Wells for Bachelor? Chase, Luke, and Robby would all be too boring. 
2. Does JoJo watch this back and wish she had the ring that Robby picked out instead? 

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Battle of Former Athletes: Bachelorette Recaps 7-9

Recap Episode 7:
If you remember, in episode 6, JoJo was allowed an extra rose to save her from deliberation between James T and Alex. In episode 7, James T and Alex go home. JoJo could have saved us all two hours of our life if she had made that decision in episode 6. All of America saw it coming: recap complete. 

Recap Episode 8: Hometowns!
Chase is up first. They sit on a mountain in Colorado and discuss his broken and imperfect family. He is a child of divorce, and thus it is difficult for him to throw the L word around like some former athletes on this show. He takes her to his cute little home and ding dong Dad arrives. Dad is adorable and tries to explain Chase's walls to JoJo. Chase tells Dad that he is ready to put his heart on the line. Next on the agenda-dinner at Mom's. Mom takes some time with JoJo to discuss how Chase is crazy about her and how it is far easier for him to express his love through actions rather than words. JoJo is still dying to hear the L bomb. They make out at the car before JoJo leaves and Chase says "I'mfallinginlovewithyouJoJo." Literally all one word. 

Next stop, California, home of the skinny jeans and Jordan's family. Jordan actually lives in Nashville, but his family is in Chico. Since Jordan peaked in high school, he takes her to his high school alma mater where they spend the day looking at yearbook photos on the wall. Jordan discusses how Aaron Rodgers has not been in touch with his family for the last year or two. I can't imagine this show is helping to mend that relationship, but that's just my two cents. Darla (Jordan's mom) thinks JoJo could be his destiny, but JoJo expresses her fear that Jordan won't love her forever. He adamantly tells her that he is ready to be engaged and to marry her. 

JoJo arrives in St. Augustine, Florida to be whisked away on a carriage ride with Robbie. They discuss his very recent relationship. Robbie desperately wants JoJo to tell him she loves him. So much so that he puts the word love in nearly every sentence. "Ever since I told you I loved you in Uruguay..." "My family is going to love you" "I just love you." Translation: love me back! As they head to his family's home, Robbie doesn't see how anything can possibly go wrong which means that something is about to go wrong. Robbie's family breaks out the multi-colored plastic wine glasses in honor of JoJo's arrival. Holly, Robbie's mom, talks with JoJo and JoJo confesses, "I haven't told anyone this yet, but I'm falling in love with him." Shhh, America will totally keep your secret. 
Holly reveals to Robbie that his ex's roommate has been spreading rumors that he applied to be on the show while he was still dating Hope (his ex) and that he broke up with said ex to be on said show. Let's chat Bach casting for a hot second. I'm not an expert so if someone has more info please enlighten me, but I'm 99% sure that you have to apply pretty early on in order to be considered for the show. Like months in advance. So I have a hunch that his ex's roommate is spreading truths. And if he was applying to be on the Bachelorette when he was dating Hope then he had no business to be dating Hope at the time. 
Either way, this rumor is something Robbie is determined to address with JoJo in order to nip it in the "butt." I swear he said butt and not bud. JoJo does not enjoy this conversation and pointly asks, "did you break up with Hope to come on the show?" Robbie counters that the relationship was over 9 months before it ended. That wasn't the question. JoJo drinks. Robbie says that they ended everything at the end of December after when they had a blow up fight and she slapped him. 
*****RED FLAG****** Why did she slap Robbie? Did she find his bachelorette application? 

Hometowns end in Burnet, Texas where Luke introduces JoJo to 50 of his closest friends and family. They cookout and play corn hole in the backyard. After mingling during the afternoon, Luke takes JoJo on a horseback ride to a cozy little hay bale set up that you know the ABC intern spent all day creating. Luke tells JoJo that his heart is hers, his heart is there, his heart is involved. But Luke does not say I love you. 

The rose ceremony takes place in an airport hangar which is very convenient for whichever gentleman leaves. If I am JoJo, the choice for fantasy suites is pretty easy. Chase because #teamchase, Luke because he's not a douche, and then she just needs to flip a coin on whether she's going to sleep with a former swimmer or a former NFL football player. 
JoJo, being JoJo, thinks she needs to say goodbye to Luke. At this point, I can't even. I am yelling at the TV. As she picks up a rose, Luke decides to call a huddle. Jordan is mad because that's his thing. Luke shares that he is in love with her. JoJo says, that's what I wanted to hear from you, and then proceeds to have a meltdown on the runway in a blue dress. 

Recap Episode 9: It's all Downhill from here
Despite JoJo telling Luke that he said what she needed to hear, she still sends him home. He is stunned. During the fantasy suite episode, she sends Chase home and now she must decide between a former swimmer and a former football player in the final episode. I can only hope that they both have present employment. 

Monday, July 4, 2016

Emergency Roses: Bachelorette Recap Episode Six

The group heads to Buenos Aires, Argentina and check into their respective hotels. JoJo sits on a park bench with Chris Harrison to discuss life, love, and other mysteries. "What if I fall in love with two people just like Ben?!" JoJo muses. Then all of America will hate you too. They talk about how this will be a turning point week. 
Chris lines out the week to the group of dudes. There will be three dates: group date, one on one date, and ANOTHER two on one date. JoJo is clearly determined to make Bachelorette history. 
Ding dong date card: Wells, besame besame muchacho. (for everyone else who took french in high school, besame means "kiss me" in spanish). JoJo is tired of waiting. 
Wells reveals to the guys that he is fairly sure he is the only guy who hasn't kissed her yet. Everyone looks around in dismay. 
JoJo walks in to take him on their date and chats with the group for a bit. Luke blurts out, "are you guys gonna kiss today?" The awkwardness in the room rises about 10 octaves. 
Wells and JoJo start their date a local market where there is no kissing, but he does buy her a bracelet.  They head to a local show, Fuerza Bruta. Wells continues to monologue about how he is looking for the right moment to kiss her. At this point, he is over thinking it and just needs to land one on the lips and move on. 
FINALLY, finally, as they swim in a suspended pool JoJo closes the gap between their faces and then celebrates the milestone. "WELLS WE DID IT!" That's a friend zone if I ever saw one. 
During their dinner date Wells shares about his past relationship. It was a long one, 4 years altogether, and it ended because they seemed only like best friends. There was no romance. You can see on JoJo's face that she isn't surprised to hear this. She picks up the rose, false hope swells for Wells, but ultimately JoJo has determined they have only built a friendship. He is an incredible human, but he is not her human. He can't have this rose, but he can have a flight back home on ABC's tab. 

Ding Dong date card: Luke, Robbie, Jordan, James, Alex: living la vida boca. 
The gang heads to the la boca district where it is clear that ABC is on a tight budget this season. In fact, I don't think I've seen a single helicopter yet. Here, the group organizes a game of soccer with the local neighborhood team. The guys have a penalty kick contest to kiss JoJo. James gets the goal and a small peck. 
The evening portion arrives and JoJo makes her rounds. She and Luke cuddle on a bench with CAR-AZY passion. Her words, not mine. Everything about you makes me want more of you-Luke. I love seeing you-JoJo. Gag-me. 
James uses his team with JoJo to discuss a side of Jordan that he feels she doesn't see. It apparently arose during a game of poker and Jordan appeared to act entitled. Now, I love James. But from years of watching this show I've learned it's best to mind your business and let the bad guy fall on his own face instead of tripping him. The tripper always ends up just as bad as the trippee, if not worse. 
In this case, JoJo thanks him for his honesty and then confronts Jordan about the altercation. Jordan says he doesn't know what entitled means. 
After their conversation, Jordan returns to the couch next to James. There is much swishing of beverages and tapping of toes. Tensions rise. 
JoJo offers the date rose to Luke, who accepts with grace. 

Ding dong date card: Derek and Chase, it takes two. 
On the way to their date, Derek is cocky, fully expecting to receive the date rose and turn this outing into a one on one. Again, being a veteran viewer, I have learned that typically the person who talks the most about getting the rose is the person who doesn't get it. I'm onto your editing techniques, ABC. #teamchase
They tango as a threesome and then head to an intimate dinner for three. Derek and JoJo takes some time together and Derek says he is absolutely falling for her. Chase and JoJo sit down together as well. he is scared. JoJo doesn't feel like Chase is reciprocating her strong feelings and reminds him she needs words of affirmation. He reminds her that she has 5 other boyfriends. Chase ends the conversation by stating he came here for her and he intends to leave with her. 
Back at the dinner table, JoJo makes a rose reach. Chase is the recipient. Derek watches the exchange before JoJo walks him down to the SUV of sorrow. There are tears. 
Afterward, JoJo and Chase sway to an Argentinian opera singer. 

The cocktail party is fairly uneventful, although each guy spends an inordinate amount of time talking about how important this week is. James and Alex are both feeling pretty nervous. 
Rose Ceremony: 
Luke and Chase already have roses. 
Looooooong pause. 
JoJo walks out. James and Alex exchange terrified looks, while JoJo seeks out Harrison to have a powwow. She can't hand out this final rose. 
She walks back into the ceremony and the ABC intern replaces the one rose with two. JoJo is now the Oprah of roses-everybody gets a rose!
Essentially, JoJo just procrastinated the tough decisions that she will have to make next week.  

Sunday, June 26, 2016

This is the Last Time I Want to Write about Anyone Named Chad: Bachelorette Recap Episode 5

Episode 5 opens with a short synopsis of the previous episode so that we can all reminisce on JoJo telling Chad "I don't think anyone deserves someone like you." #sweetmemories.
When Chad's luggage disappears from the mansion, the rest of the guys break into cheers and start popping champagne. James T break out into song and the guys take the rest of Chad's protein powder and scatter it likes ashes. Chad, likely sensing the misuse of said protein powder, hikes through the woods and knocks on the door.
Forget your toothbrush, Chad? 
As Chad stands awkwardly in the entryway, Daniel stands off to the side and eats his EasyMac while Jordan makes one last attempt to clear the air and get an apology from Chad. No such luck. Evan asks for money for his ripped t-shirt (that probably didn't cost more than $10 from Target), but the luxury real estate market in Tulsa must not be too hot because Chad refuses. 
Ultimately, Chad leaves for good and the guys resume their celebration, complete with cupcakes and toting Alex the hero around on their shoulders. 
At the cocktail party, Robbie kisses JoJo by the fountain, much to the dismay to anyone who happened to be standing by the window. James F reads her a poem that he wrote. Luke reminisces on their date and describes the tempo of his heartbeat when she is near. Jordan shoves JoJo into a corner for a quickie. 
Rose Ceremony:
Luke, Jordan, and Alex already have roses. 
James T.

RIP James F (should've hung on to that poem) and Daniel (whose occupation is "Canadian"). 
JoJo announces their trip to Uraguay in South American. I think ABC researched Groupon for the best travel deals. Evan packs up, suitcase far lighter without his ripped shirt that Chad still has not replaced. 

Ding Dong date card: Jordan, let's seal the date.
As they approach the dock, the former NFL player says "I've never been on a yacht" and the lies don't stop from there. They spend the day sailing and swimming with seals. At dinner Jordan admits he is falling in love with JoJo. JoJo met a girl who used to date Jordan and was told he wasn't a great boyfriend. She confronts him about the past relationship. Jordan starts chewing on his lip. JoJo mentions trust issues. Jordan picks up his beverage and gulps. He fluffs his hair and blames sports. JoJo point blank asks if there was cheating. Quick no from Jordan. He says he has nothing to hide and continues to chew his lip and look down. He decides this is a good time to mention his pastor in casual conversation. He continues to tell her what she wants to hear and gets a rose. 

Back at the hotel, the guys have spent the day in Vinny's makeshift barbershop reading gossip magazines. One in particular includes an article about JoJo's ex, in which he states that she is still in love with him and is only on the show for publicity reasons. Nobody likes reading this and they start to get a little grumbly. When JoJo returns from her date with Jordan the camera man gives her an opportunity to monologue about how happy she is before handing her the gossip mag in question. He says they need to address it since all of the guys have seen it. Cue waterworks. JoJo curses and cries and declares she hates him. Coinciendentally, ex's name is Chad. 
JoJo ends up speaking with the group about the article and vows she is here for the right reasons. Hugging ensues.

Ding dong group date card: Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex, I can't sand to be away from you.
The group gets a few good sand surfing runs in on the dunes before the storm rolls in. The evening portion of the date comes sooner than expected and the men discuss how awkward group dates are becoming as their feelings are growing stronger for JoJo. Luke steals her for some time right off the bat and follows up on the gossip magazine conversation by letting her know he believes in her intentions. James follows up with his own validation. Wells proposes a toast to the future and says he is done with Chads and recommends JoJo does the same. Alex talks to the camera about his ambition to get a group date rose. #dreambig
Unfortunately, Derek receives the group date rose with the words "I wanted to give this to someone who needs some reassurance."
Everyone shoots daggers at Derek. Alex then backtracks to the camera, "I didn't want the pity date rose" to justify not receiving the group date rose. 

Ding dong date card: Robbie, love is within our reach. 
Robbie and JoJo explore the town and try authentic Uraguayan cuisine. After having waiting the prescribed 30 minutes before entering the water again, they climb on some rocks before coming to a cliff above the ocean. Several "love is like jumping off a cliff" metaphors are exchanged, but they finally leap into the water. At dinner, Robbie shares that his best friend died last year in April and that caused him to make big changes in his life. He quit his job, moved to a new city, and ended a 3.5 year relationship. Then he announces that he's fallen in love with JoJo (this is their first official date for anyone else who is counting and panicking). JoJo thanks him. #oh.

Also, for those keeping score at home Jordan and Robbie have both made love professions thus far in the show. I am sure there will be more to come. 

A rainy rose ceremony arises. JoJo decides to forego the cocktail party and men without roses begin to sweat. 
Jordan, Robbie, Derek already hold roses. 

Vinny, Evan, and Grant leave rose-less. They all say that it really sucks. Next stop on our Bachelorette's tour of South America? Argentina!

Saturday, June 11, 2016

The Parade of Losers: Bachelorette Recap Week Three Acts I & II

First, my apologies on the late post. It's been a week, to say the least. I've begun to wonder if this show is really about JoJo finding love or if it's a cover for Chad to get beefed up for UFC fighting. I'll bet big bucks that he's on Bachelor in Paradise unless ABC insurance ramps up after the threats of violence this season.
Week three opens with the spotlight on Chad's leftovers hanging around the house. All of the guys bemoan the fact that Chad didn't get booted. Chad and Daniel discuss getting their work out in. "Eh, back and abs today? Let's do some babs." #twerkout. As Chad measures out his protein powder he muses "so 240 plus 280..that's 550." I feel like a luxury real estate agent should have better math skills. You wouldn't want to lose track of the zeros on the end of a listing price.
Chris Harrison walks in. There will be three dates this week: two one on ones and a group date.
Date Card: Chase, let's get physical.
Bowchickawowow! Chase literally came out of nowhere. I did not notice him one bit on night one but he is certainly a strong contender and I am definitely #teamchase. Their date begins in a yoga studio where it's approximately 110 degrees and Chase hopes he wore enough deodorant. Their yoga instructor asks how long they've been intimate and proceeds to show them their warm up exercise: thrusting their hips to the sky on a yoga mat while grunting and then flailing around while screaming. The instructor calls it an anger-gasm. I called it awkward. But it got worse. They are then introduced to a move called yimyang or yingyam which is essentially JoJo straddling Chase and being nose to nose. They last about 5 second before kissing and the instructors make themselves scarce. Chase is now a big fan of yoga and straddling on the first date and JoJo thinks straddling is a solid foundation for love.
They have dinner and discuss serious topics. Chase is a child of divorce and marriage for him is a one and done situation. #teamchase. He comments that the thought of getting engaged is scary. Has anyone told him he could be popping the question in 5 short weeks?
Chase gets a rose and the private concert we knew would be coming at some point this season finally arrives. Does anybody know who Charles Kelly is? Nah?

Back at the house, Daniel and Chad work out and encourage each other. Evan (E-money) comments that if they don't find love with JoJo they can ride off into the sunset together.
Ding dong date card: Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad: love has no secrets.
Chad immediately says he doesn't want to go and everybody gapes at him. He says he doesn't want to go on a date with 12 guys (he would prefer a one on one with Daniel, obviously). Jordan counters, "do you think JoJo would want to spend a whole date with you on a one and one?" Chad calls him a 27 year old failed football player. I hide behind my pillow because the tension is THAT STRONG. E-money assures Chad that they can just cross his name off and the 4 guys who weren't on that date card remind him to be thankful of the time he gets. Heated words are exchanged. Drinks are sipped. The tension that I thought was at an all-time high breaks another barrier.
For the group date, they arrive at a theater for Sex Talks: A Storyteling Show. A lady breathes heavily on the stage. I get more uncomfortable. JoJo informs the guys that they will each have to go on stage and tell something about their sexual past. She thinks talking about sex is important (I think maybe not on the first date?!?!) and clearly wants to know what these guys are into. I guess if there's a foot fetish it would be best to get it out in the open now. Evan beams. As an eretcile dysfunction specialist/youth minister, he talks about sex daily.
Chad is mad. He rants that none of this is any of JoJo's business and he doesn't want to talk about his sexual past. Perhaps because he doesn't have one since all of his exes have restraining orders on him after date two.
Evan plots to incorporate Chad into his story to expose him for the ass that he is. Evan has a death wish.
The stories are told and there are cops involved, knifes, rope, threesomes, etc. 
Evan is up. He tells a story of the dangers of using steroids. Everyone feels Chad's anger coming off of him in waves. When Evan goes to sit down, Chad passes him and then turns around, grabs the back of Evan's shirt, and rips it toward him. 'Roid rage, man.
Chad is up next. He asks JoJo to be his volunteer for his bit and makes a speech that this is about the future and not the past and tries to plant one on her lips in front of the entire group. She turns her head and he lands on cheek.
Unhappy with how his performance turned out, Chad punches a metal door backstage and his knuckles start bleeding.
On that note, let's turn to the evening portion of this debacle of a group date. JoJo spends time with each of the men. During a conversation with Nick and JoJo, Chad walks up to steal her. JoJo counters that Nick has only been here a few minutes and that Chad should wait his turn. Chad camps out 7 feet away and looks at his watch. Nick and JoJo exchange awkward glances.
Vinny pokes the bear by making conversation with Chad about that time he tried to kiss JoJo and she rejected him: approximately 2 hours ago. Chad starts to spin a story of how Evan plowed into him and pushed him over, which resulted in the ripped shirt on Evan's body. Evan demands an apology and a new shirt. Chad compromises by labeling Evan a bully and commands him to quit working out and cooking at the same time as him.
The group date drags on. Finally, Evan issues an ultimatum to JoJo: if you keep Chad, I'm leaving. I recommend she dump both, but JoJo chooses to give the date rose to Evan (which still effectively keeps Chad around until at the least the next rose ceremony so Evan didn't really think this through).
Chad's face when he sees Evan with the date rose is priceless. JoJo picks up on his WTF expression and asks him if he has a problem. Chad nags, "is this a real scenario right now? You're actually vibing this dude?"
Are you actually using "vibing" as a verb, Chad?
Jojo is not having it. She deems him disrespectful and comments that she doesn't like this side of him.
The rest of the group sits around in awkwardness for the 11th time that day. After hearing Chad's monologue that he'd like to rip everyone on this date apart with this bare hands, ABC hires a security guard for the Bachelor mansion.

Ding dong date card: James T, Let's kick it old school! James and JoJo head out for some swing dancing. James is not a dancer, but then again neither am I unless there's been an excessive amount of vodka and/or tequila consumed. JoJo's mission on this date is to see if they can move beyond the friend zone. My mission is to find out where she purchased the adorable polka-dot dress. James T ultimately gets a rose on this date and whips out his guitar for the occasion.

Back at the mansion, Chad and Daniel discuss why there is a security guard in the house. Daniel recommends Chad cool his jets and use logic and reason, dude. Throughout the course of this conversation, I thought Chad was chewing on a corn dog. Turns out, it's a sweet potato. But he's eating it like a hot dog. He follows it up with a leafy green chunk of lettuce. Daniel continues to discuss Chad's rage and compares their relationship to Daniel hanging out with Hitler. It ultimately looks bad on Daniel. This is essentially their break up conversation.

Chris Harrison shows up with good news and bad news. The bad news: there will be no cocktail party tonight. When JoJo arrives tonight, it's straight to rose ceremony do not pass go or collect 200 dollars. The good news: she will be at the mansion in about 5 minutes for a pool party. Every guy immediately starts picturing JoJo in a bikini.

Before Harrison departs, Evan talks with him about how volatile Chad is. Harrison nods in concern and pulls Chad aside to settle things. Chad continues to play victim, but tells Papa Harrison he will make it right.
As he storms back into the house, clenching his glass of green juice, ABC informs us this episode will be continued.

Chad's apology weirdly does not contain any semblance of the words "I'm sorry" and he ends the conversation by saying he hasn't gone out of his way to attack anyone in the house. This much is true, it simply comes naturally to him with no effort required.
JoJo shows up for the pool party. They take shots, they chicken fight,  and Evan gets a nosebleed from diving in to the pool. JoJo and Chad take a few minutes to discuss his attitude from the group date evening. Chad doesn't explain himself well (blame it on the steroids) and ends up taking about ice cream and steak.
JoJo sits with Derek and asks why there's a security guy in the house. Derek is honest with her about the Chad situation, but unfortunately for him Chad is a lurker and corners him in the house later to yell and shake his fist. I am sad that Chad is representing Oklahoma.
Rose ceremony time:
James F.

Ali, Nick, and Christian depart the mansion and JoJo announces that the remaining men should all pack their bags for an unknown destination. I'm wondering if the security guard is packing his bags also.
Guys, I am so tired of writing about Chad. 
They end up in Pennsylvania, a far cry from the exotic beach locale I was expecting. There are three dates. Luke gets a one on one date rose. Jordan gets the group date rose. Alex and Chad attend the two on one date. Anyone else seeing the resemblance between Alex and Schmidt from New Girl? Chad FINALLY gets the boot. 
And we all get a break to recover from the two episodes as Harrison informs us that next week is an off week for JoJo and her tribe.