Monday, July 4, 2016

Emergency Roses: Bachelorette Recap Episode Six

The group heads to Buenos Aires, Argentina and check into their respective hotels. JoJo sits on a park bench with Chris Harrison to discuss life, love, and other mysteries. "What if I fall in love with two people just like Ben?!" JoJo muses. Then all of America will hate you too. They talk about how this will be a turning point week. 
Chris lines out the week to the group of dudes. There will be three dates: group date, one on one date, and ANOTHER two on one date. JoJo is clearly determined to make Bachelorette history. 
Ding dong date card: Wells, besame besame muchacho. (for everyone else who took french in high school, besame means "kiss me" in spanish). JoJo is tired of waiting. 
Wells reveals to the guys that he is fairly sure he is the only guy who hasn't kissed her yet. Everyone looks around in dismay. 
JoJo walks in to take him on their date and chats with the group for a bit. Luke blurts out, "are you guys gonna kiss today?" The awkwardness in the room rises about 10 octaves. 
Wells and JoJo start their date a local market where there is no kissing, but he does buy her a bracelet.  They head to a local show, Fuerza Bruta. Wells continues to monologue about how he is looking for the right moment to kiss her. At this point, he is over thinking it and just needs to land one on the lips and move on. 
FINALLY, finally, as they swim in a suspended pool JoJo closes the gap between their faces and then celebrates the milestone. "WELLS WE DID IT!" That's a friend zone if I ever saw one. 
During their dinner date Wells shares about his past relationship. It was a long one, 4 years altogether, and it ended because they seemed only like best friends. There was no romance. You can see on JoJo's face that she isn't surprised to hear this. She picks up the rose, false hope swells for Wells, but ultimately JoJo has determined they have only built a friendship. He is an incredible human, but he is not her human. He can't have this rose, but he can have a flight back home on ABC's tab. 

Ding Dong date card: Luke, Robbie, Jordan, James, Alex: living la vida boca. 
The gang heads to the la boca district where it is clear that ABC is on a tight budget this season. In fact, I don't think I've seen a single helicopter yet. Here, the group organizes a game of soccer with the local neighborhood team. The guys have a penalty kick contest to kiss JoJo. James gets the goal and a small peck. 
The evening portion arrives and JoJo makes her rounds. She and Luke cuddle on a bench with CAR-AZY passion. Her words, not mine. Everything about you makes me want more of you-Luke. I love seeing you-JoJo. Gag-me. 
James uses his team with JoJo to discuss a side of Jordan that he feels she doesn't see. It apparently arose during a game of poker and Jordan appeared to act entitled. Now, I love James. But from years of watching this show I've learned it's best to mind your business and let the bad guy fall on his own face instead of tripping him. The tripper always ends up just as bad as the trippee, if not worse. 
In this case, JoJo thanks him for his honesty and then confronts Jordan about the altercation. Jordan says he doesn't know what entitled means. 
After their conversation, Jordan returns to the couch next to James. There is much swishing of beverages and tapping of toes. Tensions rise. 
JoJo offers the date rose to Luke, who accepts with grace. 

Ding dong date card: Derek and Chase, it takes two. 
On the way to their date, Derek is cocky, fully expecting to receive the date rose and turn this outing into a one on one. Again, being a veteran viewer, I have learned that typically the person who talks the most about getting the rose is the person who doesn't get it. I'm onto your editing techniques, ABC. #teamchase
They tango as a threesome and then head to an intimate dinner for three. Derek and JoJo takes some time together and Derek says he is absolutely falling for her. Chase and JoJo sit down together as well. he is scared. JoJo doesn't feel like Chase is reciprocating her strong feelings and reminds him she needs words of affirmation. He reminds her that she has 5 other boyfriends. Chase ends the conversation by stating he came here for her and he intends to leave with her. 
Back at the dinner table, JoJo makes a rose reach. Chase is the recipient. Derek watches the exchange before JoJo walks him down to the SUV of sorrow. There are tears. 
Afterward, JoJo and Chase sway to an Argentinian opera singer. 

The cocktail party is fairly uneventful, although each guy spends an inordinate amount of time talking about how important this week is. James and Alex are both feeling pretty nervous. 
Rose Ceremony: 
Luke and Chase already have roses. 
Looooooong pause. 
JoJo walks out. James and Alex exchange terrified looks, while JoJo seeks out Harrison to have a powwow. She can't hand out this final rose. 
She walks back into the ceremony and the ABC intern replaces the one rose with two. JoJo is now the Oprah of roses-everybody gets a rose!
Essentially, JoJo just procrastinated the tough decisions that she will have to make next week.  

Sunday, June 26, 2016

This is the Last Time I Want to Write about Anyone Named Chad: Bachelorette Recap Episode 5

Episode 5 opens with a short synopsis of the previous episode so that we can all reminisce on JoJo telling Chad "I don't think anyone deserves someone like you." #sweetmemories.
When Chad's luggage disappears from the mansion, the rest of the guys break into cheers and start popping champagne. James T break out into song and the guys take the rest of Chad's protein powder and scatter it likes ashes. Chad, likely sensing the misuse of said protein powder, hikes through the woods and knocks on the door.
Forget your toothbrush, Chad? 
As Chad stands awkwardly in the entryway, Daniel stands off to the side and eats his EasyMac while Jordan makes one last attempt to clear the air and get an apology from Chad. No such luck. Evan asks for money for his ripped t-shirt (that probably didn't cost more than $10 from Target), but the luxury real estate market in Tulsa must not be too hot because Chad refuses. 
Ultimately, Chad leaves for good and the guys resume their celebration, complete with cupcakes and toting Alex the hero around on their shoulders. 
At the cocktail party, Robbie kisses JoJo by the fountain, much to the dismay to anyone who happened to be standing by the window. James F reads her a poem that he wrote. Luke reminisces on their date and describes the tempo of his heartbeat when she is near. Jordan shoves JoJo into a corner for a quickie. 
Rose Ceremony:
Luke, Jordan, and Alex already have roses. 
James T.

RIP James F (should've hung on to that poem) and Daniel (whose occupation is "Canadian"). 
JoJo announces their trip to Uraguay in South American. I think ABC researched Groupon for the best travel deals. Evan packs up, suitcase far lighter without his ripped shirt that Chad still has not replaced. 

Ding Dong date card: Jordan, let's seal the date.
As they approach the dock, the former NFL player says "I've never been on a yacht" and the lies don't stop from there. They spend the day sailing and swimming with seals. At dinner Jordan admits he is falling in love with JoJo. JoJo met a girl who used to date Jordan and was told he wasn't a great boyfriend. She confronts him about the past relationship. Jordan starts chewing on his lip. JoJo mentions trust issues. Jordan picks up his beverage and gulps. He fluffs his hair and blames sports. JoJo point blank asks if there was cheating. Quick no from Jordan. He says he has nothing to hide and continues to chew his lip and look down. He decides this is a good time to mention his pastor in casual conversation. He continues to tell her what she wants to hear and gets a rose. 

Back at the hotel, the guys have spent the day in Vinny's makeshift barbershop reading gossip magazines. One in particular includes an article about JoJo's ex, in which he states that she is still in love with him and is only on the show for publicity reasons. Nobody likes reading this and they start to get a little grumbly. When JoJo returns from her date with Jordan the camera man gives her an opportunity to monologue about how happy she is before handing her the gossip mag in question. He says they need to address it since all of the guys have seen it. Cue waterworks. JoJo curses and cries and declares she hates him. Coinciendentally, ex's name is Chad. 
JoJo ends up speaking with the group about the article and vows she is here for the right reasons. Hugging ensues.

Ding dong group date card: Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex, I can't sand to be away from you.
The group gets a few good sand surfing runs in on the dunes before the storm rolls in. The evening portion of the date comes sooner than expected and the men discuss how awkward group dates are becoming as their feelings are growing stronger for JoJo. Luke steals her for some time right off the bat and follows up on the gossip magazine conversation by letting her know he believes in her intentions. James follows up with his own validation. Wells proposes a toast to the future and says he is done with Chads and recommends JoJo does the same. Alex talks to the camera about his ambition to get a group date rose. #dreambig
Unfortunately, Derek receives the group date rose with the words "I wanted to give this to someone who needs some reassurance."
Everyone shoots daggers at Derek. Alex then backtracks to the camera, "I didn't want the pity date rose" to justify not receiving the group date rose. 

Ding dong date card: Robbie, love is within our reach. 
Robbie and JoJo explore the town and try authentic Uraguayan cuisine. After having waiting the prescribed 30 minutes before entering the water again, they climb on some rocks before coming to a cliff above the ocean. Several "love is like jumping off a cliff" metaphors are exchanged, but they finally leap into the water. At dinner, Robbie shares that his best friend died last year in April and that caused him to make big changes in his life. He quit his job, moved to a new city, and ended a 3.5 year relationship. Then he announces that he's fallen in love with JoJo (this is their first official date for anyone else who is counting and panicking). JoJo thanks him. #oh.

Also, for those keeping score at home Jordan and Robbie have both made love professions thus far in the show. I am sure there will be more to come. 

A rainy rose ceremony arises. JoJo decides to forego the cocktail party and men without roses begin to sweat. 
Jordan, Robbie, Derek already hold roses. 

Vinny, Evan, and Grant leave rose-less. They all say that it really sucks. Next stop on our Bachelorette's tour of South America? Argentina!

Saturday, June 11, 2016

The Parade of Losers: Bachelorette Recap Week Three Acts I & II

First, my apologies on the late post. It's been a week, to say the least. I've begun to wonder if this show is really about JoJo finding love or if it's a cover for Chad to get beefed up for UFC fighting. I'll bet big bucks that he's on Bachelor in Paradise unless ABC insurance ramps up after the threats of violence this season.
Week three opens with the spotlight on Chad's leftovers hanging around the house. All of the guys bemoan the fact that Chad didn't get booted. Chad and Daniel discuss getting their work out in. "Eh, back and abs today? Let's do some babs." #twerkout. As Chad measures out his protein powder he muses "so 240 plus 280..that's 550." I feel like a luxury real estate agent should have better math skills. You wouldn't want to lose track of the zeros on the end of a listing price.
Chris Harrison walks in. There will be three dates this week: two one on ones and a group date.
Date Card: Chase, let's get physical.
Bowchickawowow! Chase literally came out of nowhere. I did not notice him one bit on night one but he is certainly a strong contender and I am definitely #teamchase. Their date begins in a yoga studio where it's approximately 110 degrees and Chase hopes he wore enough deodorant. Their yoga instructor asks how long they've been intimate and proceeds to show them their warm up exercise: thrusting their hips to the sky on a yoga mat while grunting and then flailing around while screaming. The instructor calls it an anger-gasm. I called it awkward. But it got worse. They are then introduced to a move called yimyang or yingyam which is essentially JoJo straddling Chase and being nose to nose. They last about 5 second before kissing and the instructors make themselves scarce. Chase is now a big fan of yoga and straddling on the first date and JoJo thinks straddling is a solid foundation for love.
They have dinner and discuss serious topics. Chase is a child of divorce and marriage for him is a one and done situation. #teamchase. He comments that the thought of getting engaged is scary. Has anyone told him he could be popping the question in 5 short weeks?
Chase gets a rose and the private concert we knew would be coming at some point this season finally arrives. Does anybody know who Charles Kelly is? Nah?

Back at the house, Daniel and Chad work out and encourage each other. Evan (E-money) comments that if they don't find love with JoJo they can ride off into the sunset together.
Ding dong date card: Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad: love has no secrets.
Chad immediately says he doesn't want to go and everybody gapes at him. He says he doesn't want to go on a date with 12 guys (he would prefer a one on one with Daniel, obviously). Jordan counters, "do you think JoJo would want to spend a whole date with you on a one and one?" Chad calls him a 27 year old failed football player. I hide behind my pillow because the tension is THAT STRONG. E-money assures Chad that they can just cross his name off and the 4 guys who weren't on that date card remind him to be thankful of the time he gets. Heated words are exchanged. Drinks are sipped. The tension that I thought was at an all-time high breaks another barrier.
For the group date, they arrive at a theater for Sex Talks: A Storyteling Show. A lady breathes heavily on the stage. I get more uncomfortable. JoJo informs the guys that they will each have to go on stage and tell something about their sexual past. She thinks talking about sex is important (I think maybe not on the first date?!?!) and clearly wants to know what these guys are into. I guess if there's a foot fetish it would be best to get it out in the open now. Evan beams. As an eretcile dysfunction specialist/youth minister, he talks about sex daily.
Chad is mad. He rants that none of this is any of JoJo's business and he doesn't want to talk about his sexual past. Perhaps because he doesn't have one since all of his exes have restraining orders on him after date two.
Evan plots to incorporate Chad into his story to expose him for the ass that he is. Evan has a death wish.
The stories are told and there are cops involved, knifes, rope, threesomes, etc. 
Evan is up. He tells a story of the dangers of using steroids. Everyone feels Chad's anger coming off of him in waves. When Evan goes to sit down, Chad passes him and then turns around, grabs the back of Evan's shirt, and rips it toward him. 'Roid rage, man.
Chad is up next. He asks JoJo to be his volunteer for his bit and makes a speech that this is about the future and not the past and tries to plant one on her lips in front of the entire group. She turns her head and he lands on cheek.
Unhappy with how his performance turned out, Chad punches a metal door backstage and his knuckles start bleeding.
On that note, let's turn to the evening portion of this debacle of a group date. JoJo spends time with each of the men. During a conversation with Nick and JoJo, Chad walks up to steal her. JoJo counters that Nick has only been here a few minutes and that Chad should wait his turn. Chad camps out 7 feet away and looks at his watch. Nick and JoJo exchange awkward glances.
Vinny pokes the bear by making conversation with Chad about that time he tried to kiss JoJo and she rejected him: approximately 2 hours ago. Chad starts to spin a story of how Evan plowed into him and pushed him over, which resulted in the ripped shirt on Evan's body. Evan demands an apology and a new shirt. Chad compromises by labeling Evan a bully and commands him to quit working out and cooking at the same time as him.
The group date drags on. Finally, Evan issues an ultimatum to JoJo: if you keep Chad, I'm leaving. I recommend she dump both, but JoJo chooses to give the date rose to Evan (which still effectively keeps Chad around until at the least the next rose ceremony so Evan didn't really think this through).
Chad's face when he sees Evan with the date rose is priceless. JoJo picks up on his WTF expression and asks him if he has a problem. Chad nags, "is this a real scenario right now? You're actually vibing this dude?"
Are you actually using "vibing" as a verb, Chad?
Jojo is not having it. She deems him disrespectful and comments that she doesn't like this side of him.
The rest of the group sits around in awkwardness for the 11th time that day. After hearing Chad's monologue that he'd like to rip everyone on this date apart with this bare hands, ABC hires a security guard for the Bachelor mansion.

Ding dong date card: James T, Let's kick it old school! James and JoJo head out for some swing dancing. James is not a dancer, but then again neither am I unless there's been an excessive amount of vodka and/or tequila consumed. JoJo's mission on this date is to see if they can move beyond the friend zone. My mission is to find out where she purchased the adorable polka-dot dress. James T ultimately gets a rose on this date and whips out his guitar for the occasion.

Back at the mansion, Chad and Daniel discuss why there is a security guard in the house. Daniel recommends Chad cool his jets and use logic and reason, dude. Throughout the course of this conversation, I thought Chad was chewing on a corn dog. Turns out, it's a sweet potato. But he's eating it like a hot dog. He follows it up with a leafy green chunk of lettuce. Daniel continues to discuss Chad's rage and compares their relationship to Daniel hanging out with Hitler. It ultimately looks bad on Daniel. This is essentially their break up conversation.

Chris Harrison shows up with good news and bad news. The bad news: there will be no cocktail party tonight. When JoJo arrives tonight, it's straight to rose ceremony do not pass go or collect 200 dollars. The good news: she will be at the mansion in about 5 minutes for a pool party. Every guy immediately starts picturing JoJo in a bikini.

Before Harrison departs, Evan talks with him about how volatile Chad is. Harrison nods in concern and pulls Chad aside to settle things. Chad continues to play victim, but tells Papa Harrison he will make it right.
As he storms back into the house, clenching his glass of green juice, ABC informs us this episode will be continued.

Chad's apology weirdly does not contain any semblance of the words "I'm sorry" and he ends the conversation by saying he hasn't gone out of his way to attack anyone in the house. This much is true, it simply comes naturally to him with no effort required.
JoJo shows up for the pool party. They take shots, they chicken fight,  and Evan gets a nosebleed from diving in to the pool. JoJo and Chad take a few minutes to discuss his attitude from the group date evening. Chad doesn't explain himself well (blame it on the steroids) and ends up taking about ice cream and steak.
JoJo sits with Derek and asks why there's a security guy in the house. Derek is honest with her about the Chad situation, but unfortunately for him Chad is a lurker and corners him in the house later to yell and shake his fist. I am sad that Chad is representing Oklahoma.
Rose ceremony time:
James F.

Ali, Nick, and Christian depart the mansion and JoJo announces that the remaining men should all pack their bags for an unknown destination. I'm wondering if the security guard is packing his bags also.
Guys, I am so tired of writing about Chad. 
They end up in Pennsylvania, a far cry from the exotic beach locale I was expecting. There are three dates. Luke gets a one on one date rose. Jordan gets the group date rose. Alex and Chad attend the two on one date. Anyone else seeing the resemblance between Alex and Schmidt from New Girl? Chad FINALLY gets the boot. 
And we all get a break to recover from the two episodes as Harrison informs us that next week is an off week for JoJo and her tribe. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

i'm just here for the free food: Bachelorette Recap Week Two

I have a lot of questions. First, how is it week 2 already? Second, how is it June? Before we know it we are going to be watching Bachelor in Paradise and I'd bet my dog that Chad will be there unless anyone takes out a restraining order on him first. But I'm getting ahead of myself. 
Episode two opens with JoJo gazing out at the scenery on her balcony comparing this to a fairytale, except that she has 20 Prince Charmings to choose from. 
The dudes hang out in the living room after brunch and toast mimosas. Chad chants: "to a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, f*** you guys, I'm going to make her my wife." Update: Chad is still an ass. 
The first date card arrives! Evan scoops it up and reads, "Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, Robby: let's heat things up."
A flaming limo arrives in the driveway and starts exploding from the heat. I am genuinely concerned that somebody is going to have to be a hero if JoJo is in that limo. Thankfully, she comes roaring around the corner in the firetruck and sprays down the flames with muddy water. She passes around hugs before she takes off with her first group date. 
As he watches them go, Chad declares the group date her "B squad" and reminisces on his days as a car salesman. Somehow, I'm not surprised with his work history. 
Since he has so much free time on his hands, Chad commits to his workout routine and proceeds to strap on a weight belt and do pull ups with his suitcase (packed with protein powder) dangling from his waist. 
The rest of the guys judge from the window holding various beverages. 
Meanwhile, on the group date, they pull up to a fire academy and find out there will be a  competition. Winner wins extra time with JoJo. Grant, the firefighter, is like HOLLA I do this for a living! There is a lot of dripping sweat. Wells almost dies and gets told to sit down to the side. He wins extra time with JoJo for nearly passing out. In the end, Grant and Luke battle it out and Grant pulls out the win. JoJo says "you did so good!" Grant thinks back to last week when he did the exact same thing at his place of employment and got paid for it. 
The evening portion of the group date is fairly uneventful. Grant gets a kiss. Wells and JoJo laugh a lot. He whips out pictures of his dog, Carl. Evan lets us know he has kids. Luke and JoJo kiss on a balcony. Wells gets the date rose.
Back at the house, Pitch Perfect 3 is being filmed as the guys sit around and sing a song about missing JoJo. Chad does not join in. The second date card arrives: "Derek, love is full of choices."
The first choice on their date is "sky or sea." They pick sky. Which takes them to an airport where they choose "north or south" North. A private jet flies them to San Fransisco where Derek muses that he has never been on a date like this before. Neither has 99.9% of the population. Their final choice: "Lombard Street or Golden Gate Bridge." They have a picnic near Golden Gate Bridge and a first kiss. Derek says he feels fireworks whenever he looks into her eyes. I vomit a little bit in my mouth. 
Their date continues with dinner, JoJo's sparkly dress nearly blinds me, and they discuss their past relationships. They talk about being open and being closed. Derek gets a rose. 
At the mansion, Chad and Daniel sit around in bro tanks and bond about being douchenozzles. Chad declares the nice guys to be assholes. They evil laugh together and discuss protein shakes. The final date card of the week arrives: "Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex, Chad: prove your love to me and to the nation." Chad nods his head in approval and consoles the dateless dudes with "you've lasted your whole life not seeing JoJo, you'll live a few more days." 
The group date is in Hollywood at ESPN for an episode of BachelorNation (instead of SportsNation). First category: strike a rose! The guys must perform their best or most creative touchdown dance. Second category: eye on the prize! After spinning around with their heads on a baseball bat, each gentleman must propose to JoJo. Most of the men are fairly eloquent, but Chad opts for a simple almost-ass-grab and "will you marry me?" The judges are not impressed and JoJo lets him know she is a "words of affirmation" girl. Chad calls her naggy. The tension in the room rises. Third category: press conference. The guys answer a few questions. One of them, "who should JoJo not pick today and why?" is answered almost unanimously with "Chad." Chad defends himself by saying he chose not to gush today because he doesn't really know JoJo yet and cites again that he is financially ready to settle down. JoJo somehow appreciates his honesty. The power rankings are in and James T, Chad, and Alex come in top three. At the evening portion of the date, James T reads something he wrote to JoJo and she cries and kisses him. It's actually really adorable. Alex and JoJo jump up into a giant chair that only accentuates Alex's lack of height for their one on one time. Chad and JoJo talk. He tells her he's been too busy working the past 4 years to date and that his mom passed away 6 months ago. They kiss at a wishing well. Chad starts to develop feelings for JoJo. 
Let's chat about Chad. Yes, he is absolutely an ass. I think that SOMEHOW he might mean well. He obviously lacks the social skills he needs to get ahead in life, but there is SOME truth behind what he says. He truly did not know JoJo well and didn't feel it was right to gush about her when he doesn't feel he knows what she is all about yet. I can somewhat respect that. 
The group date rose goes to James T. I heart James. Chad broods over JoJo's decision in the shadows. 
At the start of the cocktail party the following evening, Chad hangs around near the door until JoJo arrives to get a few minutes of time. He greets her with a wineglass and they talk. Once they walk in together, everybody panics. Alex gathers Chad for a pow wow and multiple men interrogate him. Chad breaks away from the pow wow to fill his plate with food. I did not realize until THIS SEASON how much food is available at the cocktail party. Chad fills his plate about 6-10 times. He is chewing in nearly every camera shot and drops lunch meat on the floor multiple times. Grant comments that Chad has consumed enough food tonight to feed a kindergarden classroom. Maybe even 5th grade. Chase and JoJo have a mini date complete with falling snow from the sky thanks to the ABC intern. Wells and JoJo TP the front of the mansion. Alex and JoJo get a minute alone and Chad breaks in. 
Alex is an angry elf and gathers the troops to confront Chad. Chad chews his food and walks back inside to go another round at the buffet table. Alex calls him a meltdown. I'm not quite sure what that is. 
Chris Harrison tap tap taps his glass and it's rose ceremony time. 
Chad walks into the rose ceremony chowing down on a sandwich. JoJo walks in. Chad takes a bite out of rolled up piece of lunch meat. He chews as JoJo makes her first choice. Alex. Chad giggles. Christian is next. Chad isn't really sure who Christian is. 
James F. 
Final rose. Chad adjusts his tie and smirks. 

James the super fan goes home to watch the rest of the season from his couch. Brendan the hipster goes back to his succulents and Will goes home to his Texas ranch. 

Top contenders: James T, Derek, Luke. 

Previews for next week: IT'S A TWO NIGHT EIPSODE EVENT? This show will be the death of me. It looks like Chad continues to eat. There is a lot of name calling and a lot of blood. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Everyone is Hammered: Bachelorette Recap Week 1

***taps mic repeatedly*** Is this thing on?
I'm going to be honest. It took me about 3 tries to log into this account considering I haven't been on since March 1, 2015. And I'm here for one reason and one reason only (for now). JoJo's season of the bachelorette is going to be worth blogging. 
I was not impressed by the head shots that ABC provided prior to the season, but 20 minutes into watching the first episode on Tuesday evening on Hulu (which will be my typical viewing night because the Arceneaux-Powell household doesn't get ABC), I texted my friend Carra. She is probably the biggest fan of my previous Bachelor/ette recaps and I need to test the reading waters. Once I discovered I'd have at least two readers (her and her mom), I was in. 
First, some ground rules. 

  1. As previously mentioned, I don't get to watch the Monday episodes so I'll be catching up on Tuesday evenings and hope to be posting a recap on Wednesday. Thursday at the latest. 
  2. I haven't done this blogging thing in almost 15 months. Bear with me. 
  3. Hold me accountable for seeing this through to the end of the season! I think it will be fun. 
Ready, set, RECAP!
JoJo is a unicorn. Literally. If you remember, she introduced herself to Ben last season wearing a unicorn mask. Also, she is probably the most gorgeous female in the continental United States and I have a serious girl crush. Remember that she was the one whispering to Ben on the bathroom floor in the final episode of his season. JoJo is a 90s baby--just barely. December 1990, which makes her 25 and makes me feel about 12. JoJo is ready to find love after being dumped by Ben on national television just a few short months prior. Her recovery is truly inspirational and probably fueled by copious amounts of champagne and jet rides compliments of ABC. 
She arrives at Bachelor Mansion in a shimmery gold dress and says "bring on the men!"
Chris Harrison does as he is told. 
Night 1 is always a blur of names and faces and weird costumes and I don't bother to remember them all because half of them don't stick around for much longer anyway. I would love to know how JoJo remembers names for Night 1 after introductions. Maybe she and Harrison do flashcards right up until the first limo arrives. 
Regardless, JoJo effortlessly greets each guy and welcomes them to the land of testosterone and free fireball. There's a guy in a kilt. A guy in a Santa suit. A guy with an acapella group. A guy on a motorcycle. And a guy who actually rides up to the mansion on a horse with a stick stuck to its head like a unicorn. 
Once inside, the cocktail party begins. Emphasis on the cock. 
Evan, former youth minister turned erectile dysfunction specialist (what????), spends most of the evening scoping out his competition. Watch out for that one at the urinal, fellas. Evan receives a rose. 
Daniel, from Canada, does not make the best impression. His introduction to JoJo begins with "daaaaaamn JoJo" in an effort to mimic the YouTube sensation "daaaaamn daniel." Unfortunately, JoJo doesn't Internet much and Daniel spends an awkward 5 minutes trying to explain it as she smiles politely and tries to remember where the hell Vancouver, Canada is on a map. Daniel gets increasingly drunk as the night wears on, and we overhear him listing off his libations to another guy. "Yeah, so 3 beers, 2 shots of fireball, ..." Canada goes hard? Under the influence, Daniel begins to get to know the other guys by poking them all in their belly buttons. Not kidding. Daniel spends the evening walking around poking grown men in the bellybutton. Everyone else wonders if this is a Canadian greeting. Daniel caps off his night by stripping down to his underwear and diving into the Bachelor pool. Somehow, Daniel receives a rose. 
James sings to JoJo when he steps out of the limo and makes a connection with her based on their Texas roots. She deems him a gentleman and suddenly develops a Texan accent every time they have a conversation. James Taylor receives a rose. 
Chad is an ass. Chad begins his conversation with JoJo by informing her that since he is now financially comfortable he is ready to pursue love. Translation: I have loads of money and use it in conversation because I am really insecure in my personality. Chad's ass receives a rose.  
Jordan Rodgers (former NFL player that neither I NOR Tanner has ever heard of) receives the first impression rose for his kissing skills. Instant chemistry, top contender in my book. But, as the astute Bachelor Superfan points out to the rest of the guys "Olivia got the first impression rose last season and got left on an island." Point for Superfan. 
Vinny stares down JoJo in the rose ceremony until she decides she doesn't want to die tonight and calls his name for a rose. 
The most dramatic part of the entire episode was when a stray limo pulled up to the mansion just before the Rose Ceremony. Jake Pavelka steps out and my jaw drops. How did he get past security? Where is Harrison? HOW IS THIS HAPPENING? The guys whisper amongst themselves and Bachelor Superfan fills them in on Jake the Snake's past. Everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief when it's discovered that Jake is there as a "big brother" to JoJo to give her advice as she takes on this role of Bachelorette. She listens and nods and then promptly forgets everything he says because he's still single so how did this work for him again? 
Notable people that did not receive a rose: a gentleman from a rival staffing firm in Chicago that will not be named but who I did most certainly look up on LinkedIn. A guy in a kilt that walks himself out of the mansion just as the sun is coming up. He says this really sucks. It probably sucks more since he wore a kilt. 

Top contenders: 

  1. Jordan
  2. Luke
  3. James
Questions I have going into next week:

  1.  How bad was Daniel's hangover?
  2. Is the acapella group going to stay for the entire season?
  3. What happened to the horse/unicorn?

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Adulting Milestone

After much procrastination, I finally christened my kitchen repertoire with a venture into the world of crockpot cooking. I cook nearly every week night after a long day at work and I've been fascinated with the idea of coming home to a meal that has cooked ITSELF during the day and is ready to eat when I walk into the door. Before investing in a crockpot of my own, I borrowed Shari's to see what I thought of the size. That was nearly a month ago. That sucker sat on a shelf taunting me with every passing day. 
I'll admit, I was intimidated by the crockpot. I'm familiar with pots and pans and cookie sheets, but crockpots are a total mystery. It's size alone was enough to send me scurrying for a frozen pizza instead of prepping for a warm meal. In addition to the size of the instrument, crockpot recipes tend to be very ingredient heavy. I'm not an ingredient grocery shopper. I grocery shop once a month (or once every two months if I can get away with it) and buy the staples. Pasta, chicken breasts, ground turkey, spaghetti sauce, Kraft macaroni and cheese, frozen vegetables grace my pantry and refrigerator shelves. I haven't yet mastered the art of weekly meal planning (probably because since I'm only cooking for one and this one doesn't care enough to make every meal exciting) and every Pinterest crockpot recipe I have come across called for fresh vegetables and things like corn starch. Who buys corn starch? What even is corn starch? 
I found a recipe on Sunday during a Pinterest binge that promised "easy crock pot sweet garlic chicken." They had me at easy and garlic, honestly. I had frozen chicken breasts in my freezer and garlic powder in the pantry so I assumed I was set. 
When I got home Sunday afternoon I finally clicked the link to see how to assemble my ingredients. I was met with a plethora of added ingredients that suddenly made this easy recipe seem difficult.
Here's how my crockpot meal prep went: 

  1. 4-6 chicken breasts. Duh. CHECK. 
  2. 1 cup brown sugar. huh. I think so. Let me check Kirsten's sugar stash. Oh, it's all frozen solid. I'll bang it on the counter until it loosens. It's not working, I'll just sprinkle in as much as I can. 
  3. 2/3 cup apple cider vinegar. I don't even have regular vinegar. Red's Apple Ale it is. I'll take a sip or two. Sunday Funday. 
  4. 1/4 cup lemon-lime soda. Definitely don't have that. Oh! Here's some lemon juice. I'll squirt a few drops into the mix. 
  5. 2-3 tbsp minced garlic. Garlic powder works the same, right? 
  6. 2 tbsp soy sauce. CHECK. 
  7. 1 tsp fresh ground pepper. CHECK.
  8. 2 tbsp corn starch. WHAT THE HELL IS CORN STARCH? I'm skipping this one. Probably not that important.
  9. 2 tbsp water. CHECK. Thank you City of Norman. 
Needless to say, when I turned that four hour switch on, I was nervous. But after an hour or so I started to smell delicious smells coming from the kitchen. All due to the garlic, of course. Why is it that garlic smells so wonderful when it's coming from food, but when it's coming from someone's mouth it's horrid? Something to ponder. 
Finally, 4 hours later, I sat down to an "easy crock pot sweet garlic chicken" breast. And it was AMAZING. None of my improvisations had ruined it! I skipped a few steps at the end because lack of corn starch which probably would have improved the intensity of flavor, but overall I'm feeling like A Very Lucky Chef and have overcome my fear of crockpots. #adultwin

Monday, February 23, 2015

A Snow Day Story

It's 2:08 pm on a Monday afternoon. I would usually be in appointments with potential students or calling new leads, but instead I'm sitting in bed with Netflix and a frozen pizza. How did I get here?
It's a snow day. But it didn't begin that way.
My alarm went off at 7:58 as usual and I began my morning. I saw a dusting of snow outside, but I hadn't heard from my boss about whether was campus was open or closed so I showered, ate breakfast, and left for my commute with plenty of time for cautious driving. 
On my way to work I fought the internal battle of wanting to go. It's a daily struggle to get up and go to a place where there is a high probability of facing rejection. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I love that I have the opportunity to change lives everyday. But it does get hard. It can be hard to pick up the phone and call a potential student who has hung up on me 5 times that week already. But the job requires that kind of persistence and tenacity.
Which is why every workday morning finds me in the car giving myself a pep talk to keep driving. It usually involves inspirational music and the promise of an adult beverage when I return home that evening. This morning was similar, but as I made a slippery turn and thought "why are we even going in today, no one is going to show up for appointments," my brain countered with "there's someone who needs you today. Or someone that you need today." It is absolutely true. Everyday is a chance for an exchange of inspiration, either there is someone who I am supposed to inspire or there is someone who is going to inspire me to be a better representative or a better person in general.
We've been talking about our vision for the admissions department in meetings lately and part of what I suggested to the team is working on our integrity. We often meet students who are very unhappy with their current jobs and I tell them that they deserve to go to a job that they don't dread everyday. Our admissions team deserves the same thing, so I need to make the choice to be happy with my environment daily, no matter what the circumstances are!
As I made that slippery turn into the school this morning after my epiphany, I was actually excited to walk in those doors.
And then the school director met me at the door with "Oh, I was just about to call you." *facepalm*
Since I was already there, I figured I may as well be useful and spent a few hours rescheduling our Monday appointments and even enrolled a walk-in. She is why I do my job. She wanted to go to school so badly that she drove on a snowy, freezing day to find out more about her options. She was the reason that I didn't get the snow day phone call before I got to work. I was meant to be in the office for a few hours today to get to meet her. 
Snow seems to suspend the world in a magical shroud of mystery. I don't know yet what tomorrow holds. I could be snowed in with F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for company. But if I'm not, A Very Lucky Girl will find the reason why.