Tuesday, June 11, 2013

An Affair of the Hartsock: Episode Three

Now that I've started working this summer, I look forward to Monday Bachelorette nights even more. This one did not disappoint.

Date Card One: "Chris, Ryan, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zak, Ben...love is a battlefield."
Des met her men in a clashing neon outfit of orange tank top and hot pink sweatshirt and invited them into a garage. A team of professional dodgeball players greeted them and taught them the tricks of the trade. I played dodgeball in P.E. in sixth grade. I could probably teach them a few things. But these pros were intense and were here for the right reasons.
One of Des' men monologued, "it's all fun and games until the ambulance arrives and someone has a broken face." And here, class, we have a prime example of foreshadowing by the ABC production team.
Chris Harrison interrupted the dodgeball practice to introduce a "winner-takes-all" match and randomly split the guys into a red team and a blue team.
The teams changed into brand spankin' new Soffee shorts and strutted out looking like they just stepped out of the movie Stepbrothers.
I ventured to hope they were wearing cups. Susan, my watching buddy, contradicted, "I hope they're not!"
Drew, a favorite, got so much camera time for the narration of the games. I was giddy with excitement over this turn of events.
Blue team won the first game.
Red team won the second game.
And at the beginning of the third game, Brooks went down. Because of a broken finger. What. Based on the previews I was expecting an exploding spleen or something else truly horrific.
One of the men described the third game as "do or die," but Brooks would change it to "do or break your digits."
Blue team won the final game and Susan and I had a premature celebration for more camera time with Drew. But Des crashed our party by inviting everyone to HER party. Lame. Cut down on the drama.
Scene cut to Brooks in the ER with an oxygen tube in his nose because his broken finger is a real life drain. I cowered as the camera cut to an unfortunate angle of his splayed legs...Why did it look like he was giving birth?!

Back at the after dodgeball party, Des and Brad get together yeah yeah yeah. Brad brought up the topic of his 3 year old son. Ben, take notes. This is the way you don't use your offspring to get some. The entire conversation had a victorious, coming-from-behind air about tit.
Chris "found" this awesome spot (one Chris Harrison came and told him about, I'm sure) and got some private time with Des.
Brooks valiantly rolled up in a limo (surprisingly sans wheelchair, yet still cradling his fragile finger) and started kissing Des in order to make up for his lost time.
I like how Des doles out roses on group dates: she makes sure to highlight her good conversation with each guy. Chris received the date rose and a private concert by a girl that ABC didn't even bother to introduce. Brandon spied on Des and Chris from a balcony before reporting back to the rest of the group.

The following morning, Des wrote in a journal (maybe the one Zak gave her?). Hark, her phone ringeth. It is Sir Chris Harrison, calling to administer justice. Des zoomed to the Bachelor mansion in BlueBentley; pushing her pedal to the metal to call out the bleepity bleep who dared to mislead her.
Des invited Brian outside to talk, in hopes of garnering a confession of a girlfriend back home. Chris Harrison arrived with Brian's girlfriend? ex girlfriend? Stephanie in tow. Des hugged Stephanie in an embrace of solidarity.
The rest of the guys in the house casually eavesdrop by the open doors and windows. Stephanie squeaky voiced her way through a several accusations. Chis Harrison tried to mediate the chaos, but cannot control a woman who isn't on his show contractually.
Long story short, Des kicked the "lying, cheating, deceitful pig" off of the island and Big Pauly escorted Brian and his baggage outside to the black van of misfortune.
Steph and Des exchanged phone numbers and promised to meet for coffee ASAP sistah-frand!

Date Card Two: "Kasey, Love defies gravity..."
As they finally leave for their date after the drama laden morning, Kasey mused, "where are we going?" Dude, get your head in the game. This is the easiest clue ABC has ever given.
They inevitably end up on the side of a building in downtown LA in order to dance. I can't even dance upright, let alone on the side of a building, so props to the pros who taught Des and Kasey.
After an afternoon of dare-devilry, Kasey and Des attempted to eat dinner on the top of previously said building.
Unfortunately , the Santa Ana winds weren't having it and silverware went flying. The date rose started to flutter in the heavy breeze. They jumped in the pool and exchanged some awkward kisses, but ended their date on some stairs. Des pinned him with the windblown rose "for being a good sport."

Date Card Three: "James, Juan Pablo, Zak, Dan, Bryden..."
The men are met by a horse and stagecoach duo and are driven to the hicktown heart of Cali in order to act out scenes from the upcoming movie, Lone Ranger. They perfected lasso-ing, quickdraw of pistols, and fighting for justice.
Despite Dan's pants splitting, Juan Pablo's spouting of Spanish won the alone time up for grabs. He and Des entered a barn to watch a private viewing of Lone Ranger.
This was the only time I'd ever seen the Bachelor or Bachelorette eat. Des and Juan Pablo shoveled in the popcorn. Juan Pablo smoothly fed her a piece, after "accidentally" dropping and recovering it from her boob.
They then kissed with popcorn kernels still in their mouths. It's real, guys.
Later, Des and JP (not to be confused with Ashley's JP) joined the rest of the group. Bryden and Des sat in a tree and I had flashbacks to Sean's season. Bryden eventually picked up on Des' moves and kissed her. Des and Zak talked about his awkward attempt to kiss her earlier, but he didn't redeem himself with a current kiss, so points off!
James and Des shared a blanket, but I was surprised there was room for her under it with him AND his ego. Poor Des just got a corner.
James' sob story unfortunately got the date rose and I had my mind made up to hate him. But he countered Des' rose offer with a daisy offer of his own PLUS a cheek kiss and I couldn't help but like him.

Chris Harrison made another surprise visit to the mansion in midday to announce that there would be no cocktail party, but rather a pool party. Ben staked out the front door and waited for Des to arrive. He asked for a quick ride in BlueBentley and they kissed in the driveway. Which is weird because Ben was wearing a women's tank top and hot pink shorts and I sure wouldn't be into that.
The whole group played volleyball and sipped cocktails and I sighed over Des' hot bod.
Brandon and Des had a poolside chat where he admitted he's "falling in love" with her. Too soon, bro, too soon. I admired his honesty, but he needed to reign it in.

The rose ceremony finally rolled around and Des walked in with terrible formal dress number three of the season. It was a great color (royal blue), but terrible style. Roses went to Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak, Brooks, Drew, Zach, Brad, Michael, Mikey, and Ben. James, Kasey, and Chris were safe from their previous roses.
The departed included Dan (pants-splitter) and Brandon (man tears galore). I was sad to see Brandon go because he is truly sincere, but I hope he has found a therapist.
Next week, A Very Lucky Girl is willing the departures of Michael, Mikey, and Ben and rooting for Drew and Chris.

No comments:

Post a Comment