An Affair of the Hartsock: Episode Five

The guys unwind from their long flight in an abundance of muted toned hoodies on a subway in Munich, Germany. Ben shares one of his many ulterior motive for applying for this show in his confession of never crossing the ocean before. He's checking two boxes off of his bucket list at once: travel, be a  jackass, and wear a womanly tank top. Oh wait, that's three! He's a go-getter. 
Chris Harrison welcomes the gang, sharing Des' excitement for her first time in Europe to be with such great guys, and announces the dates for the week. The guys feel their plane food trying to make a second showing as they hear about the dreaded two-on-one date in store this week. 
Chris heartlessly plants seeds of false hope by proclaiming, "see you all at the next rose ceremony!" Such a rose tease. At least one man will not be there to witness Des' sparkly dress choice of the week.

Date One: "Chris, *insert words in German*..."
The couple wanders the streets and Chris fakes the German language as they struggle to navigate. After tasting sausages and trying on traditional apparel of calf bands, flouncy skirts, and suspenders, the German virgins ("it's my first time and her first time!") dance in the streets to the music of the culture.
Meanwhile, back at camp Bachelor, Bryden over analyzes his progress in a relationship with Des. He makes the decision to remove himself from the situation and decides to tell her immediately, effectively crashing her date with Chris. He asks randos on the street if they've seen television crews and cameras. I'm sure they were thinking, "uhh the ones with you..." Too bad ABC couldn't throw him a bone and at least give him a hint. Marco polo? Hot/cold? Head due KimK's offspring?

Bryden finally tracks down the dancing couple and asks Chris if he can steal Des for a few minutes. Chris gallantly relinquishes his date, even while mourning the loss of time with her. Bryden's exit negatively effects Des, but she swears through her tears she isn't going to let his departure ruin her date with Chris. Over beer, Chris pushes to develop open lines of communication with Des and encourages her to talk about the loss of Bryden. 
They sup in a castle and Chris is really excited about it because it means he doesn't have to worry about brushing his teeth or when he has to go to bed. Which leads me to wonder if the guys have a live-in nanny back at the hotel. 
Chris wrote another poem for Des on the plane to Munich. I struggled to hold back bile as her eyes filled and she reached to kiss him. There's a sealed rose deal if I ever saw one. 
Dinner ends and a private concert begins with Matt White. Private concert, in Bachelor land, is really just code for making out to live music. I have to say...I kind of like Chris and Des together. TeamChrisNotHarrison.

Group Date Card: "Juan Pablo, James, Zak, Brooks, Drew, Mikey, and Kasey, will you climb the highest mountain for me?"
Surprise, surprise, the group takes a gondola to the highest peak in all of Germany and go on a scavenger hunt for Heidi. Not really, but they do meet a yodeling German elder. After the guys all give yodeling a shot it's time for sledding. But these aren't sleds. These are kickboards with a steering stick. Des crashes and burns and the entire party turns into a snowball fight at the foot of the hill. After snow angels, Des suggests warming up and leads them into an igloo/snowbank. I immediately started to experience second-hand claustrophobia. NO windows? One exit? What if there's a freak German earthquake? It's happened in Oklahoma.... Bachelorette: Buried Alive. I was stressed.

Des takes turns finding alcoves to kiss the guys in. Mikey steals her away to suggest making a snowman family outside and Des reluctantly sets down her cocktail to dig in the cold snow. Zak interrupts the intimate snow babymaking moment with yodeling practice. When they aren't with Des, the men on the group date snuggle under blankets as the date rose stares at them from its bed of snow. 
Des presents the rose to Brooks, much to the dismay of James, who scoffs, "we are two opposite people!" For instance, James is straight and we are still wondering about Brooks. 

Two on One Date: "Michael and Ben, let's heat things up!"
When the men discovered they'd be on this date together, they joined hands and danced around. Nahhht. Ben felt utterly confident in his relationship with Des and Michael vowed "I need to now go and murder Ben." Thankfully TSA confiscated his weapons before he left America, or else this quickly could have turned into an episode of Law&Order SVU. 
On date day, the guys set out in a silent limo to meet Des, each lost in their own thoughts of hatred toward the other. Michael is determined to find Ben guilty of impersonating a southern gentleman and Ben is equally as set on keeping his cool. 
Des invites them to a lake, already anticipating the awkwardness. I felt the tension through the screen as the trio exchanges platitudes about the scenery. Des plans to loosen up the group with a polar bear plunge and leads the guys to the freezing lake. Prank-driven Des tells them the idea was just a joke (OMG-SO HILAR) and trades the plunge into the lake for a plunge into a boat/hottub creation. IT WAS AMAZING. TAKE MY MONEY.
Des steers the hottub around the lake a little less than skillfully while Michael purposefully brings up touchy conversation topics. The same continues at dinner. Michael continues to pepper Ben with questions about his son and why he didn't attend Easter service with the rest of the guys. Instead of a date with Des, this evening has turned into a debate. 
Just when I think this has turned into a suicide mission for Michael, Des contemplates sending them both home. After listening to Michael's concerns about Ben, Des daintily picks up the red elephant in the room and chooses to give it to Michael. Ben opts to walk himself out in a blind rage. The remaining guys celebrate as his luggage is banished from Germany. Michael is pleased with himself, but I have no doubt his days are numbered. 
Back at the suite, Drew calls a group meeting to discuss Mikey and James' conversation about how they can run the world and get all kinds of girl after just being on the show. Truly disgusted, Drew plans to tell her at the cocktail party exactly what he overheard with his bro Kasey.

Des arrives at the fifth rose ceremony in a leather-ish dress and a fur coat. Animal activists worldwide are up in arms. She diplomatically tries to answer Chris Harrison's questions about which guys are the best kissers, but our star interviewer managed to hear that Brooks is best for sentimental kissing, but Zak has the strictly physically aspects of a kiss down. The more you know. 
Des decides she doesn't need a cocktail party, effectively shutting down Drew's tattling strategy. The guys walk into the rose ceremony and watch as Des descends a stairway of death. Serious props to homegirl for navigating that sucker in heels. In the middle of her "I think I can trust everyone here" speech, Drew looks like he's about to throw up. 
Zak accepts a rose (it must be his kisses).
Juan Pablo accepts a rose in a sweater vest.
Kasey accepts a #rose.
Drew accepts a rose. I'm about to call and complain if we don't see more of him soon!
James accepts a rose. Drew gapes at his entry into the rose club. 
Mikey is left roseless.  I wasn't sad to see him go and join the ranks of Bryden (the over analyst) and Ben (the father). 
Drew holds his tongue for another week, but Barcelona, Spain looks like a trainwreck. A Very Lucky Girl can't wait to watch this thing go up in flames. 


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