Bachelorette Week Eleven: Finale and After the Final Rose

The Emily/Ricki duo and her suitors are still in Curacao soaking up the sun rays but sticking to their spray tans. Jef monologues on his way to meet the Maynard family, adamant that he loves Emily more than any other girl in his life. But not any other guy? One F, your red flag is showing. He hands bouquets of expensive flowers to Emily's female family members, which I originally thought was courtesy of ABC's checkbook, but Arie's empty hands proved otherwise. Jef converses with the Maynard men about what it would mean to be a husband to Emily and dad to "little Ricki." seriously, her name is always a phrase. I can't help but think hip hop/rap artist. Brother Ernie (too eerily close to Arie) stares down One F, but Jef doesn't waver in his declarations. 

Arie arrives to meet the family Maynard in a shirt that resembles part of a long johns set and bearing no gifts, upon first look. BUT WAIT, he has a wooden box. Filled with old roses he's won from the season. You'd think a race car driver would have some spare cash lying around but this one clearly doesn't win a lot. That's like a guy handing a dad a box of old trophies from his high school athletics days and thinking that'll win his blessing. 

Emily shows that she doesn't know her own mind by practically begging her family to tell her whom to choose. I notice that fiveheads run in the family. Maybe she should call Ames? The Maynard family remains tight lipped on whom they think is best for Emily so she goes on her date with Jef still confused.  They sport matching neon colors. One F missed a spot with his hairspray, there's an awfully distracting strand dancing in a Northeastern direction throughout their entire seaside conversation. The ocean is really inconsiderately loud and I feel like I'm hanging out on the inside of a conch shell. Nice job ABC editing. Emily ultimately decides to introduce Jef to Ricki, although not before allowing him to creep on her darling daughter through slats in the shutters. Uhhh. Of course the meeting is perfect blahblahblah and we move on to an adults only dinner. Jef gifts Emily with a coffee table book on Curacao, complete with his own stick figure additions. One scene depicts them sprawled side by side on a couch and I cowered behind my fingers in fear of possible upcoming stick figure porn. 

After Emily's conversation with Chris Harrison about her emotions because she always needs someone to hold her hand we get a torturous scene of Arie making flower soup in anticipation for Emily's arrival for their date. His supposed love potion doesn't work because sorryboutcha but "One F has a skateboard and you waste gas on a race car but can't shell out big bucks for some flowers for my mom? One F and I are trying to save the environment here." Okay, I might have paraphrased. I respected Arie for his no-nonsense exit, refusing to fawn all over Emily and make a scene. He was rejected, it is what it is, it was time to leave. 

Jef and Neil Lane have their ring shindig, Jef makes a soulmate speech to Emily on what looks like a riser surrounded by flowers in the middle of the Curaceo town square. I suppressed my gag reflex and expressed my regret for watching in live-time because now I couldn't fast forward. Tyler said, "uh I think most girls are probably crying right now." Yeah well I had one tear. It didn't fall, it doesn't count. Em says yes, ABC plays a video montage to a cheesy 80's song and we are off to After the Final Rose.

Emily casually shows off her solid sparkling rock but humbly says she'd be pleased with only a piece of tape wrapped around her finger. Hi, my name's BULLSH--! Arie comes to the stage to reminisce on their make out memories but I'm immensely distracted by the ponytail crease in Emily's hair. Can wardrobe get that girl a hairbrush? Arie confesses to his bromantic love for Jef, "I mean Chris Harrison, did you SEE him in that suit he proposed in? HOT DAYUM!" Emily and Jef cuddle as they announce their engagement publicly for the first time and I shut off the TV. The season is OVER.

Thanks for letting me recap for you every week, I've really enjoyed it! I'm still debating on whether I will recap Bachelor Pad, but I feel like I could sum it up in about one sentence. They all hook up with each other, talk about each other, and someone wins some cash. Thoughts? I'll recap if you'd like!

Until next time,
A Very Lucky Girl


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