Bachelorette Recap Week Nine: Fantasy Suites

Bow Chicka Wow Wow! This is the night I've been waiting for all season. This is when the door gets slammed in our faces while they get it on. However, Oakes trying to imitate Emily's preview crying was already a highlight at the very beginning. The night could only get better. They traveled to Curacao. I don't know much about the country, but I know I like the drink and it's pretty blue hue. 

She sits on some really uncomfortable coral with her slowly fading spray tan to monologue about how much in disbelief she is that guys are traveling the world for free to date her! OMG! IN SHOCK! "Jef marches to his own drum completely and I love that" No, Emily, he IS the drummer in his own boy band. Have you SEEN his hair? 6 minutes in and we are still hearing about Jef. But after we trade that in for close-ups of Arie's acne I'm wishing for Jef, Sean, even Ryan back in the mix. Arie gets about 2 minutes of description. Sucks to suck. I tend to forget about Sean. She writes her name in the sand with a "+ ?" that a wave conveniently rears up and washes away, leaving only Miss Independent, Emily Maynard. I can't handle these metaphors right now. 

Sean gets lucky number one date card, and consequently less of a chance of STD's. He says Curacao has rolling hillsides. This is not Texas, Dallas boy. Oh, so you ARE blonde? I didn't doubt it for a second. They STILL continue to talk about past relationships? That should be long over and done with by now. He is less than two weeks from possibly proposing. Conversation should be WE-focused. Not you-and-that-one-other-slut-that-one-time centered. And, like a gentleman, he takes the sun in his eyes like a champ, so that Emily can have the sun as her background. Nothing less for the queen of this island. They go snorkeling, but by snorkeling they mean kiss for hours in the ocean water where all the sharks hang out. Because ABC's insurance wasn't sky-high already with all the bungee-jumping and extreme heights: love edition. I think the theme of this season could be letters, because Sean whips one out, filled with impeccable handwriting, might I add. However, instead of addressing his note to Emily, he tries for the Ricki angle. Don't mess with the system, Sean. He says the L word just in time, as his fantasy suite card hung in the balance. He raises his eyebrows in anticipation, cuz he SO knows what's coming. "Yes, I would love to stay up and talk with you all night! thanks so much for the invite!" The coyness would almost be cute if it wasn't obnoxiously fake. EXCEPT, WAIT JUST A SECOND, SHE TELLS HIM TO LEAVE. What a plot twist, not to mention a TEASE.

Jef gets the second date and hesitantly says, "I'm not one hundred percent sure if it's gonna work out" on his way to meet Maynard. "Because I'm Mormon." Yeah, we were all thinking about that too, Jefmeister. "Look, we are gonna be on that boat all day today, just the two of us!" And 100 ABC producers and crew members. But the surrounding people are used to that PDA by now, I hope. But combine that with potential seasickness and the romance on that yacht could be killed off real fast. The couple jump in the water to kick off the water kissing activities and I'm immensely impressed by Maynard's bikini sticking skills. Because mine have been malfunctioning all summer when I jump around in the pool with the kids. I need to learn her secret to not losing your top after a dive. I'll get serious for 2.3 seconds and say that I though Emily and Jef's dinner conversation was the best yet. Of anyone's conversation all season. It sounded like something that would be said on a REAL date. Not on a reality show. Chris kindly offers them the fantasy suite and Jef refuses out of respect for their families. And I die inside at his gentlemanly-ness. But still, that's one rejection for the blonde Barbie. Maybe even her first ever. They compromise by saying, "let's just hang out and not spend the night." Oh, so a quickie? Got it, Jef and Em. Your secret is safe with me. And the rest of America. "Right now is the time for us to bridle these passions." Hang on to your horses, we've got some equestrian lingo on our hands.

Arie and Emily are so excited to see each other and hang out! Or make out. It's interchangeable. They swim with dolphins and Emily freaks out, jumping into Arie's arms for protection from some of the friendliest creatures on earth. She interrogates him on his favorite part of the journey thus far and he admits it was pushing her up against that wall in that rando country, Prague or Croatia? So many places, too many tongues. Hard to keep track. But the fact that kissing her against a wall rates high on his list of favorite times and she agrees, is telling. That's what you look for in a future spouse? Kissing abilities? Hello Shallow Shannon and Shane! (I had to wrack my brain for those names). During dinner there's a glare coming off of Arie's face that made me wish for my sunglasses, but I managed to spy, with my little eye, a possible hickey. Or his Adam's apple. Either way, nothing should be that prominent. Arie doesn't even GET the option of the fantasy suite card because Emily has no self control. Letdown. 

Rose Ceremony
Her mermaid skirt is scaly and disgusting because her wardrobe consultants go MIA before every ceremony to dodge her tears. I don't blame them. "I can honestly say that I am falling in love with all 3 guys and I don't think polygamy is a bad thing" is what I hear everytime she opens her mouth to whine about how hard life is. I fast forwarded until TiVo caught up with the live broadcast. So I had to suffer through "together we can watch a thousand sunsets" from Jef and "my heart is always racing towards you" (race car reference anyone?) from Arie. I don't know what Sean said but I like his abs. OH, His shirt was ON? #awkward.

Emily makes it clear that she wants a minion to do all her breaking up for her. No volunteers.
Rose One: dramatic pause for at least a minute. A minute is a really long time on live-time TV. Jef Holm is the lucky recipient.
Rose Two: Crescendo-ed music. Flickering tiki torches. Arie Luaslfjkkljfalsdkjfek gets pinned.
Sean doesn't get a rose, but he does get an offer from Megan, "poor Sean, I'll take you home."
Jef and Arie bond over their win and their love of skinny jeans. Sean morosely sits on a bench and we hear some sort of really annoying cricket/bird in the background. Somebody SPEAK, PLEASE. Or cry. She sniffles. He, mercifully, mainly keeps his tears inside the ducts. Don't worry Sean, someone will love your abs, I promise. Call Megan maybe?

The finale looks cry-y. I plan on fast forwarding A LOT. But A Very Lucky Girl will pay rapt attention to Men Tell All. 


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