Bachelorette Recap Week Eight: Hometown

The introduction to the episode of Hometown dates makes everything look seventeen times more dramatic. Emily starts off spending time with Ricki while rocking a skull shirt. So motherly! I thought Ricki was about 8 or 9. She acts 4 or 5. Cameras don't bring out the best in her.

Chris: Chicago, Illinois

The guys finally get to wear the pants in the relationship and plan the dates. Chris mentions them having a fantastic life in Chicago with Emily, but if I'm not mistaken Emily has said several times that she doesn't want to leave Charlotte. Chris makes it clear that he's Polish.

Apparently the rule of thumb when meeting the parents is to raise your voice several octaves to indicate extreme enthusiasm. I think Emily thinks of Chris as a son. She is afraid for him to get his heart broken, even though she is the one in control of that. Chris' sister lets Em know what's up and tells her to let him go if he isn't the one. Sound advice, in my opinion.

Chris awkwardly hems and haws a declaration of love, which ruins the entire romance of a statement. He says that their kiss is "perfection". I am instantly transported to Friends, when Chandler admits "gum would be perfection". I might have an addiction. And I might have tuned out a lot of this date in favor of admiring the cutest 2 year old in the world that I had the pleasure of babysitting. 

Jef: Salt Lake City, Utah (home of the Mormons)

Emily Maynard's bra straps are showing. Badly. Invest in a strapless. They go skeet shooting, who knew that skinny jeans and shotguns go together? And, of course, Emily hits the target on the first try, leading Jef to exclaim, "Emily looks SO hot with a gun!" We meet his family, minus his parents who are leading a two-year mission, and his brother is sporting a lovely receding hairlines. I think they run in the Mormon genes. And I mean that in the most politically correct way possible. Emily gets grilled by balding brother and looks like she wants a beer. It's not offered. Brother Bald sagely states, "Love isn't an investment, it's an adventure." I personally kinda feel like it's both...but whatever. Mormons know best? 

Girl time. All the sisters gather around Emily and pepper her with questions, all talking at once, until Emily asks if Jef is ready for a 6 year old. Then all I could hear was the ironic crying of children in the background. I do see her fitting well into Jef's family. She's already got the hairstyle down to match the other women. 

Jef reads a letter to her after they leave his family. Next thing ya know, they are making out on a blanket. Smooth move, Jefy boy.

Arie: Scottsdale, Arizona

Of course, ABC makes sure to have Arie meet Em to the racetrack to prove how much she trusts him yadda yadda yadda yadda. She describes Arie as "stupid hot". Oh, what a compliment. We learn that Arie's parents are very "European". I'm not sure what that means. We'll see....

I got really bored during their picnic and noticed Arie has an excessive amount of arm hair on his forearms...but his biceps reflect light like they're freshly shaved. Hawkward. 

First things first during family time, the heavy Dutch accents compliment Emily's southern one. But then his parents start talking in Dutch, clearly about her. Arie joins in the Dutch conversation and Emily just kinda twiddles her thumbs. 

Arie's dad gives his blessing in about 3 sentences, "Oh yeah she's pretty and nice, go get married." Glad we had that talk, Dad. 

Sean: Dallas, Texas

Southerners unite. Emily says hi to Sean once but says "hey puppies!" about 14 times after that. Sean does not look cute in Texas. That sky just isn't doing him any favors. Or maybe it's the really cliché cornfield that's making me gag. After his family finishes looking like a magazine spread Sean drops the "I still live at home" bomb on Maynard. And she says, "Oh cool!" But what she really means is "oh snap...this isn't gonna work." And then Sean starts showing off his stuffed animals and cookie crumbs on the dresser. I think Sean might have taken his living at home joke too far. She had already mentally broken up with him over his lack of independence. It's hard to come back from that. 

Sean's parents are the absolute SWEETEST. I love that they are looking at both sides of the relationship, not just how their son feels or would feel but also showing concerns for Emily's feelings. I would have been okay without the super up close shot of their kiss. Too much tongue in one frame, ABC. After Emily starts to drive off Sean remembers that he forgot to hit the gym that morning so he chases after the SUV for one more kiss to get his daily run in. The reward system works wonders. 

Rose Ceremony:

We got to relive all the dates in her recap with Chris Harrison, as if I wasn't bored already. Emily is too empathetic for this show. Grow a pair Maynard and break some hearts. That's what you signed up for. She says that she's ready to get down to the 3 guys that she has "super strong feelin's for" which means she's ready to get naked. Because y'all know what next week is...fantasy suites!!!!

Arie accepts his rose. Jef accepts his rose. Chris desperately wants to stop the rose ceremony again to prevent the inevitable, but even he knows that wouldn't be charming this week. Sean accepts his rose. Chris hangs his head in preparation for the tantrum sure to follow. "I'm actually shocked," Sorry Chris, Ryan already used that line. Try again? "Do you have an explanation?" Nope, not exactly the redeeming break up speech she was looking for. He is certain he is more of a man than the remaining gentlemen are. Except wait, didn't he bawl his eyes out quite a bit during episode 7? Am I wrong? No, I'm never wrong. At least when it comes to Emily Maynard's love life. 

Oooh we are in for some whiny crying next week. Counting the days? Nope not really, A Very Lucky Girl is more than ready for the drama of Bachelor Pad.