Monday, July 30, 2012

Bachelor Pad Week Two: Put All Your Tears in Ed's Trophy

One minute into the mere teasers of tonight's episode and I already saw 7 more tongues than I ever wanted to witness in my life. The twins start off the show with a bang, crying over name-calling. The fight is appropriate considering their matching dresses. They should have stopped dressing like each other in second grade. Your mom is no longer picking out your clothes; show your own mind. 


Chris Harrison announces that both a guy and a girl will win a rose in the following challenge. They watch a rhythmic gymnastics demonstration and Tony remarks that he would rather do a hammer toss. Shoulda stuck around for the Highland Games on Emily's season. Erica is shaking in her glitteratti tiara, "I'm not good at...performing." Well DON'T ADMIT THAT TO AMERICA, ERICA! Gosh. Ever heard of a little mystery? #mindinthegutter
The group is split into guys versus girls and are given two hours to become star ballerinas, taught by rhythmic gymnasts that are barking orders through the wires in their braces. They receive skimpy leotards to complete the failure ensemble. Ashley and J.P, from a previous season of the Bachelorette, and Tasha Shweeeiiiiiiiger, Olympic medalist in 2000 and whose name I probably just butchered, judge the competition. The girls are horrendous; the guys are disturbingly good at prancing around with wands. 
The worst girl, Erica Rose, and the worst guy, Ed, receive a vote in the elimination ballot box for their poor performances. The best guy, Michael, and the best girl, Blakeley (strippers are bendy), receive roses and date cards to take 3 people out. 


Michael chooses Lindzi, Donna, and Rachel to "rock the night away" on his date. A random, Nickelback-esque band is playing. Kudos to the date group for looking like they had a good time. Rachel and Michael have instant chemistry, the kind that causes you to lip lock for the first time in front of 40 strangers...
Michael takes Donna aside for some one-on-one time and she shows him her uber creepy drawing of him. Moved by this awkward gesture, Michael makes all of her fantasies come true (her words NOT mine) by kissing her. I could have lived all of my lives without the up close and personal shot of lizard tongues mating. Mental note to NEVER kiss like that. EVER. Rachel gets the date rose. 


As Michael is wining and dining the three women, it's Jamie's 26th birthday back at the mansion. And none of her wishes are coming true. She wants Chris, Blakeley has Chris and the power-wielding rose, and Chris is a douche. Hence, Chris kisses Jamie and then spends the night with Blakeley, whose bunk is conveniently located right beneath Jamie's. I'm sure tears were a perfect mood setter. It's safe to say Jamie's 26th birthday was a bust. 


Blakeley chooses Chris, Ed, and Dave "to make this day racy" on her date. When Dave is chosen for the date Erica Rose remarks, "it's really surprising Dave has gotten so far in this game." Erica, it's week two. It's really surprising that you all haven't died of chlamydia, alcohol poisoning, or BOTH yet. The datees go to a soap box derby racing track, decorate their own cars, and race to win a trophy. Ed wins the trophy, instantly transforming it into an extra large champagne glass. The race for the rose is on. Dave knows Blakeley is an "emotional person", aka PMS's all day everyday. So he hopes to trip a trigger and get her rose sympathy vote. He offers his vote this week in exchange for immunity. Despite Dave's desperation, Chris receives the rose. 


This is Spring Break: Adult Style and all of Bachelor Pad is taking full advantage of the pools and six-packs (abs included). Erica and Donna start making out. Lindzi and Kalon cuddle up, as do Rachel and Michael. Dave and one of the twins (they don't have separate identities) kiss in the hot tub. Ed, otherwise known as "hot mess wasted", takes Sarah back to a giant mattress and proceeds to make wolverine-like noises. Total turn on! As everyone else attempts to sleep off their excessive imbibing, the twins start bickering beyond anything I've ever heard and unattractive crying to the max. They finally exile themselves and the house breathes a collective sigh of relief; all except Dave who was counting on their vote to snag him another week at the Pad. Their exit also makes all of the remaining girls safe for one more week. One guy still remains on the proverbial "chopping block." Talk about a buzzword. Kalon lobbies to send home Ryan (the 32 year old virgin) and needs one more female to vote against him. Jamie becomes the swing vote; she can either choose Ed or Ryan. 


Blakeley hands out the boutonnieres in an absolutely stunning...muumuu? You'd think she'd have something VIP cocktail waitress-y laying around. The final rose comes around and drunken Ed is SAFE. Jamie voted off her own partner, Ryan, and he solemnly leaves in his pale green golf shirt (points to whoever catches that pun). Take it out on the tee, buddy. "As a 32 year old virgin, I'm sad to leave with no love AND no money and no sex?" Blogger extraordinaire: ad libbing like a boss. I figured out why I have a mini crush on Reid. He is Chandler Bing from Friends. Too bad Bachelor Pad doesn't leave the same warm fuzzies after viewing. A Very Lucky Girl needs a chaser. 

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