Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Bachelor Recap Week Six: WHY is Tierra Still Showing Up on this Screen?

Au Canada (that means "to Canada" for all you non-francais speakers out there)! From the Montana cold to the Canadian frost, Sean keeps his shirt on for the beginning montage of this episode. For the record, I'm so confused, because this is still technically fiscal week five of the show, but week six is in Canada and Sean reminisces about "last week" in Montana, except for the rest of us, "last week" was just over 24 hours ago. He has recovered from the drama, we have not. This is like the Olympics of love. Back to back episodes of rose envy. 

Chris Harrison introduces the ladies to their new abode in Alberta and leaves them on their merry way to hunt down the first date card. 

"Catherine, let's find our fairytale ending."
She sighs in contentment when her name is read and says, "I'm such a lucky girl." HEY-that's MY line! She has been on several group dates, but this is her first one-on-one with the man of the hour. Personally, I think the group date settings form a stronger friendship, which leads to a stronger romantic relationship, so she is set up nicely for her first real alone time with Sean. 
She awkwardly stands in the snow and tries not to look at her watch as Sean is late picking her up. He finally arrives...in a snowbus...and drives the two of them to Jasper National Park where they hang out on a glacier. You know, doing glacier-y things. Like sledding, and handstands, and snow angels, and drinking tiny mugs of hot chocolate that could really only be called shots. 
This is when I begin to notice Sean's scary resemblance to Jake the Snake Pavelka and stifle a shudder as visions of Vienna dance through my head. 
Catherine giddily talks to the camera in her interview and smilingly says, "I want everything with him." She's jonesin' for that fantasy suite, ya'll. 
From the glacier to an ice castle, where a jaunty fire surprisingly doesn't melt the walls, Catherine opens up about a tragedy in her past. She witnessed a young girl at her summer camp get killed by a falling tree right in front of her. Well, there's a date damper. But since she "took a risk and opened up", Sean gives her the date rose, complete with an extra tongue-y kiss. His specialty.

"Tierra, Sarah, Daniella, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley, and AshLee, let's bare our souls."
This group date goes about as well as Monday's did. Apparently, since everyone was SO GOOD at canoeing last time, Sean brings them back. Lesley does math the fastest of the group, realizes that one lucky girl will get to be in Sean's canoe, and willingly takes that bullet for the team. 
I do a double take as it finally clicks that one-armed Sarah is on this date. And as I recollect...she's been invited to almost all of the extra athletic activities. I'm just throwin' it out there, but I can't imagine it's easy to canoe with 1.5 arms. Or roller derby. Or complete an obstacle course. 
Sean introduces his dates to the idea of the Canadian Polar Bear Plunge and Selma, with the perpetual side-smile and unkissed lips, opts out of this golden opportunity in favor of touching up her lipstick. The irony does not escape me. Selma insists that her culture is full of "warm weather people", but according to her one-on-one a few weeks ago she "doesn't do heat." Something doesn't add up. I bet Lesley the math whiz could figure it out for us. 
As the girls strip down to their bikinis in the bitter cold, someone mutters about the temperature, "my extremities are gone!" Well, Sarah can relate.
Screaming as only they can, the group dashes into the freezing waters and run back to the warmth of their robes. All except for Tierra, who randomly prances around in her bikini until she has developed a medium-serious case of hypothermia, causing the paramedics to get involved. She is enveloped in blankets until they get her back to her room, where she kicks back with some oxygen and a Big Mac. Sean inevitably goes to check on her status and finds her joking that "they're gonna have to amputate my toes." I mean, is Sarah invisible?! I know half of her left arm is...but the rest of her is there!
The group date continues in the warmth of the lodge and leather couches. Sarah's sparkly dress reflects her elbow nub as she shows pictures of her family to Sean. Tierra, miraculously recovered from her bout with hypothermia cuz she really wants to "shee Sean", disgusts me with her entire presence. Lesley and Sean have some very sweet and genuine one-on-one time, so she secures the date rose and subsequently, my heart, when she dubs Tierra, the Tierra-ist. 
Following the date, Sean reflects in his bachelor lair and decides that one girl is definitely not it for him and he doesn't want to lead her on any longer. He invites Sarah to talk and then sends her home. The camera pans to her one-armed struggle with the zipper of her suitcase before she exits. 

"Desiree, don't be too scared...to fall in love." 
This is her SECOND one-on-one date, the first double up of the season. Sean takes her to Banff National Park (I keep thinking they are saying BAMF) to rappel down a 400 foot cliff to a peaceful picnic in a meadow down below. After wading through lengthy minutes of metaphors about falling in love and taking risks and accepting challenges, they safely arrive at the base of the peak, partake in the picnic, and scamper about in the trees; "Des and Sean, sittin' in a tree...K-I-S-S-I-N-G." As night falls, Sean leads her on a dark pathway (I hope she brought her rape whistle) until they get to a teepee. A teepee? In Canada? Indians in Canada are news to this Oklahoman. I didn't gather much from their tent conversation as I was severely distracted by the dandruff/sparkles/ash in Des' hair and the extra loud crackling and popping of the fire. The fire-tender needs to be fired. However, I did learn that Des lived in a tent for some of her childhood. 

Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony.
Tierra makes a fashion statement about the Canadian weather with her snow white ensemble, complete with a fresh squirrel skin draped about her neck: "I call this, Squirrel in Snow." Selma gives up the national TV virginity of her lips, apologizing to her mom on camera afterwards for having to "bring out the big guns." Actually, as it turns out, her cleavage has already been on display all season long. Put the guns away, Selma. Lindsay and Sean would have nothing to say if they didn't kiss, but in between make out seshes she reveals that she sleeps naked. I have no doubt she makes it to the fantasy suite week so that he can make sure of this fact. AshLee desperately wants to organize her love life...and whips out a blindfold. 50 Shades of Grey didn't work on night one, but Sean Lowe has gotten kinkier in his time as Bachelor and willingly works with her trust experiment. 

Sean bestows a rose on Lindsey, AshLee, and Tierra. Devastated, Selma leaves with "a heartbreak and a memory", which sounds like the promising title of a tragic aut0-biography. Daniella joins her to catch the snowbus back to America. 

So far this season the political incorrectness is truly off the charts. Sean has taken the Iraqi to the desert, the amputee canoeing (among other physically taxing activities), and the tent-dwelling kid to a teepee. As entertaining as it's been, A Very Lucky Girl will be a million times luckier when Tierra stops appearing around every corner. 

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