Bachelor Recap Week Nine: Cool!

Fantasy Suite week is easily one of my top three weeks; right up there with the premiere and Women Tell All. The drama significantly lessens, much to my disappointment, as the three remaining girls are guaranteed a date and stay in separate rooms. Sean arrives in Si Kao, Thailand and describes it for all of the blind Bachelor fans out there, “it’s like something out of a movie.” Or a reality TV show! He goes on to talk about the 3 “unique girls” that he is falling for, so I can only assume that he has 3 different personalities to match them. He is looking forward to “alone time” with each woman (aka sexy time) as he broods in dark sunglasses and sways in a hammock on the beach. He continues to vomit compliments about the women and wades into the pool looking like he’s packed on a few fluffy pounds during his travels. Too much airport food, not enough hotel gyms.

Sean says traveling is a test. No, Sean. Traveling is not a test of a relationship when you are already there and it’s a free trip.

The first date of the week goes to Lindsay. They approach a traditional Thai cart to take them around Si Kao and Lindsay questions, “what is it?” She always did have trouble identifying modes of transportation. Remember, “is that a helicopter?” from a few weeks ago? They arrive at the Si Kao market (he got this date idea from his time in Catherine’s hometown) and marvel at colored baby chicks. I instantly thought LIVE PEEPS. After walking around the market with their monopoly money Sean decides to test Lindsay’s adventurous spirit with bug appetizers. Nope—I would have called off the entire love story in this moment. But Lindsay is more adventurous than I and bravely stomachs grasshoppers. So it seems; we did not get to see the stomach reaction they both could have had later that night. So much for a romantic fantasy suite. It begins to rain during their time in the market so Sean opts to get out of the rain by sitting by the beach and telling her that she’s “the best friend I’ve been looking for.” Bet all of his golf buddies loved hearing that. Screw you, Sean! After feeding monkeys in the sand they get in some salt water making out while the sun sets and the ABC photographer goes nuts trying out new angles with his lens.

Dinnertime. The sun has gone down so it’s time for the party to really start. Lindsay is just “blown away” by the set up. Mhmm and I’ll bet you’ll do the same for him. The feminist in me cries as she declares that she’s ready to move to Dallas and chase his dreams with him. She does a little eyebrow dance that she undoubtedly learned from Tierra as she realizes that she “needs to open up.” I can’t handle the unintentional innuendos.

Suddenly, a harmonica splits the romantic silence and men in traditional Thai garb start dancing. Lindsay exclaims, “Thailand is all around us!” Thailand: population 7.

After such an invigorating performance, Sean presents the overnight invitation in preparation for another invigorating performance. Lindsay, with no hesitation, decides to forego her individual room stay with Sean in the fantasy suite. She finally says “I love you” and the Disney music swells. As does Sean.

 “Goodnight Thailand.”

AshLee and Sean lounge on a sailboat where Sean responds to her declaration of love with “I’m falling for you.” That must be one hell of a long fall, bro. AshLee worries that she doesn’t know where Sean’s head is. “It’s on his shoulders,” whispers Tyler as he conjugates French to my left.

They arrive at a private island…but first, “omigod it’s a cave!”

            “I told you we have our own private beach today, but what I didn’t tell you is that they threw in a cave for free!”

They traverse the dark cave and AshLee equates love to a dark alley. The metaphors have really gone downhill. They splash on the private island on the other side and I giggle in the realization that the only way to get off the island is to go back through the cave.

Commercial break--Damon Lane issues a weather report, but not before assuring me that I’m not missing ANY of the Bachelor. Sigh of relief.

Aaaand we’re back. I spend the majority of their dinner date squinting at AshLee’s necklace trying to decipher the letters. I know it wasn’t her name. Anyone know for sure?

They discuss the meaning of the getting engaged. “Like getting engaged is loving someone enough to want to spend the rest of your life together.” Yes, AshLee, that’s right. Someone’s been reading Webster. Where’s your works cited page? #plagiarism

Sean assures AshLee that he just wants to spend the night in the fantasy suite talking. “Yeah, nonverbal communication. By no distractions he means naked.” For a new Bachelor viewer, Tyler sees straight through the fantasy suite euphemisms.

AshLee admits that her heart wants to spend time with him alone tonight. Your heart, huh? Is that the only organ?

Catherine and Sean start off their date with a Titanic scene on the front of their catamaran. Sean reiterates his need for a best friend. Looks like Linds just got booted. After bugs and a swim through a dark cave, Catherine gets off easy with a few flips off of the boat and some snorkeling. It’s clear whom Sean favors.

A thunderstorm threatens their afternoon, but Sean is not deterred from licking her lips. Yes. I said HER lips. Tyler and I thoroughly analyzed his questionable kissing techniques. Arie taught him nothing.

As they approach their private dinner in a foreign country, Catherine issues the exclamation, “cool!” Of all of the adjectives in the world, Catherine? Wonder if that’s what she said when Sean dropped his pants in the fantasy suite. Cool!

Intimate dinner conversation consists of the question, “where do you see us in 5 years?”

Oh I don’t know, celebrating the 5-year anniversary of you asking me this question.

All jokes aside, I’m obsessed with Sean and Catherine. They are so genuine with each other and she is the least annoying of the three girls left.

The camera cuts to the Bachelor mansion in LA where Chris Harrison thoroughly confuses me with an advertisement monologue about Oz. But we are soon back in Si Kao for the rose ceremony. Sean has especially gelled his hair for the big break up. Chris waves his bare left ring finger back and forth as he doles out his support. Tan looks good on Harrison. I nominate him for next Bachelor. Chris asks Sean if he is in love. Sean answer affirmatively and Chris whispers “wow” as he remember his own days of being married, staring off in the distant mainland of Thailand as he reflects on all he has lost in the wake of his divorce.

Sean watches private video messages from each lady while Chris escorts them to the execution rose ceremony room. Lindsay and Catherine have normal things to say, but AshLee’s video reveals her dependency on Sean for her self-worth. Dangerous.

Sean arrives to hand out the party favors roses and AshLee’s dress distractingly plunges as if to say, “hey, remember these from our fantasy suite? Do you want them to go away? Make the right choice, Sean.”

Lindsay gets a rose…. and then after the longest silence of my life as Sean ponders the cleavage before him…Catherine gets the second one. Modest is hottest.

AshLee adjusts her hair, takes a deep breath, and glares at Sean. He walks her out, but she refuses his attempts to explain and stonily opens the car door for herself, harshly saying “this wasn’t about laughter and joking and having fun to me.” That sounds like a terrible relationship. No wonder Sean called it off. Fun is my favorite part of a relationship. For a girl that cried the most during the taping of the show she really did not have much to offer in the way of sobs in the rejection limo.

I know for a fact that organizing is terrific therapy. AshLee is going to be just fine and A Very Lucky Girl’s sparkle can hardly wait for the return of Tierra at Women Tell All.