Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Bachelor Recap Week Seven: Let's Get Nitty Gritty, Honey

The women follow their dreamboat, Sean Lowe, to St. Croix. I missed the first half of this week, but I caught the second hour of the show at Tyler's house after we attended the OU basketball game against TCU where the Horned Frogs had a rather poor showing. Boomer Sooner! But I think all that I really missed was a lot of screen time of the Tierraist, so I call that a win-win.

I caught Catherine, Des, and Lindsay mid-date on the beach with Sean. Lindsay cuddled up next to her man in the sand and I strained to hear their conversation over the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. There was an unmistakable blemish on her left cheek that I could not stop watching--guess her waterproof concealer didn't quite live up to its promises. Catherine replaced Lindsay a few minutes later and shared some history of her dad with Sean. Her father will not be at the hometown date because he resides in China after bouts with depression and a suicide attempt when she was 14. I think her main concern was that Sean wouldn't want her family when he found it didn't measure up to his perfect, All-American one. Sean comforts her with words of understanding and I try not to puke on my magic-shell clad chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Des is up next and her family is just so perfect in every way that she must immediately start crying about it. Snuggling with Sean makes everything better though, obvs. Following one on one time with each girl, Sean brings it in under a windbreaker of palm tree branches, where every girl bites her lip in anticipation until he presents the date rose to Lindsay in spite of her lack of concealer. In reciprocation, she drops a quick kiss on his shoulder and I have a tierrable flashback to a date with a guy where he kissed my arm. Often. But never my lips. It was just as awkward and strange as it sounds. To top off the date, Sean and the girls try to spot the elusive sunset and end up toasting the descending darkness on the island. 
Meanwhile, during this deliciously strange three on one date, AshLee and Lesley lounge in the sun outside and gossip about Tierra. The Tierraist is conveniently lured into the room directly behind their conversation and overhears their comments. This quality producing sleuthing by ABC ensures the fireworks that are sure to come. Because Tierra is a sparkler...
The resemblance.....
is uncanny!











Lesley and Sean have the last one on one date of the week and he monologues about her "falling behind" the other girls before he picks her up for their rendez-vous. Obviously the best way to amp up the romance is to go pick some fruit...like avocados? Those aren't vegetables? She monologues that she is like literally falling in love with Sean, but that it's like literally really hard to say it cuz she could literally get hurt. I don't think that words means what she thinks it means. They take a break after picking that one fruit/vegetable, because it's such hard work, and plop down on the grass where Sean leadingly asks if there is anything he should know before meeting her family. But instead of confessing her love for Sean, Lesley does a terrible job of transitioning the conversation to fruit picking again, hammering the final nail into the coffin of the food pyramid. Her unwillingness to commit to saying the words that Sean wants to hear from her to drive their relationship further along is bound to hurt her. 

It's the morning of the rose ceremony and Sean uneasily paces up and down the St. Croix dock in his hunter green shorts. Suddenly, his sister Shay arrives and they chat over pina coladas. Sean shares his misgivings about not knowing who to send home and Shay encourages him to follow his heart. The problem with that advice is that Sean "can see marriage with all six of them." In that case, Mr. Lowe, monogamy isn't for you. Perhaps the Mormon religion would cater more to your playboy-esque nature?
While Sean is agonizing over the tierrable decision that he must make, all of the drama between AshLee and Tierra comes to a head. It really is just too monotonous to explain, but the gist is that Tierra is certain that AshLee is trying to sabotage Tierra and Sean's relationship by talking poorly about the Tierraist behind her back. I have no doubt that AshLee would be thrilled for Sean and Tierra's connection to combust, but I do not think she has any malicious intent against Tierra. I could hardly contain my laughter as AshLee listed reasons to dislike Tierra: her attitude, her character, her eyebrow, and Tierra defended herself hysterically, "THAT'S JUST MY FACE! I CAN'T CONTROL MY EYEBROW! YOU CAN'T DULL MY SPARKLE MY PARENTS SAID SO!" Dear 24 year old, exit stage left ASAP. The screaming match between AshLee and Tierra comes to an end almost immediately before Sean knocks on the door to invite Tierra to meet Shay in order to get his sister's opinion about this question mark. He walks in on her tears and gets to listen to her speech about how she has such a big heart and is so sensitive and all the other girls are mean. The most ludicrous statement she spouts is that she hates confrontation. False. Her "sparkle" is fueled by conflict and small children. Sean sighs in frustration as Tierra ugly crys and furrows her forehead dent even further. His sister's words light up like a neon sign in his head, "if a girl can't get along with other girls, it's trouble," and starts to gently speak to Tierra.

AND THAT IS WHEN THE AMBER ALERT MUTED HIS BREAK UP SPEECH. I'M VERY VERY SAD ABOUT THE MISSING CHILD, DON'T GET ME WRONG, BUT I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR THE VANQUISHMENT OF THE TIERRAIST ALL. SEASON. LONG. AND I MISSED IT.

But, all's well that ends well because PEACE OUT, SPARKLES. 
None of the other girls at the resorts are aware of her exit and speculation wafts through the hurricane force winds as they await the cocktail party anxiously. Sean arrives, confirms Tierra's absence, and cancels the cocktail party. AshLee shivers in anticipation of the rose ceremony, worried that her involvement in the Tierra drama will send her home, and contemplates pulling a Chris Bukowski move mid-ceremony. 
Sean doles out the roses without event to Des, Catherine, and AshLee. Lesley matter of factly says that rejection hurts, but classily keeps her tears to a minimum when she realizes her rose-less state. 
Next week, Sean will meet the families of Des, Catherine, Lindsay, and AshLee in their respective hometowns. A Very Lucky Girl is looking forward to the teaser bro brawl between Des and Sean.

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